Just…nothing.
They had both let her down. All the way down.
She leaned her head on the comforter. “God? Are you there?” she whispered.
For a long time she remained on the floor, her head resting against the bed with her eyes closed. Her heart ached and her soul cried out for relief—anything, some touch of comfort from her best Friend.
None came, and at last she drew a deep breath and raised herself off the floor.
She spoke into the empty room, her voice flat. “I’m through talking into the air.”
Chapter 7
THAT WAS THE DAY ALISSA stopped praying and laid her Bible aside. Why bother?
She’d walked away from God. And she’d been walking away ever since. Problems? Just leave them lay. Confrontation? Nope, not going there either.
Looking back now, she saw that she’d become a pro at taking the path of least resistance. Unwilling to risk being hurt by the bad, afraid of failing at anything that promised to be positive, she simply avoided everything.
She’d turned down excellent employment offers, certain the rug would be jerked out from under her if she dared to hope for something that good. Relationships didn’t stand a chance…if one threatened to become overly serious, she broke it off. She allowed no one to get too close. Acquaintances she had aplenty—her students’ parents, other teachers, friends of the family. Lots of folks moved around and about her, good people who tried to reach out and draw her in, but Alissa didn’t want close friends. Friends couldn’t be counted on.
And now she’d discovered this horrible, hurtful truth about her brother. If even family couldn’t be trusted, then what was left?
Open the Book.
She started, and then smiled a little, looking forward to a time when God’s voice didn’t catch her off guard. The girl she’d been ‘before Oregon’ heard that voice often, had in fact sought it out. It felt good to know she and God were on speaking terms again, after such a long period of silence.
Maybe she’d never know why He hadn’t answered her back then, hadn’t let her have Scott—the one thing she’d wanted most at that time in her life. But she was a little closer to trusting that He’d done what was best for her when He said ‘no.’
Not no. Just ‘not now.’
“God…?”
To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.
Alissa sat, stunned. He hadn’t said no. He’d said ‘wait’?
I make everything beautiful in My time, daughter. In My time. Now…open the Book.
Trembling beneath the weight of the revelation she’d just experienced, Alissa stood the Bible on its spine in her lap and let it fall open…and then gasped. One verse almost literally jumped out at her…it glowed as if somehow lit from behind. The verses around it faded to a blur, leaving one passage of scripture stark and bold.
Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
For in the same way you judge others,
you will be judged, and with the
measure you use, it will be
measured to you.
~Matthew 7:1-2~
She hung her head. “God, I’m sorry. I get it, and I seriously dislike judgmental attitudes. But I’m just so angry at Doug. I know he was just a boy. I know that. But he’s my brother. He saw how badly I was hurting. He knew that I cried for weeks, hid myself away in my room and basically became a different person. Why would he do what he did?”
As if in answer to her distraught question, another verse came to mind.
When I was a child, I talked like a child,
I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.
Had the answers she needed been waiting in God’s word all the time? Did the whole truth behind the lost years with Scott lie in the fact that Doug had been a boy…a fun-loving, sister-teasing, joke-playing boy, without the ability to foresee the consequences of his actions?
Maybe it had all been a part of God’s plan. She and Scott were so young back then, and they lived so far apart. She couldn’t honestly know that the relationship would have lasted even if Doug never pulled such a thoughtless prank.
Alissa hauled in a deep, deep breath, one that clawed at her lungs as it passed through. None of it mattered anyway. It hadn’t worked then, and it wouldn’t work now. Scott had a wife, and no matter how far she’d strayed from God in the past years, that was a line she’d never cross.
Man looks on the outward appearance. I look on the heart—Your heart…Doug’s heart…and Scott’s.
She gasped. What?
“I don’t understand. Scott’s heart? He’s married, Lord. What more is there to know?”
Do you know his heart?
The question shook her to the core. She didn’t know Scott’s heart. They’d been apart too long. Alissa knew little about his circumstances or where his heart lay regarding most subjects—big or small. Was it wrong that she wanted to know him better, even though…?
For the first time in years, she fell to her knees, seeking the guidance she’d rejected for so long. Tears wet her face as she opened her heart and let God in to dust away the years of neglect. His love cleansed away the bitterness and pain of Doug’s deception, strengthened her for whatever lay ahead with Scott…or for the possibility that nothing might come of this second encounter with the boy she’d loved and lost a long time ago. Maybe this meeting was orchestrated by God simply to give her peace about the past.
But she found some hope in the words He’d spoken into her heart. Not no…just not now.
By the time she rose from her knees and returned the old Bible to its place behind the podium, Alissa felt lighter. Free of the bitterness and regret that were years in the making, she’d found room in her heart for forgiveness and strength to start over.
Leaving the chapel wasn’t easy. The peace and comfort that lay within the little house of worship called to her soul, but she had work to do back at the inn. Outside, she walked fast to combat the overwhelming cold. With every long stride, she thought about that special time with God in the chapel.
Maybe she should have lingered a little longer after all. Scott would almost certainly be waiting at the inn. She’d almost rather stay outside until she turned to a popsicle, rather than go inside. Not seeing him again at all would be her preference. She certainly didn’t want to look into his heart.
A firm check in her spirit halted that line of thought, and she sighed. “Okay, I get it. I’ll schedule a trip into the heart of Scott Lowell…if he’ll let me. Hearts are a rather private space, as You know, Lord.”
No answer. Maybe He didn’t think that comment required one.
At ten o’clock, Scott seated himself in the lobby, directly across from the staircase Alissa always used. When she hadn’t come down by eleven, he got a little antsy. Twice, he started upstairs, set on knocking on her door, but stopped and turned back both times.
She’d locked herself away for two days after their first, accidental encounter in the lobby. Now that she knew he was married, she might never come down again—at least, not until he departed the inn…and the state. What the dickens had made him think he needed to lead with, “I have a wife,” instead of building up to that part of the story?
He hadn’t counted on not getting a chance to explain that he’d married as a very young man—too young to be a soldier in a war he barely understood, and certainly too young to be a husband—and for reasons that probably wouldn’t be a good choice in God’s eyes.
After his first deployment to Afghanistan, he returned to the States emotionally broken. Despite the rigid training prior to being sent to action, he found himself completely unprepared for the devastation and carnage he’d witnessed—and been a part of.
Back on base, he withdrew into a debilitating funk. Only the constant support of someone he’d befriended during boot camp kept him right-side-up. Bellamy Ennis, a quirky female private, pr
oved herself a true friend, and showed Scott that platonic relationships were indeed possible. She’d become more like a sister than a friend he’d known only a short time.
She’d fallen in love with a man she met on a weekend away from base. Scott didn’t know the guy, but if Bell loved him, he must be okay.
Then one evening she asked Scott to walk with her after their mess hall dinner. She was uncharacteristically quiet, and Scott didn’t mind walking without a bunch of chatter. He was climbing out of the debilitating depression that had claimed him, but not quite ready to do much talking.
Bell waited until they were a good distance from base, then she took his arm and pulled him off the walking trail. Under cover of the sparse woods that lined the trails, she fell apart—sniffling, then weeping softly, and finally just outright sobbing. Scott had no idea how to handle a distraught female, but he held her until she stopped crying and met his confused gaze.
That’s when she popped the question, right out of the blue. “I don’t suppose you’d consider marrying me, would you, Scottie?”
“M-marry you? Bell, what the heck!”
She dropped her gaze. “I’m pregnant, and…well, my dad’s always made it clear what he thinks of ‘that kind of girl.’ He and Mom, they’ll never forgive me. I can’t go home.” She hitched in a shaky breath or two, clearly trying not to fall to pieces again. “Please, Scottie…will you marry me? I don’t expect us to be a family—I know that’s not the kind of relationship we have, and I’m not looking for that from you. I just…” Bell choked over the brutal facts. “I just need your name. My child will not bear the name of his—or her—biological father.”
“Kenny?”
She nodded, and he shook his head. “I guess I don’t understand. You two are dating, right?”
“We’re through. He told me to get rid of the baby, and I won’t do that. He also made it crystal clear that he doesn’t want to be a father—not now, not ever. Scott, he actually asked if I’m really sure this is his child!”
Scott’s stomach clenched. What a jerk! Bell utterly adored the man.
Why hadn’t he bothered to check him out himself? But he knew the answer—because he’d been buried under a world of darkness. Not that it would have mattered to Bell. She’d been crazy about the guy from the first time they met. Nothing Scott could have said would’ve changed her mind.
Scott wanted to choke him.
“This marriage…how long, Bell?”
“Until one of us needs out, I guess.”
“Okay. I’ll do it…for you and the baby.”
So far, neither of them had needed out. He hadn’t heard from Bell in a while. He had her contact information, and they exchanged Christmas cards every year, in addition to the gift Scott always sent for her daughter—Scotlyn. Scottie for short. He still choked up a little when he thought about Bell naming her precious baby after him.
There’d been something in his mail basket from her before he left home, but he hadn’t taken time to open it. Christmas was approaching—it was most likely her annual ‘hello-how-are-you.’ She didn’t usually send her cards in a manila envelope, but every few years the package included a photo of herself and Scottie, and those came in padded manila packaging.
He cast one last, wishful glance at the staircase, then stood and walked to the door. Maybe he’d get out and do something fun in Hope Creek. The little town oozed charm. No point hiding away in the inn on the off-chance Lissy might decide to speak to him again.
Or I could call Bell and take care of the situation.
He jerked to a stop just shy of the door, shocked by the sudden simple answer to his dilemma. Why hadn’t he done it already? Last night would have been a good time—after Lissy ran out of the dining room as if she thought he’d chase her down and force her to listen to his explanation.
He turned and headed back toward his room. No time like the present to take care of yesterday’s mistake.
An icy gust of wind blew into the room when the door whooshed opened behind him.
“S-Scott?”
Lissy?
He whirled and rushed to her side.
“Where in the world have you been? You look like a popsicle!”
For some reason, she found that hilarious. Her sweet giggle knocked the air right of his lungs.
“It’s c-c-cold out there.”
Then a gigantic shiver—no, a ferocious shudder—shook her entire frame.
Scott scooped her up into his arms and strode to the huge fireplace in the center of the lobby. He caught the receptionist’s startled gaze and started barking orders.
“Get me some blankets. Quick! And hot tea or soup. We’ve got to get her warm, fast.”
Chapter 8
“SCOTT LOWELL! PUT ME DOWN this instant.” Alissa cast a mortified glance around the lobby. “You’re embarrassing me. Everyone is watching us!”
To her further mortification, Scott did not simply set her back on her feet—he dumped her unceremoniously on the sofa.
“Sorry.” Out came that mischievous sparkle in his eyes. Up went one eyebrow and down came the other. “But I gotta say, you look pretty cute with that pink in your cheeks.”
“You…stop it!” She didn’t doubt her cheeks were pink. Unlike the rest of her, they weren’t the least bit chilly. “I appreciate your concern, I do, but I really am okay. It’s just crazy cold out there and—” To her own surprise, she giggled. Right in the middle of what she’d intended to be a heated tirade, she giggled. Maybe she wasn’t as ‘all right’ as she thought. “Well, I kind of feel like a popsicle, and if you don’t mind, I’d like to get up to my room and get warmed up.”
The few guests who had wandered over to check on her started to dissipate. Thank God! She couldn’t breathe with all those eyes on her.
Scott sighed. “Well, if you say you’re okay I guess you are, but…” He grasped her hands—both of them bluish and icy cold—and rubbed them between his own very warm ones. “Lissy, you’re way too cold.”
“Well, I wouldn’t be if you’d let me get upstairs and under a hot shower.”
She jumped to her feet…and swayed. Every ounce of energy drained from her body. Only then did she realize that she felt a whole lot more like swoon than swagger.
“Come on, let me help you up the stairs.”
She wanted to argue, but she couldn’t afford to—she was barely standing on legs that had gone a wee tad noodlish.
Maybe she had gotten colder than was healthy.
Scott hiked a brow and offered his elbow.
With a resigned sigh, she took it. “Thank you.”
“Any time, ma’am.”
At her door, she gave him a sheepish look. He’d been right all along, and she read him off like a ticker tape reel for trying to help. “I’m not at all sure I could’ve made it up without you, Scott. I’m glad you’re here.” She shook her head. “I just don’t understand. All this, because I got a little too cold?”
“You weren’t just cold, sweetheart. You’re a word master. I know you’ve heard of hypothermia.” He chuckled and raised a hand when she glared and opened her mouth, ready to protest. “I’m not saying you were there, but you were way too cold for my comfort, and I know you don’t want to admit it, but you’re a little weak right now, aren’t you?”
“I’m fine. I just need to rest.”
He shook his head. “Have you always been this stubborn?”
She laughed softly. “Sorry.”
“Look, I hate to push, but can I check on you in an hour or so? I’m not going to relax until I know you’re really all right.”
She rolled her eyes. “Scott, please just go…do whatever you’d planned to do today. I’m going to take a short nap. When I wake up, I’ll let you know I’m still alive and kicking.”
He didn’t even smile. “Don’t forget. I’ll want to hear your voice.”
“Seriously?” A little half-grin softened the not-entirely-lighthearted accusation. “Overprotective some?”<
br />
“Overprotective a lot.” He took a step back. “Go on. Get your shower and go to bed.”
“I will.” She stepped inside the room, then turned back. “What are you doing today?”
He shrugged. “Nothing special. I was thinking about making a trip into Hope Creek, just to look around a little.”
“Oh.” She made a wry face. “I wanted to do that too, but I guess I’ll have to plan on it another day.”
He cocked his head. “How about I take you to dinner in town this evening, if you feel up to it? Afterward, we could watch a performance at the community theatre. I understand there’s a really outstanding one not far from the inn.”
“I’d love that.” She hesitated. “But Scott, you honestly don’t have to babysit me. Besides…” Her sigh seemed to come from the toes up. “Your wife…”
He lifted her chin with his thumb. “I fully intend to tell you all about Bell. I want you to understand the situation. It’s not what you think. I’m not a player, Lissy. Will you give me a chance to explain? Please?”
She met his gaze and held it. Finally she nodded. “OK. I’ll be ready by…?”
He grinned like a schoolboy who’d just scored a date with the homecoming queen. “Meet you in the lobby at six. Dress up, m’lady. We’re steppin’ out on the town.”
She laughed. “I only brought the one evening dress, so I’ll be ‘steppin’ out’ in purple again tonight.”
“You look mighty fine in that purple dress. Like a goddess. See you at six.”
He turned to go, but she stopped him.
“I’m sorry for being so snappy. I know you were trying to help.”
Scott gave her a quick wink and left her alone.
The door closed with a soft click and Lissy leaned her forehead against the cool wood. What had she gotten herself into now?
“God, you told me to look into his heart. I think I’m ready, if You’ll lead the way.”
She dragged herself toward the shower, peeling clothes off as she went. The water stung her cold skin, but removed the lingering chill in her bones. She stood under the warming spray for a long time—thinking, praying…hoping.
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