by S. Swan
“Why?” He already knows I’m pregnant. I thought about what I’d tell Mom. “Hey, Mom you’re going to be a spook-tacular grandma.” She was going to kill me. Ugh!
“To start birth control,” Jimmy said.
“That doesn’t help when you’ve already done the deed!” I began to freak out.
Jimmy laughed heartily. “You’re not pregnant.”
“Then why did you mention it?”
“I suddenly felt the urge to do it again and I thought I’d better check with you.”
“How do you know I’m not pregnant?”
Jimmy closed his eyes and made a face like he was thinking real hard. He pulled me off the stool and said, “No babies in there.” He patted my tummy. I wasn’t convinced. How could he sense anything this quick? I’d have to wait the agonizing two weeks until my period was due.
We showered and got back in bed together. We cuddled a little, but cautious not let the lust take over again. Trust me; I was too occupied with baby thoughts to get in any kind of mood.
Suddenly I didn’t want Jimmy to leave me. I felt needy. “Jimmy, don’t leave tonight,” I pleaded.
“I hadn’t planned on it Babe.” Jimmy yawned.
“Good,” I said. Jimmy wrapped his arms around me again. This time the warmth of his body felt good. Slowly, I drifted off to sleep listening to the sound of Jimmy lightly snoring next to me.
Sometime after midnight, I became hazily aware of a light in another room. I remembered Jimmy staying over. He must be up. I rolled over to go back to sleep, but then I heard voices. Mom and Jimmy were in the midst of a heated debate. I heard Mom, her voice hushed but irritated. “I thought you were different Jimmy.”
“I am,” Jimmy said.
“No you’re not. You’re just like every other man in the world!” I couldn’t imagine why mom was so upset. It couldn’t have been because Jimmy and I had sex. My parents had been swingers back in the seventies. I rolled over and listened more intently.
“You don’t understand.”
“Oh, I do understand, Young Man,” Mom snapped. “You took advantage of my daughter and now you’re dumping her.”
“Hold on, Carmen!” Jimmy barked. “I didn’t take advantage of your daughter and I’m not dumping her.”
“Then what do you call it?”
“I’m not leaving for good. It’s just…” He paused. “for a while.”
“Cassie loves you,” Mom said. “You’re going to break her heart.” What was going to break my heart? I almost jumped out of bed and confronted them, but my presence would end the conversation.
“I love her too,” Jimmy said, “but I’m not the man that she’s supposed to be with.”
“Ha!” Mom barked, sarcastically. “I’ve heard it all before Jimmy. I love you, but not in love with you. I’m not your soul mate...Cassie may be naïve, but I’m not.”
“Carmen, I wish like hell I was the one for your daughter. I love her so much it hurts. Leaving like this is killing me, but I have to do what’s right. Sometimes what’s right is not what anyone wants.” There was a long silence, and then Jimmy added, “I know you love her too, Carmen. Don’t you want your daughter to be happy?”
“She’s not going to be happy.”
“She will, but I have to go and deal with some stuff first.”
“What kind of stuff? Did you have vision?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“What am I supposed to tell her?”
“I’ll call Cassie in the morning and explain everything,” Jimmy said. “Cassie will understand.”
I understood. Jimmy had a vision about something that may or may not have to do with me. Whatever the reason, he had to deal with it before he continued with our relationship. On many other occasions, Jimmy packed up and ran to another state to deal with some vision. Once, he was gone over a month. When he returned, he seemed traumatized for several days. He never told me what he did. He told me that there were unimaginable evils in the universe that no one should have to know about. “Like ignorance or prejudice?” I asked.
“Not alliterative evil. I mean true evil.”
“Satan and demons kind of evil?” I asked
“Evil takes many forms,” he said. “Sometimes it’s just demented people doing evil deeds, but there’s a greater energy source that feeds on those deeds and it grows stronger every day.” I thought of the bible school. They taught us about how Satan fed on the evils of man. Our bad deeds gave Satan power.
I trusted Jimmy. He had to go do an exorcism, or whatever he did while he was away. Mom was too over protective. It would be alright, I convinced myself. I knew Jimmy and he wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye. He wasn’t going to break up with me. He just needed to save the world, one more time. I imagined Jimmy being a superhero and me, the always faithful, girlfriend. I repeated assurances in my head until I floated back to sleep.
CHAPTER 4
I rolled over in an empty bed. I had a vague recollection of a conversation. I remembered the heated words between Mom and Jimmy. As the morning-after haze cleared from my brain, I grew distressed. Mom seemed adamant that Jimmy was dumping me. He swore he wasn’t. He said he’d call and explain. Jimmy must have had a vision. I couldn’t do anything, except wait for him to call me.
Oddly enough, Mom remained scarce. I didn’t want to hear the lecture anyway. Mom liked to say, “Why buy the cow when you get the milk free?” Mom had no idea that I over heard my father talk about their younger days at Mom’s funeral. Several mutual friends came to Mom’s showing. They huddled outside in the parking lot smoking. I stepped out to get some air, when I heard dad talking. He laughed. I drew closer to hear, wanting to hear what was so funny.
“Boy, Carmen was one wild Philly,” a man said.
“Oh yeah,” Dad said. “She was the one who instigated the key parties.” I didn’t remember my parents having any parties.
“I still think of the night I drew Carmen’s keys out of the bowl. Best sex I’ve ever had,” The man said. I about choked. Mom had sex with another man, while married!
“What about Helen?” Dad asked. “I drew her keys and she was rowdy in the sack too.”
“I guess when you’re married to them, you get accustomed to them.” Both men chuckled.
“Life was pretty good back then,” Dad reminisced. “Everything changed after Cassie was born.” Dad sighed. It hurt me to hear that I was the demise of my parent’s marriage. “Don’t get me wrong,” He added, “I liked having a baby, but Carmen changed.”
Many months later, I learned what a “Key Party” entailed. Bored suburbanites threw the parties with friends and neighbors. They put their house keys in a bowl when they arrived. Later in the evening, each man drew out a set of keys and that’s the woman he’d go home with that night. Basically, it was a spouse swap. To me it seemed kind of sexist. It revolted me to think my mother organized the parties.
My parent’s sex life gave me the willies. Instead, I switched mental gears. I thought of the magical evening with Jimmy. Then another thought surfaced. We didn’t use protection! Was Jimmy’s vision something to do with me being pregnant? No, that couldn’t be. Jimmy had integrity. He would never leave me because I was pregnant. Jimmy wanted marriage and children. I didn’t, at least not yet.
I spent most of the week agonizing between being pregnant and being dumped. Sometimes tormented by both at once. I didn’t even want to think about being pregnant and alone. I pushed that thought out of my mind. The dreadful idea came back with each hour that passed with no call.
The days crawled by with no interruptions from Mom and no calls from Jimmy. I felt abandoned. By Sunday, the walls of my one bedroom apartment closed in. I had to get out and do something. I would do anything if it kept my mind off of Jimmy.
It wasn’t unusual for Mom to vanish for a few days, but I couldn’t understand why she picked this instance to take a break from me. I needed to talk to someone, even if it was my mother. I didn’t ca
re if she scolded me for being easy. I just needed someone to talk to.
Apparently, Jimmy and I were over. I gave up calling Jimmy’s home and cell after I filled both voice mail boxes. Clearly, Jimmy wasn’t home. After that, I ceased being optimistic that he would call, but at the same time, I had a gut feeling something was wrong. All weekend, I shifted between worry and anger. I wanted to know which emotion to feel.
I didn’t move from the couch all weekend. I watch the news for disasters or plane crashes, in between dozing. I only got up to eat and use the bathroom. I hadn’t showered or changed out of my pajamas since Friday night.
Finally, I had enough with the solitude, self-pity, and the funk radiating from my body. I took a long hot shower, threw on some clothes, and headed for the local coffee shop. I needed to see the sunlight. I needed to see people. On the way to the coffee shop, I stopped at the public library. I wanted a book to read to fit in at the coffee shop, not look like loser that I was.
I browsed the shelves. I didn’t want a romance or a murder mystery, which usually would have been my first picks. Neither did I want a book about psychics, ghosts, or anything paranormal. I had enough of that subject too. I finally settled on a non-fiction book about scandals in the monarchies. It seemed harmless enough. The inside teaser made me laugh.
The coffee shop seemed dead. I saw only four vehicles in the parking lot, two trucks, a motorcycle, and a maroon Ford sedan that looked familiar. I saw fords everywhere, but I recognized the placard hanging from the mirror. I couldn’t read it, but the placard stood out in my mind. I hoped the car didn’t belong to someone I knew. Even though I looked better than I had an hour ago, I still didn’t look great. My eyes puffed from lack of sleep and crying; I didn’t wear any make up; my ponytail hung askew; and I wore thick glasses instead of my contacts.
My cell phone rang as I walked to the door. Jimmy! I stopped in my tracks and snatched it from its holder. I looked at the number. I didn’t recognize it. It had a Chicago area code. Disappointed, I started to put the phone away, but then I remembered Jimmy’s family lived in Chicago. I fumbled to answer it before it went to voice mail.
“Hello!”
“Cassie?” Jimmy asked, cautiously.
“Jimmy!” I cried. “Where the hell are you?” Redundant question. I already knew he was in Chicago.
“I’m staying at my brother’s house for a while.” Jimmy’s voice was flat and mechanical. He spoke slow and measured.
“Why haven’t you called?”
“Listen, Cassie.” Jimmy began. “I’m confused. I need some time to clear my head.” I couldn’t believe it. Jimmy planned to dump me. I wondered how many times he rehearsed the words. I refused to listen anymore. In a monotone voice Jimmy listed reasons. “It’s me…” and “I just need a break....”
“Fuck you, Jimmy!” I yelled and hung up. It sounded like Jimmy read his lines. Knowing Jimmy, he wrote it on three by five note cards. “Cassie, you’re such and idiot!” I said to myself.
I paced the sidewalk on the brink of tears. My phone rang. I looked at it. Jimmy again. “You’re not going to answer it.” I said to myself. I fought the urge until it stopped ringing. Minutes later the phone chimed in notification of voice mail message “Don’t listen to it.” I looked insane, pacing back and forth talking to myself. The phone rang and went to voice mail three more times before I couldn’t stand it. I answered.
“Cassie, don’t hang up,” Jimmy pleaded. It was the real Jimmy this time, not the rehearsed Jimmy. “I do love you, but...”
“I know, but you’re not in love with me...” I quoted Mom.
“No! I love you and I’m in love with you, but I can’t be with you right now.”
“Don’t give me that bull shit!” I said, “You were fine with me Wednesday night. Was I just a lay?”
“Cassie, you know that’s not true. You know me better than that.”
“No, Jimmy, I don’t. Right now I don’t know anything,” I said, tears flowing down my cheeks. “The Jimmy I thought I knew wouldn’t have slipped out in the middle of the night and disappeared for days without so much as a word.”
“I knew you’d be mad.”
“I wasn’t mad Jimmy. I knew you were leaving. I heard you and Mom talking. I was worried sick! Now, you call and dump me.” I yelled into the phone. “Do you know what I’ve been doing while you’ve been in Chicago?”
“No.”
“I’ve waiting by the phone, worried sick that you were hurt or dead!”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Sorry doesn’t work.”
“Really, I’m sorry. I don’t want to do this.”
“Then why are you?” I sniffed. I fought the tears, but they fell anyway.
“I can’t explain it.”
“Jimmy, I know you had a vision. Was it about him again?”
“You need to take care of yourself,” he said. He didn’t answer my question.
“Why? Was the vision about me?”
“It’s not that,” he said, “but with all of those murders...”
“Was it about the man who killed Skye?”
“No. I just want you to be safe.”
“Damn it Jimmy! Quite beating around the bush,” I said. “Let me help you. I can come to Chicago.”
“You can’t!” He exclaimed, and then sighed. “I know you’re hurt and frustrated, but I’ll be back soon. I can explain everything then.”
“Jimmy, quit talking in riddles!” I cried. “Just tell me, are we over?”
“We’ll always be friends, but lovers… well I don’t know.”
“I’m sorry Jimmy, I can’t go back to just being friends.”
“We’ll talk when I return from Chicago.”
“No, we won’t,” I said, “Goodbye, Jimmy.” I started to hang up.
“Wait, Cassie!” Jimmy pleaded, desperately. “Don’t be at Mary House...” I hung up before Jimmy finished. For a second, I considered hitting redial, but changed my mind. It was probably just another riddle. Forget Jimmy, I don’t need him!
The hollowness crept in. In the span of ten minutes, I lost my only love, confidant and best friend. Many times, Jimmy insisted a relationship would ruin everything. I just couldn’t let it go. Truthfully, I didn’t want him to be with anyone else, but me. Even before our one week affair, it destroyed me to think about. Jimmy has not gone without for four years. He simply never told me about other women.
My legs shook. If I didn’t sit, I’d collapse. I plopped down at a sidewalk table. I put my head in my hands and cried softly. I didn’t care if people watched. “Miss. Williams?” A deep southern voice asked. “Are you all right?” I realized where I saw the maroon Ford before. I saw it at Mary House on Wednesday. The placard in the mirror was a police placard. Great, as if life wasn’t bad enough, Ben, the Wonder Cop, is here to see me weepy and alone.
I kept my face covered. “I’m fine,” I said through my fingers.
“Did you have a fight with your boyfriend?” Ben asked. I didn’t answer. “I’m sure it will be all worked out by tomorrow.”
“He dumped me.”
“Odd, I wouldn’t have thought,” he said, genuinely astonished.
I uncovered my face and looked at him. “Why?” I asked.
“He just seemed head over heels for you.”
“Really?” I asked in surprise.
“Yeah, I’m sure he’ll come to his senses,” Ben said. He patted my back. “He better. A pretty girl like you won’t stay single for long.”
“Yeah, right,” I said, pointing to my red and swollen nose. “Men can’t resist this.”
Ben chuckled. “Men love that.” He teased. “The redder the better.” I forced a smile. “I’m sure, what’s his name, will be at your door when you get home.”
“I don’t think so. He’s in another state.”
“Damn! He went all the way to another state to dump you? What did you do to him?”
“He’s visiting family.”
“Listen; let me buy you a cup of coffee,” Ben said. “It’s dangerous to be driving as upset as you are.”
“I’m fine,” I said. And the last thing I want to do is be around a man.
“I insist.” Ben smiled at me.
“Coffee’s stains your teeth,” I said. Ben had perfectly straight white teeth, unmistakably the result of dental work. Mom couldn’t afford braces for me. As a result, I grew up with a slight overbite. Mom thought it gave me character.
“You shouldn’t drink a lot with your pretty smile.” Vomit! Ben laid it on thick. I scowled at him. Ben smiled back at me. He leaned on the table resting his chin on his fist like the thinker. “Look, I know you’ve had a hard week. I’m just trying to be nice.”
I gave Ben a suspicious look. “Just being nice?”
“That’s all,” he said, raising his hands.
“Maybe another time,” I said.
“Alright.” Ben smiled. I smiled back. “See at least you’re not crying anymore.”
“True.”
“Do you live around here?” Ben asked.
“Yeah,” I said, stepping away from the table. “Not far.”
“Hopefully, we’ll run into each other here again.” Ben must live close. I’ll have to find a new coffee shop to frequent.
“Maybe,” I said. “I have to go.”
“Bye,” He said almost impishly. Ben looked older than me, but he had a boyish appeal about him too. Ben seemed nice enough, but he wasn’t Jimmy. I love Jimmy. I almost cried again.
When I got home, I found something stuck in my door jam. I pulled it out and looked at it. A sermon program from The Holy Covenant of the Apostle Church preached at me in print. Phew! I breathed. I’m glad I went out after all. Someone wrote a message on the back. “Sorry, we missed you. We’ll try again another time.”
I looked at the loopy writing. “I don’t think so,” I said to the paper.
“What?” Mom asked as I accidentally walked through her. Her Navy blue pant suit smudged out of focus and back again.
“Oh, I didn’t see you there,” I said. I hated walking through Mom as much as she hated it. Droplets of condensation clung to me. The slimy feel sickened me. I stuck the program between the pages of the library book.
