And something about her words causes me to pause, as the lust cloud that had been obscuring my judgement clears away. All that’s left behind, is a blind panic as my heart beats so fast it feels like it’s in my throat.
“Not yet,” I say, pulling away, my dick sliding out of her hand. I hear her make a noise in protest, and I press a kiss to her stomach as I slide off the bed. “We’re not up to that on the list.” I say it with a smile, as I button up and zip my fly, trying to mask the fact that I just freaked out at the thought of being inside her.
What the hell is wrong with me?
She’s looking at me with a confused and hurt expression on her face, as I move around to the side of the bed and slide my arms beneath her to scoop her up.
“But we are up to the part where I run you a bath to get all of the sticky cream off you.”
She places her hand on my chest. “Stop, Brad. Put me down.” Her voice is flat but commanding, and I do as she requests. “Look at me.” I do, keeping my eyes on her face. “No,” she says. “Look at me. All of me. Tell me why you don’t want me the way I want you.”
I close my eyes, feeling like absolute shit, but not knowing how the hell I’m supposed to talk to her about this. “I want you. You know I want you. Just not yet.”
“Not yet?” she sighs, and walks over to the chair next to my dresser where there’s a dress shirt draped over the back and wraps it around her body.
“Cody,” I whisper, letting out a sigh of my own, feeling awful and confused and aroused, because she looks so damn sexy in that shirt.
“Talk to me, Brad. Because I need to know what this is about. When we started dating, you said you wanted this to be slow, and I love that–I love that you care so much about making sure I feel loved and worshipped, and I do. I love you so much, that I want to give you some of the pleasure you’ve given me. But the most you’ll let me do is touch you through your clothes, and even then you stop me. I thought it was because you didn’t want to ruin your pants but now…” She shakes her head. “I just don’t understand. I’m ready to take the next step, Brad. I trust you, and I love you. Why don’t you trust me to make that decision for myself?”
Placing my hand on my hips, I look up at the ceiling and swallow my emotion as the truth bubbles just below the surface. It’s such a quiet whisper that I don’t even want to recognise it in my own mind. But I’m hurting her by not being honest, and that’s the last thing I want.
I move to the chair and sit down, placing my head in my hands. “It’s me who isn’t ready,” I admit, my stomach twisting as I release the words, because it sounds ridiculous–what red-blooded male doesn’t jump at the chance to have sex with his woman?
“You aren’t ready? I…I don’t understand.”
I sit up and look at her, holding my hands out in a plea. “I’m scared.”
She kneels down in front of me and places her hands on my knees. “Scared of what?”
“Of hurting you.”
Thirty
Dakota
“He won’t have sex with you?” Stacey asks, when I reveal to her the events of this evening, after I return home earlier than expected. I don’t do the whole kiss and tell thing, but I do tell her enough to give her an overall picture of what happened before Brad put everything on hold.
“No. He’s scared that if he does then I’m going to remember the attack while he’s inside me, and he can’t handle the idea of doing anything that could cause me any harm.”
She tilts her head to the side a little. “Well, that’s kind of a legitimate concern. You’ve had that worry yourself during all this too.”
I nod. “In the beginning, yes. But we’ve been building up to it for weeks now, and I feel so ready to be with him. Every time I think about him, and the way it felt my first time, I get those excited butterflies going on. There’s no fear at the thought of him being inside me at all.”
She holds up her hand. “That’s a little TMI. But I get what you’re saying.”
“What do you think I should do?”
“Well, he’s been working on this slow build up for you, right?”
I nod in response.
“Then how about you do the same for him? It might just be what he needs to come to terms with everything. Don’t forget, it was his house you left before you were attacked. And you were only there after dark because you were having sex. I’m sure he’s kicking himself for taking that shower, or not taking the whole night off work to spend with you. I’m sure there are a million scenarios he’s run in his head that all end with you not getting attacked at all. There will be some part of him that blames himself for what happened to you.”
Frowning, I shake my head. “But it isn’t his fault. It was a shitty thing that happened at random, because I decided to walk instead of waiting. It was just bad luck.”
She presses her lips together and gives me a small smile. “I know that, and you know that. But don’t forget that you had years of therapy in order to come to terms with what happened to you. And to Brad, this is all very new, and his feelings about it are probably still very raw.” She reaches across to me and squeezes my hand. “I wouldn’t worry too much. All this means, is that mister perfect is human after all, and he obviously loves you very much. Why don’t you call him tomorrow and try to talk it out? I’m sure it will make you both feel a lot better.”
* * *
Brad
“I froze,” I tell Ruby the next day. I asked her around for coffee because I needed to talk. She’s the only one who knows enough details about Dakota and me to understand why I’m struggling to make myself go all the way with her. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I can’t get past my own worry and give her what she wants. I’m messing this up, and I don’t know how to explain to her that it’s a problem in my own head and not with her. I tried, and all I did was get her upset and make her feel confused.”
She presses her teeth into her lips sympathetically. “Did you tell her all of this?”
I stand up and walk over to the glass wall and look outside. “I tried. But I think I just made it worse. She went home upset.” I glance back at her. “All I want to do is protect her,” I say softly.
“Maybe you should be telling her all of this? Remember what you said to me when you first found out about the baby and the attack? You said you felt like it was your fault, and that if you had’ve turned her away, she would have been home before the attack even happened. She needs to know that’s how you feel. She needs to know that you wish that little boy was yours instead of a faceless attacker’s. She needs to understand how deeply affected you are by all this too. It’s a tragedy for her more than anyone, but you’ve been touched by this too. Those attackers took something from you too.”
I turn around to see something, but stop when I see Dakota standing a short way inside my apartment. She still has her bag on her shoulder, and her keys in her hand. I can see the tears in her eyes from here.
“Cody,” I say, taking a step toward her. Ruby turns behind her, and her mouth drops open in surprise. Neither of us heard her come in.
Her face creases, upset. “Is that how you really feel? You wish you’d turned me away so we were never together?”
“No. No. I don’t wish for that at all. I just think if we’d waited…”
She shakes her head and backs away, before turning toward the door. I go after her.
“Cody, don’t go. Stay and talk to me. Please.”
She opens the door and turns to me, her face set in a scowl, as a tear rolls out of her eye and streams down her cheek. “You told her about Riley!” she cries, the hurt in her voice stabbing at my chest, constricting my heart.
“Oh god. I’m sorry. I just…I needed to talk, and…”
She shakes her head–she doesn’t want to listen to me. “That wasn’t your secret to tell,” she whispers. Then she steps outside and pulls my door shut with a bang. I drop my head against it and close my eyes.
“F
uck.”
“I’m so sorry, Brad,” Ruby says from the couch. “I didn’t know she was there.”
“Fuck,” I repeat, this time lifting my head and dropping it back against the wood.
“I mean, I never would have said anything if I’d known…”
“Fuck.” Thump.
“Brad?”
I reach over to the hall table and grab my keys. “I’m going after her. Lock the door when you leave,” I say, as I pull open the door.
* * *
Dakota
“I know you’re in there Dakota. Your car is outside,” Brad says, from outside the front door.
I stand on the other side, torn between opening it and staying put. I can’t stop crying. I can’t believe he told her about Riley’s parentage. People can think what they like about me. But I don’t want them thinking anything cruel about my son. He is my son. I grew him in my body, and I raised him with my mind, and my heart, and I’ve loved every part of him.
“Please, Cody. Don’t do this. Talk to me.”
He’s pleading, his voice pained as he speaks through the door.
“Leave me alone,” I call out, wiping angrily at my tears as they slide down my face.
“I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”
“Fine,” I yell, reaching out and pulling open the door. Although, I leave the security screen locked and talk to him through the wire.
“Let me in,” he pleads, his voice soft as he leans against the screen with his fingers, holding onto the curved aluminium that patterns the door in diamond shapes. “Please.”
“No, Brad. I went to your place to talk to you about what happened yesterday. And I walk in to find you talking about our sexual problems with another woman, and on top of that, you’ve told her who Riley’s father was–you had no right, Brad. No right.”
“I know, and I’m sorry. She was staying with me on the day you first told me, and after spending almost seven years thinking you dumped me, I was in shock to learn the truth. I know it’s no excuse, Cody–I should have kept it to myself. But I just needed someone to talk to and…”
“It should have been me,” I state, my throat feeling tight with emotion as I speak.
He opens his mouth to say something, and I can see the sorrow in his pure blue eyes, red rimmed and watery as he struggles to find the right words to say. But no words come out. It’s because there are no words right now. He’s broken my trust.
“If you needed to talk, it should have been with me, Brad. It should have been me,” I reiterate, and then I close the door, covering my face as a fresh bought of tears spills from my eyes.
Thirty-One
Brad
“You look like shit, man,” Elliot says, as I walk toward him on the beach on Sunday morning. The weather is grey and there’s drizzle in the air–it matches my mood.
“I feel like shit,” I comment, as I drop my board on the sand next to him, where he’s prepping his board for traction.
“Want to talk about it?”
As I pull my wetsuit up over my arms and zip up the back, I look out at the surf filled with whitecaps and rolling waves–it’s a surfer’s dream. Pity I don’t feel as though I have the ability to have fun at the moment. I haven’t seen or heard from Dakota since Tuesday, and she won’t answer my calls or return any messages.
I glance down at Elliot, who is still looking up at me, waiting for an answer, and I shake my head. “Talking about it is exactly what got me into this mess.”
“Problems with Cody?”
I nod. “She overheard me talking to Ruby about her. I fucked up.”
“Jesus. What did you say?”
“Things I shouldn’t have said–I know that. But it was stuff I really needed to talk about, and Ruby’s been a good friend of mine for years…I guess I just needed to talk to another women to get a female perspective...I don’t know…Cody went through some pretty fucked up stuff before she disappeared, and I didn’t know how to deal with it–so I asked Ruby’s advice on a couple of occasions, and the last time, Cody walked in at the wrong moment and overhead.”
Standing up, he lifts his board and runs his hand over the surface. “Ouch. That’s not good. No woman wants her personal stuff being spread about, man–you know that, right?”
I let out a sigh. “Of course I do. And the thing she’s most upset about, under normal circumstances, I’d never say a word. But I found out when Ruby was staying with me, and I was in shock, so when I got back home it all just spilled out from my mouth. And I’m kicking myself because I can’t take any of it back.”
He pulls on his wetsuit and pulls at the zip as well before strapping his board to his ankle. “Can I give you some advice?” he asks, as he rights himself.
I shrug. “Let me guess–give her time?”
He shakes his head. “No, mate–be persistent. Paige doesn’t talk about it a lot, but she had a pretty horrific life that I didn’t even find out the half of until after we were married. It took her years of counselling to come to terms with it all. And when we were first together, she did everything she could to try and push me away. But I wouldn’t let her. I knew we were right for each other. She just didn’t think she deserved happiness. But she does–we all do.”
I lean down and pick up my board, ready to go and catch some waves. “I hope you’re right. I don't think I can stand to lose her again.”
He slaps me on my back. “Then don’t,” he says, as he runs toward the surf.
* * *
Dakota
“I hope that the fact I haven’t seen you in a week, means you worked everything out with Brad and have been luxuriating in his loving arms,” Stacey says, the moment she walks inside the house on Monday night.
“Oh shit. I forgot to call you and tell you I didn’t need you tonight!” I exclaim, as I watch her drop her bag on the couch then reach up to twist her long blonde hair into a knot.
“You did not just say that. Please tell me you haven’t gone and messed this all up,” she says, holding her hand up dramatically and closing her eyes as she speaks to me.
I release a scoff from within in my chest and move about the kitchen after cleaning up from Riley’s meal. “I didn’t do anything. He messed this up all by himself.”
“How? How did the one man you’ve been in love with since you were thirteen destroy your relationship?”
I wipe down the benchtop vigorously, scooping crumbs into my hand before dropping them into the flip top bin. “Well, I went to talk to him, and when I got there, I overheard him talking to that girl he works with, Ruby, and they were talking about me. And worse than that, they were talking about Riley.” I lower my voice at the last part so he doesn’t overhear from his room where he’s playing.
“Well, exactly what did you hear them say?”
I run the sponge under hot water and wring it out before placing it in the strainer and wipe my hands on a tea towel. “Oh, I don’t know. It was something about him telling me how he feels about what happened to me, and that he hates that I had you-know-who because of it.”
“What? He said that?”
“No. She did. Which means that he’s been talking to her about it before. And I don’t want people knowing, Stacey. My attack, my son, and Brad’s and my sexual issues are none of her damn business.”
She nods in agreement, making me feel vindicated in my anger. “I see,” she says, and I continue my rant.
“If he needed to talk about those things, he should have been talking to me, instead of running off and telling other people–especially another woman.”
“Isn’t Ruby just his friend?”
“Yes. But…what?” I ask, registering the look on her face. There’s a hint of disapproval there, like she wants to say something but she isn’t.
“Nothing,” she says.
I place my hands on my hips. “No. It’s not nothing. What?”
She lets out a sigh. “It’s just…what are you doing right now?” she asks, lifting her hand to
point at me.
I look around. “I’m cleaning the kitchen,” I state, not understanding where she’s going.
“No. Not that. What are you doing with me?”
“I’m talking to my best friend.”
“Yeah. You are.”
“So?”
She rolls her eyes and walks over to me. “Why is it OK for you to tell me everything that goes on between you, but it isn’t OK for Brad to talk to one of his friends?”
“Because he’s talking about me.”
“And you’re not here talking about him? This is his relationship too. He loves you and anything that happens to you, now, in the past, or in the future as long as you don’t fuck this up, matters to him. Do you expect him to never tell anyone he’s close to about his problems ever again?”
“I…” I start, but I clamp my mouth shut, my cheeks flaming with anger. “Why are you doing this? You’re supposed to be my friend. You’re supposed to understand.”
She folds her arms across her chest. “I am your friend, Cody. I’m your best friend. And I’ve been by your side from the moment this all started. I was there when you met him. I was there while you loved him afar, and I was there when you loved him close up. I was there for you after the attack. I was there for you when you cried over your broken heart and your broken body. I was there when you found out you were pregnant. I was there when you brought the baby home. I have been here, Cody. Every. Step. Of the way. And I’ve loved you like a sister, and I’ve never once been untruthful with you. So when I stand here, and I tell you that you’re being unreasonable, you can trust that I’m telling it like it is. You love Brad. Brad loves you. And now, you have the chance to finally be together, and you’re going to fuck it up because he sought the advice of a close friend–because he did exactly what you’re doing right now? I’m sorry, Cody, I love you, but that’s bullshit, and I won’t be standing by you this time.” She turns around and picks up her bag. “I’m going home,” she says, as she slings it over her shoulder. “Make sure you have a good time tonight. Sanctimoniously alone.”
Taste: Beautiful Series, Book 6 Page 13
