“That will be nice,” I said. I wanted to say more but what could I say to her? Instead, I picked up the photo for a closer look.
“It’s a great photo,” she said. “If it wasn’t for my children, I don’t know where I’d be. But then I don’t need to tell you, do I? You’re friends with Chad. You know what a gentle soul he is. He really could’ve made something of himself. He got accepted to study medicine but turned it down to take a job so he could look after me and Stephanie. I wish I’d forced him to take it but I was already starting to get sick back then. Of course, I didn’t know what it was. I thought I was just worn out from raising two kids on my own. I wonder if he’ll still be able to follow his dreams. I mean, I won’t be here for much longer and Steph is old enough to look after herself now.”
I gulped. She seemed so resigned to her death.
“He’s never had much of a life. Ever since he was young, he took on the responsibilities of a man but he always made the most of it. Always had a smile on his face. But I think he keeps a lot of things locked inside him.”
She sighed. I understood what she meant. I put the photo back down on the table.
“You’re Lucy, right?”
I nodded. I shuddered to think what Chad had told his mother about me.
She shuffled up in her bed, giving me an intense look and she squeezed my hand tighter.
“Thank you, Lucy.”
Huh? Thank me for what?
“Chad seems to have the light back in his eyes since he met you. For a long time, he got too serious. He’s had so much on his plate. I worry, you know how mothers do…”
I didn’t actually.
I waited for her to continue but she said nothing more until I heard a soft snore. When I took my hand out of hers, I felt like a source of warmth had been taken from me. I tiptoed from the room.
CHAPTER TWENTY ONE
The man’s hand moved down my leg, tracing the line of my thigh. He intended it to be sexy but I wasn’t feeling it. For once in my life, I was NOT in the mood for sex but I had to have this sex. It was the key to my plan.
I pulled him closer, trying to work up some passion in myself but his sloppy technique just annoyed me. Maybe I should’ve had a few drinks to put me in the mood but I wanted to be totally in control for this. I’d dragged him home and planted him on the sofa with my master plan in mind.
Chad had kept up a pretty regular schedule over the last few days and I knew when he’d get home from the hospital. I hadn’t had to work too hard to get someone to come over in the late afternoon but I felt all creepy inside. All this tongue and touching with no fire behind it was gross.
I had ten minutes before Chad got home so I tried to work myself up. I thought about all the hot guys I’d been with before. All the things I liked in bed. But none of that did anything for me. All I could think of was Chad.
Waiting for him to return made my mouth turn sour and my heartbeat, which should’ve been racing with desire, instead thudded with dread.
I wanted to push his hands away from my goosebumped skin and yell at him to leave but I’d started on this and I had to go through with it while I had the guts.
The man’s hand run under my top. I didn’t want to rush things. Shitola, if he went too fast and Chad was a bit late coming home, I’d have done it all for nothing.
The more I thought about him putting it in me, the more my vagina dried up. And I’d never had an issue like that before. Maybe I needed some sexy music. Maybe I needed to watch some porn.
When I moved to get up though, he pulled me back down.
“Where are you going, babe?” he asked.
“Nowhere,” I said and tried to smile. Surely he could figure out I wasn’t that into it. I was kinda repulsed by him. Every time he touched me, I shrunk from his hands, my flesh crawling but I forced myself to smile. He was oblivious to that. Maybe so keen to get some sex that he didn’t even care. That made me feel even worse, a lump of nausea grew in my stomach.
After some more kissing, I wondered how much longer Chad would be. If he just caught us kissing on the couch, it wouldn’t be enough to make this work but the more that man touched me, the less I wanted to go all the way with him.
He grabbed at my t-shirt, trying to pull it off over my head. I moved to help him. Nudity would help the cause here. When he got the top off, I unhooked my bra and moved onto his lap.
He leered.
“That’s more like it, babe. No need to be coy.”
I shuddered.
He grabbed my head and kissed me harder. I resisted the urge to pull away. It didn’t feel like a kiss though, it felt like an invasion on my mouth.
When I heard a car pull into the driveway, I rushed to help him out of his jeans.
“Wow, you’re keen. While you’re down there…”
I slipped his jocks down and his hard cock popped over the waist. The man pushed my head, forcing me down onto it. I hated that. If I wanted to suck his cock, I’d suck it. He shouldn’t try to force me.
I took a deep breath. I should do this. I needed to do it. But, as my lips brushed against his foreskin, that lump of nausea in my stomach rose up to my throat. I couldn’t. Even the smell of him was wrong. Not stinky, just not right. I did not want that cock in my mouth. I had to think of something else. I was gagging before I started.
What had happened to me? I’d never thought twice about going down on a guy before but my whole brain screamed out for me to stop.
Tears welled up in my eyes as I heard the door open.
The man took hold of my hair, jerking his cock up into my mouth. I fought down the heaving from my stomach.
Chad stood in the doorway, the realisation of what he saw sweeping over his face in a wave. My tears fell when the disappointment and disgust hit his eyes.
I wanted to pull away but the man had my head held so tight. I wriggled to get myself free.
“Get out your camera, Chad. Isn’t this the evidence you need?”
Chad stepped closer, but not too close, as though I repelled him. He couldn’t look at me. I tried to laugh, to like I didn’t care but the noise came out brittle, like breaking bones. But he needed evidence.
I clenched my jaw. I needed to be strong. Chad had to have that money and to get it, he needed the photos. I’d need to push him further if that made him act.
I positioned myself in his line of sight, ready for the photo. I tried to make it look as sexy as I could without actually putting that guy’s cock in my mouth.
“Is this okay, Chad? Or would you rather a different angle?”
I lapped out my tongue, running it over the guy’s cockhead, hoping Chad would think my trembling was from desire.
He took out his phone as though it weighed him down and snapped a few photos.
“I can’t believe you’d throw everything away like this,” he said. The heaviness in his words made me want to shrivel up.
But it was him that would be throwing things away.
After he’d taken the photos, he stormed back out the door and I heard his car take off.
The man grabbed for me again. I shoved him away.
“Get out!”
“Huh? What was all that about? I’ve got a big boner here and you need to suck it.”
I put on my t-shirt.
“I don’t need to do anything and if you put that thing near my mouth again, I’ll bite it off.”
He zipped up his jeans.
“You’re fucking crazy,” he said. “I don’t know what you have going on with your boyfriend but don’t get me mixed up in your crazy bitch games again.”
At least he left. I was alone and I crumpled up into a ball on the floor and cried until I could cry no more. I’d done the right thing but that was no comfort.
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
Chad must have come over and packed up his things while I was at school. I got home to an empty apartment. Even though he’d not had much stuff, his absence echoed around the place. The idea that I’d never
come home to bicker with Chad, that he’d never drive me to school, he’d never be there to make snarky little comments about my life was too much for me to handle. I tried to tell myself that it was like a holiday and he’d be back one day but I couldn’t fool myself. He was gone forever.
The next day, I went to the overseas office and told them I wouldn’t be going on the exchange. I worried that Chad would be too stupid to send the photos to my grandmother. He’d work out what I’d done and get on his high horse about it. But I didn’t have to worry about that. I hadn’t heard from my grandmother but when the overseas office woman went in to check stuff, it had been cancelled already.
“You are really on the ball, aren’t you?”
The thought of being on the ball reminded me again of that revolting man. I’d had a lot of sex in my life and looking back, not a lot of it had been mind-blowing. I mean a few times it had been really, really fucking good and it’d all been fun. But nothing compared to that kiss with Chad. Even now the thought of it made my toes curl and my flesh buzz.
The whole deal with my grandmother had been a mistake from the start. I’d wanted things handed to me on a platter but that never worked. I didn’t need that exchange. It wouldn’t give me anything I couldn’t get for myself. I could go for a year or maybe more once I graduated with my own money and my own talent. With no stupid strings attached and no agreements.
Even Rebecca Forsythe had discovered that having everything handed to you got you nowhere. She hadn’t been expelled but she was on probation and she couldn’t get any extra benefits like the exchange. If it had been anyone else, the whole incident probably would’ve flown under the radar but, when you put yourself out there like she did, everyone talks. If it’d been someone else being gossiped about and laughed at, I’d have felt sorry for them. So, it was probably a good thing she was such a mean bitch because I needed all my pity for myself.
After I sorted out all the paperwork, I went home. There was no point going to the studio. Some people might be the sort to be able to channel all their misery and angst into their painting but I wasn’t in the mood. I channelled it into eating junk food and watching trashy movies.
Even that had lost its appeal when I had to do it on my own. I couldn’t concentrate on the TV and even the tasty little cupcakes had lost their flavour. I figured it would be better to just go to bed and lose myself in sleep.
In my dreams, I reached out for Chad and he wasn’t there. Even sleep betrayed me. I woke up and realised with a start that Chad had been right.
I was in love with him.
And my grandmother was right. I was nothing. Not compared with his dying mother.
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
People say helping others makes you feel better about yourself but I found that wasn’t in the slightest bit true. It made me irritable and mean. I’d yelled at Tristan so much he’d almost cried and Jayne was very close to punching me.
“Cheer up,” said Jayne. “You should be glad you don’t have Chad trailing you any more.”
“Idiot, she was in love with him,” said Tristan.
“Shut the fuck up, Tristan. What would you know?”
I hadn’t told either of them the whole story. How could I?
After that, I hadn’t bothered going back to class.
I had settled on the couch for another night of movies and snack food when I heard a knock at the door.
My heart jumped. It was Chad. He’d decided to forgive me and wanted me back. I flew to answer it not even worrying too much about what a slob I looked. This was the moment. The one I’d secretly craved yet hadn’t let myself dream about.
It wasn’t Chad at the door though. My heart sank. It was my mother. Of course, I was happy to see her but she wasn’t Chad.
She came in with an overnight bag, obviously planning to stay for a while.
It took a while to come out with it. First of all, she cleaned up the kitchen then made me dinner. Well, if you can call heating up a can of soup dinner. Mum wasn’t the greatest cook.
I had no idea why she’d turned up. Usually she was too busy to visit. Needy kids needed her.
Finally, she wanted to talk. I didn’t want to talk. I tried to get out of it by going to bed but she pulled me back to the lounge room.
“What’s going on?” she asked.
I couldn’t possibly tell her. I knew she’d understand but I couldn’t get the words out.
“Your grandmother rang me in a rage, telling me that I’d raised you without any morals or standards. It was quite an exhausting conversation. I have no idea what went on but she was really upset.”
That made me sit up with a start. That Grandmother had even called Mum was a shock. The only times I’d known them to talk was to arrange my time staying with Grandmother. I hung my head to avoid speaking but, when I looked up, Mum’s eyes burnt into me. She wasn’t going to let it go. She had years of experience dealing with far harder shells to crack than mine.
I’d assumed she was visiting for work or something, not because of me.
Soon, the whole story about the arrangement and Chad came flooding out of me. I didn’t look at her and I didn’t stop talking. The flow of words had been bottled up inside me and spewed out in a rush.
When I finished, Mum got up and made us cups of tea. She didn’t talk and she didn’t judge.
I sat there, processing what I’d said. I’d made mistakes, I’d made huge mistakes.
“What would you have done, Mum?”
She handed me the cup and sat down.
“You were put in a difficult position, Lucy. I’m not saying that you did right but you did it for the right reasons. That poor woman and that poor Chad. It must have been awful for him.”
“Grandmother is a bitch. You know that. She could’ve helped him without all this but she chose not to. I never want to see her again.”
And I realised I never had to see her again. I was an adult, free from any obligation. I didn’t need her money and I didn’t need her help. I’d never have to go back to that miserable house or smile at her nasty jeers. I was free.
For the first time since Chad left, my heart lightened a little. If Mum felt bad for her, she could waste her own time visiting.
“She thinks she’s doing the right thing. At least she gave him an opportunity to get the money. That’s more than most people would do.”
Typical Mum, always seeing the best in people. I didn’t want to see the best in Grandmother. I wanted to hate her and blame her for everything.
“You also did the right thing not taking her money. I’m sorry, Lucy. Maybe your father and I have been selfish. We have tried to help everyone else but forgot to help you.”
I gulped. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want her being nice to me because that would be the worst. All the feels would be too much for me.
“What can I do?” I asked, hoping she’d have some magic solution to fix this.
She shook her head.
“I don’t know what you can do. Have you talked to Chad?”
“How can I? How could I explain all this?”
I hugged a cushion to me. I needed something to hold on to.
“Maybe he’d understand. He must care for you or he’d have not been so upset by what happened.”
I wasn’t so sure about that and, if he had cared for me once, that had obviously disappeared now. If I put myself out there for him, he’d just push me away. What else would he do?
“I don’t even know how to contact him. If I call him, he won’t answer his phone. And if I tell him, he wouldn’t want to accept the money.”
“You just have to trust in fate, Lucy. If it’s meant to be, it will work out.”
That was easy for her to say. She hadn’t just ruined her life. Fate sucked donkey’s balls.
“Do you want to go on the exchange. Lucy? Because if you want to, we can help you. You can ask us for help, you know. I mean, we don’t have the buckets of money to throw at you like your grandmother but
we do have some money set aside. If it is really your dream to go, then we can make it happen.”
She smiled at me and a little bit of the misery lightened. I got up and hugged her. Sometimes I forgot how awesome she and Dad could be.
“When I found out I’d been selected for the exchange, I was so happy. Who wouldn’t be? It was an honour to be picked. But it wasn’t really my prize to win. I always felt like it was rightfully Jayne’s. Then I got caught up in this whole stupid rivalry with a stupid girl. I wanted to go just so she couldn’t. But now it doesn’t really mean that much to me. Sure, it’d be tops to go but I’d also miss out on so much. I want to enjoy these years with my friends and learn all I can here. I don’t want to disrupt my life. If I do end up going to Italy or anywhere else, I’ll go after I finish my studies.”
I’d actually thought about it for my honours year or post-grad.
She pushed a strand of hair back behind my ear.
“You’re really grown up a lot lately, sweetie. But don’t get too independent. I still want to be your mother for a while longer.”
I grinned. I think Mum overestimated her mothering abilities but that was okay.
The next day, I went back to school. I wanted to at least get my crap ceramics pieces ready for assessment so I didn’t have to think about them again. I’d never have to set foot in that smelly pottery room again.
We had to submit our best five pieces for the assessment. I hoped the work I’d done on glazing would disguise their shonkiness.
“I’m so going to fail,” I moaned.
“Hardly,” Jayne replied.
“Well, yeah, I should pass but it’ll be a lousy mark.” I held up one of the bowls I’d made. It was definitely more bulgy on one side than the other…
Jayne laughed.
“You’ve got time to make something else and have it fired.”
“I guess. But I’m not going to.”
Then she got a message to go to the office. I didn’t think too much of it. People got dragged out of class all the time, usually for stupid things like their car was parked in the wrong place and they had to move it.
Hands Off! The 100 Day Agreement Page 14
