by Luanne Rice
So I hit SEND.
“Who are you texting?” Nona asked.
Newton wrote back immediately: Sure I’m tutoring but will be done in an hour pick you up then.
Thanks, I write.
“She’s got a secret boyfriend. Who is it, Slater?” Nona asked.
“What?” I asked, glancing over just as Em leaned forward to read my screen.
“You’re texting Newton?” she asked.
“He’s taking me to the hospital,” I said quickly.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to pry,” Em said, giving me a quick hug. “Let’s go to Foley’s. We can wait for him there.”
I texted him back: I’ll be @ Foley’s.
K.
“TEN, TEN, together again, like old times,” Em said.
Foley’s was a big barn, the general store for Hubbard’s Point, with a café in back. Almost every beach kid worked there at some time or other, bagging, stocking shelves, serving grilled cheese and tomato soup and iced tea and the best lemonade on the Connecticut shoreline. TEN loved to sit at the small round tables where generations of lovers had carved their initials. It was our tradition.
I had found my parents’ initials on one table: TM + ML. Tom McCabe + Maggie Laughton. Nona’s parents’ were on another. Emily’s parents hadn’t grown up together, and it was odd and a little embarrassing that her mother’s initials were linked with another boy’s, not Em’s father’s. Newton had carved his and Roo’s. I had felt a little jealous of that.
We ordered lemonade, and as we waited for it, I touched the scarred wood and wondered if my initials would ever be there, immortalized with some boy’s.
“It’s been a while since we all came to Foley’s,” Nona said.
I nodded. I felt my friends gazing at me, half-nervous and half-hopeful. It was hard, because I couldn’t really talk about Roo. I wanted to tell them, You really haven’t lived until you’ve watched someone clean your sister’s feeding tube. Oh, and by the way, she’s like this because I texted her while she was driving. How could I say any of that?
“So where’s Newton looking at for college?” Em asked after a while.
I nearly laughed, it was such a normal question.
“You don’t know where?” Em asked.
“Nope.”
“ ’Cause you’re texting him and stuff.”
“Well, we have other things on our minds,” I said, checking my watch.
“Trinity,” Nona said.
“What?” I asked.
“That’s where he wants to go.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“He told me.”
“But why were you talking to him?”
Nona laughed, sounding anxious. She glanced at Emily as if for support, which struck me as hugely weird. Even in this short amount of time, they had definitely gotten closer since I’d been so preoccupied with Roo. My heart had always felt closer to Emily; her kindness drew me in. But I had an abrasive, Velcro-like need to be close to Nona, edginess and all.
“Why were you and Newton talking?” I pressed, and I knew I was being crazy. Emily and Nona had known Newton forever; he was like a big brother to all of us. But my emotions were nothing close to logical right now.
“Why wouldn’t I?” Nona asked.
“Because he’s Roo’s boyfriend.”
Nona took a very deep breath, gazed at me as if summoning infinite patience from deep inside. “He and I are friends, Mathilda,” she said. “Like since forever? Did you somehow forget that?”
“No,” I said. So why did it bother me so much? My heart was skittering inside my chest.
“You two are making way more of this than you should,” Emily said. “People are allowed to have friends, right? He needs all of us right now.”
“He needs Roo,” I said in a low voice.
“What’s your problem?” Nona asked. “I know you’re upset, but I’m on your side, okay? Newton’s going through hell, too. Everyone loved Roo.”
“Loved?”
“Loved, loves. Loved her the way she was, I mean.”
I jumped up. “She’s still alive, Nona.”
“I know, but everything is changing. I see what it’s doing to you and yes—to Newton, too. You punched him, Tilly. You know how crazy that is?”
“How do you even know that?” I asked, shocked. I hadn’t told anyone.
“Um, he shows up at school with a swollen lip?”
“He told you?”
“No,” Nona said. “Actually, Isabel told me.”
“You were just holding it inside to spring on me today?” I asked, thinking of what a traitor Isabel was.
“In case you haven’t noticed, everyone is walking on eggshells around you,” Nona said. “No one wants to upset you.”
“It’s true,” Emily said gently. “You’ve been through so much.”
Their words sliced through me. I’d gone through nothing compared to Roo, and whatever bad things I was feeling, I’d brought them on myself.
“It’s good to get this out in the open,” Nona said. “Em’s right—we’re all tiptoeing around you and it’s not good for anyone. Maybe that’s why Newton is mad at you.”
“He’s not mad at me!”
“Whether he’s ‘mad’ or not, you hit him in the face, and he’s been like family to you,” Nona said. “I have, too—I know I’m just your ‘quasi best friend,’ which sucks, if you want to know. You and Roo have always been like this,” she said, crossing her fingers and holding them up. “Okay, I get that Roo’s your big sister and your true best friend. But I’m your friend, and practically your sister, too. And you’re not letting me be.”
“I HAVE ONE SISTER,” I yelled, and everyone in Foley’s turned to look at me.
“No one’s saying otherwise,” Em said, trying to reassure me.
But she didn’t know about the cell phone and texts; she didn’t know what it was like to see Roo suffering so horribly. I wanted to tell them everything, and I also wanted to lock it inside forever. I couldn’t say a word, so I just grabbed my things and rushed out.
“Tilly!” Em called, but neither she nor Nona followed me.
I could barely see through my tears. Everything was crashing in on me. The texts, Isabel, Miss Muirhead, Nona possibly getting closer to Newton, me needing to talk to Roo, my own guilty feelings. Stumbling down the back steps, I teetered into the trash cans, balancing for one cool second before losing it.
Newton pulled into the parking lot, just in time to see me pitch face-first into the garbage. He jumped out of the car and helped me up, picking nasty slimy old lettuce and lemon rinds off my shoulder.
His hands felt steady and strong. I closed my eyes and leaned into him for a second. He braced me, and when I looked up, I saw him gazing into my eyes; we were standing so close I felt his warm breath on my forehead, and I lurched away before he could see me blush.
“You okay?” he asked.
“I lost my balance. Just take me to Roo, all right?” I asked.
“Yeah, Tilly,” he said.
“You want to go to Trinity?” I asked, once we’d gotten into his car and were heading under the train trestle, onto Shore Road.
“I’ll probably apply. Why?” he asked.
“Never mind.”
“Why do you sound so harsh?”
“Why’d you tell Nona?”
“We were just talking. I told her I want to go to a college in Connecticut, to be near Roo.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me about it?” I kind of shocked myself by how jealous I was sounding. And why was that? He was Roo’s boyfriend, not mine. But still, my chest felt tight, upset at the idea of him confiding in Nona. And I knew it was nuts—Nona would never go after him. My reaction was all me, and all crazy.
He laughed nervously. “I’m sure I’d have gotten around to it.”
“Yeah, well, next time tell me, not her.”
“Whoa, Tilly.”
“We have to keep it in the family, Newton,�
�� I said. “For Roo’s sake.”
“Obviously,” he said.
“Will you do me a favor?” I asked. “When we get to the hospital, will you let me go into her room first?”
“Alone?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“Sure. If you need to,” he said. And he didn’t ask why. That made my eyes sting again. He got me, he trusted me. I didn’t deserve the trust, considering what I had to tell Roo. But it felt so good to be understood.
Right then he did the strangest thing: He reached across the seat and grabbed my hand. It was awkward, the way his fingers clasped with mine, holding on for just a second, then letting go. My skin tingled from his touch, and I wished he’d held on longer, and that made me feel worse than ever. I yanked away, hard.
We headed out of Black Hall toward the bridge, passing the accident site. I looked for Miss Muirhead, but she wasn’t there. My mouth was so dry, I couldn’t have spoken even if I’d known what to say. I felt churned up over Newton helping me out of the garbage and the way he’d grabbed my hand just now. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way his hand had felt on my shoulder, the way his fingers had brushed against mine.
It was crazy, that’s for sure. He was the only person who got what I felt for Roo, and I understood his feelings, too. Our worry for Roo brought us closer to each other in a way that felt thrilling and dangerous. That’s all it was. I felt him glance across the seat to look at me; my cheeks burned as I blushed.
We couldn’t get to the hospital soon enough for me.
Tilly came tearing into the room. I thought I spotted Newton behind her, but then my view of the door was blocked by Raccoon—the petite young nurse who wears thick mascara, the one who ties with Indifferent for being my least favorite, the one who seems so put-upon by having to wipe my drool and change my catheter and adjust the splints on my hands.
“You know you’re not supposed to be here without your mother,” Raccoon said, following Tilly over to my bed. “You get too upset.”
“I’m fine.”
“I’m not trying to be mean, but my job is to look out for your sister.”
As if, I thought.
“Okay, fine, but I’m not leaving,” Tilly said.
“Do you want me to call security?”
Tilly completely ignored her. It was as if the nurse wasn’t there at all. It was just us, Tilly and me, and she pulled that ugly turquoise vinyl chair up to my bed rail, leaned over, and took my hand.
“Rooey,” she said.
I was answering her in my mind, telling her I am here, I am alive inside, I can hear everything! Just see me! I wanted that so badly. I wanted her to talk to me for once, to know I was here and not feel the way we had when talking to our dad’s grave, when we knew he was gone, that he wasn’t really there.
I saw her searching my face, my eyes, my mouth for a sign. I wanted to blink at her, but I couldn’t move my eyelids. I wanted to laugh, or groan, or say her name. I wanted to tell her, I love you, we’re sisters, trust yourself—you know I’m here.
“Rooey,” she said again, squeezing my hand.
Raccoon stormed out of the room, and I heard her saying in a loud voice that she needed help, the patient’s sister was here, could someone please call security to defuse a dangerous situation. Her voice finally faded away, and Tilly and I were alone.
“I love you,” Tilly said. “I think of you every minute. I can’t stand seeing you like this, Roo. I’m a mess. I feel so guilty.”
She gulped on a big sob, and I saw the tears rolling down her cheeks. My eyes filled, too.
“I have something to tell you. Something awful.”
I didn’t care what it was. I just concentrated with all my might on getting her to look, really look, at me and see me.
“I did something,” she said. “I am the reason you’re here. I hate myself.”
Don’t hate yourself, I wanted to say. Just figure this out!
“Okay, I’m going to tell you something about the day of your accident. Two things, actually. One thing is good. Lucan, that’s the dog, is fine.”
My mother had told me that early on, but I hadn’t heard a word about the dog since. I had been worried that she might have been lying to me, or maybe he had taken a turn for the worse. In any case, the news distracted me, momentarily, from my obsession to get Tilly to see that I was in here. I knew Tilly wouldn’t lie to me about this, and I felt a sense of relief, an unbelievable, momentary blip of semi-lifting of worry and stress.
“He has a broken leg, but it’s healing well. I saw him. He limps, but he’s going to be fine. Okay.” A deep breath. “The rest isn’t so great. I wish you could hear me. I wish you could just blink and let me know you know what I’m saying.”
I can’t blink, but I know what you’re saying! I wanted to shout. The stress was back, stronger than before. I needed her to get this; I didn’t have it in me to go on much longer. I can’t move my eyelids at all. Can you ask me something else? Can you look into my eyes and see I’m here?
“Can you please just,” she began, and I must have been exasperated, because all I could do was look up at the ceiling, a heaven-help-me moment. My eyeball flicked up and down. Tilly stopped mid-sentence, mouth dropping open. And then …
“Roo?”
I’m here!
“Oh, God,” she said. “Did you just look up? Did you just move your left eyeball? If you did, and you hear me, do it again.”
I did it again.
“You hear me?”
My left eye flicked up, then down. I had a very narrow field of vision: Tilly and the ceiling.
“Roo, is this real?”
I looked up.
“You know who I am?”
Duh, Tilly. I looked up.
“You understand what I’m saying?”
I looked up.
She grabbed my other hand, she was holding both my hands now, and she did a happy, screaming dance. We were doing a jig, only I was in my hospital bed. Still, I was doing it in my mind, and it felt real. A few moments passed while she hooted and danced like crazy and discharged energy for both of us.
Then she settled down, and I saw that Newton was there, too, summoned by her shrieks.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“Newton,” Tilly said. “She hears me. She’s in there! Roo!”
I looked up.
“See that?” she asked.
“What? See what?”
“She moved her eyeball!”
I did it again.
“Roo?” Newton said.
I looked up.
Tilly plopped down on the chair, heavily and with new gravity in her eyes, and peered at me more closely, as if she were trying to read tarot cards in my pupils.
“Okay,” she said. “I might be losing my mind, and I want to make sure. You can’t speak, and you can’t blink, but you understand everything I am saying?”
I looked up.
“Bear with me. Don’t look up until I say a true statement. I’m starting now. We live in France.”
I didn’t look up.
“My name is Henrietta and I hate owls.”
I didn’t look up.
“We do NOT love the beach.”
I didn’t look up.
“We are sisters.”
I looked up.
“Oh my God, oh my God,” she said, taking my hands and starting to dance again. I wished I could smile because, for the first time since I got here, I would actually grin. I wished I could dance because I would whirl Tilly around. Newton was frozen in place. I wanted to grab his hands and have him hold me and kiss me and dance me all the way to the stars.
“You can move your eye,” he said. “You can move your left eye!”
Yes, I can.
“If you can move that much,” Tilly said, “why not more? That must mean you’re going to be okay, the stroke was bad, but you’re going to get better!”
I believe you! I want that, too, and why not? My mind is fine, I’m a
ll here or all there, I am dying to get out of here, and now that you know I am the same inside, you can tell the doctors and I can really get better.
Just then, Raccoon charged in with two security guards and one of them approached Tilly as if she was a hardened criminal, but she stopped him with her smile, and she stood on her tiptoes and raised her arms into the air.
“My sister!” she cried out. “My sister is here! Get Dr. Danforth! My sister is awake; she can hear and understand us! She’s out of the coma!”
Then she leaned over, threw her arms around me, and so did Newton, and we were all holding one another, and that was all that mattered, and I forgot all about the fact that Tilly came here to tell me something terrible.
I held Roo so hard, and suddenly that look on her face, the frozen glacier grimace that had seemed foreboding, now seemed beautiful to me. My eyes were an inch away from hers, so close that when I blinked I felt my eyelashes mesh with hers. Newton was part of the hug, too, the three of us crushed together. I gripped my sister’s hand, pressed it between us; instead of feeling inert, it now felt warm and full of life.
Behind us, the security guards and nurse stood in their own knot, and I could hear them talking. Given my recent misbehaviors, I had expected to be hauled off. But that didn’t happen. I heard the nurse say she was going to page Dr. Danforth, as I had asked.
When Newton and I broke away from hugging Roo, he leaned into her, trying to see what I had seen. And he took over the questions.
“Roo, can you hear me?”
Her left eye flicked upward.
“You saw, right?” I asked him.
He paused, studying her face for other signals of intelligence and life within, watching for the subtleties that would indicate her essential Roo-ness. No one but me knew her better, so I trusted him, didn’t interrupt, just sat back and texted my mother: Mom, come NOW. ROO IS AWAKE!
“We’ve been so worried,” he said, stroking the back of her hand. “We’ve thought you were gone, that you’d left us. I want to believe that we’ve been wrong. And I want to believe that Tilly is onto something. But how can we know for sure? Can you tell me more?”
