“And that is?”
He’s never around during any of my serious talks with the boys. They clam up if he comes in the room. Our talks usually happen in the kitchen while he’s asleep. That’s how it is with all the boys. I stumbled into my role as adult confidant by accident when I discovered the secret late-night world of teenagers—they binge eat in the middle of the night just like me. Busting me in front of the refrigerator with my mouth full of whipped cream or my hands buried in a bag of Cheetos was almost as shocking as finding me smoking crack. Discovering my secret gave them the freedom to share theirs. There’s something to be said about the intimacies that are shared over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream at three a.m.
I sit up and reach for the water on my nightstand. It feels strange being in my bed. Paul’s been on me about moving back into our bedroom, but I’m not ready. “I’m going to ask him how Sawyer died, and then I’m going to wait for him to answer.” I take a sip. I’ve been in this room too long. I want to get back to his. “I’ll sit in silence for as long as I have to until he talks.”
SEVENTEEN
DANI
Bryan’s lips curl into a sneer as he grips my arm. “How could you be so stupid?”
I fight the urge to pull away, raising my eyes to meet his instead. I try to keep the trembling out of my voice as I speak. “You should’ve seen her. She was wrecked. Completely destroyed . . .”
You would have to be cruel to say no to her. That’s the last part of my sentence. The one I want to say but hold inside like all the other secrets I keep.
“Caleb isn’t meeting with Kendra. He’s not talking to her or anyone else.” He increases the pressure on my skin, twisting slightly. There were four empty beer cans in the garbage when I got home. A bottle of vodka is probably hidden somewhere in this room. His breath smells like old cottage cheese.
“Please, stop. You’re hurting me,” I cry.
He snorts. “Oh, please.” He slowly releases his hold. “You’re so attention starved.”
“I’m sorry.” The apology rolls easily off my tongue, even though it couldn’t be further from the truth. Years of apologizing so ingrained in me that I can’t stop even when I want to.
“You should be.” He points to my mascara-smeared face. “Clean yourself up. You look disgusting.”
I sit on the edge of the bed, too scared to move. Just let it be over.
He walks to his closet and grabs his leather coat. “Oh, by the way, I’m going out tonight.” He slips on his coat and struts back to me. I haven’t moved from my spot on the bed. He flicks my chin up with his fingers so his eyes meet mine, then peers at me within inches from my face. “And you need to tell Kendra it’s not happening with Caleb by the time I get home.”
I nod. A sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. Nerves frayed, on edge. I’m sick of feeling like this. Please go.
“I mean it. By the time I’m home,” he says as he turns to leave, then shuts the door behind him.
Every sense is attuned to his movements as he passes through the house. Footsteps in the kitchen. Toilet flushing in the guest bathroom. The sound of his car in the driveway, and loud rock music filling the neighborhood. The roar of his Benz down the street like he’s racing.
And then he’s gone.
I sink into the bed, and relief floods my body.
“So you still let him talk to you that way?” Luna’s voice startles me from the doorway like a scene out of her childhood. How many times did I wonder how long she’d been standing there and what she’d heard?
“Please, Luna. I can’t do this with you right now. I can’t.” I turn my back and swallow my tears. She can’t see me cry. She already thinks I’m pathetic.
“Are you okay?” There’s a hint of kindness in her voice that hasn’t been there in years, and it almost makes me break down.
“I’m fine. Just trying to decide what I’m going to do about Caleb’s appointment.” I get up and start busying myself with grabbing the dirty clothes from the floor and tossing them into the hamper so I don’t have to see the pity in her eyes.
EIGHTEEN
LINDSEY
I tap my foot, anxiously waiting for Jacob to come out of his MRI. It’s been almost two hours since they wheeled him away. I hope that doesn’t mean something’s wrong. I’m not a fan of this rehabilitation unit. The doctors treat him like he’s one of the other stroke patients, and I’ve complained numerous times about the nurses’ lack of urgency, but nothing has changed. He’s on the wait list for a bed to open up at Prairie Meadows, a long-term residential facility for traumatic-brain-injured patients, and I’m hoping they’ll treat him better there.
Andrew’s been working on finding a lawyer all morning. Turns out it wasn’t as easy as making a few phone calls, and his anxiety pulsed through the phone every time we talked. I’m glad he skipped his morning visit. It’s not good for Jacob to be around all that negativity. But now I haven’t heard anything from him since eleven, and he was supposed to pick Sutton up from a playdate at noon. She and Wyatt go back to school full-time on Monday. It’ll be good for her to hang out with her friends and act like a normal kid again. Same with Wyatt.
Feels like all I’ve done all day is wait, since I’m waiting to hear from Kendra too. I can’t believe Dani agreed to let her talk to Caleb. I could tell Kendra was surprised, too, when she texted me about it last night. Dani was supposed to go over there with Caleb at nine, and it’s almost noon. There’s no way they met for that long. Kendra FaceTimed me this morning while she was scurrying around her house like she was having the prince over for tea. She was a wreck, but it was wrecked like she used to be before all this. It was the first glimpse I’ve seen of her old self in a long time. Kendra feels further away from me than she’s ever been, and the distance started long before the accident with Sawyer. I miss being able to talk to her without feeling like she’s judging everything I say.
I check the volume on my phone for the third time, making sure it’s not on silent. Maybe I should just text Dani. If it didn’t go well, Kendra will disappear into Sawyer’s bedroom, and I won’t hear from her until at least tomorrow. I pull Dani from my favorites and tap out a text:
How’d it go at Kendra’s? Haven’t heard from her . . .
I pause before hitting send. Looks good. Send.
Delivered. Read. The three dots.
Why is she taking so long? Finally:
I’m so sorry.
My chest constricts. No. She wouldn’t. Dani promised Kendra she could talk to Caleb. She wouldn’t go back on her word. Not on something like this. Something else must’ve happened. Maybe Caleb got sick or something came up with Luna.
For what?!?
Please, no. This will divide us. We’ll fracture, split, and this time it’ll be the end. There will be no coming back from this. We won’t survive it.
Bryan won’t let him.
NINETEEN
KENDRA
The doorbell chime echoes throughout the house, sending the contents of my stomach shooting up and back down, leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. The last time it rang was the worst night of my life. I want to rip the entire system out of the wall and burn it in the backyard. Reese rushes into Sawyer’s bedroom without bothering to knock and hurls himself on the bed, half his body landing on top of mine.
“What’s happening?” he asks. There’s no mistaking the terror in his eyes. He remembers too.
I shake my head. Too nervous to speak. I fold my hands, whispering to a childhood god I abandoned long ago, begging him not to shatter us again.
“Kendra, can you come downstairs?” Paul’s voice calls out from below. The marble floors throughout our house ensure nothing goes unheard. He sounds clear. Calm. Not fake calm for me but genuine there-isn’t-anything-wrong calm.
I shove Reese toward the edge of the bed. “Go see who’s down there.”
He shakes his huge head back and forth, making his long blond hair fall in front of his eyes. I’m not sure
how I ended up with such dramatically different boys. Not just in looks but in personality too.
“I said, go down there and see who it is,” I say, refusing to move from my position on the bed.
“Fine,” he huffs before getting up and rushing downstairs. It’s only seconds before he’s back. “Luna’s here,” he announces.
“Luna?”
“Yes, Luna,” he says, speaking more slowly, like I didn’t comprehend him the first time.
Dani texted earlier that Caleb wasn’t coming today like we’d originally planned. I haven’t texted back. I’m not going to. I might not ever speak to her again. At some point she has to take a stand against Bryan, and if this isn’t the thing that motivates her to do it, then nothing will. She made her choice.
“Tell her to come up here.”
“Luna, come up to Sawyer’s room!” Reese screams at the top of his lungs.
I cover my ears. “I could’ve done that.”
He grins. His smile still lopsided despite two years of braces.
I smile back. “I love you.” He beams right as there’s a timid knock at the door. “Come in,” I say.
Luna walks in, shifting her eyes back and forth around the room, refusing to make eye contact with me or Reese. She’s been in my house many times but rarely in Sawyer’s bedroom. At least not when I’ve been home. She’s transformed in the last two years, and I barely recognize her as the girl who sold me Girl Scout Cookies every year. She used to be the perfect embodiment of a California girl—flawless tan and taut, strong legs and a flat stomach, like she’d stepped out of an Abercrombie & Fitch ad. Today her small frame is hidden underneath baggy clothes draped on her body. A half-shaved undercut marks her part, and the long hair hanging on the other side of her face is streaked purple. Piercings dot her ears, and a barbed wire tattoo encircles her tiny neck.
She stands in the doorway, unsure of what to do with herself or where to sit.
“It’s okay.” I pat the spot on the bed next to Reese. “Come sit next to us.” Maybe it’s a good thing that he’s here. She sits tentatively next to Reese, who promptly makes a weird grunting sound rather than saying hello.
“I’m sorry Caleb didn’t come today,” she mumbles as she pulls her legs up to her chest and wraps her arms around them. “Mom should’ve let him.”
“Don’t worry about it. That’s not your fault. You didn’t have anything to do with it,” I say. Her face crumples like she might cry. I reach for her hand and give it a squeeze. “Sweetie, it’s okay. Really it is.”
“It’s not that.” Tears move down her cheeks, and she tries to talk, but that only makes her start sobbing. It’s impossible for her to speak while she cries, so we wait as the torrent of emotions passes through her. The dark makeup lining her eyes drips down her face. Reese keeps glancing at the door like he’s thinking of a reason to bolt from the room without looking rude. I could sit here all day. Intense emotions no longer make me uncomfortable.
I hand her a glass of water from Sawyer’s nightstand after she’s settled a bit. “What’s going on?” I ask.
“Sawyer would still be here if I hadn’t been so lazy and selfish,” she cries as she wipes her nose with the back of her sleeve. “It’s all my fault.”
Reese tosses her one of the Kleenex boxes on the bed. She pulls out a handful and blows her nose. Her eyes are red rimmed from crying so hard, and the dark eyeliner smeared all over her face makes her look ghoulish.
“My interview with the detective is this afternoon, and I want to tell you what I’m going to tell him. You should hear it from me first.” Her voice trembles with emotion. I wait for her to go on, but she doesn’t. I place my hand on top of hers, working my thumb in circles on top of her soft skin. Sawyer’s skin was never this soft.
“Mom, can I go now?” Reese asks, edging his way off the bed and away from Luna. The color’s drained from his face at the seriousness of her visit. He’s not interested in what she has to say. Not now.
I nod my approval and motion for the door without taking my eyes off Luna. I’m scared to move in case it spooks her and she stops talking. He quickly scurries away, shutting the door behind him and leaving us alone in Sawyer’s room. It’s where I planned to talk to Caleb if he made it today. Luna’s the last person I expected to see.
“I don’t want you to be mad at me or think I hid anything on purpose.” Her voice catches in her throat. “I’m sorry.”
She’s making me nervous. What’s she getting at? The walls pulse and throb around me.
“I was with them that night.”
“You were home?” Lindsey told me she’d moved home after the accident. Not before.
“Yes, but no.” She shakes her head. “I’m sorry I’m not making any sense. This is so hard.”
“It’s okay, honey, really. Whatever you have to say is okay.” I give her the same smile I give my real estate clients when I’m trying to land a huge deal.
“They showed up at the Delta Tau house, and I—”
“Who’s ‘they’?” She can’t leave out any part of the story. Every detail matters.
“Sawyer, Caleb, and Jacob.”
“Was there a party?” Delta Tau is the only fraternity house at Hamlin College. Hamlin’s one of the oldest and smallest colleges in Southern California. I used to sneak into Delta Tau parties with her mom and Lindsey when we were in high school.
She nods, bringing her hand to her mouth and nibbling on her fingernails. They’re chewed down to nubs. “They made a huge scene.”
“What kind of a scene?” I try not to sound too eager.
“I wasn’t there when they got there, so I missed out on the beginning of the drama. But apparently, they’d already been drinking before they got to the party.” She looks away, embarrassed to be telling on them, even though there’s no way around it and she’s doing the right thing by coming forward. Besides, we already knew they’d been drinking. There was no mistaking the smell of alcohol on all their clothes. “They were already pretty drunk, and Sawyer started doing shots in the kitchen with a couple of the other guys as soon as they got there. The Delta Tau boys can drink. They do it every weekend, and Sawyer tried to keep up with them. He got wasted super fast. Way too fast. That’s when he got belligerent and started picking fights with people for no reason. He gets like that sometimes.” She quickly glances up. Conflict twists her expression. “I’m sorry. Are you sure you want to hear all this?”
“Absolutely. Please, don’t leave anything out.” I lean into her like a heroin addict about to get their next fix.
“Sawyer got into a scuffle in the kitchen because he offended someone by using a racial slur—”
“A racial slur?” Sawyer wasn’t racist, and I’ve never seen him belligerent. He must’ve been really drunk. “What’d he say?”
“I’m not sure what he said.”
She knows, but her expression tells me she’s too embarrassed to say. It must’ve been really bad. “Sorry I keep interrupting you,” I say, even though I’ll probably do it ten more times before this conversation is over.
“It’s okay.” She gives me a timid smile. “Anyway, I got to the party right as they were throwing them out. Caleb and Jacob had jumped in, and a big brawl was about to happen in the front yard. Honestly, I’m not sure what would’ve happened if I hadn’t shown up. A couple of my friends were there and helped me break it up. I called them an Uber and ended up getting in the front seat because I didn’t trust them not to act like idiots, which they pretty much did even with me in the car as a babysitter. I was so irritated with them, especially Caleb.” Guilt stalls her story at whatever part comes next.
“Was Caleb drunk too?”
“Yes, and he was angry, too, but Caleb being angry drunk is way different than Sawyer.”
“It is?”
She nods. “Sawyer is, like, dumb-jock drunk.” She puts her hand over her mouth. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—”
I put my hand on hers again. �
�Don’t worry about it.” Sawyer could act like a dumb jock when he was sober, so I can’t imagine what he was like drunk. “Nothing you say will offend me.”
“Caleb is angry and mean when he’s drunk. He immediately started in on the driver over nothing, and our driver wanted to cancel the trip because he was super annoyed with all of it. I barely talked him into taking us home. Jacob and Sawyer were screaming at each other in the back seat, and I just kept telling them to shut up while we drove.” She gnaws on her nails while she speaks. “I’ve replayed that stupid car ride over so many times I’m sick of it. Honestly, they sounded like a bunch of drunk frat boys who didn’t make any sense. There were a lot of ‘bruhs’ and ‘dude, no.’ I was more annoyed than anything.”
I don’t like thinking about him drunk. It’s one of the reasons I left him and his friends alone when they came home after they’d been out drinking. I could tell they’d been drinking whenever they tried to be quiet because they never worried about being quiet any other time, but I wouldn’t confront them about it. I was glad they came home and passed out in my basement. Kids who stayed out all night without a place to crash were the ones who got in real trouble.
“Did any of them have a gun?” I ask like it’s the most normal question in the world to ask a person.
“No, there wasn’t any gun.” Offense clouds her eyes for a brief second, as if my question implies that she left that piece out on purpose. She resembles Dani when she’s offended—same squinty eyes and slightly turned-up chin. “Getting them out of the car and into the house was a spectacle, and I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.”
“That’s it? Did you hear anything else from them?”
“No, I had no idea anything happened until I got the call from Mom around midnight. I knew something was wrong as soon as I saw it was a call and not a text.” She takes a deep breath before continuing, obviously trying to clear those memories from her mind—the moment the world shifted underneath her feet. “I went back to the party and tried repairing the damage they’d done. That was my biggest concern, and I’ll regret it forever. I should’ve stayed with them . . .”
The Best of Friends Page 8
