“And is that your only fear? Money?”
I had to be honest with myself, didn’t I? God, my throat was tight and my head pounded. This introspective shit was hard. “I think I’m scared too, Ma. I’m scared to lose friends because of who I am, to read what the press has to say.” I braced my elbows on my knees and wrapped my hands around the back of my head. “Shit.”
The couch dipped beside me, and then lips pressed against my temple. I closed my eyes. “No matter what,” Ma whispered, “I will love you. And I’m proud of you. And this family will survive because we don’t know how not to.”
Later that night, I lay in bed on my back, staring at my ceiling. I’d left the blinds open and the moonlight filtered in, catching on the trophies and medals I’d earned in high school. I rotated my cell phone in my hands, then turned it on, quickly typing in my passcode and flipping to my photos. I smiled as I found the photo of Quinn and myself that I’d taken on the boat the morning we’d eaten Lucky Charms. Quinn’s red-gold hair was blown back from the wind, his blue eyes as bright as the sky behind us. His mouth was open midlaugh, his head half-turned to look at me. I was beaming at the camera, and even I knew that was the smile of Jay. Not J. R.
Sometimes I texted Casey, who was still talking to Jess. I’d get updates from him about Quinn, but I wouldn’t let him tell Jess or Quinn that I asked about him.
I told myself it was for him, but really it was for me. I knew if I heard from Quinn, one word that he wanted to talk to me, I’d cave.
But now that I was home, now that I’d begun to sift through everything in my head, I wasn’t so sure anymore if I was doing either of us any good.
Even if Quinn never wanted anything to do with me. Even if our time on that boat was all we had, I didn’t know if I could do this again, sign on for another period in my life where I couldn’t be who I was.
I turned off my phone, rolled over, and decided I’d think more tomorrow. Tonight, I’d sleep.
Chapter Nineteen
Quinn
I retied the bandana around my forehead and wiped the sweat out of my eyes. The kitchen at Patty’s BBQ was always a fucking sauna. Well, a sauna that smelled like smoke and barbecue.
Colin, who was now the manager, peeked his head into the kitchen and spotted me. “That was the last car, so we’re closing the drive-through. Your parents are out in the dining room when you’re finished.”
I nodded, and bent my head to begin cleanup.
Graduation had been a couple weeks ago, and I’d returned to Plymouth, North Carolina, to work at Patty’s for the summer. Colin and Jess’s parents owned Patty’s, and it was the only job I’d ever had. It was hard, sweaty work, but I was going to miss it when I was sitting in my pampered office.
I hadn’t told my parents yet where that office was going to be. They still thought I was going to stay in North Carolina, living at home.
It’d taken a cruise ship and a reality show celebrity for me to see that I couldn’t do that. To be the man I wanted to be, I had to get away. I had to live on my own. I had to start a new life.
Even if it scared the shit out of me.
It was rather calculating of me, but I planned to tell them now out in the dining room. My mom refused to make a scene in public, so she couldn’t get hysterical this way.
Once I’d finished wiping down the kitchen, I washed my hands and face, then quickly changed my shirt, since it was streaked with sweat and food. I still smelled like a . . . well, like a barbecue cook, but whatever.
When I walked out into the dining room, I spotted my parents in one of the corner booths. They sat beside each other, leaving the booth across from them empty for me. This was going to be an interrogation.
I slid into the booth and they looked up. “Honey,” Mom said. “How was work?”
I snagged a French fry off her plate. “Good.”
“Manners,” she tsked. “We got you a soda. Do you want us to order you something to eat?”
I shook my head as I ripped the paper off my straw and dropped it into my drink. “I’m all right. I grabbed a sandwich earlier.”
We fell into silence as I drank my soda, letting the bubbles fizz on my tongue.
“So,” my dad began. “Have you thought about—”
“I’m taking the job in California,” I blurted out. Just like that. I vomited the words out on the table where we all sat staring at them like they were poison.
“What?” Mom finally whispered. “What did you say?”
I was an adult, dammit. I could do this. I looked her in the eye. “I decided I’m taking the job in California.”
“But—”
“I’m in a rut here. And if I stay, I’ll never get out of it. I need to be forced outside my comfort zone for me to realize who I am and who I want to be.” Wow, this was becoming an epic speech. I wished I was recording myself to play it later when I had an anxiety attack over moving across the country. “I know in my heart that this isn’t where I want to be. I love it here, don’t get me wrong. But I want to experience new things and challenge myself. I can’t do that here.”
Dad’s jaw was nearly on the table and my mother looked near tears. “Quinn,” she whispered. “Let’s not make hasty decisions.”
“We’re not making any decisions. Hasty or otherwise. This is my decision.” I thought my entire body was going to go up in flames. I’d never talked to my parents like this. But it was time, and I couldn’t handle it anymore. “I need to do this. Please understand.”
“But where will you live? Who will you know?”
“Mom, I’m not the first person to move to a new place for a job. The company has a department that will help me find an apartment. I’ll meet my coworkers and hopefully some of them will turn into friends. It’ll be okay.”
Mom didn’t look any better, but my father seemed . . . almost proud? I clenched my fists in my lap. “What do you think, Dad?”
He took a sip of his iced tea, not speaking for a full minute. Dad never rushed his words, always working them out in his head before he vocalized anything. Finally, he met my gaze. “Your mother and I will miss you. Very much. But I think this is the right decision for you. I worried a little bit about you staying here . . .”
“John,” Mom gasped.
He held up his hand, and she fell silent with a huff. “We’ll always worry. We’ll never stop being your parents, but it’s time for you to be a man, Quinn. And I think you’re doing a damn fine job of that.”
I was going to cry, right in the middle of Patty’s. It wasn’t like my parents hadn’t ever told me they were proud of me. But this was a decision I’d made all on my own, one I’d agonized over repeatedly. I didn’t need my parents to approve, although it sure helped. “Thank you,” I said. “I promise we’ll keep in touch all the time. I’ll call and we’ll FaceTime. You can come visit.”
Dad smiled while Mom dapped her eyes with a napkin. “We’ll do that.”
Suddenly, I was hungry again. Turned out life decisions took a lot of energy. I flagged down a waitress and ordered a late dinner.
***
I woke up the next day to banging, and then excited voices. I rolled over and checked the time, noting it was nine in the morning. I didn’t have to work today, so I had planned to sleep in. What was that racket? I was about to holler at everyone to shut up when my bedroom door burst open. I yelped and tugged the sheet up to my neck as Jess raced in and jumped on my bed. “Quinn!”
“Jess, what the hell?”
She rolled her eyes and tugged on the fabric. “Stop. I’ve seen you without a shirt, you weirdo.”
I sat up, and the sheet pooled around my waist. “Why are you here? Why are you in my bed?”
She blinked at me. “You really don’t know, do you?”
I slapped my hands down on the bed. “Jess, what the hell?”
“What were you
doing last night?”
“Uh, I came home from work, showered, and then read.”
Her eyes widened, then she hopped off my bed, grabbed my laptop from the desk, and sat down beside me. “So, the Trip League reunion show was on last night.”
Oh. I had known that. I wanted to watch but . . . I needed time to shore up all my emotions before I saw Jay again. Although he’d be J. R. on the show. I wasn’t sure if that would be more or less painful for me to see.
She tapped away at the keys, then slid the laptop onto my lap. “Watch.”
The video was already playing, a clip from the reunion show. My breath caught as the camera zoomed in on Jay. He sat slumped on a stool, his leg jittering, his gaze darting around.
“What’s wrong?” I looked at Jess. “Is he okay?”
She pointed at the screen. “Just watch.”
The host was talking to Jay now, and I turned up the volume. “So, Jay, rumors have dogged you since the cruise. You want to give the audience any insight on whether or not you were unfaithful to Andrea?”
I rubbed my chest. “Oh God, poor Jay.”
He froze for a second, his gaze darting to Levi next to him before he focused back on the host. “Uh, yeah, I’d like to address that, actually.”
Oh no.
Jay ran his tongue along his bottom lip, pausing when he reached the corner, before leaning forward on his stool. His posture was better, his eyes a little brighter. “So, I have some things to admit, and I hope people can forgive me, because I’ve told some lies and omitted some truths. I thought I was doing the right thing for my career and for the show, but I can’t keep this secret anymore.” He took a deep breath, and I took it with him as my fingers strayed to the screen, brushing it where his hands lay in his lap. “There is no Andrea. We made her up—my agent and me—to hide the fact that I’m bisexual.”
The audience gasped, and the host’s mouth gaped like a fish. Levi slid off his stool wrapped his arms around Jay’s waist, then hopped back onto his chair, a triumphant grin on his face. Casey high-fived Jay, who laughed breathlessly. One by one, the cast members offered their support on camera with a hug or whispered words or a kiss on the cheek.
I was fucking crying.
Jay wasn’t done. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to everyone who feels hurt or betrayed. There are many reasons we did this, most I can’t say publicly, but I hope everyone understands it was complicated. I thought that at the time, it would be fine. I could date women and it wouldn’t matter, but . . .” He shook his head. “It does matter. It matters that I can’t be who I am, that I can’t be free to date or be with anyone I’m attracted to, that even if I were in a heterosexual relationship, I wouldn’t be able to tell them the truth about me. For them to know all about me.”
“Well,” the host said, managing to find his voice, “congratulations on the truth.”
Jay smiled, and it was Jay’s smile, the one I loved. “Thanks.”
“So this Quinn . . . ?”
Jay looked down for a minute, his lips moving without sound. The camera zoomed in as he lifted his head and looked right into the lens, his face taking up the entire frame. “I met a guy on the cruise. He showed me what it was like to leap and proved to me that I was someone worth betting on.” He sniffed and dipped his head as his face scrunched up.
I couldn’t breathe. I was going to have a heart attack.
He stared into the camera again, his eyes wet. “Lucky, I don’t know where you are, or if you’re even watching this. But I still have that chip, and I think I’d like to cash it in.” He laughed softly. “The house didn’t win. We did.”
The camera panned away, and I lost it. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.” I held my head and rocked back and forth, as the clip stopped on a freeze-frame of Jay’s face. Arms wrapped around me, blond hair tickled my ear. Jess. Jess was here.
I turned and clung to her like a lifeline. “He . . . he. . . .”
“I know,” she said. “I know.”
“But what if he fucked everything up! What if he can’t find work! What if he can’t help his family! I’m not worth this!”
Jess grabbed my face between her hands and squeezed. “Quinn, get it together.”
“I—”
“Focus, Quinn,” she said. “Calm down.”
I breathed. In and out. In and out. Matching my breaths with hers. Finally, when my heart was no longer beating out of my chest, I nodded.
She dropped her hands. “This was Jay’s decision to do this. And he had time to think it through. He didn’t walk off the boat and immediately declare his sexuality and proclaim his love for you. Think about it, Quinn. He planned this.”
She was right. Of course she was right. Jess was always right.
I speared my hands through my hair. “I’m so worried for him. I hope he’s okay. Is the Internet freaking out?”
She placed her index finger and thumb about an inch apart, scrunching her nose. “Uh, little bit.”
“God, this is insane.”
“Quinn. Uh, there’s something else?”
I couldn’t take much more. “What?”
She nibbled her lip. “He’s . . . coming here.”
I blinked. “Say what?”
“He’s. Coming. Here. With Casey. On a plane. Today.”
Today. She’d said today. “Today?!”
“He wants to see you. Do you want to see him?”
I was going to lose my mind. “Of course I want to see him! I’ve thought of nothing but him for months. I close my eyes and I see his. I step outside, and I can swear I hear him laugh. I can’t eat my favorite cereal, for fuck’s sake, because I get a hard-on, and that’s really fucking awkward at breakfast with my mom!”
Jess was bent over laughing.
“This isn’t funny!” I yelled at her.
She laughed harder. I picked up a pillow and began to hit her with it, while she defended herself weakly. “Stop,” she gasped for breath. “I’m sorry! Now stop.”
“You are mean!”
She sat up on her knees, her face flushed with laughter, tears in her eyes. “So, what do you think?”
“I think . . . I need to shower. And eat cereal that isn’t Lucky Charms. And I need to figure out what the hell I’m going to say to him.”
She leaned forward. “This is so exciting. This is basically Pretty Woman.”
“There is nothing Pretty Woman about this. I’m not a prostitute and I don’t live in a shitty apartment with my prostitute friend.”
“But he’s going to ride in all gallantly—”
“Your analogy sucks.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “You suck.”
I hit her with the pillow again. “Get out so I can shower.”
She hopped off the bed and sauntered to the door, then looked at me over her shoulder. “I need to get ready, too. Casey is coming to see me, after all.” She winked.
I scrambled out of bed. “Shit, I’m so not ready for this.”
“See you soon!” she called as she walked out.
I stood in the middle of my room in my boxers, staring at myself in the mirror. My hair stood on end, and I had sleep lines all over my face from my pillow. But most of all, I had no idea what the hell I was going to say to Jay. The Quinn who boarded that cruise ship was a vastly different Quinn than I felt like now. Would I still feel the same when I looked at him? Would he still feel the same way about me?
I was going to barf.
Chapter Twenty
Jay
I saw his hair first, and it was a little blonder than I’d remembered.
Casey and I had no idea what the fuck we were doing. He wanted to see Jess. I couldn’t wait to lay eyes on Quinn. So we’d flown to North Carolina and rented a car and found the nicest hotel we could that was close to Quinn’s town. Which was se
riously in Narnia.
But I didn’t care. Because as I pressed my nose up against the glass of my hotel room like a little kid, Quinn was walking through the parking lot toward the front doors, arm in arm with Jess, his head down.
I rubbed my palms on my shorts and checked the air conditioner in the room for the umpteenth time. I’d already taken a shower, or I’d do it again based on how much sweat was soaking my T-shirt. Gross.
I had offered to share a room with Casey, but he wanted to be alone with Jess. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be alone with Quinn, but I wasn’t sure . . . how this was going to go.
It was only a couple of months since I’d seen him, but it felt like years. We’d had only a handful of days, and they’d done so much to change the course of my life.
When I could no longer see Quinn, I stepped back into the room and sat down on the bed. Since the show aired, I hadn’t looked online. Hell, I’d barely been able to breathe, every inhale catching in my chest, my lungs pierced with a thousand fishhooks. The last thing I’d wanted to see was what everyone was posting on the show’s message boards. They could be cursing me out and hurling every slur at me in the book for all I knew.
I’d given my agent a heads-up about what I’d planned to do and he told me he could no longer represent me because I was committing career suicide. The audition he’d gotten for me was canceled because they’d heard the news and said I was no longer right for their network because of my “values.” The thought that I was now untouchable, toxic, and that my career was in the tank before it ever started sent a streak of white-hot fear through me.
I couldn’t dwell on that now, though. I focused on one thing at a time. My family had called me, all of them screaming with excitement at once over FaceTime, their faces blurred because they wouldn’t stop moving. I hadn’t seen Darren that happy in so long. He said he wasn’t crying, but I saw the tear tracks staining his cheeks dark.
And then there was Quinn. I’d planned out what I’d say on TV, but I hadn’t planned to address Quinn. It must have been the adrenaline of the situation, or the gratitude I was feeling toward the man who’d begun the push to get me out of the rut I was in.
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