by D. R. Graham
Relieved, I exhaled and crouched down on the sidewalk. “Can I talk to him?” There was a long silence on the other end of the phone. I thought maybe we got disconnected. “Murph?”
“He doesn’t know I called. He asked me not to call you.”
“Why?”
There was another long silence. “He doesn’t want to talk to you.” My breath stuttered as if I’d been kicked in the chest. Obviously Murphy could hear my sobs because he said, “Deri. He’s just —”
“Save it. I don’t want to hear it. Thanks for letting me know.” I hung up and tried to get back inside the arena. The door was locked, so I had to text Steve to come save me.
He opened the door from the inside and asked, “How is he?”
“Fine.” I stepped in and placed my hands on his chest to push him back towards the wall. He smiled as I ran my palms over his shoulders and down his arms. “Kiss me.”
He clutched my hair and our lips collided. I was really upset that Trevor didn’t want to talk to me and that’s why I let Steve touch me the way he did. If Sophie hadn’t interrupted to tell us that everyone was heading out, I might have let him do whatever he wanted.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
A week after the concert, Steve and I went to his room to make out. A few minutes into it, I noticed he wasn’t kissing me back with the same intensity. It seemed as if he was hesitating. Then he threw a total curve ball I hadn’t seen coming—maybe I was in denial and hadn’t wanted to see it coming. He said, “I love you, Derian.”
The first thing that attempted to come out of my mouth was, What? Fortunately, I pressed my lips together and it didn’t escape. I racked my brain to generate possible responses and quickly calculate the repercussions of each of the alternatives. Obviously, I love you too, was the logical and simplest response, but I didn’t feel that way. I loved him in the sense that I cared about him. I just didn’t love him in the sense that he wanted me to.
Thanks, cool, I’m glad, I’m happy to hear that, I’m the luckiest girl in the world. All my ideas sounded lame, so I panicked. The seconds ticked by and my mouth went dry from the fear. Say nothing—that was my only viable option.
I leaned towards him to give him a good angle to see my cleavage in my cute pink push-up bra. I lingered for a while, then leaned in and closed the gap between our mouths. He wrapped his arms tightly around my body and rolled me onto my back. I was very pleased with myself for successfully dodging the response. He ran his hand over my cute pink push-up bra and looked me directly in the eye. “I love you,” he repeated.
Shit. Obviously, I wasn’t that good at distracting him. “I know,” I finally said and cringed as soon as the words came out of my mouth.
He sat up. I didn’t even try to apologize because I knew it would make everything worse.
He threw my shirt onto my lap and walked to his bedroom door. “Come on, I’ll take you home.”
“Don’t you want to talk about this?”
He laughed, but not in a happy way. “No, Derian, I don’t want to talk about how I love you and you don’t love me.”
“I care about you.”
His lip snarled a little. “That’s nice, Deri. Thanks.”
“Maybe it just takes me longer to fall in love.”
“We both know that’s not the problem.”
Knowing exactly what he meant, I got up and pulled my shirt on. I grabbed my bag and we drove back to the Inn in silence. When he parked out front, he turned the engine off and sighed. He didn’t say anything, but I could tell he wanted to, so I waited. Two men in suits exited the Inn and examined the exterior of the building for a while before they got into a Lexus SUV.
Steve turned his head to face me. His expression flickered with different emotions, as if there was some sort of battle going on inside him. I waited for him to speak and when he didn’t I said, “Thanks for being patient with me.”
“Sure.” His tone was abrupt and completely unconvincing.
There was no point trying to repair the damage while he was still hurt. If it was even possible to repair it. I said goodbye, got out of the truck, and walked through the front door of the Inn. I couldn’t tell how I felt. Steve was the first guy who had ever told me he loved me. I should have been excited, but I just felt confused.
My granddad was at the front desk. When he saw me he smiled in a sympathetic way. “Why the long face?” he asked.
I inhaled deeply and leaned my elbows on the front desk. I thought for a long time, then mumbled, “I miss Trevor.”
“Ah. So does Kailyn. She’s in the dining room making him a card. Maybe you should make one too.”
“Who were those men?”
He glanced at my face, then sorted some receipts. “Developers.”
I frowned and my eyes got watery. “Do they want to keep the building or demolish it?”
“They’re thinking demolition.”
“What did you tell them?”
“I said I would think about it.”
“Okay.” I couldn’t breathe very well. I gave him a hug, then turned towards the dining room. “I’ll make dinner tonight,” I said over my shoulder.
Kailyn was set up with her craft box at a table near the window, so I pulled up a chair. “Hi Deri. Do you think Trevor will like this?” She held up a folded piece of purple construction paper covered in happy faces and gold sprinkles.
“He’s going to love it.”
“Do you think Trevor is going to stay away forever like my mom?”
“No. He’s coming back. He would never leave you.”
She nodded and added hearts to her card. “My mom doesn’t love me because of my Down syndrome. I was a bad baby, so she left.”
Trevor never talked about why his mom left, but what I did know was he never got over being mad at her. She made efforts to have contact with them over the years, which seemed to go okay when we were all young, but something happened when Trevor was about thirteen. He wanted nothing to do with his mom after that and wouldn’t let Kailyn anywhere near her. I always wished I knew the whole story. “That’s not why she left. You were a good baby.”
“Why did she leave?”
“I don’t know, Kiki, but it wasn’t because she didn’t love you and Trevor.”
She added more glitter. “Trevor loves me more because I’m special. I love Trevor and you.”
“We love you too. He will always come back for you. Don’t ever worry that he won’t.”
“Okay. Do you miss Trevor?”
I nodded and emotion rose up into my throat. “Do you mind if I make a card too?”
She handed me a stick of glue and a pack of pencil crayons. “I’ll help you with your spelling.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
I rummaged through her tote of art supplies and found a thick piece of white card stock. I sketched a picture of Britannia with the Mavertys’ house, the Inn, and the mountain in the background. I added really small details including our tree fort in the forest; his 4Runner parked out front; his work boots sitting by the bench on his front porch; and the T.M. + D.L. carved into the railing of the Inn. I used her pencil crayons to make it look like the light was on in his bedroom window and then I wrote on the back: It’s not the same around here without you.
“That’s good, Derian.”
“Thanks. Do you want to stay for dinner? I’m going to make chicken and baby potatoes.”
“Okay. Can Daddy come too?”
“Of course. We can have a nice family dinner together.” Right after I spoke, I had a vision.
Two people were doing it in a bedroom that didn’t look familiar. The guy was Steve.
I abruptly opened my eyes. I had never even seen something that graphic in a movie, so it was quite shocking that my mind created the images.
“What did you see in your mind?”
Once I recovered, I said, “People kissing.”
She giggled as she addressed the envelope. “Were they going to make a baby?”
/> “It appeared that way.” Since I couldn’t erase the image from my brain, I changed the subject to distract myself. “How are things going with you and Evan?”
“He kissed Daisy Edwards on the lips. I don’t want to marry him anymore.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll meet someone new.”
“I already did. Jonathan Kensington. He works at the Tim Horton’s and wants me to be his girlfriend.”
I smiled and added a few more details to my drawing. “Trevor’s going to want to meet him.”
“No. He doesn’t have to. I said no to Jonathan.” She meticulously colour-coded all her felt pens into their case. “I’m too busy for a boyfriend. I’m going to be a librarian assistant. I have college classes to go to.”
“Really? That’s great. I didn’t know you were doing that.”
She took a sip from her glass of milk. “That’s because you never hang out with me anymore.”
I winced from the guilt. “Sorry. I’ll make it up to you. We can do more things together.”
“Will you call my mom and ask her to come visit me?”
“I don’t know her number.”
“Trevor does. You said you would get it from him. That was a long time ago. You promised.”
It had completely slipped my mind that I had promised I would try to get it, so I made up an excuse, which was also the truth. “I didn’t promise. I said I would try. Trevor doesn’t think it’s a good idea to call your mom.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know. He’s never told me why.”
I watched her stick more stars to her card. She sniffled and when she looked up, there were tears in her eyes. There was nothing more heartbreaking than seeing Kailyn cry. It rarely happened because Trevor always worked really hard to make sure nothing made her sad. She wiped the back of her hand over her eyelids and said, “She’s my mom. I want to see her.”
It was painful for me too because I completely related to that loneliness. I gave her a hug and said, “I’ll see what I can do.” I finished making my card, then went into the kitchen to start dinner. While it was cooking, I headed to my room and searched through my albums for a photograph to add to the package for Trevor. I found one of him, Kailyn and me in a rowboat when we were really little. My dad had taken the picture. We all had huge grins, with our little red life jackets on. Trevor was pulling the oars and I was waving at my dad. It was cute.
Jim and my granddad were already seated at the table in the dining room with Kailyn when I returned. I slipped the photo into the envelope and headed into the kitchen to prepare the plates for dinner.
As I served them, Jim asked, “So, has Trevor been writing you a thousand times a day?”
“No. He’s only written three times.”
Jim looked genuinely surprised. “Oh. I assumed—” He cleared his throat. “Kailyn, would you pass the beans, please.”
Kailyn passed the dish and said, “Trevor writes me every day to tell me all about Iceland. There is a volcano and hardly any animals, just foxes and rabbits and goats and sheep. Murphy saw a polar bear, though. It floated on the ice and stopped for a visit. They speak Icelandic there, but Trevor and Murphy don’t understand, so everyone says things in English for them. He’s almost better from his fall. He says he can’t remember if it hurt when he landed because he bumped his head and he forgot.”
“Has he been writing you every day too?” I asked Jim.
He shrugged, reluctant to admit it to me since I’d only gotten three messages. “Yeah, but he mostly just tells me about the rescues they’ve gone on.”
Knowing it was about work stuff made me feel a little less like the odd man out. “It’s so sad about the little girl, eh?”
“Which little girl?”
“The one they didn’t get to in time.” I chose my words carefully because I didn’t want to upset Kailyn. I was surprised Jim didn’t know what I was talking about. It was kind of a big deal.
“They lost one?”
“Didn’t he tell you?”
“No. What happened?”
I told the story and watched Jim’s expression.
“Did the little girl go to heaven?” Kailyn asked me.
I glanced at her. I wanted to lie, but I couldn’t. “Yes.”
“Don’t worry, your dad and granny will take good care of her.”
Touched by that image, I looked back at Jim. “Why do you think he didn’t tell you?”
“Well.” He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and raised one eyebrow. His eyes got shiny the same way Trevor’s did when he was choked up. “Those are tough calls to talk about. I’ve still never told anyone about the first kid I lost.” He stood up with a stack of dirty dishes and kissed the top of my head. “He’s lucky to have you. Thanks for dinner.”
I watched Jim disappear into the kitchen and thought about what he said. I couldn’t understand why Trevor would confide in me when it was really important but avoid me in every other way. I took the rest of the dishes to the kitchen and vigorously scrubbed them in the sink, trying to figure out what was going on in Trevor’s head. I always thought I knew him so well, but he was acting out of character. I didn’t know what any of it meant.
I went to my room and turned on my laptop to write him a message.
Hey Trev, either we’re friends or we’re not. Why are you sending emails to everyone but me? Why didn’t you want to talk to me after your fall? Why did you try to leave without even saying goodbye? Why did you ask Doug to keep an eye on me, but then you don’t even check in to see how I’m doing? Sometimes you act as if I mean something special to you. The rest of the time you act as if you want nothing to do with me. I don’t get it. I thought I knew how your mind worked, but now I’m completely confused. Do you love me more than a sister? If you don’t, why not? If you do, what are you waiting for? Steve told me he loves me. Do you care? I love you. Screw you. Stay safe.
I stared at the message on my computer screen for a long time. My finger hovered over the mouse, waiting for my brain to get the nerve to press the send button. My finger finally moved, but it was to erase everything I wrote. He didn’t need the annoyance of an immature high-school drama queen whining about why he didn’t love her back. When did I become so insecure? Disgusted with myself, I turned the computer off and went to bed.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Sophie and Doug and I went skiing the next day, and I was acting weird. I knew it. My pornographic vision starring Steve was freaking me out. I was not ready for anything close to what I saw him doing.
“What the hell’s wrong with you?” Sophie asked when we went into the chalet to use the washroom.
After she came out of the cubicle, I whispered, “I had a vision that made it seem like my relationship with Steve is going to take a dramatic leap forward. I’m afraid to even be alone with him.”
“What’d you see?”
“It was vulgar. I’ll spare you the details.”
“No, I like details.”
The other girl who was in the washroom left, so I hopped up and sat on the counter as Sophie put more eyeliner on. “Watch a porno, you’ll get the idea. It’s probably more important for me to mention that he told me he loves me in real life.”
“Holy shit! Did you say it back?”
“No. I didn’t say anything, so he said it again. I didn’t know what to do and responded by saying, ‘I know’.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did.”
She laughed. “Classic. You’re such a dork.”
“What was I supposed to do? I wasn’t going to lie.”
She removed her toque and combed her fingers through her hair. “People say it all the time without meaning it.”
“Did you mean it when you first told Doug?”
“Yeah, but in the eighth grade I told Gavin I loved him because I felt sorry for him.”
I shook my head and hopped off the counter. “That doesn’t count. Thirteen-year-olds don’t know what love is.
”
“Do seventeen-year-olds?”
“Does anyone?” I joked.
She waved her hand to indicate I was over thinking it. “You saw it happening in the future. That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen today. It could be months or years from now. Maybe it wasn’t even you.”
“True, since it’s safe to assume he hates me right now. The girl had long brown hair like mine, though.”
“Stay away from alcohol. You should be all right.”
As we headed back outside to meet Doug, I asked, “How’s it going with your parents now that your dad moved back in?”
“Good. The counsellor has them going on dates when my dad’s not flying. If he’s away on an overnight he has to send her a love email. They’re ridiculously cheesy.”
“You read them?”
“Yeah. My mom doesn’t know how to check her email and she refuses to learn. I have to do everything for her.”
“You might end up traumatizing yourself if you read about something kinky.”
“Good point. I’ll stop.”
Doug was seated on the railing of the chalet porch, waiting for us. As we walked towards him, I said, “I need to borrow him again, if you don’t mind. We won’t be getting it on. I just need him to do something illegal for me.”
“He’s all yours. Thanks for telling me.” She draped her arm over my shoulder. “You can make out with him a little if you want.”
“Ha ha. His hacking services should be sufficient.”
Mason and a group of guys and girls from our school took their skis off and headed onto the chalet porch. Mason sported titanium sunglasses, a twelve-hundred-dollar, royal-blue, heated ski jacket, and Apex boots that cost just as much. He could have seriously been a model. Maybe he was, for all I knew. Or royalty, or something.
“Still crushing on Mr. One-Night Stand?” Doug asked, since I had been in a complete daze watching Mason.
Although I was, I said, “I think it’s time for me to swear off boys.”
That Monday at school, Mason hobbled past me on crutches. His knee was in a brace. It was a struggle for him to carry his books and maneuver the crutches at the same time. Nobody offered to help him, so I spent a few minutes coming up with conversation-starters, then stood next to his locker. He hopped on one foot to keep his balance. The crutches slid across the door and clattered to the floor, which gave me the excuse I was looking for. So much for swearing off boys. I stepped forward and picked them up for him. “Hey. Would you like some help?”
