by Tanya Bird
Shame tore through him, the memory of her falling and the dagger next to her so vivid. ‘Today, I… I’m sorry.’ Nothing he could say would be enough.
She drew a shaky breath, stepped right, left, then stopped. ‘Why did you not object?’
He shook his head, confused. ‘Object to what?’ He tried to read her, figure out what she needed from him.
‘To Manius.’ She resumed pacing, holding her hips for balance. ‘To the wedding, to everything.’
He crossed his arms. ‘It wasn’t my place to object.’
‘Was it not?’ She turned to him, a plea in her eyes.
Honesty. That was what she needed from him in that moment.
‘Do we not watch out for one another?’ she continued. ‘You think him some sort of monster, yet you say nothing.’
Her voice cracked and he took a step towards her, careful not to scare her away.
‘I don’t get to pick your husband. Your father does, remember?’ How he kept his voice so calm and even, he had no idea.
‘So you admit you hate him, and yet you said nothing.’ She pressed a palm to her forehead. ‘Actually, not true. You said congratulations.’
He lifted his shoulders in an exasperated shrug. ‘If I’d pissed on your parade, I would have been the worst person in the world.’ He never swore in front of her, and he could tell she was taken aback by it.
‘Tell me honestly.’ Her voice was quieter now. ‘Why do you hate him?’
He thought for a moment. ‘He’s a wealthy fool who’s had everything handed to him, and still he wants more. Losing that race would’ve been inconsequential for someone like him.’
She stared at him. ‘I might be new to the circus, but I thought the point was to win.’
There was that famous sarcasm. ‘The best man on the day wins. It can’t always be him.’
She threw her hands up. ‘So you hate him because he wins all the time. You are jealous, is that it?’
Yes, he was jealous, but admitting that aloud would only make him look ridiculous. ‘He ran his chariot into Amator. He’s the reason this stall is empty, and the two next to it,’ he added, pointing behind her. ‘All because of his ego.’ He paused. ‘And I don’t think he’s capable of loving you the way you deserve.’
Her shoulders fell. ‘And yet you say nothing when I tell you he will be my husband.’
They were going round in circles.
‘No one asked me what I wanted,’ she said, her voice barely above a whisper. ‘Not Manius, not Rufus. Not even my own mother. They all just assumed, because what smart woman does not want a wealthy husband?’
He did not reply, just waited for her to finish.
‘Marriage is what women my age do. When an offer is made, you consider it. When a very good offer is made, you accept it.’
‘That what your mother told you?’
She blinked, her lip trembling as she turned away. ‘I thought…’
She was visibly struggling to get the words out, so he took another step towards her, so close he could feel the heat from her body.
‘You thought what?’ The volume of his voice matched hers.
‘I thought you might offer.’
For a moment he was not sure what she meant. Offer what? Whatever he had was hers if she wanted it. Then his arms fell to his sides. ‘To marry you?’
She said nothing, but eventually nodded, her eyes on the wall.
Gods, he wanted to touch her in that moment. She looked so vulnerable, and his need to reassure her was overwhelming. He would ask for her hand if he thought he stood a chance, if he thought he was even halfway good enough. ‘Who would have said yes if I had? Not your father. Not your mother.’
She turned to look at him, swallowing before she spoke. ‘I would have. I would have said yes in a heartbeat.’
The confession winded him. It was not the revelation of feelings, but rather that he had not realised the depth of them. There was a throaty edge to her voice that made heat pool in his stomach.
An embarrassed laugh escaped her. ‘Was it just me? All this time? This feeling of lightness, the hum in my bones?’ She waited for him to speak, and when he did not, her hands went over her face. ‘This is so humiliating.’ She turned to leave, but he caught her arm. Stilling, she kept her eyes on the door.
He knew whatever came out of his mouth next would ruin them both. No good would come of his confession, but it was too late for lies. He could not have her believe she was alone in this. ‘I felt it too.’ His voice was low and deep. ‘All of it. I felt it then and now.’
She found the courage to look up at him.
‘I keep waiting for it to ease,’ he continued, ‘to let go of me. Just enough to build a life without you.’ His hand went to her face, fingers brushing her cheek and jaw. Her skin was like silk beneath them. ‘But it doesn’t go away.’ His hand moved down her neck, following the shape of her hair that fell down one shoulder. She was exquisite, and she did not belong to him.
Tilting her head up, she said, ‘For a moment, I thought I was crazy.’
His hand slid up her arm, stopping on the back of her shoulder. ‘You’re not crazy.’
‘And now it is too late,’ she breathed.
He shook his head. ‘I never had a chance with you.’
Before he realised what was happening, she pushed herself up onto her toes and pressed her mouth to his. There was nothing timid about the action. It was not the soft kiss he had imagined so many times. There was no reluctance, no awkwardness, just sheer heat that fuelled the fire inside him. Her hands slid up his neck, and she pulled herself up, lips parting. Hips brushed his, igniting all of him.
Gone was that shy girl he knew, replaced with this woman who was a lot for him in that moment. He could not think through the sensation, the scent of her, the intoxicating taste of her open mouth. His hands slid to the middle of her back, fingers splayed and palms pressing her closer until everything else faded.
He had kissed women before, but not like this. Never had his body reacted so entirely to anything in his life. He was certain the slightest shift of her hips would finish him.
A cough sounded from somewhere, and Dulcia pulled away with a small gasp. Two uniformed men stood in the doorway. A stern-faced Nerva glared at him. Beside him stood Marcus, a member of his cavalry unit. He smiled wryly, shaking his head.
Yes, it was extraordinarily unlucky timing.
Nero let go of Dulcia, who had paled at the sight of her brother. He had really done it this time.
Nerva looked between them, not saying anything for a moment.
‘This…’ Dulcia began. ‘I know how this looks.’
‘Well, I guess this explains today’s fallout with Manius.’ He looked at Nero. ‘Not about the horses, then?’
Nero drew a breath, but before he could respond, Nerva turned to Marcus and said, ‘Take my sister outside. I need to speak with Nero—alone.’
Chapter 14
They sat in their usual spot on the steps of the temple, watching the street. A honey cake lay wrapped on Dulcia’s lap, an offering for Vesta. She had needed an excuse to get out of the house. It had never felt so claustrophobic. There were only so many disapproving glances from Nerva she could stomach.
‘What did your sister say on the subject?’ Licinia asked, squinting against the sun.
Every day was warmer than the last. Soon it would be too hot to sit on the steps.
‘About which part? The kiss? Or Nero losing his job?’
Nerva had taken her straight to Mila’s apartment, seemingly so he could lecture her in front of an audience. Everything was a mess—and it was all her fault.
Licinia glanced sideways at her. ‘Both.’
Dulcia shooed some flies away from the cake. ‘Mila spent the entire time pleading with Nerva to keep Nero on. He loves that job, and he will be lost without it.’
‘Perhaps he could find employment at another stable.’
News travelled fast in the city, and if
people had not already heard about the fight with Manius, one look at the wealthy man’s colourful face would set tongues wagging.
He had been furious when they had left the Trigarium, his ego in tatters. Manius had barely uttered a word as he put her in the litter and sent her home. She had not been invited to dine with him that evening.
Licinia glanced at her when she did not reply. ‘Do you suppose he would have lost his job if Nerva had shown up and found the two of you talking instead of…’ The conversation was not entirely appropriate for someone of her status.
‘He attacked a charioteer off the track, a charioteer who also happens to be my betrothed. Nerva cannot have men in his employment who go around punching charioteers in the face.’
The smallest of smiles from Licinia, her eyes going to the honey cake. ‘That is quite an offering for Vesta.’
‘Well,’ Dulcia sighed, ‘in case you have not noticed, I am making some rather large mistakes of late. I need all the favour from the gods I can get.’
‘A bribe cake, then?’
Dulcia suppressed a smile, her cheeks flushing. ‘I would have brought a much larger cake if it were.’
Licinia bowed her head at a group of passing men. ‘We all learn lessons in our own time. The important thing is you learn.’
Dulcia played with the corner of the wax paper for a moment. ‘I love him. Nero, that is.’
‘I know.’ Licinia did not look at her.
‘And he loves me too. But I suspect you knew that also.’
A smile came to and immediately left Licinia’s face. ‘What are you going to do?’
She was silent a moment. ‘I am engaged to Manius.’
‘Yes.’
‘If I stray from that arrangement, I will both embarrass and shame my family, and Manius’s for that matter.’
‘Yes.’ Licinia glanced across at her. ‘Some people would be very upset with you.’
‘Exactly.’
‘But there is also a chance you might get to marry the man you love.’ The words sat between them for a moment. ‘Engagements are broken all the time, but once married, no amount of honey cakes will appease Vesta if you stray.’
Dulcia had to look away. ‘If I refuse to marry Manius, there is every chance Rufus will banish me from the house.’
Licinia regarded her suspiciously for a moment.
‘What?’ Dulcia asked, growing self-conscious.
‘You still cannot call him Father. Even now.’
Dulcia stretched her neck to one side, hoping to ease some of the tension she had held for weeks. ‘I called the man erus for the first twelve years of my life. Father is a big leap from master.’ She straightened the cake on her lap. ‘I feel like he sees me now. For the first time in my life, I am visible.’ She paused. ‘When I was young, it was all I wanted.’
‘A father?’
Dulcia shook her head. ‘Not just any father. Nerva’s father, Rufus Papias, the man with the same eye colour as me, the same mouth. He is quiet, you know—like me. That is something I have noticed over the years.’ She waved a hand over the cake once more, and flies took off. ‘Then the moment it happens, I jeopardise everything.’
‘It does seem that way,’ Licinia agreed.
A small laugh escaped Dulcia. ‘You did not need to agree quite so quickly.’
‘Would you prefer me to lie?’
Dulcia’s cheeks heated. ‘Of course not.’
An old man hobbled past. He held a stick for balance, and a dog with a half-chewed ear followed at his heel.
‘I should go,’ Dulcia said, standing. Licinia stood also. ‘I promised my sister I would take care of the twins while she runs errands.’ She handed the priestess the cake. ‘My bribe.’
Licinia gave a tight smile and touched a hand to Dulcia’s arm. ‘May Vesta watch over you.’
‘I will be back as soon as I can,’ Mila said, grabbing her basket and gesturing for her daughter to follow. Asha’s golden hair was brushed out, reaching all the way to the middle of her back. She looked excited at the prospect of time alone with her mother.
Dulcia could not resist pulling her in for a hug as she passed. ‘Enjoy the peace,’ she whispered, planting a kiss on her niece’s rosy cheek.
Asha smiled up at her. ‘Don’t tell the boys, but we are going to watch the gladiators train at Ludus Magnus.’
Dulcia straightened and looked over at Mila, who had heard the exchange. ‘I thought you were running errands.’
‘We are.’ Mila gestured for her daughter to come to her. ‘One of those errands is ensuring Asha can defend herself if the need ever arises.’
Dulcia crossed her arms in front of her. ‘Here I was thinking you were going to get your daughter some new clothes or something.’
‘She has clothes. Now she just needs a pretty dagger to go with them.’
Dulcia was not amused. ‘And does Remus know his daughter is hanging around gladiators?’
Mila tilted her head. ‘Take a moment to consider how ridiculous that statement is.’
Fair point. Every person living in the apartment had fought in an arena at some stage. ‘I give up.’ She hesitated. ‘Before you go, who shall I expect home this afternoon?’
The possibility of running into Nero was equal parts exciting and terrifying. She had no idea how it would be between them given what had happened the night prior. She had practically thrown herself at him. Her hands grew clammy at the memory, as if his body were still pressed to hers, heating every inch of her. She needed to lock such thoughts from her mind before she got them both into more trouble.
‘If you are wanting to know where Nero is,’ Mila said, a knowing look on her face, ‘he is working with Remus. We thought it best to keep him busy.’
Dulcia nodded and looked around the room. ‘How did he seem this morning?’ What answer was she hoping for?
Mila shook her head as she thought, a worried expression on her face. ‘Quiet.’ She sighed. ‘If you intend to marry Manius, then I think it best you give him space for a while. We underestimated his feelings for you.’
Dulcia knew something about that. ‘If I intend to marry Manius? You make it sound like I have a choice.’
Mila ushered Asha through the door, then turned to look at her properly. ‘There is always a choice. Each with its own consequences.’
Dulcia felt her throat closing. ‘I think I have really messed up.’
Mila leaned on the door for a moment, her expression softening. ‘I wish I could tell you what to do, but I cannot. Walking away from Manius, defying Rufus—’ She broke off for a moment. ‘I cannot predict how that will end for you.’
There Dulcia was in her nineteenth year, still hoping her sister would have all the answers.
‘I will say this,’ Mila continued, ‘Manius’s pride has already taken a knock. If you try to end things with him, he will lash out.’
‘So I am to consider pride in all this?’
Mila nodded. ‘Manius believes he is handing you the world. If you tell him “no thanks”, then take up with Nero, a man with no status or wealth—even employment, for that matter—you had better be prepared for retaliation.’
She understood then. ‘You are afraid for Nero.’
Mila glanced at the twins playing on the floor. ‘If you embarrass that man, he is not going to go after Senator Rufus Papias’s daughter. He has his future to consider. He will go after the people you love, the people who don’t matter in his world.’
A shudder passed through Dulcia. Manius did not seem the vindictive type, but what did she know?
The smell of simmering lentils wafted through the open door. Mila sniffed the air, then shook her head. ‘Now the entire building smells of soup. Why does that woman not cook outside like the rest of us?’
Dulcia smiled. ‘At least it smells enticing.’
‘Today it does. Yesterday the apartment stank of boiled offal.’ Mila gave the boys a stern look as they leapt off the floor and began running circles around Dulc
ia. ‘Behave, or I swear to the gods, your father will hear all about it.’
The boys immediately stopped running, holding in their giggles as they looked at one another, seeing who would crack first.
‘Mila,’ Dulcia called as she turned to leave. Her sister looked back, waiting. ‘I cannot win either way, can I? I marry Manius and break my own heart, and Nero’s, or refuse and place a target on his back.’
Her sister rested her head against the edge of the door for a moment. ‘Nero has already done that himself. Manius Liberia knows his outburst yesterday did not stem from the death of one horse.’
Dulcia let her sister’s words sink in. ‘But everyone knows he loved that stallion.’
Mila pushed off the door. ‘Perhaps that is why Manius did it.’
‘It was not intentional. It was an accident.’
Mila tilted her head, like she should know better. ‘I have to go. Hopefully the boys sleep for you.’
They had already resumed running circles around Dulcia.
‘They do not seem overly tired.’
‘Stop running,’ Mila pleaded, then looked back at Dulcia. ‘They have already broken everything of value in this room. Good luck.’ She disappeared through the door, pulling it closed behind her.
Dulcia bent and tried to catch the boys. ‘You want to run? Let us go outside, then. Where is your ball?’
Both boys took off in an excited flurry to look for it. Time with her nephews was always the perfect excuse for Dulcia to release the child within.
They kicked the ball in the courtyard, and when it got too hot, they played Rota to cool off. It did not take long for the twins to grow bored, so they went downstairs once more for some skipping games.
‘Let’s hunt insects!’ Atilius cried. They had stopped to rest for a moment, falling to the ground, panting.
It was mid-afternoon when they returned to the apartment with their collection of cicadas and scarab beetles. Dulcia set the pot of insects on the balcony.
‘We will release them after we eat.’ She knew they had a habit of holding on to them until they eventually died and wanted to spare the insects the torment of a slow death at the hands of eager, inquisitive boys.
