“He’s kinda cute. Single?”
Elizabeth nodded. “Never been married.”
“That’s not a good sign,” said Effie.
“Doesn’t mean a thing up here,” said Elizabeth. “He’s bedded half the ladies in the village at one time or another.”
“So definitely not…” inquired Effie letting the question hang.
“Gay?” Elizabeth hrrumphed. “No way. Furthest thing from it.”
“He’s mighty fit and very strong for a small man,” said Effie.
“He’s like an ant,” said Elizabeth. “He can lift ten times his body weight. Are you thinking that you might…?”
“Lets put it this way sweetie, it’d be nice to be penetrated by something that would bleed if you nicked it with a pair of scissors.”
Elizabeth pretended shock. “Effie!”
“I’m just saying I’ve had my, pun intended, fill of plastic.”
The front door opened as Declan came in holding onto the twins’ hands. Django, a golden lab, wagged his tail, panting beside them. The children made a beeline for their mother. Declan kissed Elizabeth then greeted Effie with a hug.
“Wow Effie, there’s so much less of you,” he said.
He looked around. “Where’s Stevie?”
“Still in New York,” said Effie. “Long story and terribly boring. The short exciting version is we’re kaput.”
“That’s too bad,” said Declan. “But we’re happy you could make it.”
“I am thrilled to be here,” said Effie. She turned to the twins now snuggled in Elizabeth’s arms.
“Look at you two beautiful creatures,” she exclaimed. “Just a minute. Auntie Effie has prezzies.”
Effie bustled off to the guestroom returning with a doll and a truck.
“Now who is Camille?” she said looking from one child to the other.
When Camille’s shyly put her arm in the air, Effie handed her the truck then gave the doll to Jack.
“Trying to avoid gender stereotyping,” she said to Elizabeth.
The twins looked at each other then, giggling, promptly exchanged the gifts. Effie shrugged in amusement.
“So much for that,” she said.
As the children played with their new toys, Elizabeth regaled Declan with the story of the battling stags.
“That’s really rare,” said Declan. “You’ve had quite an introduction to Scotland Effie.”
“So far, so good. I can’t wait to get to the scotch and haggis part,” laughed Effie.
“Elizabeth told you we’re postponing the wedding?”
“Can’t be helped,” said Effie. “You wouldn’t want your mother to miss such an important day.”
“No.”
Elizabeth looked at Declan.
“Have you let Joan know we’re postponing?”
“I called her,” replied Declan. “I think she was secretly pleased although she didn’t say so.”
“How’s her ear?” asked Elizabeth.
“Pretty bad infection,” said Declan. “The doctor’s got her on strong antibiotics.”
“Poor thing,” tutted Effie.
“Speaking of the wedding,” said Declan, “a couple of paps got rooms at the hotel. They’re posing as birdwatchers.”
“Really? Too bad for them,” said Elizabeth.
Effie raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Paparazzi. Hoping to get a few shots to sell to the tabloids,” sighed Elizabeth. “I’ll call Reverend Stone and cancel the booking.”
Effie interjected. “While you’re at it, ask him if anyone else is getting married.”
“Why?” said Elizabeth.
“Maybe the photographers would like to cover someone else’s wedding,” she said with a mischievous grin.
“I think I see what you mean,” said Elizabeth. “I’ll ask. Sure, why not.”
At that moment Declan’s cell phone buzzed, signaling a text. His eyes widened as he read it.
“What is it?” asked Elizabeth.
“It’s from Solomon,” replied Declan. Solomon was Declan’s manager at ATM, the music management company Elizabeth had sold to a Californian conglomerate.
“He wants me to play Letterman,” said Declan, looking pleased.
“When?” asked Elizabeth.
“Monday. An opening came up. He’s been working on it for a while.”
“That’s great,” she said.
“I can’t really say no.”
“Why would you say no? You’ve gotta do it. Text him back and say yes.”
Declan kissed Elizabeth on the forehead.
“It’s no wonder I love you so much.”
“I’m sure Harry Peters would give you a deal to fly you to Inverness for a connection to Glasgow,” said Elizabeth. “He’s made a fortune carrying all the paps up here in his chopper.”
“True enough,” said Declan. “I’ll call him. Solomon can work on getting the band there.”
Declan disappeared into his study to sort out arrangements. Effie yawned.
“The flight is catching up with me,” she said. “Mind if I take a nap?”
“You go right ahead. I’m going to give the kids a bath and their supper. If you’re feeling up to it later we can go down the hotel.”
“Down the hotel?” queried Effie. “Is that a Scottishism?”
“I guess it is. We’ll get some of that scotch and haggis you were talking about. I’m sure Declan will be happy to baby-sit, especially since he’s going away.”
“Sounds great sweetie,” said Effie. She bustled into the guest room. Elizabeth soon heard the sound of Effie’s soft snoring.
After the children were fed and bathed and settled to watch a DVD, Elizabeth poured a glass of wine for herself and Declan. She snuggled up to him on a couch in their sunroom overlooking the sea. Now that it was May, days were getting longer. By midsummer, they would get only three or four hours of darkness.
“It’s great to see Effie again,” said Declan. “What happened with her and Stevie?”
“They broke up,” said Elizabeth. “Stevie was too controlling. From the sounds of it, it’s done for good.”
Elizabeth knew Declan wouldn’t be particularly interested in the details.
“That’s too bad,” he said. “I can’t imagine anyone controlling Effie.”
“Actually, their breakup could be a good thing, for me, for us.”
Declan looked a little startled.
“What do you mean?”
“Effie’s come up with an idea that I think could work.”
Declan listened attentively as Elizabeth outlined the plan for ‘Rags ‘n’ Beats.’ He had to agree, given Effie and Elizabeth’s background, it was a good idea.
“What does that mean to us, for living here?” he asked.
“The kids are getting a Scottish accent,” said Elizabeth.
“I thought you liked Scottish accents,” said Declan, stroking her hair.
“I do,” said Elizabeth, “but I think I’d prefer it if Jack and Camille had Canadian ones.”
Declan swung around to face her.
“You want to move back to Toronto?”
“We’ll keep this place as our vacation home.”
“So you’d go back to work?”
“It wouldn’t be work. It’d be fun.”
“And what about the kids? Who’d look after them?”
“We have enough money. We can get a nanny, or a housekeeper. Plus Joan will be there. She’s never had a chance to get to know her grandkids.”
Declan sat in silence for a while.
“I’ll miss this place,” he said. “I’ll miss not being here. It’s come to feel like home.”
“Oh but we can come back, any time we want,” said Elizabeth kissing him. “Home will be wherever we choose to make it. As long as the four of us are together it’ll be home.”
Declan gave a wry smile.
“You’re right,” he said. “It’s important to me that you’re happy.
Do what makes you happy.”
Elizabeth flung her arms around his neck.
“You must be the most perfect man in the world,” she said.
“Don’t you ever forget it,” said Declan.
“So the most perfect man in the world won’t mind staying in tonight with the kids if I take Effie down the hotel?”
“Now you’re taking serious advantage of me,” said Declan in mock seriousness. He reached for Elizabeth’s ribs and began tickling her.
“Stop, stop,” she cried trying to wriggle away. But Declan didn’t stop until the sound of Elizabeth’s shrieking laughter woke Effie from her nap.
CHAPTER FIVE
The Kinlochbervie hotel bar was fairly full. Effie decided she was madly in love with all things Scottish and insisted on ordering haggis and chips. When the plate arrived Effie looked at Elizabeth in surprise.
“Where’s the pastry?” she asked.
“Uh, haggis doesn’t come with pastry,” said Elizabeth. “It’s meat and oats that’s been cooked in a sheep’s stomach.”
Effie paused with a forkful of haggis halfway to her mouth.
“You gotta be fucking kidding me?”
“No,” said Elizabeth. “I’m not. What did you think it was, some kind of pie? It’s good. Go on. Taste it.”
Effie put down her fork and wiped her lips on a paper napkin.
“Sheep’s stomach? Why did you have to tell me that?”
“It’s no big deal Effie. It’s delicious.”
Effie looked dubiously at her plate.
“Why don’t I order up a couple of cow’s eyeballs instead,” she said, “preferably raw.”
“Oh give it here, I’ll eat it,” said Elizabeth.
Effie refused to have anything more to do with haggis but polished off the chips, plus three shots of single malt whiskey. Effie was ready to party.
Elizabeth nodded towards two glum middle-aged men sitting alone at the end of the bar.
“Bet those are the paps Declan was talking about.”
“Leave it to me,” said Effie. In seconds Effie was beside them.
“Now you two gentlemen, you look as if you’re up here on important business,” said Effie.
The two men glanced at each other.
“Let me guess,” said Effie. “You’re birdwatchers up here for the annual migration of the lesser crested cormorant.”
The taller of the two men nodded. In a London accent he said, “right.”
Effie leaned in conspiratorially.
“Too bad. There’s a celebrity wedding that’d make a great photograph. Much more interesting than birds.”
“Go on then luv, tell us what yer know.”
One of the men signaled the bartender.
“What’s yer poison luv?” he asked Effie.
“I’ll have a single malt. Laphroig please.”
The two men listened carefully as Effie explained the exact location of the church and the time of the wedding. Smirking, the men thanked Effie profusely, paid their bill and left.
Effie made her way back to Elizabeth, sitting in a corner chatting to her friend Alison, the local teacher.
“It’s done,” said Effie winking. “Those two photographers will be skulking in the weeds shooting…who’s wedding is it?”
“Budgie and Gerts,” said Elizabeth.
“Oh not Budgie and Gert’s,” exclaimed Alison with her tinkling laugh. “They’re both in their nineties.”
“How perfect is that?” chortled Effie. “I set them up perfectly. They think they’re going to shoot Elizabeth and Declan’s wedding.”
The women clinked glasses over the prank before Alison turned to Elizabeth.
“So when is it you’re thinking you’ll be married now?”
“I’m not sure,” replied Elizabeth. “We might do it in Toronto where Declan’s mother lives. That way more friends will be able to come. Anyway, there’s no rush. We’ve waited this long. Declan’s going away for a few days so we’ll talk about it when he gets back.”
“Have you ever been married?” Effie asked Alison.
“Don’t get me started. I’ve been married three times and twice to the same man. I’m single and happy now. No one to please but myself,” said Alison.
“Amen sister,” said Effie, clinking Alison’s glass with her own.
Somebody put a few coins in the jukebox and the air filled with an infectious Scottish reel. Horsing around, a couple of men linked elbows and spun in circles. Soon the whole bar was dancing. Effie found herself arm in arm with Jimmy Mack, who’d come into the bar unnoticed.
Jimmy wore a freshly laundered plaid shirt over dark corduroy trousers. He’d slicked his reddish brown hair down and trimmed his moustache.
“Why look at you honey,” exclaimed Effie. “You clean up real good.”
“Aye, you’re no so bad yerself,” said Jimmy.
Jimmy slipped his muscular forearm around Effie’s newly slimmed waist and spun her round in a reel. After half an hour of dancing, Effie was perspiring and breathless.
“I think I need to get some air Jimmy.”
“Aye. C’mon then,” said Jimmy. “We’ll go outside.”
The parking lot outside the hotel was full. Several couples stood by the back door smoking. Jimmy Mack led Effie to an area with four picnic tables and sat her down.
“Ahm goin ta get another brew. Can ah getcha something?”
“Just water please Jimmy.”
While Jimmy disappeared to get drinks Effie admired the view of the darkening hills, and the distant bay where the tide was going out to reveal a wide swath of dark sand. She glanced at her watch. It was eleven p.m. They were so far north that darkness was only now approaching.
Effie felt slightly dizzy from the scotch and overjoyed to be away from city life and a dysfunctional relationship. Being in Kinlochbervie, a remote hamlet of four hundred hardy souls, was like slipping through time into an uncomplicated past. She could understand why Elizabeth loved being here.
Jimmy returned with a beer for himself and a glass of water for Effie. Effie gulped it gratefully.
“So how long will yer be stayin?” asked Jimmy.
“I haven’t really decided.”
“Tha’s good ta have no plans.” Jimmy slid in beside her. “Plans can get in the way.”
“Of what?” asked Effie.
“Of this.” Jimmy turned Effie’s face towards him and planted a gentle kiss on her lips. Effie pretended shock.
“Why Jimmy Mack!”
“Yer a good lookin woman. I knew tha minute I saw ya at the stags that ah’d like ta take ya fer a ride.”
Effie knew from talking to Elizabeth that being ‘taken for a ride’ meant sex.
“Oh my God Jimmy. There’s nothing like being forward is there? I’ve known you for what, half a minute?”
“No point in beatin around tha bush,” said Jimmy. “so ta speak.”
“Clearly not,” said Effie. Although she was pretending to be affronted she was secretly pleased. A quick glance down revealed Jimmy’s stiffening crotch. Oh what the hell, she thought. She’d foregone the haggis but this was one Scottish experience she wasn’t going to turn down.
“It’s been a while since I was with a man,” said Effie.
“Och, it’s no tha type of thing ya forget. And if ya hae forgotten ahm quite sure ah kin remind ya,” said Jimmy, adding, “ma wee fella knows wha to do.”
Effie placed her hand over his zipper. Underneath the corduroy, Effie could feel he was well endowed.
“I thought ‘wee’ meant small?” she said.
Jimmy roared with laughter.
“We’ll hae ourselves a good time,” he said.
“Okay Jimmy. You’re on. But not tonight. I think I’ve had
a bit too much to drink.”
“Tomorrow then. Ah could show ya ma wee hoose,” said Jimmy.
“Elizabeth said you lived with your sister.”
“Aye, ah do, but ah’ve got ano
ther hoose aways up tha peat road.” Jimmy leaned in for another kiss, this time fiercer. Effie relished the prickle of moustache against her lip and let her tongue respond to his.
“Okay Jimmy. Tomorrow.”
“Ah’ll come by around noon wi yer venison and we can take a wee picnic.”
“Sounds good to me.”
The scotch, the clean air and the remnants of jet lag were having their effect on Effie. She desperately wanted to close her eyes and sleep.
Jimmy Mack led Effie back into the bar where Elizabeth and Alison were still chatting away. They looked curiously at Effie and Jimmy.
“I see you’re getting to know the locals then,” teased Alison.
“Aye,” said Effie. Jimmy Mack gave Effie a wink.
“See ya tomorrow Effie.”
CHAPTER SIX
Effie woke up the next morning with a slight hangover and lightness in her heart. She couldn’t believe she had an assignation with, of all things, a man. She showered, soaped and lathered herself then inspected her pubes with Elizabeth’s magnification mirror. She was relieved to see her last waxing was still good.
“Where do you go…for waxing down there up here?” Effie asked Elizabeth.
“There isn’t any place round here.”
Effie looked as shocked as if Elizabeth had told here there was no running water.
“How do you cope?”
“Declan is fine with me having a tidy trim, something I can do myself.”
“It’s okay for you ladies with fine hair. I’ve got a bush like the fucking Amazon. People have been known to get lost in there and not come out for days,” said Effie.
“ I just hope Jimmy Mack appreciates your fastidiousness.”
“So do I sweetie,” said Effie. “So do I.” She wiggled her hips on the chair. “These lips is primed for lo-o-vin.”
Jimmy Mack showed up at noon with a package of frozen venison for Elizabeth, a flask of coffee, a bottle of wine and some ham sandwiches. Effie had taken special care with her make-up and looked, Elizabeth thought, particularly beautiful. She was dressed from head to toe in tartan. On Effie it didn’t seem to matter that the plaids were different. Worn by another woman they might’ve clashed and looked ridiculous but Effie had a way of pulling strange looks together. On her feet she wore an exquisite pair of expensive Italian loafers.
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