“Back there,” Connor said as he drew back slightly and pointed to a hallway just past the kitchen. Zane wrapped his hand around Connor’s and tugged him in that direction. His eyes took in the small space that was surprisingly clean and well decorated. There were lots of pictures and though very little of the furniture matched, it still seemed to somehow fit perfectly together. The bright blue paint on the walls was pretty and was a perfect contrast to the natural wood floors. It was clear that Connor’s belongings spoke of his strained financial situation but he’d clearly put in a lot of effort to make his apartment a home. The only thing that really stood out was the positioning of a few wooden handrails on several of the walls…they looked like old staircase railings and Zane assumed they helped Connor move around more easily when he wasn’t wearing his prosthesis.
Like in the living room, there was already a light on in the bedroom. There was just a full size bed and a dresser in the room but it too was neat and well lived in. He thought about his own spacious apartment and wondered what the pristine white walls would look like if they had the same bright washes of color on them. How much more comfortable would his living room be if the furniture looked soft and inviting instead of hip and modern?
Zane released Connor’s hand long enough to tug his own jacket off. Connor stood awkwardly near the bed and it saddened Zane to realize that Connor still wasn’t a hundred percent trusting of what was happening. He took Connor’s hand again and maneuvered him until he was sitting down on the bed and then he dropped to his knees and reached for Connor’s shoes. He worked them off and then skimmed his hands up along Connor’s jeans until he reached the button. It took only a moment to get the button free and draw the zipper down and then his fingers were gripping the waistband.
“Lift up,” he said softly and he drew the pants down when Connor lifted his hips. Once he had them off, his eyes fell on Connor’s prosthesis. He looked up to see Connor studying him.
“Will you take it off?” Zane asked.
There was only a brief hesitation on Connor’s part before he reached down and began the process of removing the prosthesis. His movements were quick and efficient but he stilled as he reached what Zane assumed was the last step – removing the sleeve that covered what remained of Connor’s leg. He waited patiently and heard Connor draw in a deep breath and then that too was gone. The first thing Zane noticed about Connor’s leg was that it looked raw and irritated. He wondered if that was a normal thing or if it was part of the reason Connor had been planning on getting a new prosthesis. But he kept his questions to himself as he lifted himself and reached for the comforter. He held out his hand for Connor to help him balance as Zane pulled the cover back. Connor released him and climbed into the bed, his movements fluid and graceful. Zane crawled in after him and wasn’t surprised when Connor turned so his back was to him. It wasn’t enough to deter Zane from his original goal and he simply wrapped his arm around Connor’s waist and dragged him backwards until their bodies were drawn up tight against one another.
They lay like that for a while and Zane only spoke when he was certain that the tension in Connor’s frame meant he wasn’t asleep yet.
“Did it happen during the bombing?”
Connor eventually nodded. “It’s permanent,” he said quietly. “I can’t tell when an episode is about to happen and I never remember them afterwards.”
“How often do they happen?”
“It varies. Sometimes I can go weeks without having one and other times I’ll have two in one day,” Connor said matter-of-factly. The way he said it had Zane wondering if Connor was trying to scare him off.
“And your doctors can’t do anything?” Zane asked.
“They can’t even really agree what it is. They keep telling me that the brain is such a mystery that it’s hard to pinpoint exactly where the damage is. So most of what they come up with is just speculation. I tried a couple different kind of drugs early on but nothing helped. They said I’d just have to learn to live with it.”
Zane let his fingers drift under Connor’s shirt to rest against his belly. Fingers closed over his hand but didn’t try to move it. After several moments, he slipped his hand up to Connor’s chest so he could roll him onto his back. Connor’s eyes connected with his and Zane could still see the humiliation in them…like somehow Zane thought less of him now. Before Connor could turn back on his side again, Zane shifted so that one of his legs covered Connor’s and he leaned his weight on his elbow so that he hovered above him.
“That day in the storeroom,” he began to say and he felt Connor stiffen beneath him. “That wasn’t the first time Jason took advantage of the situation, was it?”
Connor swallowed hard but finally shook his head.
“Tell me,” he urged gently though his gut was already knotted with anxiety as he remembered that not taking advantage of Connor’s affliction had been his only condition in their sexual relationship.
“I met him down by the waterfront earlier this year. He was there with some friends and I was meeting Jagger’s mom for lunch. Jagger was still overseas but his mom had welcomed me with open arms when I moved here after I was discharged. I wasn’t really interested in Jason at first but he was persistent. Our first few dates were actually pretty fun but every once in a while he’d say something to put me down…it was always really subtle and I would convince myself that I’d just misunderstood. I slept with him for the first time about a month after we started dating…”
Connor’s voice trailed off and Zane realized he was debating just how much to say.
“I’d told him about my leg up front and the brain injury too, but he swore up and down that it didn’t matter. He told me he loved me on our third date – I guess that should have been my first clue. The first time he witnessed one of my episodes was when he took me to a baseball game. I guess I got confused about where we were and said some stuff that embarrassed him. We got into a huge fight when he took me home and I told him to leave.”
“Did he hurt you?” Zane asked carefully.
Connor’s eyes shifted to the ceiling. “He hit me…God, I was such a cliché,” Connor muttered. “I told him to get out. He kept texting and calling to say how sorry he was and he showed up the next day begging me to forgive him. I made excuses in my head that my episode had caused the whole thing.”
“Why did you-”
“Stay?” Connor interrupted. Zane managed a nod.
“Same reason most people stay in that kind of relationship, I guess. I didn’t think I could do better…or that I even deserved better. And he knew how to chip away at my confidence, bring out my insecurities. I didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten until it was too late.”
When Connor didn’t continue, Zane said, “You can tell me anything, Connor.”
Connor hesitated but then said, “Jason was pretty rough in bed but the few times I said anything he brushed it off. I always suspected he might be cheating on me so I insisted he use condoms every time even though he didn’t want to. We’d been together about three months…”
Connor’s voice cracked and he closed his eyes. “I just remember coming out of this fog and I was laying on his bedroom floor and I could feel him inside me. I told him he was hurting me but he kept going. He had my hands pinned and I was on my stomach so I couldn’t push him off. I knew right away he wasn’t wearing a condom. After he was done, all I could do was lay there. I asked him why he’d done it and he tried to convince me that I had asked him to do it…that I’d wanted it like that.”
Zane lifted a hand to wipe away the silent tears that were streaking down Connor’s face.
“Did you tell anyone?” he asked gently.
Connor shook his head violently. “Who was going to believe a guy who was lucky if he could remember his own name during something like that?” Connor bit out. “I told him I never wanted to see him again.”
“So he started stalking you.”
Connor didn’t answer but Zane didn’t need him
to. He’d gotten enough information from Jagger and Declan when he’d been dealing with the Sutter’s lawsuit to know that Jason Sutter had been going after Connor long before he attacked him in the storeroom.
“Connor-”
“I’m really tired, Zane,” Connor whispered as he turned his head away. Zane could tell Connor was emotionally done so he released his hold long enough so that Connor could shift back on his side and away from him. But as soon as Connor was done moving, he wrapped his arm back around Connor’s waist and held him there until his even breathing told Zane that he’d fallen asleep.
***
Connor squeezed his eyes shut when he heard the hated ringtone on his phone. He probably should have thought to remove the phone from his jeans before Zane had taken them off him last night but he’d been too worn out to even think about it. And now he just didn’t care.
Zane had left him.
Again.
Tears threatened to fall from his already stinging eyes but he sucked in a deep breath and forced them away. He’d cried enough last night after admitting his darkest secrets to Zane. He’d let Zane get close to him – told him things he’d never told anyone including Jagger. And Zane had held him all night. Connor only knew that because he’d woken up at four in the morning and found himself pressed up against Zane’s side. Zane hadn’t turned the light off so Connor knew he’d likely just fallen asleep before he could leave but Connor had taken full advantage of the oversight and spent the better part of an hour just watching him sleep before he’d fallen back asleep himself. It had been a heady experience but when he’d opened his eyes again, he’d known immediately that Zane was gone even though Connor had once again been facing the wall.
Sex, he reminded himself. That was all it had been about. Zane had felt sorry for him last night and that was it. It had been foolish to read more into it than that.
The phone rang again and Connor let out a curse and flipped over. He dragged himself across the bed and dropped down and grabbed his pants off the floor. He ripped the phone from the back pocket of his jeans and silenced it, then threw it across the room so that it landed in the hallway. The vibrating was still annoying but he knew eventually it would stop. His voicemail would likely be full but the press of a couple buttons would take care of that.
Connor rolled back over but felt something brush against his back. He reached behind him for the offending object and managed to close his hand around it without having to waste more energy moving again. His heart sped up as he recognized the piece of paper from the pad he kept on his kitchen counter. It was folded over so he opened it and then sucked in a breath.
Had an early meeting at work. Our motel, 1pm. Your rules.
Connor sat up as focused on the last two words.
Your rules.
***
Connor searched out the corner of the motel room as soon as he opened the door but was surprised to see that Zane wasn’t sitting in his chair. He’d seen the Audi sitting outside so he knew Zane was here. A glance to his right showed that Zane was standing near the window. Connor closed the door but was glad that the slight crack in the curtains allowed enough light for him to still see the other man. Concern went through him when Zane just stared at him. He looked…agitated. It was a far cry from the cool detachment he’d always exhibited in their previous encounters.
“You came,” Zane muttered.
If Zane hadn’t looked so serious, Connor would have made a play on words with Zane’s comment. So he settled for nodding instead.
Zane was silent for a long time before he finally said, “Rules?”
“Same rules as before. I don’t need them to change,” Connor said quietly. “You have your reasons for them and that’s enough for me.”
Zane dropped his gaze and opened his clenched fists and started shaking them as if he were trying to get the feeling back into them. It made Connor wonder how long Zane had been standing there and obsessing over the rules he’d assumed Connor would bring with him.
“Why me?” Zane suddenly asked as his eyes lifted. Connor remembered that Zane had asked him the same question in the garage the night Connor had agreed to his rules. But somehow answering the same way he had then felt wrong…that the flippant retort about whether or not it mattered wasn’t what Zane needed to hear. He still had no clue what was going on with Zane but he was clearly struggling with something.
“Because I trust you. And because when you touch me I actually feel normal instead of like a freak.”
“You’re not a freak, you’re perfect…you could have anyone you wanted,” Zane said softly.
Connor’s stomach dropped out at Zane’s words but he managed a smile. “Believe me, that isn’t true,” Connor responded.
“That piece of shit Sutter-”
“My problems started long before Jason,” Connor interrupted. “I’ve only been with three other men and only one actually came close to being considered a relationship. Sex always seemed like an unnecessary evil that I had to get through just to see if I could make it work with someone. But with you…”
Connor shook his head and fell silent. He could see that his words were making things worse because Zane started clenching his fists again.
“I can’t give you more than this, Connor,” he said, his frustration clear as he motioned to the ugly little room. “I just can’t.”
The words stung but Connor managed a nod. “I swear, I don’t need more.”
Zane ran his hands through his hair and then shook his head almost violently. When he suddenly began striding forward, Connor knew he’d lost him and he stepped out of the way so Zane would be able to make his escape unimpeded. But Zane bypassed the door and before Connor could open his mouth to speak, Zane’s hand wrapped around the back of his neck and his lips slammed down on Connor’s.
***
Kissing Connor was a bad idea on so many levels but Zane had already dug himself so deeply into the other man that he couldn’t make himself stop…or regret it for that matter. Connor’s squeak of shock registered as Zane’s tongue swept past his parted lips but his recovery was quick. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that Connor kissed the same way he fucked – with every part of himself. His hot tongue welcomed Zane’s almost instantly and he felt fingers digging into his sides a moment later. But Connor’s hands didn’t stay there for long as Connor began pushing his suit jacket over his shoulders. It meant that Zane had to release his hold long enough to shrug the jacket free and Connor pressed his advantage and maneuvered them so Zane’s back was pressed up against the door. But when fingers began working his tie loose, Zane grabbed Connor’s face with both his hands and he tore his mouth away. The look of disappointment that went through Connor had Zane reaching down to brush a quick kiss over Connor’s lips before he drew back once more.
“Did I hurt you yesterday morning?” Zane whispered.
“No,” Connor quickly answered.
“I didn’t mean to be so rough but when I saw your text-”
“No,” Connor said. “It was amazing. Yeah, I was upset afterwards…”
Zane nodded since no further explanation was necessary – he’d deserved every bit of Connor’s anger. As he felt Connor’s fingers reaching for his tie once again, Zane released his face and leaned his head back against the door, closing his eyes as Connor began to work his magic on him. He couldn’t prevent the shudder that went through him when he felt Connor slowly popping the buttons on his shirt free and he actually sucked in a breath when his shirt parted and warm lips grazed his flesh. All the blood rushed from his brain to his dick and he didn’t even bother to stifle his moan of pleasure when Connor’s tongue flicked over one of his nipples.
Hot hands stroked down his sides and then traveled up his back. Connor’s mouth laved his other nipple with the same agonizingly blissful torture. He had no idea how long the sensual torment went on for but he stiffened when he felt Connor working the buttons of his shirt cuffs free. He still had time to stop what was about to
happen but he kept his mouth shut as he watched Connor pull the sleeve free of one of his arms. He saw Connor stiffen at the sight of the scars running along Zane’s inner forearm but instead of looking up at Zane with the questions he undoubtedly had, Connor trailed his fingers over the white circular marks briefly before he began working the other sleeve loose. The scars on his other arm received the same gentle treatment and then Connor’s hands were on the move, skimming up his arms, over his shoulders and then down his chest.
Zane managed to come to his senses long enough to help Connor with the lightweight jacket he was wearing in place of his hoodie. The second Connor’s T-shirt was off, Zane drew him up so their chests were flush and then he sealed his mouth over Connor’s once more. And as Connor fervently returned his kiss, Zane knew deep down in his bones that he was completely fucked because now that he’d tasted Connor, he knew just once wouldn’t be enough.
***
Heat poured through Connor’s entire system as Zane’s tongue twined with his. The second Zane’s lips had touched his, Connor had tried to process what it meant. But when he got his first taste of Zane’s mouth, every thought left his brain except the one telling him he needed more. Even now he wasn’t willing to release Zane’s mouth so instead of dropping to his knees like he’d planned after his exploration of Zane’s wide chest, Connor simply reached his hand into Zane’s pants and began stroking him.
“Fuck,” Zane muttered against his mouth and then Connor felt himself being lifted. Zane’s hands were wrapped around the backs of his thighs and even though Connor’s leg made it difficult to wrap himself completely around Zane like he wanted to, he never once worried that Zane would lose his grip. Connor managed to keep his hold on Zane’s cock even as Zane crossed the room and lowered him to the bed. He was finally forced to release him when Zane began kissing his way down Connor’s body. The sensation almost became unbearable as Zane explored every inch of him. He closed his eyes when he felt Zane’s hand rubbing his dick through his pants and willed himself not to come but when Zane’s fingers worked his shaft free of the confining jeans and sucked him deep into his mouth, Connor reached his hand down to try to draw Zane off.
Freeing Zane (Barretti Security Series, Book 4) Page 7
