Pascal didn’t come back to the apartment that night, and I haven’t seen him since. I did ask about him yesterday and Alex just said, “He’ll be back when he’s back.” I’m not sure what that means if I’m honest, but for once, I didn’t question it. Whatever this thing is between us all, I’m sure Pascal will flit in and out of it as he sees fit, or as and when Alex sees fit, I suppose.
“Hey,” I call as I walk in the door. I’m greeted with a very relaxed looking Conner sprawled out on the sofa, smiling at me.
“Beth,” he says in reply and continues nodding his head. Oh, he’s got earphones in, clearly listening to music.
“Belle, where are you?” I ask as I head to her bedroom and find her furiously throwing things in a suitcase. “Oh, are you going somewhere?”
“Yes, his place, under bloody duress,” she snaps.
“Umm... problem?”
“Apparently, I’m his fiancée, and I should be living at his, immediately, and if I don’t then he’ll sell this building and we’ll be homeless. I mean, what the fuck is that? Fucking arsehole... At what point did he buy the building we live in? Fucking stalker.”
“Oh…” It’s all I’ve got really. Besides, given that I’m about to tell her I’m moving into Alex’s, none of it really matters, does it? And she is actually going to marry him, I think.
“Oh?” she shouts. “Fucking oh? What’s that supposed to mean? Jesus, Beth, have some balls. Go out there and tell him he can’t do this. It’s just fucking rude,” she shouts again, pointing at the door and flicking her finger at it.
“Do you want to move in with him?” I reply quietly as I pick up a discarded purple shoe and place it on the bed, reverently.
“Well, yes, but that’s not the sodding point, is it? I would like to have made up my own mind about that fact, you know, kept an air of mystery about it somehow.” I giggle at her in response and sit net to the shoe as she starts throwing things in the suitcase again.
“I’m moving in with Alex tomorrow.”
“Oh,” she says, her hand stilling as she looks up at me. “Are you sure? I mean, you know I’m okay with that if you are, sort of, but are you going to be okay with him? I’m... Well, he’s... You know.” I smile at her and think of the things he is: beautiful, difficult, hard work, and confusing, but mostly just mine, and I need him in a way I can’t possibly explain to her.
“I’ll be fine. It’s what I want. He’s what I want. Do you think Teresa would like the apartment?”
“Might do. I’m still considering burning the building down at the moment, though.”
“Do you think you could wait till the removal men gets here in the morning then? I have no idea what to take, though. His house is fully kitted out already.”
“Well, Teresa’s stuff is shit. You know her mum made her buy it all from charity shops. Apparently it was good for her to understand how to earn the good stuff in life,” she replies as she flings things from the wardrobe towards a different suitcase. “Maybe we should just leave it all here for her, apart from personal things, obviously.” I nod at her and wander back out into the lounge to find Conner still in the same position. He pulls his headphones out of his ears and follows me over to the kitchen, looking decidedly hot in his casual rock god look, now sporting yellow tips on his hair.
“You okay?” he asks quietly, very un-Conner like. I push the buttons on the coffee machine and look back at him for clarification on his strange question. “With everything… Are you okay with everything that’s going on?”
“Of course I’m okay that Belle’s moving in with you. It’s wonderful, and I’m very-”
“I didn’t mean that, Beth. I meant you, Alex and the green-eyed goblin.” My burst of laughter is out before I can stop it.
“Green-eyed goblin?” He has to mean Pascal.
“You know who I mean. I didn’t think Alex would introduce you to that. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay with it all, comfortable. I’m not being funny, Beth, but I never would have expected you to be so...”
“Up for it? Ready to fuck the world?” His head shoots back at my liberal outburst. “I’m a big girl, Conner. This is all my choice. I told him I’d accept it if he would, if it’s that important to him. As and when he actually gets to grip with being in love with a man, too, I’m sure we’ll be fine.”
“My sister the slut.” Belle’s voice comes around the corner. “Always knew she had it in her.”
“I am not a slut.”
“You so are. I’m not the one fucking two men, am I?” she asks as she comes over and stands between us, grabbing another cup. Conner blinks at both of us.
“It’s not possible that I’m hearing this conversation,” he says.
“You started it,” I say back to him.
“I was just trying to find out if-”
“What’s two like anyway? I’ve never screwed two at the same time. And while we’re at it, why have you never put handcuffs on me? I’m feeling left out,” she says, turning back to Conner.
“Babe, if you want that then I’m all over it.” She laughs. Conner frowns. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think I can’t do handcuffs?”
“With blue hair?” she asks, still laughing. “I’m sorry, but while your fucking is tremendous, I’m just not feeling kink king of the world going on.” He scowls at her and swipes some cups off the top of the counter in an instant rage of some sort, sending them flying across the room. “What the hell are you-”
“You want me to leave you with Alex for an hour or so instead? Call the fucking goblin for you, too?” The room is utterly silent as we both stare at him in surprise.
“Conner, I’m not sure what’s going on, but we were only joking,” I say quietly to try and ease the tension as they stare each other down. Belle now has her hands on her hips, and she’s directing her most furious glare at him. He’s returning it with equal vigour. Seems he has got a temper, just as she said.
“Fuck off,” she eventually spits at him.
“Get your damn bags,” he replies immediately. She just keeps staring, then eventually storms off into the bedroom and slams the door behind her, leaving me face to face with a very irritated Conner. The sudden memory of Alex sleeping with that woman of his pops into my head, and I wonder if that’s what’s got him so riled. I turn back to the coffee machine and carry on making it as I listen to him huff and puff behind me. Scraping sounds start and I peek back to see him picking up the broken cups and walking towards the bin with a slightly calmer looking face.
“Did he apologise for sleeping with Caroline?” I eventually ask, quietly. I never did find out, and if I can help him by talking it through then I will, no matter how pissed I might be at his little outburst. Conner stops and looks over at me in shock.
“Yes,” he replies with a curl of his lip, turning back to the bin, clearly not happy to discuss any more than that.
“Is that what that was all about?”
“Yeah, sort of.”
“You want to talk about it?”
“No,” he replies, turning back towards me with a harder face. I narrow my eyes as feisty Beth works her way through me, ready to attack. Fucking men and their ridiculous mood swings, as if I don’t have two to deal with already.
“Can you go and apologise to my sister then? Because seriously, blackmailing her out of her home and then having a fucking shit fit about nothing is not cool, and if you act like that to her again in front of me, I’ll cut your fucking balls off with the knife in my bag,” I spit out. He scowls and I watch the sneer of his lip as he takes a step towards me. Fuck him. Temper tantrums are not what I expect from him, and my feisty Beth kicks in with a vengeance. My hands find my hips as I glare at him in return and will him to try again. I can handle Alex in rage, and Pascal, and whip wielding maniac women. Conner’s like a puppy dog sucking a lollipop to me.
“What the hell was that?”
“You heard. You think I’ll put up with you doing that to her? You
need to grow up and act like a man. She loves you, Conner. Stop being a dick or you’ll lose her, and it will be all on you this time. Take a fucking look in the mirror and engage brain mode, will you?”
He just stands there and looks at me, all anger and resentment seemingly gone, as he suddenly turns and wanders across to the bedroom.
“You’re going to be fine with him, aren’t you?” he says, chuckling and shaking his head.
“What?” I have no idea what he means. I glare at his back, trying not to show any confusion and prove I’m in complete control of the moment.
“You just keep doing that and you’ll be fine. I don’t know why I was so worried,” he says as he twists the door handle and walks in to Belle, closing the door behind him.
Several crashes take place in the next ten minutes, followed and encouraged by an enormous amount of screaming and shouting from the room, none of which comes from Conner, thankfully. I sip at my coffee and listen to it to make sure his temper doesn’t include any sort of physicality. After a while, the noise dies down so I wander through to my bedroom to start the task of packing my things up.
The bedroom feels cold to me as I stand in the doorway and try to remember the last time I was here. It seems so long since I’ve spent any time in my own home, and the funny thing is, I don’t care. I feel so close to Alex at the moment that I can’t even begin to process the thought of not waking up with him, being with him, and spending the rest of my life with him. He’s everything to me, and quite strangely, being with Pascal, too seems to have heightened that somehow, made the connection stronger, not weaker. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because it’s something so personal, a feeling just for the three of us. It suddenly strikes me that Alex purposely kept me away from having any real closeness with Pascal. He made me look at him, with Pascal behind me, and then held me to him and refused to let Pascal anywhere near me. Is he really jealous? How can a man be jealous of what he’s asking for? Very random. I need to talk about that with him because I need that closeness with Pascal, too. If this is going to carry on, I need to know that it’s okay for me to have cuddles, kiss him, hold him if that’s what he wants. Does he? He is Pascal after all.
I shake my head at yet another confusing thing to deal with and cross the room to grab some suitcases. Having pottered about a bit, I realise that there really isn’t that much here. Clothes and books, make up and hair stuff, none of which I need because there’s three times the amount at Alex’s already. I sit on the bed and pull out the old photo albums from beneath it. There’s years of memories carefully placed together to tell our family story. There are pictures of Mum and of Dad dancing, Belle growing up, me looking stupid in varying shots as I try to look like Belle and act all grown up. There’s both of us with our lanky legs and stupid faces as we laughed or giggled, shots of holidays on the coast and one where Belle decided to give me candyfloss hair. I can remember Mum pulling it out and still feel pinch every time another sticky bit was stuck in too awkwardly. Then there’s a shot of me on my first day at high school, wearing an astoundingly drab uniform at the school gates as Dad hovers off to the side. In comparison to Belle beside me, I look a mess, tired, dull, admitting defeat even back then. Her blazer and long socks of St. Peters, as she smiles brightly, seem to highlight every difference in us, as I look miserable next to her. Seems I was already feeling useless compared to her even back then. Not any more though. Whatever that was, it has gone.
I snap the book closed and look at the doorway to see if I can hear anything from her room. There’s nothing but silence so I carry on chucking things into boxes until there’s barely anything left. There’s my life without Alex: two suitcases and six randomly packed boxes, pretty much nothing really. What the hell have I been doing for the last ten years? Hiding, clearly. Belle was so right when she told me to get out there more and sort my shit out. Whether I’ll ever sort my shit out entirely is another thing, but look at who I am now. I’m stronger, wiser, fitter, more... More what? Just better than I was before is what I am, more who I should be. More who I need to be.
The click of the door has me spinning to see Belle coming down the corridor at me while Conner takes some bags the other way.
“You okay?” I ask as she comes in.
“Yeah, sorry about that. He just drives me mad sometimes.” Not surprising given the twat behaviour. I turn back to my room and stare at the mess.
“That’s me. That’s all there is, or was,” I say, pointing at the boxes and stuff stacked on the bed, now for some reason trying to hold back a sob that’s threatening to erupt. She wraps her arm around my waist and hugs me into her.
“That’s nothing but old memories and a different person, honey. You are so much stronger than you were then. You’re going to be fine. You do know that, don’t you? You’ve got this. You can be whoever you want to be now.” I flick my eyes back to her and fold. I don’t know why, but the tears that begin don’t stop. They just keep coming at me from every direction. I try to stop them, but as she pulls me closer and starts to stroke my hair, they just get worse. I’m scared, worried and nervous. More thoughts of him with another woman plague my mind, him killing people, him being part of this underground world, all the fucking money and what that means. Drivers, planes, housekeepers, his family, childhood, father – it all comes together and I slowly realise it’s everything attacking me, every fear, thought, worry, concern. Will it work? Will he be good for me? Can I trust him? It’s all there, assaulting me and reminding me how hard it is to love him, to help him, and how damn easy it is to need him.
I eventually find the wherewithal to sniff back my ridiculous tears and straighten my body away from her. I will not let this consume me. I love him. I’m moving in with him because I love him. I need to get over this stupidness and sort myself out. Why this is hitting me all of a sudden I do not know.
“It’s okay to be scared,” she says. “I’m shitting bricks and you know how good I am at not giving a shit.” I giggle at the thought as she smiles in return and straightens her dress out. “Into the valley of the shadow of death and all that, huh?”
“Rode the brave two? There’s a few hundred missing there to protect us, don’t you think?” She sighs a little then pulls a lipstick out from God knows where, and re-applies.
“I like this,” she says, plucking out a picture of the two of us at some event we did. I’m covered in flour or some other foodstuff and she’s got a hairnet on, looking decidedly messy for Belle. “It reminds me of being kids, the fun times. Can I have it?” I check my watch and realise Andrews will be here in ten minutes so pick up my bag and head out the doorway.
“I thought you hated that. You always said you looked stupid in it.”
“I do,” she says, catching up with me. “But that’s the way I like to remember us, me being stupid. I’m not quite the bitch I appear to be all the time.”
“I could question that,” Conner says as he stands by the counter. She smirks at him and flings a coaster at his head, which he dodges efficiently with a grin.
“You two alright then?” I ask as I peer down at the street below. The Bentley is already there waiting for me, as per bloody usual. I roll my eyes at it and consider the fact that I might need to have it out with Michael, otherwise I’ll be forever needing to smack him or something, and I did quite like him to begin with.
“Fine,” they both reply in unison, smiling at each other. Could they be any more in love? “We’re going. Are you okay to lock up?” Belle finishes.
“I’ll come down with you. The dick is waiting for me.”
“Dick?” Conner asks
“Michael. Andrews.”
“The man’s a legend, and one of the most efficient men I’ve ever known. Alex has a lot to thank him for, and if you ever need protecting, he’s the man for the job. You might want to be a little nicer to him, Beth. You never know when you might need him.”
We all make our way down to the foyer and I’m greeted with none other than the man
himself holding the door open for me.
“I’ll see you both tomorrow for New Year then, yes?” I ask as they walk toward another waiting car. Belle nods in reply as Conner hands a case over to a man I’ve never seen before, presumably his driver. “Take care, honey. Love you,” I call out.
“You too,” she replies, sliding into the car and waving. I watch until the car pulls out into traffic and then turn and look at Michael to find him smiling warmly. My finger is in his face quicker than my brain can keep up with.
“I hate what you did to me on that plane, and if you ever manhandle me again, I’ll have you charged with assault. I have a fucking right to make up my own mind.” He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t move, nothing.
“Yes, ma’am,” he says, his warm smile disappearing from his face. I scramble into the back of the car in irritation and frown at the back of his bald head as he gets in the front. “And don’t call me ma’am,” I snap again. Arsehole. Although I do feel better for saying my piece.
The silence continues as we weave our way through the London traffic. I’d love to think he was uncomfortable with it, but he’s probably not. Not nearly as much as I am, anyway. I may hate what he did, but I hate this discord even more. Why can’t the world just get on? Love, live, enjoy and be happy, for God’s sake. Why is there always so much in the background to cloud things and make them difficult? I just want some normality, some peace. I want to run my business and enjoy living, not worry about all the things that continue making life complicated.
“Has he told you everything?” Michael says as we turn into Mayfair.
“What?” I snap, although I can feel my heart warming to the man again.
Absorbing White Page 43
