“Do you want me to call them?” Ryder asks.
“No, I can do it. But could you go get me some water?”
“Yeah, of course. Anything else?”
“Maybe some ice.”
“Sure thing.” He grabs my phone and hands it to me before he leaves.
“Please tell me you two are together now, because seriously it’s going to happen eventually,” Casey says.
I laugh. “We haven’t really talked about it, but I think we are. We said I love you, so that counts for something right?”
Her mouth pops open. “What? When did this happen?”
“Today,” I answer, scrolling through my phone to find my mom’s contact.
“Speaking of today, why were you guys together?”
I press the SEND button and hold the phone to my ear. “He was helping me get the baby’s room ready. Speaking of, we didn’t finish. Would you guys mind going over to my place and putting the mattress in the crib and the bedding?”
“Yeah, of course, whatever you need,” Hannah assures me.
My mom picks up. “Hello?”
“Hey,” I greet her, and, of course, a contraction chooses now to show up. I hiss between my teeth and ride it out.
“Blaire?” she says. “Are you okay? What’s going on?”
“I’m.” Breath. “In.” Breath. “Labor.”
“Oh my God,” she says. “We’ll get on a plane as soon as we can. Dan, pack your bags,” she yells.
“Mom, I’m still on the phone.” I wince from the shrillness of her voice.
“Oh, sorry. Just hang in there, B, we’ll be there soon. Flights are only about three hours and there’s probably one soon.”
“Mom,” I cut her off. “Just get here.”
“Right. I love you. See you soon.”
“Love you too. Bye.”
I drop the phone down on the scratchy sheet that covers me and I look at Casey pleadingly. “Get the nurse. I’m ready for that epidural.”
She’s up and out of her seat before I can blink. Ryder returns almost seconds after she leaves and hands me the water. I gulp it down and then reach for the ice, crunching down on a piece.
“I take it the contractions are worse?” He sits back down and I reach for his hand, squeezing it.
“Oh, yeah,” I say, pressing my head back against the pillow with my eyes squished closed. The pain of the contraction fades and I open my eyes. “Thank you for being here.” I smile at Ryder.
“What am I?” Hannah laughs. “Chopped liver?”
I laugh too. “Thank you for being here too.”
“That’s more like it.”
Casey breezes back into the room. “The nurse said she’d let the anesthesiologist know that you’re ready.”
“Oh, thank God.” Sweat dampens my forehead. “They’re getting so much worse.”
What feels like forever later, but is probably only minutes, the anesthesiologist comes into the room to give the epidural. The drug hits my system and all the pain goes away.
“Feeling better?” Ryder asks, rubbing my shoulder.
“Much,” I say, looking at him gratefully.
Casey fake gags. “Oh my God, you guys are so disgustingly in love.”
I laugh. “You will be one day too, just you wait.”
She makes a face. “Never.”
After a little while, she and Hannah head to the food court to get something to eat for dinner.
“You can go too,” I tell Ryder. “You must be hungry.”
He shakes his head. “I’m not leaving you.”
“You know,” I begin, rubbing my thumb against his fingers where our hands are twined together, “it should probably be weird having you here, but I honestly don’t feel that way. And I’m so sick of worrying about the way I should think or feel instead of owning the way I do feel.”
“And how do you feel?” he asks.
I laugh. “Like I’m hopelessly in love with you.”
His lips quirk into a smile. “Back at ya.” He rises up and kisses my forehead.
I’ve worried for months that I was trying to replace Ben with Ryder, but that was never the case. I didn’t fall in love with what I wanted him to be, I fell in love with who he is. I love him for him. He’s not a replacement. He’s just the man I love.
I once believed you only had one special love in life—one chance to get it right.
I was wrong.
There are infinite chances. Infinite people to complete you.
I will always love Ben, that hasn’t changed, but I’ve found someone else I can love just as much.
Hours later they check me and it’s time to push.
“Do you want me to leave?” Ryder asks again.
I tighten my hold on his hand and he stands up beside me. “Never,” I say.
Everything happens in a rush after that, or so it feels like.
I push and I push while Ryder whispers words of encouragement in my ear.
“You’re doing great. Keep pushing. A little more. You’re so strong, Blaire. You’ve got this.”
And then, I hear it.
My baby’s cry.
I collapse against the pillows sobbing.
My baby. My miracle. My daughter.
“Do you want to cut the umbilical cord?” the doctor asks Ryder.
He looks to me. I’m sweaty, crying mess, but I manage to nod. “Only if you want to.”
He takes the scissors from the doctor and cuts. They then lay my daughter on my chest. I’m still crying, shaking with the sobs, and I press my hand to her warm, sticky body. She cries, her lower lip trembling. There’s a tuft of hair on her head, but it’s so covered in goo I can’t tell what color it is. It doesn’t matter. She’s perfect. Absolutely perfect.
“Hi, Ava,” I say touching her tiny hand. “I’m your mommy.” She wraps her fingers around mine and holds on.
I look up at Ryder. “She’s amazing.”
He stares down in wonder. “That she is.”
“I loved her so much already while she was inside me that I didn’t think it was possible for me to love her any more, but I do,” I sob.
Ryder reaches out and rubs the tuft of hair on her head. He looks pretty close to crying himself. I guess the miracle of life gets to everyone.
“So, Mommy, what’s her full name?” One of the nurses asks.
I touch my daughter’s plump cheek. “Ava Benny Carter.”
Her middle name is untraditional, but I wanted Ben’s name in there somehow.
“Cute,” the nurse says. “I’m going to take her and weigh her. Clean her up a bit too, but I’ll bring her right back,” she promises.
I reluctantly let her take Ava from me. “Go with them,” I tell Ryder. “Stay with her. Please.”
He follows my order and goes to stay with Ava. She just came into this world, and I don’t want her to be alone.
They clean her up and wrap her in a blanket. They even put a cute little hat on her head.
“All right, dad, you want her?” the nurse asks.
Ryder looks shocked and he opens his mouth, probably to protest, but I speak up and say, “Hold her.”
The nurse hands Ava to Ryder and she busies herself with clearing things out of the room. Ryder slowly makes his way back to me as the room clears of everyone but us.
He rocks Ava in his arms and smiles down at her.
A grin splits my face seeing the man I love love my daughter.
“You, me, Ava, and Cole. We’re a family, aren’t we?” I ask him.
He glances away from the baby in his arms and down to me. “We’re a family,” he concurs.
I know we still have so much to talk about, to discuss and figure out, but for now, I’m content to enjoy this little piece of happiness.
“Oh, Blaire,” my mom breathes as she and my dad rush into the hospital room, luggage towed behind them.
Ryder sits beside me with Cole in his lap while Ava sleeps peacefully in the bassinet.
&nbs
p; Ava came into the world nearly twenty-four hours ago, and I still can’t believe how much my life has changed in that span of time.
“I’m so sorry it took us so long,” my mom sighs, setting her luggage in the corner. “Everything that could go wrong did go wrong.”
I’d received several texts explaining their travel woes—from a canceled flight, to a delayed one, to a taxi driver that didn’t know his way.
“All that matters is you’re here,” I say. “Come meet your granddaughter.”
My mom immediately scurries over to the clear bassinet and peers down at her. “What’s her name?”
“Ava.”
She glances over at me and smiles. “Ava,” she repeats. “Perfect. She has Ben’s mouth.”
“His nose too,” I tell her. “It looks like she’s going to have my dark hair. I hope she gets Ben’s eyes too.”
She touches her plump cheek. “She’s so beautiful.” She glances at Ryder. “Thank you for being here with her.”
He shrugs off her words. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”
I smile over at him and Cole. “Hey, Cole,” I say, patting the space beside me on the bed, “you want to come sit with me?”
Without a word, the little boy scurries off Ryder’s lap and climbs onto the bed, snuggling against my side.
Ryder beams. “He’s been asking when you’re going to come over and read him a story again.”
I smile down at the little boy and he looks up at me. “Is that true?”
He nods. “Weed. Weed me stowy!”
I laugh. “Sure thing.” I tap his nose.
My dad ventures over then and looks down at Ava. “You did good, Kid.”
I smile. “I think so too, but I might be biased.” Ava lets out a little cry. “You can pick her up,” I tell my mom.
“Oh, thank God,” she says, immediately scooping up the squirming bundle. “It was killing me not to hold her.” Ava blinks up at her grandma. “When do you get out of here?”
“Tomorrow morning.” I glance at Ryder. He’s listened all morning to my worries about going home. A baby is hard work and I’m going to be doing it on my own. Ryder and I might be in a relationship now but it doesn’t mean we’re moving in together tomorrow and riding off into the sunset.
My mom bounces Ava in her arms. “I could stay … sleep on the couch.”
My dad chuckles. “And what am I supposed to do?”
She glares at him. “Stay at the hotel, of course.”
He shakes his head.
“Mom, that’s really sweet of you, but I’ll be fine. You’re not going to be here forever and I’d rather get a hang of doing things on my own.”
She frowns. “But, Blaire—”
“Mom,” I say sternly, “I have to do this.”
She nods, smiling down at Ava. “I understand.”
I ruffle Cole’s hair. “Hey, I got you something,” I tell him and his eyes light up. I didn’t actually get it—I sent Ryder to pick up a toy for him. Since Ryder was bringing Cole to meet the baby I didn’t want the little boy to feel left out of all the excitement. I grab the bag off the table and hand it to Cole.
His eyes widen when he pulls out the shiny red fire truck—his latest obsession. His whole body vibrates with excitement as he shakes the fire truck between his hands. “Tank you,” he says, in his sweet toddler voice.
“You’re welcome.” I kiss the top of his head.
I look from the little boy, to Ryder, to my dad, then to my mom and my daughter.
My people.
My family.
My life.
I thought my life was over when Ben died, and maybe that part of it was, but now I know it’s only beginning.
“New parent fuel,” Ryder says, breezing into my apartment with coffee and Cole on his heels. I gave him a key after I came home from the hospital two weeks ago. I kept calling him to bring me various things I needed so it just made sense.
“You’re a saint,” I say, taking the coffee from him and slurping it down. I hold Ava in my other arm. “She was up all night with her stomach hurting. It was hell. She finally passed out.” I indicate her sleeping form in my arms.
“I also brought breakfast.” He sets a brown paper bag on the counter and starts pulling out sandwiches.
“I love you,” I say, setting down the coffee so I can grab a sandwich. “Hey, Cole.” I smile down at the little boy. “I missed you.”
He smiles and holds up the book he has grasped in his chubby hands. “Weed! Weed!”
Ryder cringes. “I tried to get him to leave it, telling him that you’re tired, but he wouldn’t listen.”
“That’s okay.” I shrug, biting into my sandwich. “I can read it to you.” I smile at Cole and he jumps up and down with excitement. “I was thinking,” I begin, rocking Ava in my arms, “it’s probably one of the last nice days we’ll have for the summer so maybe we can go for a walk around town? What do you think?” Before Ryder can answer, I look back at Cole. “Want to go for a walk?”
“Walk! Walk!” he chants, still jumping up and down.
Ryder scoops him up and sets him in a chair with his sandwich. “Sure—” he smiles “—that sounds nice.”
“I’m going to go put her down right now.” I pad down the hall to my bedroom and lay her gently in the bassinet. I pray that she doesn’t stir. Thankfully, she doesn’t. I might manage to eat in peace and get a shower. I smell like sweat and spit up and it’s not a good combination.
I sit down at the table with the boys and finish my sandwich and coffee.
“Do you mind keeping an eye on Ava so I can shower?” I ask Ryder.
“That’s not a problem.” He wipes his fingers on a napkin.
“If she starts screaming she probably needs her diaper changed,” I tell him, starting for the bathroom.
He chuckles. “I can handle it, Blaire.”
I know he can, but I still worry.
I grab some clothes from my room and lock myself in the bathroom.
Even a ten-minute shower feels like a luxury at this point.
I turn the water on until it’s practically scalding and slip inside.
It feels good to have the hot water beat on my coiled muscles. I wash my hair and soap up my body. I finally smell like a human again.
I get out and dry off my body and ruffle my hair with the towel to help it dry. I get dressed and pull my hair up in a messy bun so it’s out of my way. It’s been my go-to hairstyle since Ava was born.
I step out of the steaming bathroom and head down the hall to the family room and kitchen area. Cole’s sitting on the couch watching a kid’s show, but Ryder’s not there.
I head back the way I came and peek my head in my room. Not there.
I turn to the opposite side and find him in the nursery, holding Ava against his chest.
My heart lurches and speeds up, pumping blood rapidly through my whole body.
He hasn’t noticed me yet.
He stands near the window that overlooks the street below, swaying back and forth. Ava makes a little noise that means she’s happy and I smile, leaning my hip against the doorjamb.
It makes me happy to see the two loves of my life together.
Ryder turns then, murmuring something to Ava, and looks up to find me.
“Oh, hey.” He smiles, rocking her in his arms. “Someone woke up and needed a diaper change, just like you said.”
“She likes you,” I comment.
He chuckles and looks at her. “Everyone likes me. I’m irresistible.”
I roll my eyes and then bite my lip in thought. “Do you … Do you think Angela and Ben would be happy for us?”
He nods. “Yes,” he answers without a second of thought.
“How do you know?” I step further into the room.
“Because we’d be happy for them if the situation was reversed.”
I nod, smiling softly. “You’re right. You’re always right.”
“I know.” He winks.
I come to stand beside him and lay my head on his shoulder, gazing down at Ava in his arms. “We should get ready for our walk.”
He nods. “You’re right.” He hands Ava to me. “I’ll carry the stroller downstairs and you can meet me down there with the kids.”
While Ryder wrangles the beast—that’s what I call the stroller—out the door, I grab Ava’s diaper bag and sling it across my shoulder.
I find Cole still quietly occupied by his show. “You ready to go for a walk?” I ask him. He tears his gaze away from the TV and nods eagerly. I grab my keys and hold my finger out for Cole to grab onto. I close the door behind us and lock it, giving Cole my finger again. With a squirming baby and a toddler to manage it takes me a little while to get downstairs and outside.
We burst outside to see Ryder just finishing with the stroller.
“I forgot how difficult these can be.” He stood back to appraise his handiwork. “But I got it done.”
I set Ava inside and she makes a happy cooing sound. I adjust the brim so that the sun’s not in her eyes. I smile down at her and I swear she smiles back, but it’s more likely gas, but I can dream.
Ryder lifts Cole onto his shoulders and the little boy giggles. “Do you like it up there?” I ask him, slipping on my sunglass.
“Yes!” he cries, tugging on Ryder’s hair.
“Coley, don’t do that,” Ryder scolds, holding on tight to Cole in one hand and reaching up to pry his hair from his grasp with the other.
Once we’re all situated, we begin our walk. I’ve discovered living in an apartment in the downtown area has its perks. I’m close to several coffee shops and restaurants, a convenience store, and even some clothing shops. It’s nice to be able to get out and have so much within walking distance.
The late summer sun blazes down on us, but there’s a slight wind to keep us cool.
“This is nice,” Ryder says.
Ava lets out a noise and I laugh. “I think she agrees with you. Don’t you?” I say in my overly high-pitched baby talking voice.
That voice has taken over my life.
We walk around without much of an agenda but we end up at the park. Ryder sets Cole down so he can go play on the jungle gym while the two of us take a seat on the bench. I grab Ava from the stroller and she wiggles in my arms.
Bring Me Back Page 28
