When I turned to leave, I found Abbie standing there, blinking at me. I couldn’t read her expression and it made me nervous. Was she about to yell? I didn’t have the strength for another fight with her, particularly in front of my friends. Or whatever these people were to me now.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “You deserve to be angry with me.”
She cast her gaze downward, and I walked away.
Starting my car, I spotted Abbie running across the parking lot. She opened the passenger door and hesitated. “Mind taking me home?”
At first, I could only stare. As we stood there, her secret raced around campus and I was the reason. This didn’t make her angry?
“Hop in,” I said.
She buckled her seat belt and swept her hair over one shoulder. She noticed my staring and shrugged. “Like it wasn’t going to get around soon enough anyway.” Then she inhaled deeply and wrinkled her nose. “Have you been smoking again?”
I was sitting at the kitchen table with Dad and Abbie, discussing plans for the baby over plates of fried chicken, when Jodi called. Staring at the screen of my cell phone, I couldn’t remember the last time I saw her number flashing.
“I need to take this,” I said as Dad detailed father’s rights to Abbie. I backed away from the table. “Hey.”
“Skylar?” Jodi said. “Can you talk right now?”
“I picked up, didn’t I?”
“Look.” Jodi matched me snotty tone for snotty tone. “I’m calling to apologize, so you don’t need to be like that, okay?”
“What exactly are you calling to apologize for?” I asked. “Seducing my boyfriend and intending to humiliate me with it? Turning our friends against me?”
“About Abbie,” Jodi interrupted before I could go any further. “I like your sister, okay? I never meant for it to get out. About her being pregnant, I mean.”
“Well, good call on telling Alexis then. Really. A fabulous idea.”
“It happened in a moment of weakness, okay?” I heard her grit her teeth. “Eli had just gone on and on about how he’d made a mistake, how he wasn’t sure he could live without you. I wanted to hurt you back.”
“I never intended to hurt you.”
Jodi didn’t say anything for a moment. Then in a quiet, vulnerable voice, she said, “That doesn’t change that you did,” and the line went dead.
Nothing short of Abbie’s exhausted face and weak, “Would you mind terribly going and getting my stuff?” could coerce me into knocking on the Rosses’ door at nine that night. As I stood on their front porch waiting, Heather’s words danced around my brain, that I couldn’t wait around until I felt like serving, I just had to do it.
I sighed as a stampede of little feet closed in on the door. It’d be so much easier if God would just snap his fingers and make me a better person.
Amy answered the door with Cameron and Curtis close behind, adorable in thermal pajamas and wet hair.
“Come on in,” Amy said over Cevin’s elated yips. “Abbie just called to say you’d be over.”
I rubbed the soles of my shoes on the welcome mat before stepping inside. “Sorry it’s so late.”
“I’m just pleased you girls have worked things out.”
Cameron grabbed my hand and pulled me inside. “We went to the pumpkin patch tonight. Come see!”
“Boys, you can show Skylar, but then it’s bedtime,” Amy called after us.
Brian and Connor sat in the living room, watching something sportsy on TV. I turned on a nice smile for Brian’s sake. “Hi.”
“Guys, give her some breathing room,” Brian said to Cameron and Curtis. He rolled his eyes but wore a kind smile. Connor just blinked at me, like I was from another planet or something.
“Chris is upstairs gathering Abbie’s things,” Amy said after I’d properly admired Cameron’s and Curtis’s chosen pumpkins. “You’re welcome to go on up.”
“Great, thanks.” I glanced at Connor, who still looked at me like I was a strange animal, then headed upstairs.
I found Chris zipping Abbie’s bag. “I think I got everything, but probably not,” he said without looking up.
I leaned against the door frame. “Thanks for taking care of her.”
He shrugged.
“I’m glad she has you,” I added.
He only nodded and stared at her closed bag. It looked like he might have recently cried.
“What do you think will happen now?” he asked, nearly whispering. “With Abbie and the baby. Do you think she’ll get back together with Lance?”
“No,” I said. “My sister is crazy for you, Chris. She never felt this way about Lance.”
“But that doesn’t change that they have a child together. Or they will.”
“No, it doesn’t,” I said.
Chris continued staring at Abbie’s bag.
“No one expects you to help care for this baby, Chris,” I said. “But if you’re going to end things with her, please do it now.”
For the first time since I arrived, Chris looked at me. “She didn’t tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“She broke up with me this morning.”
“But that doesn’t make any sense.”
Chris shrugged.
“What did she say?”
“That it wouldn’t work out. That we’re better as friends.” He picked at Abbie’s monogrammed initials. “Other similar vague statements.”
“Chris . . .” But I didn’t know what I could offer to make him feel better. Not when I agreed with Abbie.
He handed me her bag.
“Thanks,” I said, and because it seemed there was nothing else to say, I left him alone.
I paused in the Rosses’ living room on my way out. “Thanks for everything, you guys.”
“Our pleasure,” Brian said.
My gaze rested on Connor. He blinked a couple times.
“Well, see you all Sunday morning,” I said, and headed for the front door.
Connor caught up with me in the entry. “Skylar, wait up.” He stopped a few feet away but didn’t say anything.
Abbie’s bag was too heavy for me to stand there and have a staring contest. “What?”
“I . . .” He shifted his weight to the other foot. “You’re dressing different.”
I bristled. “So?”
“So . . . So, I miss your old clothes.”
“Didn’t you once accuse me of placing too much importance on my clothes? I’d think you’d be thrilled.”
Connor shrugged. “Maybe I don’t like your reason.”
“What reason?”
“The girls making fun of you.”
Had my skin not been so dark, Connor could’ve seen the blood rush to my face. “Well, thanks for sticking up for me.”
He rolled his eyes. “You want me to be like Eli? Swooping in every time someone even looks at you wrong?”
“I’d prefer something between Eli’s swooping and your idle standing.” I fixed him with a hard look. “I need to go. Do you have anything else to say, or did you just want to add yourself to the mix of people critiquing my wardrobe?”
Connor opened his mouth, then closed it. He ran a hand through his hair, which desperately needed a trim. “I guess that’s it.”
“Great. Thanks for making sure I didn’t get through the door without hearing that.”
I charged into the frosty evening, the cold air refreshing my skin. What was wrong with him? Like I really needed more badgering with everything else I had going on. He wasn’t supposed to be criticizing me right now—he was supposed to be helping!
Not that I’d given him much of a chance, I admitted, with all my mixed signals. First I said to leave me alone, then I kissed him, and then I pushed him away when he asked what was wrong.
Just like my mom. She wanted Dad to work less, but she still wanted freedom to buy whatever whenever. She wanted to be accepted back home, but she didn’t want to accept the responsibilities of being a wife and a mother.
&nbs
p; As I backed down the Rosses’ long driveway and watched the bare shrubs and solar lanterns pass by, I thought how nice it would be if I could do the same thing in life—if I could put my life in reverse and erase my mistakes this summer. Of course, I’d also want to erase prom night with that loser senior. And I’d gotten drunk after the Valentine’s dance and said some stuff I didn’t mean. I’d like to rid my life of those moments too.
And therein lay the problem. If I could go back and fix mistakes, how far should I go? The spot where I’d veered off the ideal path was fuzzy.
“God, please make the right choices obvious,” I whispered as I backed into the street. “I’m no good at doing this by myself.”
When I averted my eyes to the gearshift and switched into first gear, a thud sounded against the hood. I screamed and released the clutch, killing the engine.
When I saw what I’d “hit,” I lowered my window and said, “Connor, what’s wrong with you? You just took ten years off my life.”
He moved to my window, his fingers curling into the interior. When he opened his mouth, no sound came out.
“What?” I said. “I’m in the middle of the road here.”
He remained silent.
“Okay, Connor.” I restarted my car. “I need to get home, so call me if you think of what you want to say.”
“Wait,” he said as I shifted into first. And then he kissed me. Or I guess you could call it a kiss. It felt more akin to him mashing his elbow against my mouth.
He pulled back, his breathing labored. “I love you.”
Again my foot slipped off the clutch.
“Sorry.” Connor ran trembling fingers through his hair. “I didn’t mean to do it like that. I meant to ease you into it, but then I just couldn’t think of what to say.”
He crouched beside the car. “Listen, Skylar. When I said what I did on your birthday, I really believed it. It wasn’t until you showed up at my door with Eli that I realized how much I really do love you. And this last week, it just killed me when you wouldn’t let me help.” He sucked in a breath and met my eyes. “What I’m trying to say is this—I want to be more than your best friend. I know you’re going through a lot right now, so we don’t have to make any big changes, but I needed to tell you how I feel.”
My body shook from restraining tears. “No.” It came out as a whisper.
He blinked at me. “Did you say no?”
I nodded and turned away. “I’m sorry.”
“Is this some kind of payback?”
“Of course not.” I traced the pattern of my steering wheel. “You’re my best friend, Connor. I couldn’t stand to lose you.”
“Who said anything about losing me?” He gripped my hands. “I understand you being leery, with what you’re watching your parents go through, but—”
“It’s not that,” I said, withdrawing from his touch. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“But why?”
“I just don’t.” I restarted my car. “I’m sorry.”
“Skylar, no,” Connor reached for the steering wheel and held it in place. “This is crazy. I want to hear a solid reason.”
I glanced at my rearview mirror, where dots of headlights grew larger. “Someone’s coming.”
“Then tell me quickly.”
“Think about everything that happened with me and Eli.” I looked into his eyes, hoping I could force this to stick with him. “I’m incapable of having a serious relationship.”
“That’s what you’re concerned about?” Connor laughed as if this were ludicrous. “I’m not Eli. I know you. I love you.”
I bit my lip for a moment. “Look at my mom.”
“You aren’t your mom.” He said each word slowly. “If you hear only one thing I say tonight, I want it to be that— you’re not her.”
I thought of our left eyes, the way they gave us away to anyone who knew to look, and gripped the steering wheel. “She’s in me.”
“But she’s not all of you.”
The car behind me honked. “I’m sorry.” As I pulled away, I glanced at him, at his hurt and confused face. Better to hurt and confuse him now than trample him somewhere down the road like I surely would. Like Mom had with Dad.
23
Ah, Saturday.
Never had it been such a welcome day to me. Today there’d be no Eli, no Jodi, and most importantly, no Connor. Sure, Monday would be awkward, but Monday was two whole days away.
I stretched in the warmth of the late morning sun. I’d lain awake for hours last night thinking about Connor, about his expression as I drove away. Had I made the right choice? When a guy as wonderful as Connor wants to be with you, is it ever right to reject him?
No, no, no, I was not going to let myself do this. I wasn’t going to ruin my entire weekend by dwelling on Connor.
With that resolution, I pushed myself out of bed and trotted downstairs for a late breakfast. No surprise, I found Abbie still in her pajamas. She sat at the kitchen table, evidence of a healthy breakfast pushed to the side while she studied a thick book.
“Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” she said without looking up. “I can’t remember the last time I beat you out of bed.”
“Well, don’t get used to it. This was a special occasion.” I reached into the refrigerator for the orange juice. “I had trouble falling asleep.”
Now Abbie looked up. “Something wrong?”
I pushed away the image of Connor’s beautiful, hurt eyes. “Nope.” I attempted pouring myself a glass of juice, but the carton’s contents barely covered the bottom of my glass. “Abbie! You took the last of the juice.”
“Don’t blame me.” Abbie patted the barely-there bulge of her stomach. She’d claimed last night that she was showing, but Dad and I disagreed. “Blame the peanut. I’m craving oranges.”
“Well, what am I supposed to drink with breakfast?” I grumbled, staring into the barren fridge. “Mountain Dew?”
“Dad left coffee in the pot.” Abbie gave me a faux-sweet smile. “You’re welcome to it.”
I made a face and filled a glass with water. I noticed Dad’s empty office. “Where is Dad? Did he go in today?”
Abbie turned a page of her book. “He’s at the grocery store.”
“Those are words I never thought I’d hear.” I sat across the table. “What are you reading?”
“What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Amy suggested it.” Abbie popped the remaining bite of whole-wheat toast into her mouth. “It’s terrifying. I didn’t know I should be so nervous about so many things.”
I smiled. “Maybe you shouldn’t read it then.”
“If I stop reading, I’ll think about Chris. I don’t want to do that.” She kept her eyes on her book. “I assume from your silence he talked to you.”
I took a sip of water. “He said you ended it.”
“Of course I ended it. What option did I have?”
“He wants to be with you. He wants to help.”
“I know,” Abbie said, her voice small.
“Why not let him?”
She gave me a look. “You can’t be serious. It would be so unfair to Chris. He’s a nice guy. A great guy. Why should he be stuck with a pregnant girlfriend soon to become a teenage mother? No.” Abbie shook her head, making her sloppy ponytail swing. “Not if I can prevent it. If Lance wants to be involved, fine, but not Chris.”
“Have you told Lance yet?”
She shook her head again, this time softer. “Dad said he’d go over there with me tomorrow.”
I reached for her hand and squeezed it because someone should—Mom—and I was the only one available. “I think you’re right about Chris.”
Abbie’s face beamed with gratitude. “Really?”
“Yeah. And no matter how Lance reacts or what he decides, you’ll have me.”
Then Dad barged through the garage door, grocery bags hanging from his arms. “Guess who has great news?”
“Uh, you?” I said.
Dad winked at me. “I always knew you were smart.”
“So what’s the good news?” Abbie asked.
“The Rosses are coming over for lunch.” Dad grinned at us. “Isn’t that great? I’m grilling salmon.” As he realized we weren’t celebrating, Dad looked up from unloading groceries. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I forced myself to say. “When do they arrive?”
“Not ’til 12:30. Plenty of time for you girls to get showered and come help.”
Abbie gathered her book to her chest. “I’ll go first.” She shuffled out of the room.
Dad raised an eyebrow at me. “Did I do something?”
“No.” I spun my water glass in quarter turns over and over. “She and Chris are sorting stuff out.”
“Oh,” Dad said.
During their phone conversation earlier in the week, Brian had apparently informed Dad of Chris and Abbie’s relationship. If it upset Dad, he didn’t say so.
Dad turned an inquisitive eye my direction. “What about you? You don’t seem too thrilled either. I thought you and Connor got along these days.”
I laughed. “Boy, do we.”
I cringed, but Dad laughed. “Well, that sounds suspiciously like a crush to me. What happened to Eli?”
I searched for a concise answer. “I met Connor.”
“And things are starting up with you guys?”
“It’s nothing.”
Dad took the chair beside me. “I don’t think it works that way, kiddo.”
“What do you mean?”
“Remember what I said to Abbie last night? We’re going to be a family who works things out together. You don’t get to pick and choose when that happens.”
I squirmed in my seat. “But, Dad, it’s boy stuff.”
“You’re in luck. Boy stuff is my expertise.” He wiggled his eyebrows.
I laughed and bit my lower lip. “You sure?”
“Lay it on me.”
“Okay.” I folded my arms on top of the table. “Connor told me he loves me.”
Although he tried to keep his face neutral, Dad’s eyes widened. “When?”
“Last night.”
“What did you say?”
“I didn’t know what to say.”
“Do you love him?”
I took a drink of water so I could swallow the lump in my throat. “Enough to know I’m no good for him.”
Me, Just Different Page 18
