by Quinn Ward
“Hold up,” Peter interrupted, leaning back so he could see my face. A cool rush of air across my neck made me shiver, and I wished he was still resting his head on my shoulder. “You seriously used me as spank bank material?”
“Um, yes?” My reply came out more like a question because I wasn’t convinced he’d take that revelation well. Just because he was gay didn’t mean he was into me.
“Fuck, we really should’ve talked about this when we were kids. Would’ve been so much better getting off with you instead of just thinking about you,” he blurted out. Fuck. He’d thought about me, too? “Damn, talk about a wasted opportunity. Anyway, continue.”
“That’s it. I sat there watching you for probably a minute, you spun around and realized I was there, you freaked out, I dropped the cookies your mom sent up and ran out of the house so fast you wound up bringing my bag with you to the church parking lot.” I’d debated telling Papa I didn’t want to go to the retreat, but that would’ve raised even more questions. Then, I’d been prepared to spend the entire week in the same clothes because there was no way I could’ve gone back to the Agnelli house. When Peter dropped my bag beside the church van, no one thought it was strange because the two of us frequently helped one another out.
“And this whole time I thought you ran out because you couldn’t be friends with someone as depraved as me,” he whispered, shaking his head.
“I know, Peter. I’ll never forgive myself for letting you think it was your fault.” Man, being honest with Peter was harder than I’d expected it to be. I wanted him to understand where I was coming from, but my life was turning inside out with every word uttered. The way he licked his lips as he patiently waited for me to continue sure as hell wasn’t helping.
“And what about now, Freddie? You said you’re probably bi. Is it something you’d be interested in exploring? If you are, and if you still think about me, then I think we were brought back together for a reason.” It seemed like a bad time to point out that the reason was his mother’s death. I wasn’t a believer in fate or destiny. “I can’t offer you forever, but I can offer you right now. And I promise you, whatever happens, it doesn’t have to be weird between us now that we both know the truth. All you have to do is have the balls to go after what you want.”
My breathing was ragged as I considered what he wanted to give me. I knew exactly what I wanted, but he was right; at the end of the day, it all boiled down to whether I had the courage to go after it. Him. Peter was what I wanted.
Realizing this was an opportunity I wasn’t likely to have again, I caved to a moment of lust-craze and pushed Peter back on the couch, bracing my hands against the back and the arm so I didn’t crush him. I could feel Peter’s breath across my face as I watched him for any signs of regret. Finding none, I lowered my mouth to his–so damn slowly, giving him every possible chance to tell me he was joking. He didn’t, and when our lips finally touched, my entire world narrowed to just us.
Peter wrapped his legs around mine, locking me into place as one hand curled around the back of my neck. Both of us moaned as the kiss deepened, and I got my first taste of the man who’d changed everything in my life.
For so many years, I’d deprived of myself knowing what it’d feel like to have my body pressed against the firm planes of another man rather than the softer slopes of a woman’s. Told myself it wasn’t something I needed, but as Peter lifted his head off the arm of the couch, forcing his tongue deeper into my mouth, I knew that’d been a lie. Not once in my life had a kiss turned me on as much as his. Never had I felt a consuming desire to push for more until him.
Peter obviously felt the same, because he arched off the couch, and for the first time ever, another man’s erection pressed against my own. Even through the layers of our clothing–or maybe because we were both dressed–it was beyond everything I’d imagined.
“I guess that answers that question,” Peter quipped when we were forced to break the kiss or suffocate. “I kind of hate us right now.”
“Why’s that?” I asked, combing my fingers through his mess of blond hair.
“Because that was seriously fucking hot,” he informed me, reaching around to cup my ass. Once our groins were aligned again, he started grinding against me. A voice in the back of my head told me I shouldn’t be doing this, but I couldn’t think of a good reason not to, so I kissed him again.
I thought I was prepared for anything at that point, but then Peter had to turn the heat up a notch by sliding his hand into the waistband of my pants. The tip of his finger dipped into my crease and I tensed. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to make you do anything you’re not ready for. Just want you to see how good it can be.”
“It already is,” I admitted breathlessly.
“Baby, you have no idea,” he whispered before nipping my ear. “I’m going to play your body like an instrument. Going to make you beg for more, scream when you come.”
To emphasize his point, Peter contorted his body until he was able to brush his fingers against my sac. Without being told, I widened my stance, allowing him easier access. Fuck, it felt so good to get off without having to think about the things I wished my partner would do to me. He gave my nuts a gentle tug, forcing my attention to what his hand was doing.
“You like that?” he asked, repeating the motion. “Me too. Fucking love the pressure, just on the right side of pain, keeping me from coming before my partner wants me to. Gets me off to see how long I can hold out.”
Fuck. He was a better man than I, because I was already close to shooting off in my briefs. Peter kept massaging my balls, allowing the tips of his fingers to caress my shaft. “Don’t stop, Peter. Please, whatever you do, don’t stop.”
“I won’t,” he promised. He bit the side of my neck hard enough I’d probably have a mark, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop him. Didn’t give a damn about how I’d hide the love bites or how much shit my brothers would give me when they saw them. The harder he sucked, the more I wanted him to cover my body, claiming me as his own.
But I wasn’t, not really. He’d offered me a safe way to experiment, not happily ever after. My erection flagged a bit as I remembered that eventually he’d have to go back home.
“You’re over-thinking,” he scolded me. “Don’t think about what happens next. Live in this moment we’re making together.”
Yeah. That sounded like a damn good plan. I closed my eyes as I started exploring his body with my hands and mouth. I tensed as my hand neared Peter’s waist. I could deal with everything we’d done so far, but this felt like a moment of no return. Once I took his dick in my hand, I’d unleash every craving I’d never sated. There would be no more denying that I was a bisexual man even if I wasn’t comfortable with the label.
Sensing my unease, Peter shifted our bodies so he was pressed into the back cushions of the couch and I was lying next to him. Facing him. Staring into those gorgeous fucking eyes. Eyes that begged me to make him feel half as good as I felt in that moment. I couldn’t deny him.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I gave into my curiosity and shoved my hand unceremoniously into his sleep pants. And holy fucking shit, there was no mistaking the abrasion of lace against my skin. “Do you... wear… oh fuck…”
I couldn’t string words together into a simple sentence knowing he was wearing lace underwear. Rather than rushing to a hand job, I cupped my palm over his length, feeling the contrast of feminine lace and masculine hardness.
“Not always, but sometimes they serve a purpose.” I stilled, not sure I wanted him to explain his logic. He caressed my cheek until I looked at him. “When I’m forced to conform to what others expect of me on the outside, I wear something that makes me feel sexy underneath as a reminder of everything I’ve fought for in my life. Plus, knowing I can stand in front of my old man without him realizing I’m wearing dainty underwear is like a giant ‘fuck you’ to him.”
“I hate that you feel that’s something you need to do, but fuck i
f I wouldn’t give my left nut for you to show me.” I licked my way across his neck and up to his ear. “Would you put on a show for me sometime?”
“Whatever you—”
The sound of my daughter sobbing wasn’t just a bucket of ice water on the moment, it was a high-pressure hose of ice water. I fell off the couch, grabbing at my pants as I tried to stand. Somehow, Peter managed to beat me to the front door and had Sophia in his arms before I could join them.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” I asked, ignoring the stab of jealousy when she burrowed tighter into Peter’s arms. He looked to me, wide-eyed and lost, but never stopped rubbing her back until her sobs calmed to sniffles and hiccups.
She tried telling us what’d happened, but every time she spoke, she started crying again, so Maria jumped in. “Some little a-hole at the park started picking on her, talking about how she heard that Sophia’s mom hated her. I tried to tell her not to listen to the bully brat, but the kid was relentless.”
“Where were her parents?” Peter asked right as I opened my mouth to ask the same thing.
Maria simply shook her head. “Her mom was off chatting with friends, all of them comparing pictures on their phones. I didn’t know what to do when she wouldn’t calm down, so I brought her back to the house. I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize.” Peter tried shifting Sophia in her arms, obviously fatigued from holding dead weight. I placed my hands in her armpits and this time, she let me take her. Peter and Maria followed us into the living room, and I sat on the couch with my daughter burrowed into my chest. “Baby, some people aren’t very nice. And I know it hurts, but if you let them see you upset, then they win.”
“I know, Daddy.” She sniffed back a sob. “I really tried, but she was just so mean. And she’s right. If Mommy loved us, she wouldn’t have left.”
“Oh baby.” My heart shattered into a million pieces. No matter how many times I told Sophia that her mommy loved her very much, but couldn’t stay with us when she had her own dreams to chase, it didn’t change the fact that someone Sophia counted on had left her.
The pieces of my heart pulverized to dust when I caught a glimpse of Peter hanging out at the edge of the room. As much as I’d enjoyed what we’d been doing, I couldn’t get involved with him. He was offering me a short-term solution to long-term denial, but in the end, he’d go back to his life and his dreams, and I’d be sitting here holding a broken-hearted little girl while trying to fill the void he’d inevitably leave.
6
Peter
I’d never thought about having a family of my own. A partner, possibly, but nothing more. I’d sure as fuck never considered the possibility of stepping into a ready-made family, but as I watched Freddie with his daughter, I wanted that. When Sophia had jumped into my arms, wanted me to be the one to comfort her when she was hurting, it gave me a sense of purpose I’d never felt before.
Sophia dozed as Freddie ran his hand over her head. I closed my eyes, wishing I was in either of their positions. Freddie used to be the boy I ran to when anything or anyone bothered me because I knew he’d make it better. And now, his daughter knew the same.
“You’re already halfway in love with him, aren’t you?” Maria asked as she pulled me into the kitchen. I watched as she started pulling the flour and sugar out of the cupboard. I was jealous of the way she moved through Freddie’s kitchen with ease, remembering right before I made a sarcastic comment Freddie mentioned she’d babysat for him. Hell, my own sister was closer to the life I was starting to wish I had than I was. With the man I wanted to share it with. And wasn’t that a kick in the teeth?
I didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. Hearing Freddie’s memories of the past brought suppressed emotions of my own bubbling to the surface. We’d been best friends, but had my feelings for him run deeper than I’d admitted to myself? Honestly, most likely.
“Petie, please don’t do anything stupid,” she pleaded as she pulled butter out of the fridge. “They’re just getting over that bitch wife of his taking off for good. I don’t know what he’d do if the two of you got together and you took off.”
“Sometimes all someone needs is a reason to stay.” Where in the hell had that thought come from? I’d never wanted to come home. While I’d found out too late that there was a decent gay community here, I could never have the life I’d made for myself in New York. But now, I couldn’t stop thinking about this alternate reality, and for once, I wasn’t going to make a hasty decision.
Too late, I realized how my comment might’ve sounded to Maria. She wouldn’t look at me as she cracked eggs with one hand, wiping tears away with the other. “I didn’t mean that, Maria. You know I would’ve stayed if Papa hadn’t made my life hell. I couldn’t stay. He’d have made me take over the bakery, and that wasn’t my dream.”
“I know that,” she reassured me weakly. “And I’m glad you did get out. You might not realize it, but knowing you were out there living life on your own terms made me the person I am today. Everyone thought I was this little kid, but I wasn’t stupid. You were always so sad. And you’d catch yourself staring at Freddie and get all flustered, like you were doing something you shouldn’t have.”
She had no idea how badly I needed her forgiveness. The entire time I’d been away, she was the one person in my family I remembered fondly. The sister I’d worried about, wondering what life had been like for her once I left. I drew Maria into my arms, resting my chin on the top of her head. “Thank you.”
Sophia woke up and I heard her begging Freddie to let her watch yet another Peter Pan based movie. I’d been teased mercilessly as a kid, forever dubbed Peter Pan after my unfortunate casting in our second grade play, that I stayed as far away as I could from any movies based on the story. Now, I found myself wishing we could all curl up on the couch together and I could watch with the innocence of a child.
“Man, you’re such a goner for him,” Maria teased as she started scooping cookie dough onto the baking pans. Without being told what to do, I started rolling the balls and shaping them into crescents. This was how our family always talked out whatever was bothering us.
“I think it’s a bit early to say that.” Right now, my head was filled with possibilities, but chances were, those were all pipe dreams. “And if I hang around for a while, it won’t be because of Freddie.”
And there was no if about me staying in town. I’d already sent a few emails this morning offering a couple of my upcoming jobs to friends I trusted to not fuck me over. That was the good thing about working for myself on a contract basis; I’d built a good enough reputation that I could call my clients later and tell them I had a family emergency to handle and they wouldn’t balk at whoever I suggested to take my place. Next, I just had to tell Freddie that I would love to take him up on his gracious offer. And if I was really lucky, we’d revisit what we started before Sophia’s meltdown.
“It smells good in here!” Sophia ran into the kitchen, Freddie behind her. “Are you making us cookies?”
“Our mama always used to make us cookies when we had a bad day,” Maria explained. “After what happened in the park, I thought you might like some when you woke up from your nap.”
“I don’t take naps,” Sophia protested. “I’m a big girl and Nonna says big girls don’t have to take naps. I was just resting my eyes for a little bit.”
Freddie peeked into the oven and beamed when he realized what we were making. Did you make these for a reason? The look he gave me asked.
Not me. This was all Maria, I replied by jerking my head towards Maria. True, they were the same cookies Mama had made that ill-fated morning, but it was purely coincidence that we were baking them now. A very welcome coincidence if Freddie’s excitement was anything to go by.
“Well, then it’s a good thing these cookies are for big people, not little kids,” I replied, trying to show Sophia I took her declaration very seriously. “And I was thinking, once the cookies are done, maybe you’d like to go shopping. I di
dn’t pack very well when I left to come down here and I only have a few outfits.”
“I need to shop, too!” she exclaimed. Everything being said with exuberance was something that’d take some getting used to. “Daddy said he’d take me, but he hates shopping. It makes him grumpy and he talks to himself a lot. Maybe if you’re with us, Daddy will be happier.”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’d take far more than that to change Freddie’s outlook on spending time at the mall.
“That sounds like a great plan. Why don’t you go upstairs and change out of your play clothes while the cookies cool,” Freddie instructed her. Maria made herself scarce soon after, leaving us alone again. “You don’t have to come with us. I can handle a few stores with her.”
“I’d hate for people to think you’re a lunatic, talking to yourself,” I teased. “Besides, I do need to go shopping if I’m going to stay in town to make sure Maria’s okay.”
“Is your sister the only reason you’re thinking about staying in town?” Freddie eased his way closer to me, pausing to listen for any indication that we were about to be interrupted again. Satisfied by the silence, he pinned me to the edge of the counter. “I don’t want to sound greedy or selfish, but I was rather enjoying what we were doing earlier. And I know you won’t expect more from me than what I can give.”
Even though I’d been the one to offer him a no-strings arrangement, hearing him list that as a benefit to experimenting with me stung. But it was good that he was setting clear expectations before we started anything.
I placed my hands on Freddie’s hips, tugging him close enough our midsections were plastered to one another. “That makes two of us. And if the offer is still on the table, I’d like to stay here with you.”
