“Sure, except you’re aware that the only music we can get is country. However, I have some CD’s in my briefcase.”
“Opera?”
She laughed. “No. I have the Eagles, Phil Collins, The Beegees…”
“All right!”
The rest of their journey was fun. Not another word was said about Arianna or his mother. They sang and talked and laughed and twice when traffic got to be too heavy in the cities, they pulled over and took short rests. But by the time they arrived in Sage Canyon, they were exhausted.
Stede had to put the horses in the barn, made sure they had feed and water and by the time he and King had entered the house, Carolina was sound asleep on the couch. He put a blanket over her and climbed into his bed.
****
The next morning, Carolina woke when she heard King come in the house through the doggie door. She looked at her watch that read nine-thirty, and sat up straight, stretching.
“Hey, boy!” she called, patting him on the head. “Where’s Stede?”
“In here,” he yelled, “I’m almost finished dressing. You can have the shower and I’ll make us some coffee and toast. Do you want to go by the nursing home and then go out to lunch with my grandmother?”
“Yes. I want to see about funeral arrangements for Carl and I’d love to see your grandmother.”
“All right,” he said, entering the family room.
Carolina squinted at him. “How can you be so perky and happy after all that driving you did.”
“The sunshine and beautiful weather helps. We’ll take it easy today because tomorrow I’ll be tied down getting the hospital up and running. Jenny and Manny should be here probably by dinnertime and Manny and I can get the trailer and motor home cleaned out and put behind the barn.”
“I’ll be glad to help. I’ll hurry and get dressed.”
She unpacked her clothes, separated her laundry and Stede’s, and threw a load of whites in the washer. She changed her purse and packed the one she had been carrying back in her suitcase and stuck the letter from her mother in a compartment and closed the lid. Somehow she wasn’t ready to deal with another complication.
As soon as they were dressed and had eaten, she put the load of clothes in the dryer and put a load of darks in the washer, and then they took off for the nursing home.
Carolina wasn’t sure what she expected, but nothing about Carl could shock her. As it turned out he was, of course, penniless, and they wanted to know if she was willing to pay for his funeral. She agreed and Stede took her to the local funeral director’s where the nursing home said they’d notify the morgue to deliver his body.
When they walked out of the nursing home, she told Stede, “Willing to bury him, not necessarily willing to pay for his funeral but they didn’t leave me much choice.”
He put his arm around her. “Come on, let’s get this over with and then pick up my grandmother.”
Carolina was glad Stede had accompanied her. He was acquainted with the man who owned the funeral parlor and he in turn was very helpful to her and offered her a discount, considering the circumstances. After she chose a decent casket and the man arranged for her to purchase a cemetery plot, she decided on a small prayer service at the cemetery chapel. After that was accomplished, and they stepped outside, she whisked her hands up and down her arms and shivered.
“Two more days and that part of your life will be ended forever.”
“When we get back to your place, I’d like to make reservations to return to Washington on Saturday. That will give me a chance to unpack, freshen up my apartment and go grocery shopping before I go back to work on Monday. My boss has probably loaded my desk with new clients and the office mail will be piled up to the ceiling.”
“At this point, I’m not going to try to talk you into staying. But I want you to know that King and I will miss you terribly.”
“Stede, don’t…”
“Don’t interrupt. Let me finish. I hope that after you get back to your apartment and get settled in at work, and get all caught up, that you will begin to feel miserable. So miserable, in fact, that the only cure will be to call me and tell me you’ve made a huge mistake and then you’ll beg me to marry you.”
She giggled. “And what would you say if I asked, excuse me, begged you to marry me?”
“Well, I’d have to think about it for at least a second.”
“Hmm! Good answer. I’ll remember that, just in case I feel miserable and decide to call and beg.”
“All right. We have a deal.”
“I want to make another deal.”
“Now you’re pushing your luck. Let’s hear it.”
“I want this to be our goodbye. I don’t want you to say anything when I leave. I don’t want to get on that plane and cry for the next five hours. And no matter what you may think or feel about my leaving, I love you more than Juliet loved Romeo and I will never love anyone as much as I love you. Being with you has been the happiest time of my entire life and I will always remember every second we spent together and every word we exchanged.”
“And I promise to wait for you to call,” he said, giving her the one dimple smile and a wink. He made her insides feel like melted milk chocolate.
After he parked the SUV in front of his grandmother’s, he helped Carolina out of the car. “Come here,” he said, opening his arms to her. He kissed her gently, and then held her, memorizing the soft texture of her hair against his jaw line, the scent of her perfume, the smoothness of her skin, and the press of her gentle curves and slender body against his. Finally he released her and said, “Remember how much I love you.”
She felt her eyes burn and when she swallowed, her throat felt swollen and dry. She nodded and they went in to get his grandmother.
****
Carolina didn’t know where the time had gone before she found herself at the chapel in the cemetery burying her father. Her mother and Lizzie didn’t come, but Mrs. Dugan, Jenny, Manny and a few members of the staff at the nursing home attended, besides herself and Stede.
She thought, considering Carl’s temperament, the service and having people attend was more than he could have expected. She was glad she didn’t have to go to the gravesite to watch his body being lowered in the ground. But she did make arrangements for a headstone to be placed there although it would take several months before the stone was delivered. She had done all that was humanly possible and was grateful to put that part of her life behind her. The reconciliation had ended.
Carolina had invited those who attended to join her for lunch at the Italian restaurant after the service, and when she and Stede headed back to his place, she felt tired and emotionally drained. Carl had done that to her all her life. People always say that everything happens for a reason and she believed that putting an ending to this chapter of her life was why she found herself in Arizona.
That evening they planned to go out to dinner with Jenny and Manny and the next day, Stede would drive her to the Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport. Her stomach played tricks with her digestion and she felt light-headed.
Actually, she wasn’t sure what to do. There was no fairy godmother to come and make things right for her. She had never been this torn about whether or not she had made the huge mistake Stede mentioned. Yet she wasn’t prepared to change her mind. Everything was perfect between them except the rodeo and he never even hinted he was ready to retire from the circuit or willing to give up the competition if she remained. She didn’t blame him. She had no right to ask him to sacrifice the rodeo for her. Bronc riding was as much a part of him as world travel was to her. If he weren’t accomplishing daredevil feats that way, he would find some other way—stock car racing, mountain climbing, something.
Chapter Twenty-One
Carolina awoke before dawn on Saturday. She dressed and finished packing, and then sat on the edge of the bed fingering the envelope her mother had given her, waiting for Stede to take her to the airport.
He had spent the night dow
n in the hospital and she felt the strain that invaded both their thoughts and brought an upheaval in their relationship. She was certain if he had slept in the loft she would have gotten into bed with him and not for spoonin’; she’d have begged him to make love to her.
Sad and confused, she tore open the envelope. She didn’t think anything her mother had written could make her feel worse than she already did.
But she was mistaken. She dialed Lizzie’s cell phone.
“What’s wrong, Carolina?”
“I opened the letter mother gave me. Did you know about this?”
“Not until after you left Texas. I was shocked. What are you going to do?”
“Nothing for now. I’m leaving for the airport shortly. We’ll talk after I get settled in Washington.”
“Carolina. I’m really sorry about this. I love you.”
Carolina sniffed. “I love you, too, Lizzie.”
As soon as she hung up the phone, she heard King enter through the doggie door, his nails clicking on the tiled floor. Then she heard Stede enter the house and quickly stuck the envelope in her purse.
King rushed into the bedroom and she knelt down and hugged him.
She looked up and saw Stede leaning against the doorjamb.
His lips were tightened as he tilted his head. “It’s time.”
She watched him carry her suitcase and briefcase, stood and followed King to the car, wondering what she’d do without them.
As she fastened her seatbelt, she said, “I think I should have taken a shuttle.”
He laughed. “That would be pretty hard to do. Shuttles don’t get up this way too often. You would have had to rent a car and that isn’t necessary. I want to spend this last bit of time with you.”
“Don’t forget me. I know I have no right to ask, but can you give me some time.”
“No more than one, two years max.”
She smiled through her tears. “Why is this such a difficult decision?”
“It’s not, Carolina.”
His tone had changed and she knew he was upset with her. “I love you and want to make you happy. I think I’ve shown empathy and compassion for the things that you’ve suffered and I admire you not only for your achievements, but also for growing up alone, basically raising yourself, and turning out to be a woman who isn’t violent or bitter or an alcoholic, in spite of your beginnings.
“I thought that finding your mother and sister and seeing Carl and burying him would have helped you resolve some of the issues you struggled with most of your life. But every time you seem to make progress, you regress.”
He believed she was resolute in her determination to deal with the damage her parents had done to her, but he wasn’t certain she’d be able to accomplish that on her own.
“I’ve given you no reason to distrust me, although I hope plenty to miss me. I’ve been there for you over and over again. I don’t know what more I can say. You have to decide that I’m worth the risk of losing me in a rodeo accident, which doesn’t happen often, and trustworthy enough to be a faithful and loving husband whether I’m at your side or not, because it doesn’t matter if I am, if you don’t believe in me.”
“I’m confused right now. I don’t know what to believe. I hardly know who I am. I need to go home and reconnect with what’s familiar and undemanding and above all, holds no more surprises.”
“Surprises? Carolina, is there something else bothering you that I’m not aware of; you seem very troubled and distant?”
She shook her head. Her insides were screaming and she knew she’d have a headache before she even boarded the plane. She wasn’t ready to share the newest information she’d learned from her mother’s letter. She hadn’t had time to digest the words. She wished she could wiggle her nose and be home in a flash, like Samantha on Bewitched.
When they arrived at the airport, she had Stede drop her off at the curb to check-in outside the terminal. The sooner they separated, the easier it would be to collect her thoughts.
Carolina gave King a hug and petted him behind his ears. Her heart ached and she didn’t know how she’d get through the next five hours until she entered the refuge of her apartment.
Stede gave her bags to the man at the desk, along with a tip, and then he turned toward her and held her face in his hands, studying every feature before he looked in her eyes and kissed her.
“Call me and let me know you arrived home safely.”
She nodded and watched him pull away, her world fell apart. All she wanted to do was scream his name, beg him to come back, but she hadn’t changed her mind. She handed the man her ticket and ID and after he handed her the boarding pass, she went through security.
On the way to the gate, she stopped and bought some magazines and some peanut butter and cheese crackers to take on the plane.
****
By the time Carolina arrived at Reagan National Airport, she had become overly anxious to get home. She catnapped most of the time on the plane, watched a movie in order to avoid talking to the person seated next to her and hadn’t eaten anything but her crackers and a Pepsi. Now her stomach protested with hunger pangs.
She hailed a taxi and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the nation’s capital as they drove through the city. There was nothing more beautiful in her mind than flying into Washington. It was nearly eight o’clock and turning dark, and the lights of the city warmed her heart and made her feel welcome.
As soon as she opened the door to her apartment, her olfactory senses were assaulted with the musty odor from the summer humidity. Opening the windows and allowing more humidity into the rooms wouldn’t help, and she knew she’d have to wait for a fall chill to turn on the heat and dry out the place.
Instead, she turned on the AC and sprayed the rooms with a fragrance like spring rain. With a sense of satisfaction she surveyed the condo. No, her place wasn’t large and beautiful like Stede’s home, but the things in there were part and parcel of her stuff, including, she thought ruefully, the stacks of mail, mostly magazines and catalogues, that had collected while she was gone and that her neighbor had left on the island in her kitchen.
Next, she picked up the phone and called her local Chinese restaurant and placed an order to be delivered. Without question, she knew she’d spend the night crying, watching a movie and eating out of a carton. She played her answering machine and deleted all but two of the messages.
Then, shaking from a combination of hunger and nerves, she sat in her comfortable Victorian upholstered chair, picked up the receiver, and called Stede, settling down for a long conversation while she waited for her food to arrive.
He answered his phone before the first ring had ended. “Are you all right, Carolina?”
“I’d be great if only you were here.”
“Don’t think about us for now. Get settled back into your routine and call me later on in the week. It’s good to hear your voice and I’m glad you had a safe trip. Talk to you soon.”
The sound of the phone disconnecting surprised her. She hung up the receiver and let out a painful moan. He didn’t seem interested in having a conversation and was already distancing himself from her. Controlling her urge to cry, she picked up her suitcase, went into the bedroom and unpacked.
****
As soon as Stede hung up the phone, he realized that he had made a mistake. This was a woman smack in the middle of recovering from traumatic moments in her life and he wrongfully had expected her to make another life-changing decision in the middle of the upheaval, leave her home, and everything familiar to her.
He’d been unfair. When she wished he were there, he understood the burden he placed on her shoulders. And in regard to the rodeo, as much fussing as she’d done, she never once suggested or asked him to give up what he loved for her. He understood now that she loved him enough to let him go rather than take away what he’d always considered his first love. He’d been selfish and he made her miserable in the end, which was the opposite of his objective.
<
br /> He chided himself for being blind as he walked toward his bedroom. The entire house he had always thought full of sunshine seemed stark and empty without her presence. He looked around and couldn’t find a magazine or book or shoe lying around; nothing was out of place. She was gone and this was a fine time to discover that she was his first true love.
He felt bewildered about how to solve the dilemma of finding a way for them to be together again.
By the time he entered his bedroom, he felt dejected. He sat on the side of the bed and leaned his elbows on his knees. A piece of paper sticking out from under the spread caught his eye. He grabbed and unfolded the letter.
“Damn,” he muttered, “she forgot the letter from her mother.”
Giving into temptation, he read what Adele had written, “Dear Mary.”
When he finished reading the letter, he grabbed the phone and dialed information.
****
By ten o’clock that evening, Carolina had finished unpacking, started her laundry, gone through her mail and attempted to enjoy her dinner and watch a movie. But she had trouble sitting still. She was bored and lonely. She got off the sofa and went to get the letter from her mother she had crammed in her purse.
She opened the envelope and discovered the letter was gone. She tried to retrace her steps in her mind to figure out where she might have lost it. She was certain if she had dropped the letter on the floor at Stede’s she would have seen it when she gave the room a last-minute glance and certainly if Stede had found it, he would have told her when she called him.
Shaking her head, trying to rid her tired mind of the cobwebs, she called Lizzie on her cell phone rather than the landline in order to avoid speaking with her mother.
“Hey, Sis, how are you?”
“Miserable, Lizzie. Is mother around?”
“No, she and Royal took the kids to Dairy Queen for ice cream. Can I help you in any way with this situation?”
“Thanks, but I’ll be all right. I lost the letter though. I have the envelope, but it’s empty.”
“Do you remember the man’s name?”
Proud Mary Page 19
