In that case, I guess I shouldn't be thinking about the house party next weekend that Cap and I were invited to, she considered, her mind drifting toward another forbidden land. No matter how many times she had played the memories of the New Year's Eve party across the movie screen in her mind, she still found it exhilarating and arousing. Even though she didn't want to.
There were parts of her that continued to fantasize about starting where her New Year's Eve experience had ended and taking it to a whole new level. A room full of spectators. A blindfold. Not knowing whose hands, mouths and cocks were on her and in her. Being taken and used for pleasure by a roomful of men. And maybe by women too.
What would Cap say if I told him these naughty daydreams of mine? she wondered. She had a feeling he would be elated. So what keeps me from sharing my fantasies with him? Because I've been taught it's wrong, she realized. Because I've been told my whole life that sex is only for marriage, only for two people, two people that are a man and woman. Anything else is not pure.
EIGHTEEN
And when he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” And Simon answered, “Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets.” And when they had done this, they enclosed a large number of fish, and their nets were breaking. -Luke 5:4-6 (ESV)
“So you're sure you want to go?” Cap asked again, trying to determine whether she was saying yes to attending the party genuinely and willingly or because she wanted to please him.
“I kept thinking on the plane,” Leah explained, “the whole flight, while Aimee and Natalie were asleep, I kept thinking about the New Year's Eve party. How erotic it was, how turned on I was. How much I loved being watched by all those men who gawked at me through the doorway. How much I loved losing myself in pleasure and not worrying or caring where it was coming from or what anyone thought.”
“Wow, just hearing those words come out of your mouth made me so hard,” Cap confessed, pulling her hand toward his crotch. She felt his erection begging for her touch. “You know, there's someone you should talk to about the religious stuff, how you feel conflicted and all that.”
“Oh yeah?” Leah raised her eyebrows. “Who's that?”
“Mary,” Cap answered. “You remember her from the party? She is an ordained minister. She performs weddings and preaches and all that.”
“Really?” Leah asked, searching her memory for an image of Mary. The last time she saw her up close, she wasn't wearing anything. It was hard to reconcile that image with one of a minister. “I can't believe you're just now telling me this.”
“Sorry, I don't know why, but I just thought of it,” he apologized. “I'll give you her number.”
Later that week, Mary agreed to meet Leah for lunch a few blocks away from The Pearl. They grabbed a booth at the back of the restaurant for privacy. Leah knew how sensitive listening ears could be in a small town, and she certainly didn't want to get called into Barry's office again to be reamed out about lifestyle issues.
“So, I guess I just feel conflicted about all these fantasies I have and about my relationship with Cap,” Leah initiated the conversation as soon as their drinks were served. “I feel like God is probably going to strike me down with a lightning bolt or turn me into a pillar of salt or something.” She let a nervous giggle float into the space over the table.
Mary joined her in laughing at first, then sipped a long drink of her iced tea. She had a calm demeanor and everything she did was measured and careful. “Well, that hasn't happened yet, right? You don't look like a pillar of salt to me!”
“No, of course not. You know, when I'm in the moment with Cap, or when I was at that party, I don't think about all that. I just do it. And it feels so good. It's later that the guilt creeps up on me and my mind is flooded with Bible verses. And I hear my dad's pulpit voice thundering down on me. God's voice always sounds like my dad's in my head,” she confessed. She had never admitted that to anyone before.
“Having a minister for a father probably does some crazy things to your conscience,” Mary guessed. “But you need to turn that voice off and learn to listen to your own voice. I find that God speaks to me in whispers, not in a hellfire and brimstone baritone.”
She sat for a moment and absorbed that thought. How lovely is that? To think of God whispering lovingly instead of yelling in anger. “So you're ordained? You've studied the Bible a lot then?” Leah asked.
“I have,” Mary answered. “And let me just give you some food for thought. There are dozens of commandments in the Bible that we have long since abandoned since they don't fit our cultural values. For example, what is that dress you're wearing made of?” she asked.
Leah wrinkled her nose in confusion. “What does that have to do with anything?” she laughed.
“In the Old Testament, the Israelites are forbidden to wear clothing that has more than one type of fiber. So that means anything that's a blend – like cotton and polyester together – would be a sin.”
“That's so weird!” Leah gasped. “I never knew that.” She couldn't believe that in all of her years of studying the Bible, she'd never read that. “What book is that in?”
“Leviticus,” Mary responded. “There's other things too. Like when a women had her period, she was unclean for 7 days and could not be touched.”
“That's ridiculous! I don't even have my period for 7 days. It's more like 4 or 5,” Leah admitted. She tried to imagine Cap refraining from touching her for seven whole days. Nope, can't imagine that at all, she mused.
“My point is there are a lot of laws and commandments in the Bible that we do not follow anymore. Not only that but most of the scriptures regarding marriage and sex are completely outdated today because marriage was a much different institution than it is now. Back then, wives were property, bought from their fathers for a dowry. Adultery laws were more about stolen property than about infidelity. And what about the multiple wives thing? Men could have as many wives and concubines as they could afford. Polygamy is illegal now.”
“I guess I never thought of it that way,” Leah remarked. “But what about having multiple partners and premarital sex and all that?”
“This is the thesis I wrote when I was in seminary and I want to share it with you. It's about the mistranslation of the word 'fornication' from the original Greek. There's also some references to other mistranslations.”
She handed Leah a thick nondescript-looking binder. “Look, I can't tell you what to believe,” she explained, “but I can share what I've learned in my own study of scriptures. I think about how back in Bible times, women were married off at 12 or 13. They didn't get any choice about who they married or had sex with. We live in an entirely different culture where women have equal rights; we decide for ourselves what happens to our bodies. I personally believe that if we are honest and loving in our interactions with people, that is much more important to God than who we sleep with. I also believe that God made sex as a beautiful expression of love and closeness. And I believe that love and closeness can be shared by multiple people.”
“So you don't see any sort of conflict or incompatibility between what you believe and what you do in the lifestyle?” Leah asked.
“I did at first, certainly,” Mary answered. “But I read a lot of scripture, and I prayed and meditated. I studied how the original biblical texts had been translated. And to be honest with you, I feel closer in my walk with God now than ever before. I believe there's a time and place for me to gratify my desires, which I'll tell you, have gotten a lot stronger since I've gotten older. Seems like every year I just get friskier and friskier!” She laughed and Leah watched the sunlight streaming through the window across from them dance in her eyes. They were creased with crows’ feet and she had a few age spots near her temples along with wisps of gray hair, but other than that, she had the spirit and countenance of a vibrant, much younger woman.
“Oh, Mary, I can't eve
n tell you how wonderful it is to hear these things. I am so overwhelmed by guilt sometimes. But I want to make Cap happy...and, to be honest, there are so many things I want to try. I hate feeling like I am a bad Christian or a hypocrite, you know?”
“You love him, don't you?” Mary asked, her gray-blue eyes twinkling as if she could see straight into Leah's soul.
Leah nodded. “I do. It took me awhile to admit it, but I want us to be together and I think this is part of the package.”
“Okay,” Mary said in her soft, delicate voice. “Just make sure that you're doing it for yourself too, and not just for him, alright? I know Cap is a good man down deep, but I also know he can be awfully charming and persuasive when it comes to getting what he wants. And I just don't want to see you get hurt.”
“Do you think he'd hurt me?” Leah asked, her eyes suddenly wide and trembling with fear at the thought.
“Not intentionally,” Mary replied. “I've seen a lot of lifestyle relationships come and go, Leah. I'm not trying to scare you, please don't think that, or dissuade you in any way. I just know that lifestyle relationships take more work, more communication, and two people who are absolutely on the same page. Marriages between swingers are some of the most healthy, strongest marriages I've ever seen; and I've also seen some pretty shaky couples try to use swinging as a way to heal wounds and solve problems. That really won't work, trust me. That's what happened between me and my first husband.”
“Oh,” Leah sighed. “I'm sorry to hear that.”
“Don't be,” she laughed. “I always say that when God takes one person out of your life, it's to make room for someone better for you. And that was definitely the case for me. I couldn't be happier now. John and I are truly blessed, and I honestly think that swinging brought us closer together and forced us to be better communicators and more in tune with each other.
“You know, life is way too short to be unhappy or to stay in unhappy relationships. I tell all the couples I counsel that,” she said, her face brightening. Leah felt like she could see all the way down to Mary's soul and it was pure. She remembered the definition of pure she'd thought up during her trip to the homeland. Mary was 100% a kind, loving human being, and 0% of anything else: no ulterior motives, no pretense.
“Oh, you do couples counseling?” Leah asked, intrigued. “That's so cool! Lucky couples!”
“Oh, thank you,” she replied graciously. “I do, both premarital counseling before I perform a wedding, and I do counseling for couples having issues too.”
Leah couldn't help but think that Mary was an angel sent by God to help her work through all the guilt and confusion she was experiencing. Later that afternoon, she told Barry she was going to take a few personal hours and he gave her his blessing. She ran home and put Glory on her leash, then walked across the street to the beach side of the strip, across the parking lot of the condos and down the sand-covered boardwalk.
The beach was almost deserted under the early May sun and she could see it stretching for miles and miles north toward Delaware and south toward Virginia. She plopped down on a blanket and staked Glory's leash in the sand. She pulled Mary's thesis and began to read, slowly digesting her words. Eventually she was distracted watching the gulls swoop down onto the shoreline and Glory lurch toward them till her leash jerked her to an abrupt stop.
She heard the shorebirds cry as they took back to the air, soaring high above the waves. She watched a boat way out on the horizon and wondered if it was Cap, who said he was doing an impromptu charter that afternoon. She felt the gentle breezes wash over her and then blow toward the surf.
How can any of this be wrong? she asked God. I feel so happy and so at peace with Cap. My job is going well and the future of the club looks bright. Father, after talking to Mary, I feel like the last piece of the puzzle has been set into place.
My faith has been renewed, knowing that You put me on this earth to please and be pleased, to love and be loved, which I think I always knew deep down inside, but I needed to believe it. I know You made sex a beautiful thing to enjoy, or our bodies would not have been built as they were. I am going to trust in my body and its desires because this is the way You made me. Thank You for putting such wonderful people in my life. I feel so blessed, Lord. Thank You.
They were running late to the party. Leah did not like being late for anything, and she was feeling flustered and out of sorts. All the peace that had seeped inside her on the beach after her lunch with Mary the day before had somehow leaked back out again. She fidgeted in the cab of Cap's truck, trying to adjust the strapless bra she was wearing underneath her nearly backless silk gown. It was an Asian-inspired dress featuring a high neck accented with frog closures to the side, with a narrow slit down the middle offering a peek at her cleavage. The skirt was cut on the bias to skim her hips. In the back, a large keyhole revealed her delicate freckle-kissed shoulder blades. She wore her hair in a sleek French twist held by a black clip with matching jet black beaded earrings dangling from her earlobes.
“Would you stop it?” Cap chastised her. “You look amazing; now sit still and enjoy the ride.”
It was an important night. Casey and Cap were going to announce their venture to their friends. Casey was bringing a dozen bottles of champagne to toast The Factory. It was their hope that the local community would rally behind the entrepreneurial trio by joining the club and providing the base membership.
“I'm trying, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just nervous,” Leah admitted, not familiar enough with all of Cap and Casey's friends to be able to predict their reaction to the news.
He reached over and squeezed her knee that poked through the slit of the ankle-length gown. “It'll be fine. Everyone's going to be surprised and excited. I can't believe how many times I've overheard folks saying we need a lifestyle club here in OC.”
Cap was right. They made the announcement at 9 PM when most of the fifty anticipated guests had arrived. Casey was hosting the party at her huge 8 bedroom/6 bathroom estate on Fenwick Island. Her kitchen opened to the living room which was surrounded by windows that overlooked a grassy marsh of a front yard and a picturesque dock jutting out into the bay. There were dozens of people gathered around the kitchen island and dozens more congregated on the sofas in the plush living area, all raising their glasses to toast The Factory.
Throughout the night, Leah was pulled in all different directions by people who wanted to give her comments or suggestions regarding the design and functionality of the club. She wished she'd brought her tablet to record the ideas. She was anxious to make the club as functional as possible.
Cap was being pulled in different directions too, but nearly always by a woman. Leah tried to keep her eyes honed in on him but there were times he disappeared from her radar. Panicky blips would start vibrating through her nervous system as she furtively glanced around the room for him. He made a promise to me, she kept repeating in her mind, forcing herself to take deep breaths and try to soothe her racing heartbeat. When she saw him escape to the deck with Rhonda, she knew she had to intervene. Although Rhonda had made it a point to be sugary sweet to her every time she'd seen her since New Year's Eve, Leah still didn't trust her.
She excused herself from her conversation with Jeremy and his new girlfriend Amanda and sneaked into the master bedroom on the main floor, which had a terrace that extended off the side of the main deck. She slid the glass door open and tiptoed out onto the terrace, taking care not to get the heels of her shoes caught between the planks of wood. She braced herself against the stucco exterior of the house and inched her way toward the main deck. The hazy moonlight drenched the bay with dappled light and a smattering of stars peeked through the clouds. The water in the bay was calm and still. She could faintly hear frogs croaking and crickets winding up their nocturnal overture.
“Well, I wondered what you saw in her,” she heard Rhonda's tinny voice float out toward the bay.
Cap's response was so deep she couldn't hear it. Then she heard Rhonda
laugh. “Oh, I see how it is. Well, good for you, Cap, good for you.” Her voice trailed off into the night sky and then there was silence. Leah wondered what was happening. Were they staring out across the water? Were they embracing?
She turned the corner and watched Rhonda pull out of Cap's arms just as the two caught sight of her. Rhonda wore a funny, smirky look on her face and practically ran back into the house. Leah approached Cap cautiously, not sure what to make of the scene she'd just witnessed.
“Spying on me?” he asked with a half-smile, his dimples half-accounted for.
“Yes I am,” Leah smiled back. “Surprised you still have your clothes on, to be honest.”
“Me?” Cap feigned surprise. “I can't believe no one has ripped this gorgeous dress off you yet. I, for one, am dying to see what's underneath.”
“You already know what's underneath, silly,” she retorted.
“That's true, but I'm sure Jeremy and his new girlfriend would like to solve the mystery,” Cap suggested with a wink. “I saw you talking to them inside. Isn't Amanda hot?”
Leah bristled. No matter how used to the new mindset she got, she felt like she would always cringe when her boyfriend claimed another woman was hot. When does that go away? When do I just smile and say, “I get her first?”
“Oh,” Leah said, trying desperately to measure out her response, “I suppose she's hot if you like well-endowed chicks with long dark hair and big brown eyes.”
“Well, I don't have a problem with them,” Cap announced. “Do you?”
Fisher of Men Page 26
