by Tucker Shaw
Date: Friday July 26
Time: 7:05 AM
Subject: Wasn’t me
You are still asleep. but I want you to know that no matter what kind of gossip you read online or hear on access Hollywood today, it wasn’t me. I love you. help!
K.K.
there was just another knock on the door. it was jesse this time. “Where’s darcy?”
she’s asleep, I said. goodbye.
he stuck his hand out, blocking the door. “wait, is she asleep? or passed out?”
“what do you think?” I go. now get away.
Passed out? he said, perfect! let me in. he was grinning.
Get … the … fuck … out … of … here! I screamed, slamming the door and dead bolting it. he banged on the door and yelled “well … what are YOU doing? want to hang out?” I ignored him.
If only rashid was here right now. he’d know how to deal. er, actually no he wouldn’t. but at least he’d know what to say. sigh. Maybe he wouldn’t even know that. but I can’t call him anyway. It’s 7:10 AM and normal people just aren’t up yet. omigod I just remembered, our new york show is TONIGHT. this is, according to everyone, the big one. Madison Square Garden. it’s where Madonna shot her HBO special and everything. anyone willing to add $29.95 to their cable bill will see our show.
and it’s my responsibility to drag the star of the show out of her hangover.
I think I’ll let her sleep for now. lemme go make sure she’s still breathing. I wonder if I have any gum.
FRIDAY JULY 26
RIHGA ROYAL HOTEL, 10:25 AM
Outfit: I dug around and found evan’s Insane Clown Posse tee for good luck.
Fortune: Who said life is fair?
miraculously I fell back asleep after that encounter with darla. What can I say, life with Regis and Kelly just didn’t hold my attention.
but just a couple of minutes ago Eileen called and woke me up.
“ok k.k. I mean Kelly don’t talk, just listen. here’s the deal. I left the show this morning. I’m sorry this is so sudden but there was no other way around it. darla decided it would be best if I left the tour immediately. I suppose she’s right. I mean that’s not the kind of press we want to get for darcy. so it’s probably best that I go, even though it’s not really my fault. it’ll make it easier on you all. and I mean why hang around if you’re not really wanted right? so here’s the scoop. I overheard darla talking on her cell phone … I don’t know who she was talking to … but she was talking about figuring out a way to deal with ‘the k.k. issue,’ now I’m not sure what the exact k.k. issue is or anything but she said it doesn’t sound good. I think you should watch your back for the next little bit. I don’t think she would do anything that would mess up the show, so you’re probably safe and won’t get fired or anything, but this is darla we’re talking about so it really could go either way. besides she fired me immediately after realizing I was listening to her conversation so there’s that, too. so, um, I’m leaving tonight for LA. sorry I have to miss the big show. hey by the way don dezer gave me the heads-up on a new gig … i’m going to manage the FlyGirls2K on the Wayans Brothers’ ‘Big Pimpin’ on UPN Comedy Hour.’ want to join the crew when the tour is up? it’s a great gig—pretty much how J.Lo got her start you know.”
I found myself saying “um, ok” before realizing that actually, no, I don’t ever want to be a FlyGirl2K on the new Big Pimpin’ Comedy Hour. EVER. oh yeah and remembering that I have much more horrifying things to worry about than ending up a FlyGirl2K. Like Darla.
Eileen could probably tell I didn’t know what to say. “ok, ok, I better go. I don’t want you getting in trouble for talking to me ok good luck k.k. I mean Kelly. I still have your email address i’ll be in touch ok? hang in there be strong and keep up the realness ok?”
oh man, what have I gotten myself into?
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Friday July 26
Time: 10:05 AM
Subject: Cutie Patootie
You know I only believe what you tell me, sweetie. And you know I’m you’re biggest fan. By the way Evan and your mom are going to come over here to watch your pay-per-view special. He called and asked if he could. How cute is that? Teet
I was like my MOM is going over to Tito’s just to watch me? that’s weird.
FRIDAY JULY 26
DINER
NEW YORK CITY, 4:55 PM
Outfit: faded jeans, yellow wifebeater, aviators
Mood: I’ve never felt like this so I’m not sure what to call it. it’s not good, though.
I didn’t think things could go from bad to worse until they did. well actually they got better for a couple of minutes.
I poked my head into the bedroom, saw darcy facedown on the mattress, spread-eagled. no dignity. anyway I thought about checking to see if she was breathing then changed my mind, scrawled a note on a page ripped out of the room service menu (it said “stay in bed, sleepyhead” cause that’s what she told me her dad used to say to her on Christmas morning), and stuck the note up to the TV screen. I figured she’d definitely see it there.
then I called rashid’s room. “are you up. I need you,” I said. he goes, “lobby, 10 minutes.”
we met downstairs. we walked over to the hazy, hot concrete plaza in front of the Ziegfeld theater down the block, got iced coffee from the guy selling bagels and stuff there, and grabbed a bench. It was still morning, but it already felt like pea soup outside.
I told him the whole story or at least, all the parts I knew. he just kept laughing. I was yelling at him, all, this is NOT funny! and everything but he was like the HELL it isn’t! this is too funny! I mean, are you kidding me? psycho darla plotting to undermine a backup dancer? calling the newspaper to rant about a BLIND ITEM? it sucks about eileen and everything but come on this is too funny. I was like shut up! it wouldn’t be so funny if it was YOU and he goes, “actually, I think laughing at it is the only way I could really handle it” and then he gave me the sweetest biggest hug ever and goes, you can handle it, Kelly. none of this is real. remember that. you, however, are real.
I laid my head down in his lap and stared up at him. I felt my keys drop out of my pocket and heard them hit the concrete beneath us.
I go, yeah, it is pretty funny isn’t it. and then I started laughing a little. and then laughing harder. and rashid was cracking up right along with me.
Then he stood up and started imitating darla, stroking an imaginary Pekinese and shooting me his rendition of the LOOK. I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard. iced coffee shot out of my nose.
He put his hands around my waist, pulled me toward him, and goes, “your turn.”
So I belted out an amazingly accurate, “Do I make myself CLEAR?!” at the top of my lungs. And I started to crack up. But when I looked up at his face to see his reaction, I realized he wasn’t looking at me. His face had gone gray and he was looking over my head, behind me.
I turned my head and saw darla standing about 10 yards away, hands on hips, staring. and she had the LOOK on. She walked, slowly, right up to us. Ignoring rashid, she just kept focused on me.
After staring at me for what seemed like an eternity, she goes, “Where is my daughter?”
I didn’t say a word. rashid crouched down, reached under the bench, found my room key, and gave it to darla.
she headed back toward the hotel. rashid gave me one last hug, whispered, Let me see if I can chill her out, then chased up 54th Street after darla.
I sat down on the bench and sucked on my iced coffee. I looked at my watch. 11:18 AM. Most days I wouldn’t have even been awake yet. But this day is already ruined. I suppose I should have gone up to my room to face darla and make sure darcy was cool. but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t picture that tactic working out very well. and I guess I didn’t care that much about it either.
besides I knew that I didn’t really feel sorry, and apologizing when you don’t feel sorry totally sucks.
So I decided to bolt. And wander around the city for hours and hours. At some point it occurred to me that it was my first trip to new york. And that it was exactly the way everyone describes it. Thousands and thousands of people, yet very lonely. after hours and hours of wandering I went back to the Rihga. unfortunately, everyone (including me, according to the woman cleaning my room) had checked out already (we’re supposed to stay somewhere in long island this weekend).
that’s why I’m sitting here at this diner. thank god I had $22 on me. and thank god grilled cheese tastes the same no matter where you go.
wow, I’m really broke. what the hell am I going to do about money? I have to get back to the show. I need that check. evan needs it.
ok, it’s 5 after 5. I wonder if they’re doing sound checks yet?
FRIDAY JULY 22
THE GARDEN
NEW YORK CITY, 7:20 PM
I hate it when big moments in your life, like big ones, get overshadowed by something totally out of your control. it ruins it.
like today, I hailed my very first cab ever in my life. that’s a pretty big deal! I stuck out my fist and this cab stopped. but I barely even noticed it because all of a sudden I was so freaked about getting back to the tour. something snapped in that diner and I got this rush of “I’ve got a job to do!” or something and I knew I had to get to the Garden asap.
(that’s what everyone on the tour calls Madison Square Garden. weird huh. like instead of “we’re playing in new york” they’re all “we’re playing at the garden.” I had no clue what they were all talking about until, like, yesterday.)
anyway, that was my first cab hailing. turned out I was only like two minutes from the garden.
it took me a while to find the right door because that place is huge. I must have tried like four doors. finally I figured it out. luckily I had my It’s Darcy!! i.d. with me. one wave of that sucker and I was in.
as I rode the endless escalators up toward where the security guard told me the dancers’ room was, I started to get a little scared. I mean, last I saw darla, she was ready to go house on me and I haven’t seen darcy all day and I probably missed sound check. not to mention, it’s our biggest show of the tour. I started preparing myself for pretty much anything. have I been fired? did darla lock me out? will darcy totally scream at me? will the dancers freak out at me? will they sabotage me onstage?
will anyone be on my side?
I was prepared to grovel to keep my job. (where else could I make enough for Evan’s tuition in just one summer?)
I was ready for my reentry into Darcy land to completely suck. But it didn’t.
In fact, the next few hours were totally routine. almost disappointingly so. darla wasn’t around anywhere, darcy barely spoke to me except for a “hey do you have any extra body gems” (then again she’s always all business before a big show and doesn’t want to chitchat, so it’s impossible to tell if she’s even pissed or anything). our stretching was just like always, although rashid did give me a wink. I tried to smile back but I chickened out. I was staying low.
I started to think that maybe it wasn’t a lost cause. maybe I could keep those paychecks coming. after all, that’s really why I’m here. isn’t it?
but it was strange … I know everyone must have heard about what happened (I mean, I disappeared all day. people notice things like that around here) but no one was acting differently. no one was even trying to avoid me. it was weirder than being ignored … it was like no one cared whether / was there or not as long as someone was there to dance. it was just like being out on the street earlier today, everyone was too busy thinking about the show to think about me.
it was very x-files. I felt invisible.
Makes sense in a way, I guess. after all, we have the biggest show of the year in like an hour. as long as everyone’s here and ready to perform, who cares about what happened today? at least for now.
it’s 7:40 now. Nice ’n Easy just finished “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board” and ripped off their wicca gowns (they’re wearing rainbow-photoprint chaps now with zebra-print bikinis) for “Clue in, Dude.” we go on in 20 minutes.
Oh yeah, I just remembered. tito sent me that email that evan was coming over to his place to watch with him … And mom.
FRIDAY JULY 26
BACK AT THE RIHGA, 10:56 PM
(this time I’m paying my own way. who knew it was $300 a night? good thing we got paid last week and my atm card still works)
Outfit: I left my It’s Darcy!! tour jacket at the garden but I wish I still had it cause the AC is really strong in here and I’m freezing. full show makeup still on. track pants and microweave tee.
Mood: they haven’t invented a word for this mood.
To: kaykay4real
From: Tito_T
Date: Friday July 26
Time: 9:05 PM
Subject: Who rules?
You were FABULOUS! You were amazing! That solo shit you did was incredible! How come you didn’t tell me you had a solo? Man, your hair is amazing!
Teetow
PS—Your mom came, but she was late and missed the show. She was really upset.
no surprise there. maybe she was on a date or something.
To: Tito_T
From: kaykay4real
Date: Friday July 26
Time: 10:59 PM
Subject: A list
this has been the most out-of-control day in my life. Today I
woke up hung over. (drank too much last night, carried Darcy home from her birthday party.)
got yelled at at 6:30 AM by Darla, pissed that I had “allowed” her daughter to make a freakin’ spectacle of herself last night (I will forward the appropriate gossip item shortly)
was called a ho by darla, in an exclusive interview (you’ll see)
insulted darla to her face
left the tour without telling anyone and wandered the streets of nyc alone, vowing never to return
caved and went to do the show
was ignored at “the Garden” by everyone in the company
tempted fate
got a standing ovation
got fired
had to pay for my own room at this fuckin’ hotel/motel and it’s like 350 dollars a night but I have no idea where else to go
Is there some kind of planetary realignment thing going on? Will it be over soon? I can’t take the stress.
Kelly Kel
ok I should back up a little. where did I leave off? oh yeah, Nice ’n Easy in their l-wanna-be-mariah-really-bad outfits were finishing up.
we sat in the wings until the our beats started, about three minutes later. that announcer guy came on … (’ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for a journey to a special place, to a world where a boy can be a boy and a girl can be a girl …”) and we found our spots for the “real” cue, when she goes, “It’s Darcy,” which is when we basically have to bum rush her and start dancing our asses off.
maybe it was the tv cameras, or the extra pressure, or whatever, but … the energy was incredible.
everyone was on. everyone was hitting everything, darcy was hitting her notes, the crowd was really into it (I can tell now … back around St. Louis I couldn’t figure out if they were into it or screaming because that’s what they think they’re supposed to do … but now I can tell when they’re screaming because they’re really into it). anyway we got through the first section with no hitches at all. I noticed that the sound was the most perfect we’ve had the whole tour. it was like absolutely everything came together.
we were seriously giving the best concert we’d given all summer, and it was perfect timing considering we were on TV this time.
second set, perfect section. “Plucky” was the best we’d ever done it, by a lot. I even noticed darla, standing offstage, watching us with her mouth open like she couldn’t believe we were capable of this level. it was the look of someone who all of a sudden realized that what she’s created is now too big for her t
o control.
By the third section I was so psyched we were taping the show for pay-per-view. I knew tito was watching. I knew evan was watching. I knew mom was watching. THAT actually freaked me out for a second and I lost my concentration. but only for a beat.
but I couldn’t think about that. there wasn’t enough room in my brain. It was the middle of a perfect third set and we were truly KILLING IT in every sense. it was, excuse my French, the best motherfuckin’ show ever.
until I let myself go THERE at the exact wrong time.
wait there’s someone at my door. it better be that cheeseburger I just ordered.
FRIDAY JULY 26
THE RIHGA, 11:12 PM
ok it took me like 3 minutes to down that burger. still munching on fries now. they’re big, that kind with the skin still on ‘em. I love that. really salty. yum. ketchup rules.
Anyway, back to the horror story.
so we’re almost through the third section, up to where we do that reggae/dance hall version of “Cellular Love” (currently #3 with a bullet) and I am feeling it. and I start to feel myself going THERE. but for the first time, I feel like I can sort of keep a handle on it. like how rashid was telling me that first dress rehearsal in St. Louis about staying THERE without losing control. I was half floating, half focusing, and I knew I’d never danced better.
then, right after the first chorus (2 verses, 2 choruses, and a bridge to go), darcy’s jeans rip. you know, those skintight asymmetrical 80s jeans with the zipper up the ankle … in white? anyway they didn’t split straight up the back like Jessica Simpson that one time. they split at an angle. this asymmetrical seam that ran across her ass from upper left to lower right totally came apart. Diagonally. Picture it. her waistband and the upper section stayed put, but the bottom half sank. and there was the bottom half of her ass. it reminded me of the grilled cheese sandwich I’d had earlier. cut diagonally. only with a crack.
the thing is, I stayed THERE the whole time. like, I was watching this go on right in front of me, I was faced with darcy’s ass (she says she was wearing a nude thong but … whatever), I watched her stop dancing and freeze for a second, but I stayed THERE. I kept dancing.
