by Cathy Glass
Swearing is different and should be sanctioned. If certain expletives were unacceptable in your house when your child was little, then they are still unacceptable now your child is a teen. And obviously you can’t go around f—ing and blinding yourself and expect your teen not to.
Purposely dropping letters from words, such as ‘t’ from party, or mispronouncing words – ‘ain’t’ (haven’t), ‘gonna’ (going to) or ‘fink’/’fought’ (think/thought), in imitation of the in-vogue East-End London accent, is irritating but will not do any lasting damage. It’s surprising just how nicely teens can speak when they want to impress – listen to them talking to their grandparents or the parents of their friends. If your teen knows you like correct pronunciation, then corrupting language is an easy statement in their rebelling and redefining process. Ignore what you can and correct what you can’t.
Image
Appearance – i.e. clothes, hairstyles and make-up (mainly with girls) – makes another statement about how a pre-teen or early teen wants to be defined. Obviously, within certain perimeters, experimentation is essential, but clearly there needs to be boundaries – a blue Mohican hair cut on a fourteen-year-old boy is likely to get him into trouble at school, and wearing a hoodie will be interpreted by many adults to mean that he is a thug and mugger. Girls tend to need more advice and direction at this age than boys, as there is more potential for them to portray an image that sends the wrong message, resulting in unwelcome attention. By the age of thirteen most girls will have developed breasts and hips, and it is not in their best interest to flaunt them in public with a very low-cut or tightly fitting T-shirt, or too short a skirt. Don’t be afraid to stop your daughter wearing clothes that are inappropriate (i.e. overtly sexual) or too much make-up. Guidelines put in place now will stand your daughter in good stead for choices she will make about her appearance in the future. Boys at this age don’t have the same worry of inappropriately flaunting their sexuality (apart from low-crutch jeans), and with many boys’ mothers buying their clothes well into their teens they are less likely to be faced with the same decisions.
Unwelcome habits
Your pre-teen or early teen is likely to develop many unwelcome habits – slouching against things, chewing gum, feet on the coffee table, nail clippings in the bath, music too loud, laundry dropped on the floor, muddy footprints in the hall, etc. – which, although not a huge problem individually, can cause irritation in the parent that builds up and explodes into a scene. Address what is unacceptable to you and your house rules, and ignore what you can live with. You can’t tackle all your teen’s bad habits; otherwise you will be seen as continually nagging, resulting in you feeling grumpy and your young teen ignoring all your requests, having consigned them to your ‘bad mood’.
If it is unacceptable for Tom to rest his feet on the coffee table (which it would be in my house), then Request him to put his feet down – ‘Tom, take your feet off the coffee table, please. We put food on there.’ Repeat your Request if necessary and then Reaffirm with the warning of an appropriate sanction – ‘Tom, if you continue to put your feet on the coffee table, I will be stopping your allowance to buy a new one.’
Likewise if when you go to have your bath after Claire has had hers, you find a scum mark, or nail or hair clippings unappealingly decorating the white porcelain, then Request Claire to clean the bath. Allow her a reasonable time – twenty minutes – to do it, as teens tend not to act immediately, especially if the task is not something they relish. Repeat your Request if it has not been done at the end of the time – ‘Claire, come and clear out the mess in the bath, now please. I am waiting to use it.’ If you have been using the 3Rs since Claire was small, then she is likely to do as you have asked, aware you mean what you say. If Claire isn’t used to responding to your Request, then Repeat, and Reaffirm, pointing out the sanction if necessary – ‘Claire, I’m waiting for you to clean out the bath. Soon I will be deducting 50p off from your pocket money for every minute I wait.’
Although a messy bath isn’t a huge incident in itself, if it happens every day, together with other inconsiderate behaviour, your irritation will escalate into a scene where you find yourself shouting that Claire is selfish, and citing all her unreasonable behaviour in one go. It’s much better for everyone in the family to deal with incidents separately and as they arise. If you are dealing with more than one issue, then prioritise: focus on the messy bath now and leave the state of her bedroom for another time.
Bedrooms
Speaking of bedrooms, children of this age spend an inordinate amount of time in their rooms. Even on a lovely summer’s day they can be found in their room, with the curtains closed and the light on. This is normal behaviour. However, if your young teen is spending every evening and weekend shut in his or her room and also appears sullen and withdrawn, make sure they are not worried or depressed. Children at this age have a lot to contend with, and quite small things can get out of perspective and cause them to become withdrawn and even depressed. If you have concerns about your child, talk to them and try to found out what is worrying them. If necessary seek help from a counsellor trained in counselling teenagers and young adults.
House rules
House rules – relating to bedtime, coming-in time, completion of school work, household chores and reasonable tidiness, etc. – will be mainly determined and overseen by you at this age, and you will need to reinforce them using the 3Rs. Request Tom or Claire to do whatever it is you expect them to do, then Repeat and Reaffirm as necessary.
If Tom or Claire is not used to clear and consistent boundaries, then this pre- and early teen phase is likely to be more difficult as you put in place the guidelines. It is never too late to put in place boundaries and guidelines (see Chapter 6); and your child will need them more than ever now as his or her world quickly opens up with all manner of new experiences and decisions.
If you have a partner, it is important to work together. Don’t side with your young teen against your partner in front of them. If you disagree with the way your partner is handling Tom or Claire’s behaviour, then discuss it with them, away from your child. If, after consideration, you both feel it is appropriate to adjust a boundary or guideline, perhaps seeing it as too restrictive, then you can say to your teen, ‘Your dad and I have had a chat and decided that you can go to the youth club on Thursday evening as long as you do your homework first.’ Far from Tom or Claire thinking you are weak, he or she will respect the fact that you have both taken his or her request seriously, given it careful thought and had the confidence to adjust your decision. Your reasonableness will be an example to your child – none of us gets it right all of the time, not even adults. But remember, always discuss matters of discipline away from your teen.
Truancy
Truancy from school can be a big problem at this age, as the young teen rebels, seeking risk and excitement from the challenge of not being caught. In the UK, by the time children reach sixteen 90 per cent of them will have truanted at some time. On a typical school day there are 50,000 children not in school in the UK, and over eight million school days are lost across the UK each year.
The very occasional missed lesson is not going to turn your child into a school dropout, although clearly you should not condone it or encourage it by providing a ‘sick note’. If your young teen regularly misses school or is distressed at the prospect of going to school, hear warning bells. He or she may be having friendship problems, being bullied or finding the work too difficult and therefore stressful. Children at secondary school are under huge pressure to achieve academically, as well as having to cope with all that adolescence brings. Spend time talking to your young teen and find out what the problem is.
If there is no reason for them truanting, and they are simply bucking against the ‘system’ as part of rebelling, then you will need to make them go to school. It is a legal requirement in all developed countries that children attend school until a set age (sixteen in the UK, with plans to ra
ise it to eighteen in 2015). The parent of a teenager can be prosecuted for the teen’s non-attendance at school, with the parent going to prison (in extreme cases) and the teen fined up to £200. The judge will not accept the excuse that you couldn’t get your teen into school; as the parent you are responsible for your child going until he or she reaches the age of sixteen.
Talk to your young teen about the importance of education, apart from it being a legal requirement. Explain the value of education, particularly in respect of job prospects. You will need the support of the school if your child is truanting, and to work closely with them, so that the school secretary phones you if your son or daughter fails to arrive, and you phone the school if your child is genuinely off sick. If necessary, and practical, take your child to school; at least you will know they have gone in through the school gates, and you going is likely to be a deterrent to truanting in its own right. Not many teens think its ‘cool’ to have their parents take them to secondary school. As with any negative behaviour, appropriate sanctions need to be applied if cooperation has not been forthcoming and the child persists in the behaviour.
Sanctions for teens
At this age (and older), talking, reasoning and discussing are paramount ingredients for good parenting. A lot of negative behaviour can be corrected, eventually, through this medium, particularly if the boundaries and guidelines are already in place. However, there will be times when your young teen is not open to rational debate, and despite your talking to them at length, their negative behaviour persists. The bottom line is that your child has to alter his or her behaviour and comply, and there will be a sanction if they don’t, so that they will remember and learn for the next time.
Sanctions at this age will obviously be different from those you used when your child was younger. Stopping half an hour’s television for a young teen is unlikely to be much of a sanction. You will know your child, and know what sanctions work best, but here are a few suggestions:
* The young teen is ‘grounded’, i.e. not allowed out when he or she would normally have expected to go. Make sure the grounding is reasonable – stop one outing for rudeness or for coming in late, not an entire month.
* The young teen has to be in earlier than usual, for example after spending time with a friend.
* The young teen has to complete a household chore, for example tidying the shed, clearing out the cat litter tray, etc.
* A treat is stopped, for example football club, pocket money, a sleepover.
Let your young teen feel your disapproval when necessary; show it, as they show you theirs. After a negative incident, don’t be your usual chatty self, unless of course your child has apologised and the air is clear. A slight coolness in your manner, together with your explanation of what your young teen has done wrong (it isn’t always obvious to them), will reinforce that he or she has overstepped the boundary; their behaviour is not acceptable, and you thoroughly disapprove.
Another approach is to withhold your services. Postpone doing something for your teen that you had intended to do: for example, perhaps you were planning on rushing into the town straight after work to buy Tom new football boots. If Tom has just ‘kicked-off’ (excuse the pun), then postpone the trip – ‘I’m sorry, Tom, you have just spoken to me very rudely, I don’t feel like rushing into town right now. Perhaps tomorrow, when I feel happier.’ This is quite reasonable, and gives Tom the clear message that his negative or rude behaviour is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated by you. Don’t feel bad about being cool towards him for a short period, or withdrawing your services for a short while. You wouldn’t put yourself out for an adult who had just given you a load of grief, unless you wanted to end up being treated like a doormat, which is what your young teen will do if you don’t maintain his or her respect.
Rewards for teens
Obviously don’t forget to praise Tom or Claire when he or she has done something positive; children (and adults) of all ages respond to verbal praise and encouragement. However, I would not give rewards (for example, extra pocket money) for positive behaviour at this age, as it is likely to result in your teen expecting it and reverting to negative behaviour if the reward is not forthcoming. By all means give extra pocket money for extra chores, for example, washing the car or mowing the grass, but by this age acceptable behaviour should be the assumed norm, the baseline from which you work, not something done as a favour to mum or for the promise of a reward.
Using the 3Rs with teens
Request, Repeat and Reaffirm, but allow extra time for your young teen to do as you have asked, as they tend to function in a different time zone to adults.
Claire has been on the house phone for the last hour and you are waiting to use it. Don’t bellow from one end of the house to the other, ‘Claire, get off that damn phone!’ She won’t. For the first Request, go within reasonable speaking distance, so that she can hear you but you are not being over-intrusive, and say firmly but politely, ‘Claire, will you finish on the phone in five minutes, please? I need to use it.’ Five minutes passes and Claire is still on the phone – probably talking to a friend she has spent all day with at school. Return to where you stood before and Repeat. Say firmly and politely, ‘Claire, I’ve asked you to finish on the phone, now please. I’m waiting to use it.’ Five more minutes pass and the landline is still blocked. Now it is time to Reaffirm with the warning of a sanction. Return to Claire and say, ‘Claire, off the phone, now please, or you won’t be using it for the rest of the evening.’ Then hover close by. With you able to overhear, you will find Claire winds up her conversation very quickly. If Claire slams down the phone and huffs, ignore it. But if Claire slams down the phone and yells or swears at you before storming out of the room, slamming the door behind her, then apply the sanction and stop her using the phone for the rest of the evening. She will remember that her behaviour was unacceptable and you will not be treated in such a manner.
Remember
* Pre-teens and young teens appear very grown-up, but don’t let them have sole responsibility for their behaviour. They haven’t the life experience or degree of self-regulation to handle it.
* Mutual respect, clear and consistent boundaries, discussion and reasonableness are the key components for successfully parenting teens.
* Guide the young person, advise them, listen to them and be there for them.
Quality time now is just as important as it was when your child was young. Invest time, and be patient and understanding, but remember that ultimately you are the adult and you are in charge of your young teen.
Older Teen: 15–18
There will be considerable variation in the level of maturity reached between young people in their late teens. Some will still need very firm boundaries in respect of their behaviour, while others will need only the occasional reminder. Regardless of their level of maturity, all older teens will need your guidance and advice sometimes as they face the many lifestyle choices that this age brings. They will also need your unfailing support when the decision they have made turns out to be the wrong one and the result is not as they anticipated.
Although your young person will be feeling more confident in his or her body (boys will be catching up with girls in their development), they will still be experimenting with their character and the image they want to portray. Older teens will also be faced with many important and often confusing decisions – about higher education, university, a career, relationships – as well as choices about alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, etc.
Parenting an older teen is like being a coach on the sidelines: you are there to cheer them along, and offer encouragement and advice, but also ready to pick up the pieces and commiserate when things go wrong. Your sophisticated and independent sixteen-year-old daughter who goes off confidently to her Saturday job will soon be a child again, in need of comfort and support, when her first boyfriend lets her down, or when her exam results aren’t as good as she expected and she has to reassess her career plans.
Young people in this age group can be great company, enjoying a laugh and a joke at an adult level, and whose opinion you may seek. But they can also be very self-centred, focusing on their own needs and enjoyment to the exclusion of others’. What family hasn’t queued outside the bathroom door at 8.00 a.m. on a weekday while their teenage son or daughter hogs the shower? And what parent of a teen hasn’t spent a night of endless torment when their child didn’t arrive home until 3.00 a.m. when they were expected at 11.00 p.m.? Although older teens vary in their level of maturity, all parents will have had to deal with some of what follows, at some time.
Peer group influence
Your young person will probably have a large circle of friends by now, and he or she will be spending a lot of time with them, away from the family home. This is normal and healthy. As parents we have to accept that our sons and daughters prefer the company of their friends to ours – it’s a sign we have done our jobs well and encouraged their independence and sociability. You will know some of your son or daughter’s friends, but not all, and while you will hope they have made good choices in their friends, and are associating with young people with similar values and principles to your own, this can’t be guaranteed.
