“When he met you, he called me up and said he found our manager. When he said it was you, I was delighted. I connected with you immediately, Leah. I knew you had a good character and a strong work ethic. I knew you were going places and that you were trustworthy. He kept telling me he wanted to wait to tell you about the club, wait till you knew more about the lifestyle, till you understood it. And I agreed.
“But never, ever in my wildest dreams did I think that Cap would seduce you to bring you on board. Hell no, I would have never, ever given my consent to that crazy, ridiculous bullshit, Leah. I genuinely thought he was falling for you and you for him. And I was thrilled beyond belief that it was all working out like that!
“I know he told me so many times that he was a confirmed bachelor and had no intention of settling down with another woman – not ever, no way, no how – but I knew you were special. I wasn't surprised that he'd changed his tune! But now...after what Rhonda told me, I had to reconsider all that, examine his motives and his true character...”
“Back up a minute,” Leah interrupted her. “What did you know about Cap's ex-wife? I know about his father already. But what about his ex?”
“Oh, he hasn't told you about Sharon?” she asked, her eyes wide.
“Not much, really, just that he felt like she got pregnant to trap him into marrying her,” Leah replied.
“Well, that much may be true,” Casey agreed. “But the story was that when his daughters were small and Sharon used to stay home with them, Cap not only had his business up here during the summer, but during the winter he used to go down to Florida and work for a buddy of his to help out with his charter business. And during that time, he had a whole other wife and family.”
“What?!” Leah felt anger bubbling up under the surface of her skin like hot magma about to explode from a volcano.
“That's what Sharon told me long ago. They used to swing together and she and I were friends. She figured it out by some medical bills that got sent to their house here in Ocean City by mistake. He had a winter family and a summer family apparently. When she found out, she left him.”
“I think I'm going to be sick,” Leah groaned. She stumbled into the restroom in the hallway and spewed the entire contents of her stomach into the toilet.
Casey was waiting in the hallway when Leah emerged. She had scrubbed her face so vigorously she thought she might have removed some of her freckles. Upon closer inspection, they remained intact, but her skin was now raw and splotchy.
“What are we going to do?” Casey asked her. She put the emphasis on the word “we.”
“I'm not sure,” Leah admitted, “but I think I am going to go home to bed. At least I know he'll be gone all evening so I can get my dog from his house and my things and I won't have to see him.”
“If I pull out of our venture, I'm going to lose all my money,” Casey said. She didn't say it as an argument, a persuasion, or even an excuse. It was just a remark, verbalizing the realization that was dominating all her thoughts. Then she returned to the subject at hand. “Let me go with you to pick up your dog and get you settled back in your apartment. Or you can come stay with me. I really don't know if you should be alone, Leah. I'm worried about you.”
“Casey, I really appreciate everything you've done for me, but I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. Just answer one thing though, okay?” Leah asked bravely, smoothing out her skirt and straightening her blouse. She was going into crisis management mode now. Except when I do this, it's always someone else's crisis, she thought.
“Anything you need, sweetheart. You know that.”
“You really believe Rhonda? I mean, you really trust her word over Cap's?” Leah asked, feeling like her next move completely hinged on Casey's answer.
“I've known them both a really long time,” Casey said. “I just can't imagine why Rhonda would lie about it. Why would she come to me with it? What would she get out of it? If she wanted me to dissolve my partnership with Cap, I'd understand, but she's as excited about this club as I am. She wants a job there, actually.”
“She does?” Leah questioned. Something about that didn't sit well with her.
“Yes, I think that's why she's been trying so hard to be nice to you,” Casey smiled. “Ordinarily Rhonda is pretty leery of anyone new in the group, male or female. It takes her awhile to warm up to people. But once she realized you were involved with the club and you might even be her boss someday, she totally changed her tune. She's spoken very highly of you, actually.”
“I see,” was all Leah could reply.
“I know you are a good judge of people,” Casey said. “Why don't you talk to Cap and ask him what he said to her? Just outright confront him! I bet you will be able to tell a lot from his reaction.”
“Maybe I will,” Leah replied. “Not tonight though. For tonight I just want to get my dog and curl up in my own bed.”
“Okay, darling,” Casey said, giving her a light kiss on the cheek. “Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do.”
Thankfully, Cap was still out on the boat when Leah went by his place to retrieve Glory. She tried not to look around the house or engage in interaction with Marlina or Keeper. She unceremoniously loaded up Glory and box of her things, then headed up Coastal Highway toward her apartment, the one she had been visiting once or twice a week, mostly to pack things to put in storage. She was relieved that all her furniture was still in place, so after taking Glory for a walk, she settled down on the sofa and flipped on her television. I guess it's a good thing I keep forgetting to cancel the cable, she thought, putting her feet up on the rattan ottoman.
Her stomach still reeled from the nausea she'd experienced in Casey's office. She kept playing her earlier conversations with Mary and Casey over and over again in her mind. It all culminated in one thought: how could I be so stupid to fall for him when he's completely fake? How did I not see the signs? Using me, making me believe that he loved me was one thing, but apparently his deception runs much deeper. He had a whole other family when he was married before? And, of course, he never told me. I wonder if his daughters even know.
She considered calling Aimee and crying on her shoulder for a while, but she was too sick and too embarrassed. A part of her wanted to load up her Jeep with Glory and all of the earthly possessions she could squeeze in and head off for parts unknown. I've had enough of the beach, she decided. Maybe I'll just start a new life in the mountains...some place out west maybe. I'll leave this Leah Miller behind and reinvent myself someplace else. Leah Miller 2.0. Or is it 3.0? she wondered.
During the evening, there were times she wished she were an alcoholic or a drug user, so she could get wasted or high, whatever it took to numb every nerve in her body that was crying out in anguish. There were dark, morbid, disturbing thoughts swirling around in her head that night, the kind of thoughts that reminded her how close a normal, seemingly well-adjusted person such as herself could be to falling off the edge of sanity. She wondered at times how it was she hadn't fallen off yet, but then she realized the reason was that she was too paralyzed to move, literally or figuratively.
Every time she received a text or phone call from him, the pain doubled up inside her. The first text came at 8 PM: where are you?
Then at 8:30 PM, a phone call. No voicemail.
At 8:45, another text: are you ok?
9:05: phone call and voice mail. She couldn't bring herself to listen.
9:30: I guess you decided to sleep at your place tonight.
9:55: Can we talk?
And then her phone was silent.
The next day, Leah aimed for business as usual. She decided not to tell Aimee, not to return Cap's phone calls, and only to return Casey's text with a brief I'm fine, thanks. She breezed into The Pearl, offering morning greetings to the front desk staff and a few other employees she saw in the hall. She exchanged pleasantries with her assistant and then waved to Barry as she proceeded to her office. “Well, you're in a good mood tod
ay!” Barry observed, poking his head through her open doorway.
“Just happy to be at work!” Leah exclaimed, turning on her computer. “I have those end-of-month reports for you and I'm all set to interview for the vacant head of housekeeping position.”
“You're the best!” Barry winked and headed off to the staff lounge to refill his coffee mug.
Imagine where I'd be if I'd already tendered my resignation like Cap wanted me to, Leah thought smugly. I'd be up shit creek, that's what. She wondered what was going to become of The Factory, if Casey would pull out of the partnership, if Cap would be left to flounder.
This is where I belong, she resolved, looking around her office. She logged into her computer and began poring over the day's agenda. It's like I had a momentary lapse in judgment. Well, momentary as in about six months, but whatever. At least I'm finally coming to. She shook her head as if she could free herself of the last particles of insanity that had infected her.
At lunch time, she ran home to walk Glory and bumped into a woman she recognized from Casey's Group who was also walking her dog. Leah didn't realize that they lived in the same complex, probably because she'd hardly been there since she started dating Cap.
“Oh, hey, Leah,” the woman said and Leah was grateful that the name Judy came to her at the last minute.
“How are you, Judy? Nice day out, huh?” Leah tried to feign cheerfulness.
“I'm good,” she replied, but couldn't muster a smile. Instead, a look of concern washed over her. “You sure you're okay? I heard what happened with Cap.”
Geez. Word travels fast, huh? She bit her lip and then managed a smile. “Oh, yeah, I'm fine,” she replied dismissively.
“Cap's a snake,” Judy offered. “I dated him a few years ago and it was all about him. Doesn't surprise me in the least that he was using you. He thinks women are put on this earth to satisfy his every whim. You're better off without him, sweetie, trust me.”
Leah was reeling from a mixture of anger, shock and frustration. Where were all these naysayers when I first started seeing him? she wondered. Why didn't anyone warn me? She didn't know whether to thank Judy or smack her across the face.
“I know you probably feel like crap,” Judy guessed after Leah failed to respond. “I'm sorry. I'll leave you alone.” She began to steer her pug in another direction.
“No, really, I'm fine,” Leah insisted. She smiled again and jerked Glory's leash back toward her building.
But when she settled back into her desk chair later that afternoon, a solitary tear rolled down her cheek as the realization that it was over began to sink in. She held her breath for a moment, waiting for the sensations to pass, for the pain to fade again and allow her to get on with her day. But one question echoed repeatedly through her mind: was anything we shared real? Was even one single moment genuine?
Two days later, during her mother's weekly phone call, Leah confirmed that she'd be attending Andrew and Mikayla's wedding alone, no plus one. Her mother complained that she was looking forward to meeting the new boyfriend, about which Leah simply explained, “We broke up. Don't worry. You wouldn't have liked him anyway.” Mrs. Miller had the good sense not to demand elaboration.
That day, Leah also shared the news with Aimee. “Oh, Leah, I'm so very sorry,” her best friend said. “Do I need to come down there? I could help you unpack all your things. Natalie could entertain us while we put everything away. She's got a few new tricks since you saw her last.”
For some reason, it was when Leah heard the concern in her friend's voice that she could contain her sorrow no longer. She sobbed into the phone, “I don't know if I can stay here. I hate being in OC without him.”
She realized another dream had died, the dream of a child she and Cap might have someday far in the future. She'd get flashes sometimes when she thought about Aimee and Natalie. She'd let those little glimpses come and go without too much attention or concern. They floated around in her mind, untethered to any specific expectations, but nonetheless nascent. She could finally admit that Cap was right he claimed that someday when she met the right man, she'd want to have his baby. I think in my heart of hearts, I thought he was the one, even though I was too scared to believe it.
That admittance illuminated the depths of the loss she had suffered. She had downplayed it, sidestepped it, and danced all around it for a few days now, but the simple fact was, another man she loved betrayed her. And what does that say about me? she wondered. Is hurting me so inevitable? Do men enjoy it? Do I seem like easy pickings?
“Leah?” Aimee's voice came through the phone line. “Are you still there?”
She realized this had been the longest stretch of time she'd gone without communicating with him in months. And after the other night, he hadn't tried to contact her. I guess he knows he's guilty and isn't even going to try to redeem himself, she thought. I guess that's better than hearing the lies come out of his mouth with my own ears. “Yes, I'm here,” she finally assured her friend. “I just don't know what to say anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore.”
“I know exactly who you are,” Aimee answered. “You're Leah Elizabeth Miller, valedictorian of your high school class, 4.0 summa cum laude graduate of Cornell, and the youngest assistant general manager of a hotel I've ever heard of. You're the smartest, kindest, most generous person I know. And you're also the most capable. I've never seen you tackle a situation over which you did not arise victoriously. You are one of the strongest and most stubborn people I have ever met, and I know damn well you aren't going to let some redneck fisherman take any of that away from you!”
By the time Aimee finished her speech, Leah's face was drenched with tears. “Thank you,” she managed, trying hard to swallow down the rest of the sadness and get herself together. “I really needed to hear that.”
“I know you did and I meant every word. Please let Natalie and I come see you this weekend?” she asked.
“Okay,” Leah brightened. “You got it.”
That night when Cap finally tried to call again, Leah simply picked up the phone and said, “You're not who I thought you were. Please don't contact me again.”
Without saying a word, he ended the call.
TWENTY
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. -John 14:27 (ESV)
It's amazing how the heart handles grief. In the beginning, there's only numbness and denial. The victim wakes up in the morning and wonders if maybe it was all a bad dream. The sun is still showering the world with brilliant, unparalleled joy. Any world this golden can't be that cruel, she thinks.
And then the darkness creeps back in: no, it wasn't a dream. My heart really did shatter into a million unfixable pieces. The mind is finally able to process what it all means, to accept that those broken pieces will never fit together again like they did before. There is permanent, irrefutable damage. And then the pain comes on with such an excruciating, intolerable force that the human body cannot manufacture enough tears to soak it. Not even the ocean contains enough salt water to wash it away.
Next comes a funny thing called hope. It seeps in to all those broken joints and presents a shiny, beautifully wrapped gift. Maybe, just maybe things might work out after all. Maybe he will call and have all the right answers. Maybe it was all a joke, a misunderstanding, or even a dare. But this passes too.
Finally days turn into weeks and those into months and there is a strength that has formed in the scar tissue holding the broken pieces together. There are times when a thought, a memory, inflicts a sting, a little welt rises up, but it's quickly covered over. And then, the victim realizes she has survived a broken heart. She's no longer a victim; she's a survivor.
This is the way it was for Leah after her relationship with Captain Chris Sheldon fell apart. She couldn't even think of him as Cap anymore. He seemed like some sort of fable, a cautionary tale. By June she was headed off to Neb
raska for her brother's wedding feeling formidable, a paragon of resilience. She didn't even take Aimee to serve as a buffer. She stood up in the wedding party as a bridesmaid in her somewhat unflattering peach satin dress and mingled with family and church-goers at the reception. And she felt strong and healthy doing it.
The day after, her mother pulled her aside and asked if she was okay. “I know you and your boyfriend broke up last month. What happened?” she questioned.
“He just wasn't who I thought he was,” Leah explained, and it was not a lie. One thing she had decided as a result of everything that had happened was that she was tired of always erecting an impenetrable façade and trying to meet everyone's expectations for her. She could only be herself, flawed and imperfect, but genuine. She wouldn't stop trying to please people, for that was her gift and her career, but she was no longer going to do it at her own expense.
“I'm sorry to hear that,” Mrs. Miller said, pulling her daughter into an embrace. She got a funny, misty-eyed smile across her lips. “Have I told you lately how proud I am of you?”
Leah looked up at her mother with surprise. She hadn't heard her mother say those words in years. She always believed quite the opposite, that her parents were disappointed in her choices. She hadn't followed the path they'd desired for her, the path her little brother had willingly chosen.
“You know, when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a flight attendant,” her mother admitted, eyes even mistier with images of her younger self growing up on the prairies of Wahoo, Nebraska. ”I'd never even been on a plane before, mind you. But I was fascinated with them! I think I saw it in a movie or something. It seemed so romantic, flying in and out of different cities, never knowing who you might meet. Maybe I thought some handsome pilot would sweep me off my feet! Literally, you know?”
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