by J. C. Burke
'Huh?' I muttered.
'You should definitely go,' nodded Chrissy.
'Yeah. I am.' I am?
'Great!' Brendan said. 'Good on you. Nepal, here we come.'
I had it bad. At least I think I had it bad. I'd never liked a chick like this before so I didn't have anything to compare it to. But if she's all you can think about and in three minutes she convinces you to go to a country you'd hardly heard of, then yeah, I had it bad.
The light in Kylie's room was on, her music pumping. I was glad she was still awake as my earlier tiredness had vanished. Maybe she'd be in for a DVD.
'Kyles?' I knocked. 'Kyles?'
I opened the door. Kylie was sitting on the floor, staring in the mirror, a pair of scissors in her lap and handfuls of hair stuffed into the bin.
'Shit!' I said. 'What've you done?'
'Tom,' she cried. 'I feel so awful.'
SIXTEEN
I sat on the floor and put my arms around her.
'What is it, Kyles?'
She shook her head.
'Your hair wasn't that bad,' I said. 'Honest.'
'Oh, it's not that.' Bits of hair were sticking onto her tears, and snippings were scattered over her lap. 'I mean, it is but it's not. If you know what I mean.'
'It'll grow back.'
'I feel, I feel . . .'
'You feel what?'
'I feel like shit.' She began to sob.
'Hey?' I whispered, giving her a hug. 'It's only hair.'
'It's not the hair thing, Tom!' she shrieked.
'Okay, okay.'
The way she looked made me think of her back home at the Billi, her eyes flicking around in her head, like thoughts must've been turning over and over in her mind. The first few days after the accident, as the horrible realities set in, this is how she'd looked. Terrified. And of course she was. We all were, but what was she terrified of now?
'Kyles? What is it?'
'No one knows this. Well, no one really.' These words made her cry a bit more. 'It's about Fin and—' She bit her lip. 'And Claire.'
'Fin and Claire?' I repeated. 'What about them? I mean, we knew they liked each other.'
'Let me talk. Okay?' She took a deep breath and sat up straight. 'It's more than that.'
'Yeah?'
She pressed her fingertips against her mouth, trying to control the tears that were hiccuping through. 'I'd known for a while that Fin liked Claire, and then Fin found out Claire liked him. But Claire was with Daniel, of course.'
'Kyles, I know all this.'
'Not all of it, you don't. See, Fin and I used to talk. Probably 'cause I was always over at their place. Fin didn't know what to do. He really, really liked Claire, and he was stoked she liked him. He couldn't believe it; Daniel was the guy all the girls wanted, not Fin.'
'Yeah, but that started to change,' I said.
'It did! You're right, Tom. You notice things, don't you.'
'I don't know,' I shrugged.
'Remember that fight Fin and Daniel had, the week before that last game against Booralee High?'
For some reason I'd forgotten that, or at least stored it in the back of my head. It was a bad fight, just words and stuff, but it was tough, what they said to each other.
'Do you remember?' she asked again. 'It was outside the change room. It started 'cause Fin was talking to Claire. At least, that's what Fin told me.'
'He's right,' I nodded. 'It started over nothing. It was Dan getting all insecure. He was being a real arsehole.'
'He knew he was losing her,' she said. 'And maybe it was worse, because he knew he was going to lose her to Fin. I don't care how people try to protect Daniel now, but I'm sorry, you and me know, and the oldies too if they were honest, Daniel was totally up his arse about Fin. He always was, since they were kids.'
I had to agree 'cause it was right.
'I'm not trying to make excuses, but I still think about the time Daniel got off with the girl Fin took to the Year Nine dance. Even though I was only eight, I remember Fin telling me he liked this girl and he was going to ask her to their dance at the end of the year.'
'Jessica McCarthy,' I said.
'That's right,' Kylie answered. 'You remember too.'
'I remember Fin had a really big crush on her.'
'So why did Daniel get off with her?' Kylie's face was turning pink. 'He didn't like her. He just did it 'cause he didn't want Fin to have her.'
That was only one example. If you could be bothered digging deep enough you'd find plenty more – not always about girls. Sometimes it was over friends, possessions, football.
But in the end it was all about a girl.
'So, so, I'm not trying to make excuses,' she said again. 'But when Fin told me about the fight with Daniel and how he'd called Fin a desperate loser and all this other stuff, I said, "Stuff Daniel. He's an arrogant prick. Why should he always get his way." I was really mad, and even then I reminded Fin, not that he needed reminding, about that time with Jessica McCarthy.' Now Kylie's face had turned almost purple. I thought she was going to cry again but she kept on, her words getting faster and more desperate. 'Fin was so cut up about what to do. He still worshipped Daniel, God knows why. He asked me what I thought he should do, and I said, "Go for it! Claire likes you. Tough shit for Daniel." I went on and on. I was soooo pissed off with Daniel. One night . . .' She covered her face with her hands. 'One night when Kath was going to the club, I said to Fin, "Why don't you ask Claire over?" I mean, the Billi's such a small town, how else could they see each other. I told Fin I'd come over too, keep guard, kind of thing. Claire was scared, I mean, of course she was.'
'Did she?'
'Yeah. They snuggled on the couch together. Talk about feeling like the odd one out. They were kissing and giggling. I could hear Fin whispering to her. They were so cute.' Kylie's jaw began to shake. 'That was the night Claire and Fin decided she'd break up with Daniel. It was the night before,' she whispered. 'The Friday night before the accident.' The tears streamed down Kylie's cheeks. 'Fin was so happy,' she choked. 'The only thing that's helped me get through this, Tom, is seeing Fin in my head – the way he looked that night.'
I wiped the tears off her face.
'If I'd just . . . minded my own business and didn't go in there playing matchmaker, then maybe . . . maybe . . .' She put her head on my shoulder. 'I feel so . . . so guilty,' she wept. 'Like it was all my fault.'
Now I understood why her anger was still so raw. She'd tried to be tough, but inside she'd been cracking up.
'No, Kyles,' I whispered to her. 'No. Don't do that crap to yourself. It was no one's fault.'
'But maybe if I hadn't . . .'
'Kylie, I walked away from Daniel that night. Did you know that?'
'No.'
'I told him he was a prick and then I walked away.'
Walking away. Hearing the bush crunch under my feet. That was the moment I now wanted to yell – stop the clock! Rewind. I take it back!
'I knew he was pissed. I knew he'd never let anyone drive his car. I could see how out of control he was, but I didn't care. At that moment I hated him so much I could almost taste it.
'Maybe if I'd hung around I could've stopped him from getting into the car. But you know what, Kyles? I don't reckon I could have. I mean, I know I couldn't have. Dan always did what he wanted to do. But still, I didn't try. I didn't try to stop him. In fact, I wanted him to really, really stuff things up. Then pay for it, big time. One of the last things I said to him that night was, "You're going down."'
She watched me, wide-eyed.
'When I visit him, and see how he is now, and then think about what he was like before, I can't quite work it out.'
'What do you mean, Tom?'
'Not sure,' I said. 'Sometimes I think I'm getting a clearer picture, but then it disappears from my head.'
Kylie shook her head. 'You've lost me.'
'Daniel was drinking a lot then.' I spoke carefully. I needed to get this right; it'd been bugg
ing me since footy camp. If I could put it together then maybe I could put it behind me. 'He was on a self-destruct mission. He was hung-over all the time, that's why he was so slow on the field. Some games I'd pass him the ball and he'd stand there for about two seconds, like he didn't know what to do with it. He was pissing off a lot of people.'
'Yeah?'
'Luke and Owen were too. I mean, Luke was meant to be the captain. The three of them were prowling around together in Dan's Falcon. They were absolutely putting away the piss.'
'See, you do notice things, Tom.'
'Now, maybe, but then? You know what I didn't notice? How much bad shit was going down in the team. It was like we were only playing with twelve men. There was that much pressure on the rest of us. Fin was trying to hold the team together, but then he'd have Dan dumping shit on him, telling him he was getting a big head and stepping on Luke's territory as captain. But what were we meant to do?
'We were fighting all the time. The new young players were shit-scared. If you had a bad game you were dead meat. It wasn't about us, it was all about the Wattle Shield. We stopped looking out for each other. And fun? Well, stuff the fun, we weren't having any of that. Winning the sudden-death match and making the Grand Final was a fluke. We only did 'cause of Fin.'
'What about Dad?'
'I think the Billi put a fair bit of pressure on him too. He told me that's why he used to get the city coach in for the camp.'
'Bloody football.'
'It was much more than that, at least where the oldies were concerned,' I said. 'They couldn't control Dan. They were scared of him. Well, scared of the consequences if they tried to pull him into line.' I closed my eyes and pictured Daniel's face. The way he looked now, the way he sounded now. 'Maybe Daniel was always going to do something like this. Maybe he had to fall this far.' I shook my head thinking about what I'd just said. 'You know, you should go and see him, Kylie. He's different.'
'Why do you get this so much more than me?'
'Kyles, we've been eating, drinking, shitting and sleeping it these last . . .' I counted on my fingers. 'Ten months. It's become life.'
'God, and what a life,' she groaned. 'I just wish I was starting to feel a bit better.'
'You will. I know you will.'
'Really?'
'Yeah.'
'Do you?'
'Yeah,' I answered. 'It's slow, but I can see ahead now, if you know what I mean.'
'Like?'
'Like life being okay again.' I squeezed her hand.
'You know what I keep thinking?' she said. 'That I don't want to be Kylie Brennan. Kylie anyone, but not Kylie Brennan.'
'Kyles, we'll never be the same, but that doesn't mean it has to be bad. Just different.'
She nodded and snuggled under my arm. 'Do you think I'll get there?'
'Course you will. You're a Brennan.'
'Ha, ha.'
'So, um, what are you going to do about your hair?' I'd been waiting for a better time to tell her. 'You know it's a bit lopsided.'
Kylie looked back in the mirror. 'God, do I look like Smeagol?'
'Frodo, more like it.'
'Shit!'
'Give me the scissors,' I said. 'I'll try and even it up a bit.'
'You better be careful, Tom. I'll kill you if you stuff it up.'
'Just shut up and keep still.'
Brendan had me doing a few jobs around the sheds. It was part of the 'earning my keep for Nepal' deal.
There was no going back on the words I said that night at dinner. Brendan was trying to get tickets for the week after Christmas: the oldies and Gran had said, on account of everything, it'd be nice if we could all spend Christmas together.
I couldn't believe I was going overseas. I'd only been on a plane twice, and that's when I was eight and we went to Melbourne for Dad's sister's wedding.
Nepal sounded cool, too. All the fellas said it: 'Cool. Nepal.' But I reckon if I asked them where it actually was, they'd have trouble telling me.
Walking to the Mount Everest base camp was going to be awesome. Brendan and I looked at photos on the Lonely Planet site. It was a bigger climb than 'the ascent'! Now I was like, 'Bring it on.'
Brendan didn't work me too hard in the sheds. Most of the time it was doing a bit of sweeping or cleaning up, trying to think of sneaky ways to extract info out of Jonny about his beautiful goddess of a sister.
A couple of times Chrissy came down to the sheds to give Jonny some things from home. After, she'd hang around and we'd chat. She was so easy to talk to, I'd find myself raving about anything. In fact I'd forget where I was. It was like being me again. And her laugh was sublime!
But this afternoon was different. She wasn't there, and Jonny had just coughed up some vital information. Chrissy still wasn't going out with anyone. He'd given me a real deep look when he'd said it. I'm sure I looked guilty too.
I was whistling as I hosed down a tractor.
'Tom, can we talk about something?' Brendan looked serious, and he'd waited till Jonny had left.
Instantly my guts went into panic mode. Maybe I'd asked Jonny a few too many questions. Maybe he was one of those crazed possessive brothers that are okay until you start going out with their sister, then they go psycho.
'I wanted to talk to you about dinner the other week.' He looked uncomfortable.
'Dinner?'
'At the club.'
Here goes, I thought. An 'if you know what's best for you don't go near her' warning from the uncle. My ears were about to shut down.
'You never mentioned what Chrissy said.' Brendan started digging his toe into the dirt. 'And, well, Jonny's not comfortable about it. I told him not to worry but maybe we should talk about it.'
'Uh huh.'
'Jonny thought it was better if I talked to you on my own.'
'Okay.'
'He can get a bit, you know, emotional.'
Crazy and violent, he really meant.
'Right.' I nodded, still completely in the dark.
'So . . .'
'So?'
'I mean, you know Jonny and I are – together?'
'Yep.' So it wasn't the 'Jonny's a possessive crazed brother' talk, just the 'I'm gay' talk. I breathed out in relief.
'I haven't really talked to you about it before.' Brendan rubbed his chin. 'When we run, we talk about Dan. Not really about ourselves.'
I contemplated saying, 'No offence, Brendan, but it hasn't exactly been the main thing on my mind.'
'I guess . . . before, I spent more time with Daniel,' he continued. 'You were younger. Not that that should've mattered.'
I shook my head. 'Brendan – forget about it.'
'Well, we are going away together, so it's good to – you know, get it out in the open. Then we're both comfortable. Eh?'
Before, Brendan had been someone who was just always around. Someone I never really thought about. Mum's little brother. My uncle, that was about as far as it went. But that's when life was simpler.
Now Brendan wanted me to see him. See who he really was. This was probably the way Daniel saw him and now I did too.
Rory came over that weekend. It was the first time a Bennie's mate had visited the house. He kind of invited himself over, but I was pleased to see him 'cause again I was home on my lonesome.
'I've always wanted to check this place out,' Rory said, peering around the front door. 'When I was a kid I called it "Saint Margalette the Butcher". My old girl'd say, it's "Saint Marguerite Bourgeoys" in this posh voice. Just the way she said it made me think the most exotic people must live here.'
'I'd never describe Gran as exotic,' I answered. 'Neurotic, maybe.'
'Anyway, where is everyone?' Rory was walking down the hall, taking in all the pictures of the saints. 'Who's the religious nut?'
'Gran.'
'So where is everyone?' he asked again.
'Dad and Gran are seeing my cousin Fin, and Mum, Kylie and Brendan are visiting Dan. Saturday's the main visiting day.'
'You didn't want to go?'
'Nah. Kyles hasn't seen Dan for a while, and it's better if she goes with just Brendan and Mum. It's good to have a weekend off.'
'Full on,' Rory said. 'Don't know how you do it.'
'You get used to it.'
'Kyles going okay?'
'She still hurts pretty bad.'
'Severe haircut she gave herself.'
'You should've seen it before I fixed it.'
I turned around, slotting a disc into the PS2. 'NRL okay?'
We lounged on the couch, the game controls in our hands, not really talking, just playing and shouting at the umpire on the screen.
Then Rory said exactly what I didn't want to hear. 'You know we're playing St John's next weekend.'
'Yeah.'
'You sweet about it?' he asked. 'The fellas and I were just wondering.'
'I can't say I'm looking forward to it.' I thought about Matt and the fact we were going to have to make some kind of contact before the game or it'd make it even worse, especially as he'd left messages that I just couldn't get around to answering. 'It's just a game,' I said, without taking my eyes off the screen. 'Some of them are still my mates.'
But this I wasn't really sure about. Once, they'd all been mates. I'd grown up with them, played footy with them. Now I didn't know which ones thought I was okay and which ones wanted to spit in my face.
But what I did know was that I didn't want to talk about it now. It was one of those things you knew you were eventually going to have to face, but it always seemed so far off. Now it was almost on top of me with only a week to go. I was scared, not just scared about seeing all the boys again, I was scared about it pushing me back into the big black hole.
Mum made dinner. Kylie and I helped. They were only omelettes, but that was the most she'd cooked in ages. She kept going on about how delicious they were and how you had to beat the eggs in a particular way to make them fluffy. Kylie gave me a bit of an eye-roll but she didn't say anything. We knew these were big steps for Mum. We didn't want to do anything to spoil it in case she went back to bed and never got out.
