by Allen, Jacob
Was my personality just that naturally grating on Jackie’s that we couldn’t last? Or maybe I was just putting too much pressure on myself to try and make this work. Either way, I was feeling a little nervous about how it was going.
“Oh, Kevin, that’s sweet,” she said, throwing seemingly another turn at me. “But…”
Enough already, goddamn!
“Just take me to the park so we can chat. You know I’m an introvert.”
“I do,” I said with a smile.
“You do?”
“Well, would you have stated what you did if you didn’t think I knew?”
Jackie was speechless, and I couldn’t help but chuckle at how cute she looked right then. And to think, this was the girl I was so mean to for so long.
“Come on,” I said, putting my hand around her shoulders. “Let’s go to the park.”
15
Jackie
“You know,” I said as I got into the car. “Part of the reason I’m surprised you know so much about me is that you just always seemed to push me away. I know Adam told you I asked him this, but I always thought that you just hated me.”
“Nah,” he said. “I pushed you away because you reminded me of what I am and what I’m not.”
That was almost the exact same thing Adam said about him. They’ve talked about me before, or this is a stunningly massive coincidence.
“What does that mean?”
But Kevin pretended not to hear me, turning on the car and turning up the stereo just enough to make it clear that he wasn’t going to say anything more.
For the ride over to the park, I was willing to let that slide. I didn’t want to put him in a bad mood, especially when he could have turned his car right back around to Providence Prep and dropped me off at the car. I already felt like I was putting him on edge by saying I didn’t like the zoo; I sincerely appreciated the thought, even if it was a bit misguided.
But when we got to the park and we were alone, I could no longer pretend that I could just let the question slide. When Adam hadn’t answered it, I understood—he didn’t want to speak on behalf of his friend. When Kevin didn’t answer at first, I understood—it was too abrupt.
There were no more reasons he couldn’t say anything else now, though. It wasn’t like we were alone but had people walking by us; we were at a private, quiet park where there was no one in sight. Even in the darkness, we could see the entire park, and I didn’t see anyone around. Someone would have to have hidden themselves before we showed up for any of Kevin’s secrets to get out.
“Kevin,” I said when we took a seat on the benches. “I know you don’t like getting pushed, and I understand that some things will be off-topic. But we’re on a date here. I’m not pushing you. I’m trying to understand.”
Kevin went very stiff as he stared straight ahead. His body was like that of a statue, unable to so much as lift a finger. Only the occasional blink gave any indication that he was present.
“I know I need to work on not being a people pleaser so much, and I know that I can come across as being an in-the-clouds hippy, but you have to avoid digging your head in too deep. I don’t just want us to go out on this date, go to Sadie Hawkins, and then never talk to each other again. I want—”
“I hate being poor and I hate my father.”
He spoke with no emotion; his voice was as cold and unwavering as I’d ever heard it. He hadn’t turned to face me when he spoke; in fact, I’d almost kept speaking and missed what he said entirely. If I hadn’t been watching his mouth, I probably would have missed it.
“Why?”
But he didn’t say a word.
I suppose taking off too many layers at once would prove too difficult. I wasn’t just removing a layer of defense; it was probably like removing a layer of skin. I gave Kevin several moments of silence to see if that might encourage him to say something, but he was as tight-lipped as the dead.
OK, so he wasn’t going to say anything about his father or his background. But there was something I could say instead.
“You never did say if you hated me or not,” I said. “It’s come up a few times, but you never have.”
Kevin looked at me, his face softening by the moment, a smile curling on his lips. Suddenly, I began to get a very strange feeling that he was about to do something very bold and something very memorable.
“Kevin?”
“Every time I’ve opened my mouth tonight, it’s gotten me into trouble,” he said. “So rather than tell you the answer, I think I’m going to show you.”
Oh, Kevin…
Now it was my turn to sit nervously, unable to move, as Kevin leaned in closer to me. I knew what was happening, I knew there was a part of me that felt this was too soon, I knew that part of me wanted to not go with this…
But there was so much of me that had been wanting this moment for far too long, had been pushed to the side for far too long, that to ignore it would have been just as much a lie as accepting it. I couldn’t say no to my desires, no matter how much “logic” wanted to say otherwise.
I needed this.
And in any case, before I even had the chance to reconsider, his lips were pressed against mine, and my eyes had fluttered shut.
It was perfect. His kiss had just enough eroticism behind it to turn me on, but not so much to make me think he only wanted sex. His lips were wet enough that I wanted to suck on them, but not so much that it was sloppy. His hands went to my back and held me tight enough that I felt in his control, but not so much that I didn’t feel trapped.
And more than anything, he’d built up just enough time that it didn’t actually feel too soon, but not so much that it felt like it should have happened an hour ago.
He’d found the perfect middle ground. And because of that, I had what quite possibly qualified as the greatest kiss I had ever experienced.
“Oh, Kevin,” I said with a huge smile as I pulled back.
“Have I made up for my mistake with the zoo?” he said.
I laughed. What else could I say? Of course he’d made up for his zoo “mistake!” I didn’t even consider it a mistake, just a lesson. And besides, I was feeling so good I forgave him for just about everything else.
“Yes, you have,” I said. “You can future-proof yourself if you kiss me more, though.”
“Oh?” he said. “I’d be a fool to pass up an opportunity like that!”
And so it was that for the next ten minutes, all we did was kiss on that park bench. I lost myself in his tender kisses, allowing the tension to ratchet up and the intensity of the kisses to grow with every passing moment. I didn’t want to leave this park, ever. I didn’t care if I missed school. I didn’t care if I grew old on this bench. I just wanted to stay with Kevin, here.
Unfortunately, reality intervened at some point. An old security guard who seemed a little sympathetic to us—he laughed and apologized as he told us to move along, explaining that he had to account for the bad teenagers—moved us out. Kevin told me he didn’t have any other plans, but at this point, I didn’t need any other plans. I just needed to have one more thing confirmed.
“So you know how you said you’d be a fool to pass up an opportunity to future-proof yourself?” I said, his arm around me as we headed back to his Civic.
“Uh huh…” Kevin said, curiosity underlining his voice.
“Well, I’m about to make another offer you can’t refuse.”
“I knew you were the mafia, damn!” Kevin said, sending us both into a laughing spell.
“No, silly. I was going to ask you if you’d like to go to Sadie Hawkins. And I’ll let you answer with words or actions. Or, maybe bot—”
Ever the romantic, Kevin did not let me finish. He swept me back up into his lips, pressing me into his Honda Civic as his kiss said yes.
“Yes, I’ll go with you,” he said in between kisses.
I almost broke the kiss out of laughter. That was a significantly better “problem” to have in comparis
on to what I was used to dealing with when it came to Kevin.
Really, the only strand left still bundled up—well, from tonight, at least—was Kevin saying he hated his father and his socioeconomic class. I supposed I couldn’t do much of anything about him hating his father; I loved my parents. While I couldn’t make him rich, I imagined I could reach out to him and help him become more comfortable with his status. My parents didn’t have much money, but that didn’t affect us.
Maybe that’s what Adam and Kevin himself meant when they said that I reminded him of what he was and what he wasn’t. My presence reminded Kevin that he was actually a poor kid, not a Broad Street Boy rich brat, and that he didn’t have a happy family. Or maybe I was just overthinking it and there was something else to it.
But in any case, that was not something I needed to spend any time thinking about. That could come in the reflection on the evening over the weekend; for now, I just vowed to stay present with what little activity we had left.
Kevin and I got in his car and headed back to Providence Prep, and it was perfectly silent. I wasn’t sure we could have found any words that properly encapsulated how we both felt right now; to speak would be to go against our introverted tendencies, anyways. It was the best to just let the night stars dance on behalf of us.
When we got to Providence Prep, there weren’t any vehicles left. Once again, we had privacy. But while I loved the idea of making out with Kevin more, getting caught in the high school parking lot was a little less appealing than doing so in a park.
“See you on Monday?” Kevin said.
“Or maybe even sooner?” I suggested.
Kevin chuckled and bowed his head.
“Much as I’d like to, that would be tough,” he said. “But we can get something set up for Monday.”
“That would be lovely,” I said. “I had a wonderful time tonight, Kevin. I look forward to having many more like it.”
“Sounds delightful.”
We shared one more sweet, slow kiss before I finally shut the door of his Honda Civic, but most certainly not the door on our budding romance.
16
Kevin
Four and a Half Years Ago
The goal for my lunch break was simple.
Find out if Emily Zane was single or not.
Of course, that required some work on my part and some asking questions, a task which I was not particularly fond of. It meant I’d have to talk to strangers. But if it meant finally having friends in Adam and Nick, it was something that I was willing to do.
The first thing I did, when lunch rolled around, was I asked Adam and Nick who she was. Adam just laughed, while Nick smiled silently. They told me to look for a group of three, and she’d be the hot one. She would be with a brown skinned girl and a taller girl.
Unfortunately, that didn’t narrow it down a great deal. While most of the school was white kids, there were also a fair amount of minorities, so just looking for the brown-skinned girl didn’t narrow it down at all. I went to the first group I saw, asked if one of them was Emily Zane, and they just gave me looks.
“Why, do you like her?”
“No, no, no,” I said quickly, but I realized that telling the truth might be even worse. If I blurted out loud that I was doing it for Adam, I knew the jokes would never end. “Just, had a question about school. She was in my class, and, umm, she would know.”
The girl rolled her eyes.
“My name is Jane, and I can’t believe you confused me for Emily Zane,” she said with not the slightest bit of apologetic attitude. “If you’re looking for her, look by the vending machines. That loser is over there.”
I quickly withdrew without another word. I’d never felt so small. I swore I could hear Adam and Nick laughing.
I saw the table Jane was referring to and I headed over.
And when I got there, I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life.
But it wasn’t Emily.
It was the mixed-color girl. She wasn’t brown-skinned. She was more tanned, almost Mediterranean looking. She had curly brown hair, a gorgeous smile, and a spirit about her that made me fall for her on the spot.
And then she saw me and said the word that had me into her for the rest of my middle and high school career.
“Hi.”
* * *
Present Day
It was a strange feeling to say that the last sixteen hours or so had gone about as well as I could have ever asked for, and I didn’t just mean with Jackie.
The zoo fiasco aside, everything about the date went as well as I could have hoped for. Kissing her after all this time raised the simple question of “why did I not do this sooner?!?” but other than that, everything felt great. I had a beautiful, exotic woman—no, that wasn’t right. I had the beautiful, exotic woman from Providence Prep in my arms, pressing her lips on mine, the two of us having not just a date but a memory.
And then, on top of that, when I got home, my father was actually passed out cold! Not only that, when I woke up and headed to Broad Street to plan the Valentine’s Day party with the rest of the boys, my father hadn’t woken up yet. In short, I had gotten through the entire span of time since Thursday without encountering my father, and in fact had not felt his abuse since that Monday.
That’s what you called a fucking good week.
Which only begged the question of when the other shoe would drop. That’s how these things always went. Something good would happen, and then either the gravity of my life or just some general shit would go down, ruining everything.
I didn’t think it would happen because of Jackie, though I could never know for sure. That was the “joy” of the other shoe dropping, you see. You never knew where it came from, and it often came from out of nowhere.
I parked my Honda Civic at the entrance to the neighborhood, requiring to walk nearly a quarter of a mile just to get to Adam’s place. Even now, without the pressure of other students and the appearance of being a Broad Street Boy, I could never be careful enough. Despite the fact that the entire school probably knows you own that car anyways.
Doesn’t matter.
With my bulky frame, I broke into a sweat before I got to the house, and when I knocked to see Ryan answer, he laughed when he saw me.
“Kevin ‘Taco’ Torres, right this way,” he said, mockingly moving his arm forward.
“Swear to God, call me something like that ever again, and your ass will be six feet under this floor.”
“Ohhh, I’m so scared. What else could I call you? Carnitas? Pork? Should I just keep going through the meats, or—”
“Enough, Ryan,” Adam said from the pool table in one of the side rooms.
It’s a strange world when Adam is the one defending me from being mocked and called names.
“We can make fun of him for looking like a Final Fantasy character once we get this party planned,” Adam said, leading the two of us to the table where the three of us and Nick usually sat to discuss party plans. “In the meantime, though, sit your ugly ass down.”
“Don’t be jealous just because I have the looks you wish I had.”
“You’ll be jealous that I have the fists you wish you had,” Adam retorted.
This went back and forth for a few more seconds before Ryan eventually relented, though that had more to do with boredom than deference to his older brother. I didn’t really miss having a sibling in some regards; I didn’t really care to have to deal with someone yapping at me all the time like Ryan.
But, fucked up as it might sound, I would have much preferred someone else to share my father’s violent tendencies with.
I took my seat as Adam slid me a coffee.
“So here’s the deal, boys,” Adam said. “We’ve got this, the spring break party, and then the end of the year party, and that might be it for all of us.”
Shit. Put that way, he’s right.
Hearing it out loud feels a lot more different than thinking it as I had before.
> “So we need to make sure that these three parties are the type of memorable event that people will be talking about when they have their own kids,” Adam said. “Whatever you can think of, spare no expense. Obviously, I can just put it on my parents’ card. Ideas. Go.”
This was how it usually went. Adam liked to let us provide the ideas, he’d smash them all together, and then he’d pick out whatever he liked. It wasn’t a particularly democratic process since Adam made the final decisions, but none of us ever pretended the Broad Street Boys were a democracy either. Without Adam, there wasn’t really a ringleader to take care of it all.
Though I certainly didn’t mind reminding him that didn’t give him carte blanche to act like a giant jackass all the time.
“We should have a single’s room,” Ryan said. “You’re not allowed to be in there more than five minutes without talking to someone. Will be delightful to see some of the nerds interact that way.”
“OK, so, I didn’t know that my party would turn into a Saw movie, but that’s the only idea we’ve got so far,” Adam said with a smirk. “Nick, Kevin? Thoughts?”
“Hell if I care,” Nick said.
Adam sighed. He looked like he wanted to nip at Nick, but a glare from me shut him up. I knew all too well what it was like to have your most sensitive spot—
“Damn right you’ll care if you want a spot at this party,” Ryan said. “These two may be too pussy to say it, but don’t let the fact that you suck at sports prevent you from being a part—”
“Ryan!” Adam shouted.
Thank God Adam interrupted as he did, because Nick looked like it would have only taken one or two more words for him to snap and break Ryan’s neck.
“Nick, we’d appreciate any insight,” Adam said. “Kevin! What are your thoughts? We need to get you a valentine before you get a venereal, so any ideas you got to get you laid are welcome.”
