by F. Anstey
CHAPTER VI.
Culchard makes a little Miscalculation.
SCENE.--_Garden of the Hotel Victoria at Bingen, commanding a view ofthe Rhine and the vine-terraced hills, which are bathed in warmafternoon sunlight. Under the mopheaded acacias_, CULCHARD _and_ PODBURY_are sitting smoking. At a little distance from them, are a YoungMarried Couple, whose honeymoon is apparently in its last quarter._
THE BRIDEGROOM (_lazily, to Bride, as she draws another chair towardsher for a foot-rest_). How many _more_ chairs do you want?
BRIDE (_without looking at him_). I should think you could spare meone--you can hardly sit on three at once!
[_After this interchange of amenities, they consider themselves absolvedfrom any further conversational efforts._
PODB. (_to_ CULCH., _resuming a discussion_). I know as well as you dothat we are booked for Nuremberg; but what _I_ say is--that's no earthlyreason why we should _go_ there!
CULCH. No reason why _you_ should go, unless you wish it, certainly. _I_intend to go.
PODB. Well, it's beastly selfish, that's all! I know _why_ you're sokeen about it, too. Because the Trotters are going.
CULCH. (_colouring_). That's an entire mistake on your part. MissTrotter has nothing to do with it. I don't even know whether she's goingor not--for certain.
PODB. No, but you've a pretty good idea that she _is_, though. And I_know_ how it will be. You'll be going about with her all the time, andI shall be shunted on to the old man! I don't _see_ it, you know!(CULCH. _remains silent. A pause._ PODBURY _suddenly begins to searchhis pockets._) I say--here's a pretty fix! Look here, old fellow,doosid annoying thing, but I can't find my purse--must have lost itsomewhere!
CULCH. (_stoically_). I can't say I'm surprised to hear it. It'sawkward, certainly. I suppose I shall have to lend you enough to go homewith--it's all I can do; but I'll do that with--er--pleasure.
PODB. (_staring_). Go home? Why, I can wire to the governor for more,easily enough. We shall have to stay here till it comes, that's all.
CULCH. And give up Nuremberg? Thank you!
PODB. I rather like this place, you know--sort of rest. And we couldalways nip over to Ems, or Homburg, if it got too slow, eh?
CULCH. If I nip over anywhere, I shall nip to Nuremberg. We may just aswell understand one another, Podbury. If I'm to provide money for bothof us, it's only reasonable that you should be content to go where _I_choose. I cannot, and will not, stand these perpetual interferences withour original plan; it's sheer restlessness. Come with me to Nuremberg,and I shall be very happy to be your banker. Otherwise, you must stayhere alone. [_He compresses his lips and crosses his legs._
PODB. Oh, _that's_ it, is it? But look here, why not tit up whether wego on or stay?
CULCH. Why should I "tit up," as you call it, when I've already made upmy mind to go? When I once decide on anything, it's final.
THE BRIDE (_to Bridegroom, without enthusiasm_). Would you like me toroll you a cigarette?
BRIDEGROOM (_with the frankness of an open nature_). Not if I know it. Ican do it better myself.
BRIDE (_coldly_). I see.
[_Another silence, at the end of which she rises and walks slowly away,pausing at the gate to see whether he intends to follow. As he does notappear to have remarked her absence, she walks on._
PODB. (_to_ CULCH., _in an undertone_). I say, those two don't seem tohit it off exactly, eh? Seem sorry they came! You'll be glad to hear,old fellow, that we needn't separate after all. Just found my purse inmy trouser-pocket!
CULCH. Better luck than you deserve. Didn't I tell you you should have aspecial pocket for your money and coupons? Like this--see. (_He openshis coat_) With a buttoned flap, it stands to reason they _must_ besafe!
"GOOD HEAVENS, IT--IT'S GONE!"]
PODB. So long as you keep it buttoned, old chap,--which you don't seemto do!
CULCH. (_annoyed_). Pshaw! The button is a trifle too--(_feels pocket,and turns pale_). Good Heavens, it--it's _gone_!
PODB. The button?
CULCH. (_patting himself all over with shaking hands_).Everything!--money, coupons, circular notes! They--they must have fallenout going up that infernal Niederwald. (_Angrily._) You _would_ insiston going!
PODB. Phew! The whole bag of tricks gone! You're lucky if you get themagain. Any number of tramps and beggars all the way up. Shouldn't havetaken off your coat--very careless of you! (_He grins._)
CULCH. It was so hot. I must go and inform the Police here--I mayrecover it yet. Anyway, we--we must push on to Nuremberg, and I'lltelegraph home for money to be sent here. You can let me have enough toget on with?
PODB. With all the pleasure in life, dear boy--on your own conditions,you know. I mean, if I pay the piper, I call the tune. Now, I don'tcotton to Nuremberg somehow; I'd rather go straight on to Constance; wecould get some rowing there.
CULCH. (_pettishly_). Rowing be----(_recollecting his helplessness_).No; but just consider, my dear Podbury. I assure you you'll findNuremberg a most delightful old place. You must see how bent I am ongoing there!
PODB. Oh, yes, I see _that_. But then I'm _not_, don't you know--sothere we are!
CULCH. (_desperately_). Well, I'll--I'll meet you half-way. I've noobjection to--er--titting up with you--Nuremberg or Constance. Come?
PODB. You weren't so anxious to tit up just now--but never mind.(_Producing a mark._) Now then, Emperor--Constance. Eagle--Nuremberg. Isit sudden death, or best out of three? [_He tosses._
CULCH. Sud----(_The coin falls with the Emperor uppermost._) Best outof three. [_He takes coin from_ PODBURY _and tosses._
PODB. Eagle! we're even so far. (_He receives coin._) This settles it.[_He tosses._
CULCH. (_triumphantly_). Eagle again! Now mind, Podbury, no going backafter _this_. It must _be_ Nuremberg now.
PODB. All right! And now allow me to have the pleasure of restoring yourpocket-book and note-case. They did fall out on the Niederwald, and itwas a good job for you I was behind and saw them drop. You must reallybe careful, dear boy. Ain't you going to say "ta" for them?
CULCH. (_relieved_). I'm--er--tremendously obliged. I really can't sayhow.--(_Recollecting himself._) But you need not have taken advantage ofit to try to do me out of going to Nuremberg--it was a shabby trick!
PODB. Oh, it was only to get a rise out of you. I never meant to keepyou to it, of course. And I say, weren't you sold, though? Didn't I leadup to it beautifully? (_He chuckles._) Score to me, eh!
CULCH. (_with amiable sententiousness_). Ah, well, I don't grudge youyour little joke if it amuses you. Those laugh best who laugh last. Andit's settled now that we're going to Nuremberg.
[MISS TROTTER _and her father have come out from the Speisesaal doors,and overhear the last speech._
MR. TROTTER (_to_ CULCHARD). Your friend been gettin' off a joke on you,Sir?
CULCH. Only in his own estimation, Mr. Trotter. I have nailed him downto going to Nuremberg, which, for many reasons, I was extremely anxiousto visit. (_Carelessly._) Are we likely to be there when you are?
MISS T. I guess not. We've just got our mail, and my cousin, Charley VanBoodeler, writes he's having a real lovely time in the Engadine--saysit's the most elegant locality he's struck yet, and just as full ofAmurrcans as it can hold; so we're going to start out there right away.I don't believe we shall have time for Nuremberg this trip. Father, ifwe're going to see about checking the baggage through, we'd better godown to the _depot_ right now. [_They pass on._
CULCH. (_with a very blank face and a feeble whistle_).Few-fitty-fitty-fitty-fa-di-fee-fee-foo; few----After all, Podbury, Idon't know that I care so much about Nuremberg. They--they say it's agood deal changed from what it was.
PODB. So are _you_, old chap, if it comes to that.Tiddledy-iddlety-ido-lumpty-doodle-oo! Is it to be Constance after all,then?
CULCH. (_reddening_). Er--I rather thought of the Engadine--more_bracing_, eh?--few-feedle-eedle-oodle----
PODB. You artful old whistling oyster, _I_ see what you're u
p to! Butit's no go; she don't want either of us Engadining about after her. It'sCharley Van Stickinthemud's turn now! We've got to go to Nuremberg. Youcan't get out of it, after gassing so much about the place. When you'veonce decided, you know, it's _final_!
CULCH. (_with dignity_). I am not aware that I _wanted_ to get out ofit. I merely proposed in your----(PODBURY _suddenly explodes_.) What areyou cackling at _now_?
PODB. (_wiping his eyes_). It's the last laugh, old man,--and it's thebest!
[CULCHARD _walks away rapidly, leaving_ PODBURY _in solitary enjoymentof the joke._ PODBURY'S _mirth immediately subsides into gravity, and hekicks several unoffending chairs with quite uncalled-for brutality._
