Kennedy laughed and took over back-rubbing duties for a while.
“Okay, I’m here. Sorry I’m late. If you’ve already given birth can we just shove it back in and start over again?”
Kennedy’s head whipped around as Memphis burst into the room, camera in hand and a silly grin on his face. The same grin that made her stomach go crazy and her pulse quicken.
“Don’t anger her,” Joe whispered in warning.
“What are you doing here?” Kennedy asked.
He held up his camera as if it were obvious.
“I’m the baby photographer,” he said, smiling.
“You’re the what?”
“It was his gift to us at the baby shower,” Joe explained. “He took maternity shots of Vanessa, and she hassled him to come here and do the delivery and newborn shots as well.”
“I did not hassle,” Vanessa said, doing her Lamaze breathing at the same time.
“What maternity shots?” Kennedy asked, looking from Memphis to Vanessa.
“Next time you’re at the house I’ll show you. They’re amazing.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked Memphis.
“Because they’re not my pictures,” he answered.
The anesthesiologist came into the room then, looked at each one of them in turn, and shook his head.
“I need everyone out of this room except the mom and dad-to-be.”
“What?” Vanessa cried, sounding panicked. “You can’t kick them out. They’re with me! They’re my people!”
“We’ll just be outside until he drugs you up, okay?” Kennedy brushed Vanessa’s damp bangs off her forehead and gave her a reassuring smile. “We’ll be right back.”
Memphis snapped off a few pictures, something Kennedy was sure Vanessa would kill him for later, and followed her out of the room. She leaned against the wall by the door while Memphis stood on the opposite side, fiddling with his camera.
She didn’t know how to act around him since he left his message. She waited for him to say something, to bring up what had been said or ask her if she had made her choice yet, but he remained silent. In fact he had acted completely normal—as if nothing was wrong and he hadn’t left her that message on her machine.
Was that his game? To show her he could still be him no matter what? If that was it, then why did he basically tell her not to call him until she had made up her mind?
“Do you want kids?” she blurted out.
Memphis screwed up his forehead and looked up at her.
“What?”
“Do you want kids?” she asked again. “Being here—it just made me realize kids aren’t something we’ve ever talked about.”
“Oh.” Memphis shrugged and looked back down at his camera. “Kids are cool.”
She pressed him further. “But do you want any?”
She saw a smirk lift the corners of his mouth, and he asked, “Is this how it works, Kennedy? You make a list of what I want and what he wants, and whichever one of us comes close enough to what you want, that’s who you’ll be with?”
Kennedy couldn’t have felt more hurt if he had reached out and slapped her.
She lowered her head. “I was just asking.”
He sighed and mumbled something under his breath that she couldn’t make out. “I don’t know. The only thought I’ve ever put into babies is to prevent them from happening. Too many babies are brought into this world to people who aren’t ready. But yeah, maybe one day.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “You’re not . . . are you?”
“No!” she cried. “Why would you think that?”
“Well, I wasn’t exactly a boy scout at that cabin.”
Kennedy shook her head, casting her eyes to the floor.
“You don’t have to worry about hearing the pitter-patter of little feet, Memphis.”
“I wasn’t worried.”
She slowly lifted her head and looked at him, and he gave her a half-assed smile.
“Kennedy—”
The door opened and they were told they could go back in. Kennedy waited to see if Memphis was going to finish what he started to say, but when all he did was hold out his arm, indicating she could go in first, she left it alone.
Maybe it was best she didn’t know what he really meant or what he was about to say. Maybe some things were just best left alone when it came to them.
Two hours after the epidural kicked in, Kennedy watched as Vanessa pushed a baby girl into the world. Memphis snapped pictures, laughing as Joe cut the cord and tried not to pass out. Vanessa looked over at her as the nurses washed the baby up and grinned.
“You were right. She’s peanutless.”
Kennedy laughed through her tears and kissed her friend’s cheek. The baby, after posing for pictures with Mom and Dad, was passed around, and Kennedy was sure her womb wept when she held the little bundle in her arms.
“Now do I get to know her name?” she asked.
“We were thinking Samara . . . but I’m not sure now.”
“I think Samara is cute,” Kennedy said, looking down at the most perfect little nose and mouth she had ever seen.
Memphis stood in front of her and clicked away. Kennedy looked up and stepped closer to him.
“Stop hiding behind the camera and hold Samara,” she said, taking the camera out of his hands and trading it for the baby before he could object.
Kennedy watched as he cradled the baby, grinning like someone had just handed him a million dollars. For a man who didn’t know if he wanted kids or not, he sure lit up when he held one. Tears stung her eyes again at the picture Memphis made with a baby in his arms, and suddenly everything clicked.
Everything she wanted was standing right in front of her. There was no one else she would rather have it all with but Memphis.
She watched as he handed Samara back to Vanessa and then made excuses about having to go.
“I need to go, too,” Kennedy jumped in, grabbing her purse and jacket from the chair. “She’s so beautiful. Congrats, you guys.”
She hurried from the room and caught up with Memphis down the hall.
“I know what I want,” she announced to his back. Memphis stopped, and she waited for him to turn around before she continued. “I want everything in that room that we just witnessed. I want a baby . . . a family. And I want it with you.”
Memphis looked away from her toward the hospital exit, watching people leave before looking at her again.
“What if I can’t give you what you want, Kennedy?” he asked. “What if I’m not made to be the type of man Joe is? Would you still want me?”
Kennedy moved closer to him and shook her head.
“I saw you in there, Memphis. I saw the way your eyes lit up when you held that baby. You would be an amazing father if that’s what you wanted.”
“And what if it’s not what I wanted? Would you still want me?” he asked again.
“Goddamn it, Memphis!” she cried. “I’m standing here telling you that I’ve made a choice, and you’re trying to talk me out of it?”
“No. I’m trying to get you to understand that if you choose me, you get what you see. I don’t know what my life is going to be like in ten years. I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing. I don’t know if there will be kids I’ll be running around to soccer practice or if I’ll still be riding around on my bike, carefree. That’s what I need you to understand, Kennedy. With me there are no plans, no set goals. It’s a one-day-at-a-time adventure.”
“Everyone needs plans,” she scoffed. “You have plans!”
“Not life-changing plans like you’re talking about.” Memphis took a step closer to her and reached out to brush the hair off her face like he had done so many times before. Kennedy closed her eyes, fighting against the tears. “I’m not saying no, Kennedy. I’m just saying I don’t know. Can you live with that? Can you live with not knowing if you’ll ever get all the things you want?”
“I can’t live without you,” she whisper
ed, burying her face in his chest.
“You’ll never have to live without me,” he said. “But I also don’t think you can live without possibly having everything in that room.”
“Memphis . . .”
“It’s something you need to really think about, Kennedy. You deserve to have everything you want.”
He kissed the top of her head and moved out of her arms as he turned and walked away without another word.
Kennedy eventually forced herself to move and walk to her car. She wasn’t sure what had just happened. Did Memphis just give up? Was he telling her to stay with Brooks?
She thought she had it all figured out. She thought she would tell Memphis that it was him, they would kiss and hug, she would end it with Brooks, and everything would be the way it should be. The way she wanted it to be.
She was more confused than ever.
She went home and tried calling him, but he either still didn’t have a new cell phone or he was avoiding her. She dialed his landline, but he didn’t answer there either.
The pattern continued for the next couple of days until finally he responded to one of her texts and told her he was going back to Alaska to finish up the project there and would be gone until Christmas.
Her heart sank as she read the words, and she knew it wasn’t just work that was taking him away. He needed his space, and apparently out of the country in the cold tundra of Alaska was as far away as he could get.
The weeks passed with the occasional text and phone call, but they were short and clipped and almost uncomfortable. She couldn’t take back her confession, and because he knew what was really on her mind, she feared it was driving him away.
Kennedy also knew it didn’t help matters that she still hadn’t officially broken things off with Brooks. She knew she needed to find the courage to do it, but every time she tried, she kept thinking of him and that damn umbrella, and the affection and love she felt for him then made her feel guilty for not trying harder and just throwing their years together away. It also didn’t help that the more she saw of him, the more he reminded her of when they first started dating. She knew she wasn’t in love with him anymore, but deep down she still loved him. Or at least she loved the man he was once again trying to be.
He still came around, and they went out every once in a while when his schedule allowed it. Memphis never asked anymore if they were still seeing each other, and she never volunteered the information.
It also didn’t help that Brooks thought things were great with them and was even talking about taking a trip together the following year. She knew it was a horrible thing to lead him on, but she convinced herself that it would be cruel to dump him right before Christmas and would be better to wait until after the holidays.
It was a poor, pathetic excuse, if she were being honest with herself. It didn’t matter when she did it; it was still going to hurt him. But it just seemed more kind to wait until after. Why ruin his holiday?
Memphis texted her on Christmas Eve and let her know he would be home later that night. He asked if they could get together some time the next day if she wasn’t busy. She planned to spend the night with Brooks, but Christmas was still up in the air. He had to be on call, so making plans that might not happen was pointless. She told Memphis she could be at his place any time he wanted.
That night as she wrapped the last gift and set it under the tree to take to Vanessa later, Brooks knocked on her door. They had decided to stay in—Kennedy would cook their meal for a change, something she hadn’t done for the two of them in a while. All things considered, she wasn’t in the mood to continue their tradition of Chinese food.
“Merry Christmas,” he said when she opened the door. He quickly brushed his lips against her cheek—that was as far as she had allowed the intimacy to go—and swooped in with shopping bags full of groceries. “I think I got everything you said you needed.”
“Great.”
She followed him into the kitchen and noticed two dessert boxes on the counter. She went to take a peek when Brooks grabbed her hands and pulled her away.
“That’s a surprise,” he said. “No peeking.”
Kennedy eyed the boxes suspiciously.
“You know how I feel about surprises, Brooks. And what am I supposed to be surprised over? I know it’s a cake. Chocolate or vanilla? Buttercream or cream-cheese frosting?” She giggled. “Is that the surprise?”
“Never mind,” he said, directing her away from the boxes.
She helped him unpack the bags and then set to work getting everything ready. She started chopping peppers while Brooks tore up lettuce for a salad.
“Did you make plans for tomorrow yet?”
“Um, yeah. Memphis is back, so I’m going to go over there some time. And I might swing by Vanessa’s—if they’re going to be around—to drop off their gifts,” she added, not actually having any plans to do so until that second, but it sounded better that she was going to be in a couple of different places rather than just with Memphis.
“I haven’t seen the baby yet. Maybe I can come with you.”
Kennedy tossed the peppers into the skillet, cursing under her breath for lying and trapping herself in a corner. But when had Brooks ever wanted to go to Vanessa and Joe’s with her? She couldn’t remember a single time he had asked.
“Sure. You know, if they’re home.”
“Unless you don’t want me to tag along.” He could sense her hesitation.
Kennedy looked over her shoulder at him, and asked, “Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged. “You don’t seem too excited about the idea.”
“What do you want me to do? Jump up and down and throw a parade?” she asked, and turned back to the stove.
“I’ve noticed you haven’t been spending a lot of time with Memphis anymore.” Kennedy balked and stopped stirring the sauce. “Did something happen? Did you two have a fight?”
“Not exactly,” she said, turning the temperature down on the burner.
“Well, something must have happened to cause a rift between the two of you. You guys are connected at the hip.”
If only he had any idea how connected they had been.
“He’s been busy with the Alaska thing and I’ve been . . . trying to work on some new pieces. We’re just busy.”
“Too busy to talk to each other?”
“Why do you suddenly care if I’m not talking to Memphis?” she asked, turning to face him. “You don’t even like him, so I would think the less time I spent with him, the happier you would be.”
“Is that what you think?” Brooks stopped slicing onions and eyed her over the counter. “Yes, it’s no secret I’m not a big Memphis fan, but he’s important to you, and you’re important to me, so I guess that means I have to deal with him.”
“And you’ve dealt with him so well up until now,” she said sarcastically as she reached for the wine he’d brought and poured a glass.
“I was just curious what was going on between the two of you. You don’t have to get snarky about it.”
Kennedy drained the glass and set it down with a little more force than she intended.
“Can we not talk about Memphis, please?”
Brooks looked at the wineglass, then up at her, and shrugged.
“Sure.”
They finished preparing their meal in mostly silence, only speaking when one needed something from the other. Brooks tried to engage her in conversation during the meal, asking about her work and what she was currently painting, when she planned to do another show, and if she was happy still having Ryder’s representation.
Kennedy frowned at that question and twirled her spaghetti around her fork.
“What kind of question is that?” she asked. “I love working with Ryder.”
“I just thought you might be interested in working with another gallery.” He paused. “Maybe somewhere outside of Vancouver.”
“Ryder has a lot of connections, Brooks.”
“I know, but it wouldn’t hurt to look into something on your own, would it?”
“I’m happy where I am in my career, Brooks.” It was the other parts of her life that were totally fucked up.
The question nagged at Kennedy for reasons she couldn’t explain, and she watched him closely as he ate. Something seemed off and she couldn’t say what it was, but in the pit of her stomach things didn’t feel right.
“While I was in Montreal, I couldn’t help but think of how much you’d enjoy the city. There’s so much old history, places you’d love to explore and find creatively inspiring.”
Kennedy nodded. “Ryder said Old Montreal is something to see. Exactly what you said: beautiful, inspiring, lively.”
“So you’d be interested in seeing it one day?” he questioned, casually.
Kennedy reached for her wineglass. “Sure. One day.”
She watched him over the rim of her glass as she sipped, and saw a smug, satisfied smile settle on his lips.
The nagging feeling intensified, becoming increasingly harder to ignore.
“Do I get to find out what that surprise is now?” she asked after dinner, hoping a change of subject would settle her nerves.
“Why don’t you go into the living room, and I’ll bring it to you.”
Kennedy furrowed her brow at his behavior but didn’t argue and went to wait in the living room. She impatiently flipped through a magazine, her anxiety growing by the minute.
She didn’t like surprises; she never had. Surprises could make things very complicated and messy. Rarely anything good came out of them, in her experience.
“Did you lose your way?” she called to him, and heard him chuckle.
“Close your eyes.”
Oh, this wasn’t good. The only thing worse than a surprise was one she had to close her eyes for.
“Brooks—”
“Just do it.”
Kennedy puffed her cheeks and squeezed her eyes shut.
“Are they closed?”
“Uh-huh.”
She heard him set something down and then take a seat beside her.
“Okay. Open your mouth.”
Kennedy laughed.
Risking It All Page 25
