by Z. B Heller
Martha: Moxie, did you remember to go to your Weight Watchers meeting last night?
I’d told Martha that I’d joined Weight Watchers, to get her off my back about losing weight.
Moxie: I did. They were serving Krispy Kream and I took a stand against their wrongdoings and quit.
“Miss Summers?” Katie yelled, bringing me back to the present. “Can I feed the rabbit?”
Chloe, our class pet, was bouncing in the corner, waiting to be fed. I’d adopted Chloe, the Flemish Giant rabbit, from the Humane Society back in September. I felt bad for Chloe because I truly felt she was meant to be a dog, but got stuck in a rabbit’s body. She likes to lay by me and constantly begs for food. She and I have that in common.
Luckily, Chloe is litter trained and can roam free around the room, but has a pen to sleep in at night. I occasionally take her home with me because, honestly, she makes nice company. She’s too big for a carrier, so I just walk her on a leash. This provides for some interesting conversation on the train.
“Sure, Katie. Why don’t you try selling her some Thin Mints while you’re at it?” I said sarcastically, but Katie giggled and ran to feed Chloe. I swear I was going to take her girl scout sash and burn it at night and feed her the ashes.
“Excuse me, Miss Summers?” Mrs. James called as she walked into the class followed by a little boy. “I would like to introduce you and the class to our new school mate, Dillion.”
Dillion shyly waved to the class. He was a very cute little boy with floppy brown hair and steel blue eyes. Those eyes hid behind glasses, and just a hint of freckles splattered his nose. There was something about him that seemed familiar to me. But then again, all the kids blend together at some point.
“Welcome, Dillion. We are so excited that you are here with us. Why don’t you hang your things in that empty cubby and sit with us for morning meeting? That way we can introduce you to each student,” I said in my most cheerful Mary Poppins voice.
“Thank you, Miss Summers,” Dillion spoke in a sweet soft voice.
Suddenly, all hell broke loose. There, before me, stood my Adonis. He had walked right into my room. At first I thought I was hallucinating, like the one and only time I smoked pot and thought that Dave from Dave Matthews Band had snuck into my room. At that moment I decided that I was being punished for all the horrible things I had done in my life. Like mentally hoping that Katie would be crushed by a big box of Caramel Delight cookies.
He looked just as amazing as that night I saw him at Dickies. This time he was wearing khaki cargo pants and a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Even the hair that grazed his arms was beautiful. I just wanted to lick him like a popsicle.
“Miss Summers, I would like to introduce you to Miles Dane, Dillion’s dad.”
Holy shit on a shingle. The man I so casually asked if he had hairy balls was standing before me, and his son was in my class. He was probably thinking, “Shit, now she’s going to corrupt my son’s education and ask him about hairy balls.”
But instead, all he did was smile. No, it was more like a smirk. A knowing smirk that confirmed he remembered who I was. My stomach started to churn.
“Miss Summers, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” He shook my hand. The connection was electric, like sticking a fork into an outlet.
“Umm, thank you…”
“Mr. Dane,” he confirmed, and then he pulled me in a little and whispered close to my ear. “You know, like a Great Dane. Do you like dogs, Miss Summers?”
No. This was so not happening. My face immediately flushed, but then suddenly I became pissed. This guy had a big set of balls, hairy or not, to have started this game with me.
I straightened my posture to indicate that his presence didn’t faze me. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he made my Triangle tingle.
“Nice to meet you, Mr. Dane. Actually, I’m more of a pussycat person. I love how soft they feel when you run your hands through their thick, luscious fur,” I said, putting a strong emphasis on thick and luscious.
I saw his jaw drop just a hint and then his lips curved up in a smile, so I knew he caught my innuendo. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with those lips, and yes, it did involve running them through my own pussy’s fur. I wasn’t going to go down that road. His son was in my class and I had a strict rule not to sleep with my students’ parents, ever.
“Well, Miss Summers, I thought Mr. Dane could sit in on your class for a while and observe what you do. I’m sure he would love to know what kind of education Dillion is getting,” Mrs. James said as she smiled deviously at me.
“Yes, I would love to see Miss Summers teach,” Miles said. “Maybe she could teach the kids how to take informative polls.”
It was my jaw’s turn to drop. I felt my cheeks flame in humiliation. I never was nervous about teaching children. However, with adults in the room, I suddenly felt self-conscious about everything I did. Now, when one of the kids asked me who the 3rd president was, I couldn’t fake it and make something up, like Fred Flintstone.
“Mr. Dane, why don’t you come and have a seat?” I said.
“I’ll be back in a little bit to check in, and then Mr. Dane has some paperwork to fill out,” Mrs. James said. “Behave,” she whispered to me as she walked out. Glad to know I have her complete support.
“Class, as you can see, we have a new student, Dillion Dane, and Dillion’s dad is going to hang out with us a little bit to see what our class is like,” I explained.
“Miss Summers?”
I groaned inwardly. “Yes, Katie?”
“We should tell Dillion about the time we went on the school field trip to the apple orchard and your skirt caught on the ladder and ripped off when you fell off.”
The kids erupted in laughter and I could see Miles in the back silently chuckling.
“We should tell Dillion the rule that we aren’t allowed to talk to you when your blood sugar is low and you are in need of a chocolate pick-me-up,” another girl, Annie, jumped in.
“Alright, alright. We don’t need to go over past events or class rules with Dillion now. Let’s just introduce ourselves and make him feel welcome in the class,” I interrupted the laughing.
After our morning meeting, I had the kids work on science centers around the room. I kept my eye on Dillion to see how he was interacting with the other kids. I felt the Great Dane’s presence behind me before I could even turn around.
“I like the way you interact with the kids. You’re a natural,” Miles said.
I turned around to look at him. “Are you saying that I have the maturity level of a five-year-old?” I gazed into his blue eyes, which was probably the wrong move considering the heat I was feeling went straight to my Pussy Cat.
Miles looked at me. “I wonder if he is going to come home asking why his balls don’t have hair on them.”
I felt myself turn red. “Look, I’m really sorry about the other night. I had a little too much to drink. That’s not how I normally act.”
“Hmm, that’s too bad. Honesty is refreshing.” He grinned.
“Well, that’s good to know, because honesty has a habit of coming out of my mouth whether I want it to or not.”
He stood there and looked at me with hooded eyes. His ocean blue eyes had a sparkle in them. But there was something else there that I couldn’t figure out.
“Yes, well, I apparently found your honesty. It’s all over my pants and shoes, from Friday night.”
I scrunched up my face. “Yeah, sorry about that, too. Can I at least dry clean them for you?”
“Nah, that’s ok. I’m just honored that I could partake in the very important bar poll about hairy balls. I can now die a happy man, knowing that I made a difference in the world.”
“Hilarious. You won’t be laughing so hard when you see my name published in medical journals on the subject of testicles.”
Miles’s face contorted as he looked down at his leg. Apparently, I wasn’t the only
one in the room who wanted to hump Miles senseless. So did Chloe.
“Why do you have a dog in the room?” asked Miles, shaking Chloe off his leg and then reaching down to pet her.
“Shhh, don’t let her hear you. She’s a rabbit, but really thinks she’s a dog. I just don’t have the heart to tell her otherwise.”
“Mr. Dane?” Mrs. James returned to the room. “We have the new student paperwork to fill out for you in the office.”
“Great,” he replied to her. “Miss Summers, thank you for letting me sit in on your class. I really liked what I saw.”
I couldn’t help but feel that comment didn’t refer to my teaching style. He winked at me as he walked out of the room. Mrs. James followed him out, but not before she turned around to look at me and made a motion like she was squeezing his butt cheeks when he wasn’t looking. Fucking cougar!
Chapter Three
After school, I met up with my other best friend, Ryan, at a local coffee shop. Ryan is the most fabulous gay man I’ve ever met. It might seem cliché for a girl to have a gay guy for a best friend, but if it wasn’t for Ryan’s powerful Gaydar, I would have made a complete ass out of myself flirting with a guy I had no chance of hooking up with. Some people don’t believe Gaydar is real. However, Ryan could possibly make a good living out of it, since he is right ninety nine point nine percent of the time.
He once explained to me that “If a guy is wearing a v-neck cashmere sweater over a button-down shirt and a fedora on his head, he’s gay.”
“What? That makes no sense. Aren’t you stereotyping? If a guy has a nice clothing style, you assume he’s gay?”
Sure enough, a guy who was dressed up like an Armani model walked past us and winked at Ryan. I threw my hands up at Ryan in a what-the-hell expression, and he just smiled back at me. Great, I was now doomed to meeting guys who wore track pants and sweat shirts with burger stains on them.
Ryan was adamant about giving me these helpful tips because the first time I met him I tried to get up in his business. His penis business. Ryan is hot. No, not hot, ragging fire, smoking good looking. Someone would have to not have a heartbeat or blood flowing to their genitals not to feel attracted to this man. I even dare asexuals to stand in front of him and not get turned on.
We were at a party on New Year’s Eve a few years back and Renee dragged me to her friend’s place, promising it would be the event Chicago would be talking about the next morning. It was really six people eating fondue and playing Yahtzee.
“I thought you said this was going to be the ultimate place to be tonight?” I squealed. “And who the fuck still plays Yahtzee? That is such a pussy game. Why not Pictionary, like normal people who draw stick figures with huge junk?”
“It was supposed to be a hemorrhoid, not someone’s junk,” Renee snarled. “Anyway, there is a guy I’ve been crushing on who said he was going to be here. I thought New Year’s Eve would be the perfect opportunity to get our first kiss, or laid, or whatever.”
“Yeah, if you are living in every John Hughes movie in the eighties,” I snorted.
“That’s blasphemy! Do not speak of Sixteen Candles, Pretty in Pink and Breakfast Club in that way or I will have to wash your mouth out with soap,” Renee gasped.
That’s when I spotted Ryan and suddenly forgave Renee for dragging me to the Saddest Group of the Month Club Party.
“Excuse me,” I told her. “I just found something better to wash my mouth out with.”
I casually strolled up to the makeshift bar which was really just crates stacked together with random booze sitting on them. I don’t really know what I was expecting here, being these people were fresh out of college. Perhaps I could coin a decorating term called Salvation Army Chic.
Ryan was standing there, pouring himself some Jack and Coke.
“I bet that Coke likes to get Jacked around.” I smiled towards him.
Ryan let out a gut-busting laugh. I melted and thought for sure I was a shoe-in to get lucky later.
“I like your outfit,” he said. “J. Crew?”
Fuck, this boy was hot and he knew his style. I could tell by his dark faded jeans and cashmere v-neck sweater.
“Good eye,” I said. “Mind mixing one of those drinks for me?”
“For a beautiful lady, of course. What’s your name, pretty lady?”
“Moxie Summers.”
“Moxie? That’s an interesting name. I bet that gets a lot of guys’ attention.” His eyes were smoldering.
At this point I wondered if I should excuse myself to the little girls’ room to make sure that my Party Box was primed and ready to go. But instead, Ryan and I sat together on the couch and proceeded to laugh and talk well into the night.
After a few drinks of rum and Coke I was drunk and horny. I was getting frustrated because Ryan wasn’t making his move. We had tons in common and I was beginning to wonder if I had rotting corpse drinking breath that was turning him off. I figured he was being shy, so I pulled up my big girl panties and dove right in.
“You know, I’m not wearing any panties and you’re making me so wet that the couch will be stained with my essence,” I whispered in his ear.
Who uses the word essence? I wanted to smack my forehead with my hand.
“I don’t think that’s all that hygienic, considering I know this couch’s past history. It’s seen a lot of action in its past and I can’t confirm that it’s been tested for STDs.”
I laughed. “You are too cute. You’re like a little present I want to wrap up and stick in my pocket. Would you like to see the pocket I would want to stick you in?” I said in my most seductive tone.
“I’m sure it’s a very nice pocket, but I’m going to have to take a pass,” he said.
What the fuck? Who denies a drunk pocket to stuff? I even had gotten freshly waxed to ring in the New Year.
“Oh, but I have a very warm and comfortable pocket with lots of room to move and get comfortable,” I tried again.
Ryan looked at me. At least I thought he was looking at me. I really wasn’t able to focus. “I’m gay.”
“I thought your name was Ryan.” I laughed at my little joke. “It’s a good thing you didn’t give me an orgasm yet. I would have shouted the wrong name,” I added with a drunk hiccup.
“No, Moxie, I mean I like dudes.”
“Me too! I like dudes who stick their presents into my pocket,” I continued.
“Maybe I have to go with the blunt approach with you. I fuck guys, not girls. I like to fuck them in whichever way I can. I like to put my cock in their mouths and come all over their faces. When I’m done with that, I stick my dick in their asses and screw them until they can’t see straight.”
I stared at him.
“So that means we’re not having sex?” I asked.
That’s when I passed out. I woke up the next morning in my own bed with one hell of a hangover, and went into the kitchen for some ibuprofen and water. Ryan was asleep on the couch. Apparently, Renee got lucky with her crush at the party and Ryan took me home to nurse me back to reality. We have been friends ever since.
Coming back to the present, I heard Ryan say, “Moxie, do you want your coffee with extra cream?”
“If you’re offering me some of your delicious cream to accompany my dark hot liquid, then yes.”
“Is everything a sexual innuendo with you?” He smiled.
“Do you believe that Lady Gaga was put on this earth to serve as the gay Messiah?”
“Good point,” he said.
We grabbed our drinks and sat at a table in the corner.
“I have a situation at school.” I sighed.
“One of your kids slapping you with sexual harassment again?”
“It isn’t sexual harassment when you walk into the bathroom in the kindergarten room and a kid is poking at his dingle because it won’t go down.”
“Well, you are one hot piece of ass.” He laughed.
“As much as I appreciate the compliment, I told
the kid to pee and the boner disappeared.”
“Yes, male genitals are very mysterious in that way. So what happened?”
“I was at Dickies with Renee last week and got a little tipsy. I made a complete ass out of myself in front of a delicious looking guy.”
“And how is that different from any other day of the week?”
I shot Ryan my middle finger and he blew me an air kiss.
“The problem is that after I quizzed him about hairy versus smooth balls, he showed up in my classroom today. His son is my new student.”
“No question, smooth balls. The last thing you want is to dental floss with pubes after visiting the playground.”
“Ryan! Focus. We’re talking about me here, not your Pee Wee’s Big Adventure going down on a guy.”
“Relax, I’ve seen you drunk and it could be worse.”
“I puked on his shirt and shoes.”
Ryan howled in laughter. “I take it back, you’ve pretty much just humiliated yourself into a leper colony.”
“Fuck off and thanks, I feel so much better.”
“So what did he say when he saw you this morning? Did he offer you an airline sick bag?”
“No, that’s the thing. He was smug, cute, hot and completely flirty.”
“Horrible. What a fucking bastard. What is he thinking, trying to be flirtatious with you? I’ll cut off his balls.”
“You aren’t helping.”
“What’s the problem, Moxie? It sounds like you have a hot guy flirting with you even after you regurgitated over his shoes. The guy deserves a congratulatory blow job.”
I pictured myself bowing in front of Miles after vomiting and offering to suck him off. I think I just committed myself to nightmares for the next decade. Ryan was not helping me feel better, as I’d suspected when I considered telling him about it. But I still wanted his perspective on it. Even if I didn’t like it.
“I think I need to go home and drown myself in vodka and Xanax,” I told Ryan.
“Oh, God, don’t do that. Then you’ll end up all River Phoenix overdosed, with foam coming out of your mouth.”
