by Leddy Harper
They had a large cooler by the pool, where the women were. Christine and Janelle sat on the edge with their feet in the water, talking to Nikki, who floated in the shallow end. Stacey and her mom were off to the side, applying lotion to Stacey’s two kids, Alex and Kinsley, while Rachel fed her daughter on a lounge chair.
“Holden, come here.” Nikki waved me over. “We need a man’s opinion on something.”
I decided this was my golden opportunity to really get under Janelle’s skin, so rather than just go over there, I took off my T-shirt and stepped into the water. Janelle groaned beneath her breath, but I ignored it. “Hello, ladies. What would you like my opinion on?”
“A woman’s appearance.” Nikki smiled and wagged her brows while Janelle groaned and covered her face. “Imagine there are two women standing side by side, one has on jeans and a T-shirt, and the other has on a skirt and blouse, think executive style. The one with jeans has her hair in a ponytail and the other has hers styled. Which one would you look at? As in…which one would you be interested in?”
“I’m going to need far more information than that. Such as…the woman in jeans, are they tight and fitted, or loose and baggy? And this T-shirt you speak of…is it one of those that cuts low and shows off cleavage, fitted so it hugs the waist and hips? Or is it something she grabbed from the men’s rack in Wal-Mart?”
Nikki snickered and shook her head in disbelief. “Should’ve known not to expect a simple answer from you, but fine. Tight and fitted to all the above. And before you ask, the other girl’s clothes are just as tight. So now…which one would you choose?”
I pretended to think some more before asking, “Are they nice or bitchy? I mean, which one seems more approachable? And more importantly, what are they doing? Are they talking to each other, like would I be interrupting a conversation, or are they strangers?”
“You’re impossible,” Janelle said with a laugh. “I told you he wouldn’t give you a real answer.”
“Oh, I will. I just need all the facts first. You can’t give me two vague options and expect me to pick one. For instance, what if the girl in jeans has a disgusted look on her face? That would be enough to make me not approach her. Is the woman in the skirt standing flirtatiously, just waiting to pull the next victim into her web? If so, I probably wouldn’t come within ten feet of her.”
Nikki paused for a moment, appearing to process my words. “Explain.”
It took everything in me to not look at Janelle when I spoke, because if I did, I’d give myself away. “If I approach someone, it wouldn’t be for a random hookup. I have no interest in that anymore. So if I stopped what I was doing to go speak to a woman, it would have to be someone I would want to become acquainted with. If she doesn’t look like she could have fun lounging around on the couch with me on a lazy Saturday afternoon, then I wouldn’t give two shits what she wore. It’d be a waste of my time. My ideal woman is someone who can joke and even laugh at herself when the occasion calls for it. If someone isn’t comfortable in their own skin, then I have no interest in her.”
“But how would you know all that by simply looking at her?”
“Easy.” I chanced a glance at Janelle and almost became sidetracked by the shadow of a grin dancing at the corners of her mouth. “It’s in the expressions. It’s easy to tell if a smile is genuine or not. And you can’t fake an effortless laugh. Even without hearing the sound, you can tell by the way her head tilts back and how much she closes her eyes if it’s the kind that’s capable of breathing life back into you. Because that’s the kind of laughter everyone needs around them. We all have crappy days, but the one thing that can make them better is when you come home to that sound.”
“You are thinking far too much into this,” Nikki said with a giggle, bringing me back to the present. “And you’re clearly the wrong person to ask. I told Janelle she needs to update her wardrobe if she ever expects to grab a man’s attention, and she said if a guy isn’t okay with her clothes then she doesn’t want him.”
“I’m sorry, Nik…but I have to agree with your sister on this one.” I stared at Janelle, waiting for her to say something else, but she didn’t. Instead, she narrowed her gaze at me, twisted her lips to the side like I’d seen her do dozens of times, and then nodded to herself, as if having an entire one-sided conversation in her head.
However, nothing shocked me more than the perceptive grin on Christine’s lips.
“What did I just walk into?” Stacey asked while stepping into the pool. “Everyone got so quiet.”
We all chimed in with “oh, nothing” at the same time, which only served to make us seem like we were hiding something. I was about to get out and leave them, unable to handle the stares and silent suspicions, when Janelle turned to Stacey and said, “I’m glad to see you’re not hovering on death’s doorstep.”
“What do you mean?” Stacey showed genuine confusion, as well as the rest of us.
“Tony got me sick, and I swear I thought I was about to die. I’m not sure how you didn’t catch it from him. You must have an amazing immune system.”
I knew where this conversation could go, and I didn’t want to walk away in case Janelle needed my support.
“How did Tony get you sick?” Stacey regarded her with sincere curiosity.
“Holden said he was sick, and that’s why you guys weren’t at Mom and Dad’s last weekend.”
“Oh, yeah…he wasn’t feeling well so we thought it’d be best to just stay home. But he couldn’t have gotten you sick.”
My chest tightened when I noticed the confusion in Janelle’s eyes. “I guess I just assumed it was him because I haven’t been around anyone else who hasn’t been feeling well. I ended up having the flu and strep at the same time. Talk about knocking on death’s door. What did Tony have?”
Janelle had no idea the can of worms she’d innocently unleashed. Her question was akin to watching a tsunami on the horizon without being aware of the damage it would cause. Everything went eerily silent. We were outside in a public area on a holiday weekend. Aside from going deaf, it was virtually impossible for things to be this quiet. My chest tightened, and I couldn’t decide what to do. My sight bounced back and forth between them and it felt like decades passed during the wordless encounter.
Stacey turned to the rest of us to seek help, but we all kept our mouths closed and waited for her to make the decision. “He was just tired and weak. Nothing a little rest couldn’t cure.”
Janelle’s hesitation spoke volumes, and as soon as I turned my attention to her, I found her eyes set on me. “What’s going on?” She was smart enough to pick up on the body language that left thick tension behind. “Can someone start talking before I get pissed off?”
“Don’t get mad, Jelly.” Christine tried to calm her by placing a supportive hand on her shoulder.
But Janelle shrugged it off. “I’ve tried really hard since I arrived for you guys to stop alienating me. If you think I haven’t noticed the unspoken innuendos, you’re wrong. The only thing I’ve been told over and over again is that you all want me here. I’ve been assured countless times that everyone is happy I’m home and so thankful to have me back within the fold. I’ve truly tried to believe that. But I have to tell you…actions speak louder than words and I can feel what you aren’t saying.”
“You know why we moved here a couple of years ago, right? Because Tony lost his job?” Stacey waited until she received Janelle’s nod before continuing. “Well, he lost his job because he’d gotten sick. He ended up missing too much work, and they couldn’t hold his position for him any longer. No one could tell us what was wrong. We went to countless doctors and specialists searching for answers. Instead of answers, the information we received only created more questions. Medical bills started stacking up, and we couldn’t survive on my paycheck alone, so we packed up and moved here.”
“You finally got answers, though…right?” Janelle’s eyes brimmed with tears.
“Well, it took over a y
ear, but yes, we finally received a diagnosis—Lupus.” It was obvious to us all that Janelle had no idea what that meant. Finally, Stacey picked up on her sister’s silence and offered more information. “It’s an autoimmune disease. Basically, his immune system attacks itself and causes him to get really sick.”
“Stacey, I’m so sorry that you’ve gone through all this. Is he better?” Janelle’s voice shook as she spoke the words, and I could tell what she’d heard had upset her. The amount of pain her sister had suffered while supporting her husband through this disease was unfathomable.
“We were fortunate to finally receive a diagnosis, but unfortunate because Lupus isn’t curable. He’ll have it for the rest of his life. Sometimes the symptoms can worsen until they become debilitating, which is what happened a couple of weeks ago. He has flare ups, but the more we learn about it the more we’re able to manage his symptoms with medications and treatments. So we’re hopeful.”
As Janelle absorbed this news, she looked at each of us, and then turned her head to take everyone in, including the family members around the grill by the pavilion. “So everyone knew? Everyone, but me? I’m the only one in the family who didn’t know about this?”
“They were all here when it happened, Janelle.” Stacey’s words were meant to calm the storm brewing inside her sister, but I could tell it didn’t work.
“But no one has ever uttered one word about it. When I’d call Mom from college to check in, none of this was mentioned.”
“It’s not like we were intentionally keeping it a secret. No one said to not tell you. It’s just you weren’t here, and there was no point in calling you up to share this with you. They were here—”
“Yeah. I got that part.” Janelle’s voice remained even, calm on the surface. But I knew her well enough to see the act before me. The hurt clear in her gaze. “It doesn’t matter, though.” She took in an audible breath before continuing. “The most important thing is that Tony is okay. That’s all I care about. And I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you, Stacey. I’m grateful you didn’t have to deal with it alone. And from now on, if you need me, I’ll be here, too.”
Janelle’s act seemed to have worked on everyone else. They ate it up like chocolate cake at a birthday party. But I didn’t. The blue in her eyes brightened—like they do just before tears make an appearance. If anyone else took notice of the same things, they’d assume it was sadness.
But I knew the difference.
I realized Janelle wasn’t ready to be rescued just yet, so I excused myself from the pool, dried off, and went back to meet up with the rest of the guys. However, I refused to take my eyes off her so I’d be cued in to when to go to her. She was an adult, fully capable of taking care of herself, but if I were there, she had someone else she could depend on.
She remained with the rest of the women, but it took less than twenty minutes before Janelle vacated her spot by the pool. Once the kids joined them, she used that opportunity to leave the group and head over to the restrooms.
Acting as nonchalant as possible, I waited for her to exit the women’s side. She yelped when I grabbed her wrist and tugged her around the corner, but as soon as I had her back pressed against the building with my arms caging her in, she seemed to calm down.
“What are you doing, Holden?” she reprimanded me in a harsh whisper.
“Just checking to make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”
I shrugged, wondering if I had made a bigger deal out of it than there was. “You seemed upset after Stacey told you about Tony. You don’t have to pretend with me, Janelle. If you’re upset, tell me. We can talk about it, we can leave, we can do whatever you want.”
“I told you, I’m fine.”
“You were on the verge of crying…just like you are now.”
“That doesn’t mean—”
“It means you’re mad. You keep forgetting how well I know you, Janelle. Just like it’s obvious you’re upset about Tony having Lupus, but you’re too angry over being kept out of the loop to fully absorb what your sister and brother-in-law have gone through.”
Her jaw dropped, and her gasp spread between us. And as if finally giving in to her emotions, her bright eyes glistened with forming tears. “I have no right to be mad. But I am. And I have no clue how to change it. I get how selfish it is to be pissed off over them not reaching out to me when a family crisis occurred, but I still can’t help how wounded I feel.”
“Just get it out. Let me take the weight off your chest.” I wiped away a tear.
She closed her eyes and resigned herself to the situation. “They’ve made me feel like I’m solely responsible for alienating myself from the family. Yet when I came back, they treated me like a stranger. They’re the ones who locked me out and refused to budge even an inch to let me in. They created this entire support system and didn’t need me. They’ve made me into an outsider. Even Christine and Matt. I didn’t even know they were pregnant the first time.” Her tiny fists slammed into my chest. “And you…they even told you about all this. You were not only informed about Tony but you came to their rescue by paying off their bills. I’m literally the only one here that wasn’t let in on any of these important situations of my ‘loved’ ones.”
I had nothing to say, but she didn’t need to hear my words. She only needed someone to listen.
“It’s so stupid, because I have no right to be angry about any of this. I could’ve come home or called more often. I could’ve made a better effort to be included, and I didn’t. I have no one to blame but myself. I’m fully aware of this…so why am I so mad at them?”
“Because it’s always easier to blame others than it is to look in a mirror and accept the parts we played in it. No matter who you are or what situation you’re talking about, we’re all guilty of doing it. But at least you recognize your role and the blame you carry. Once you move through the anger, release it all, you’ll be able to look within yourself and figure out how to turn it around.”
“Why did you come looking for me?”
I wiped away one last tear, certain she wouldn’t have any more. “Because I know you, Janelle,” I whispered as I lowered my face to hers.
Seconds before I pressed my lips to hers, she turned her head and offered me her cheek. Her breath hitched, and she shoved against my chest, fear brightening her wide eyes. “Holden!” she scorned in a harsh whisper. “My family is here. They could see us.”
With my fingers wrapped securely around her upper arm, I pushed her against the wall, ending her attempt at escape. I carefully held her face in my hand and covered her mouth with mine, cutting off the argument on the tip of her tongue.
The kiss didn’t last long, though it didn’t need to be to give her the message. As I backed away, lust draped my voice when I growled, “Let them see us. I don’t care.”
17
Janelle
I was seconds away from exiting my car when the phone rang, making me pause and check the caller ID. It was an out-of-area number, the screen reading “New York,” but I had no idea who it was. I didn’t know anyone from New York, so I sat there and waited for the ringing to end. Then I waited even longer for the familiar alert, notifying me of a new voicemail.
“This message is for Janelle Brewer. My name is Samantha Verdurmen, and I’m with the Reality Bites production team on the show you participated in, Soul Mates. We have been trying to follow up with you and Connor Murphy to get an update on your progress. Please give me a call back so we can catch up. Thank you.” Then she spouted off the same number that had been displayed on my caller ID before disconnecting the call.
I certainly wouldn’t be able to outrun the situation, and at some point, I’d have to answer a phone call and provide answers—either to the show or Connor. But I wasn’t ready just yet. It’d only been a little over a week since Holden and I had started…whatever this was between us, and I had no idea where things stood. I figured I’d give it a little bit longer
before deciding my next step. I’d gotten the feeling from Holden that he wanted more with me, which I wanted as well, but I also had to think about the money and what part that played in my future.
I deleted the message and climbed from the car outside Holden’s office. My heart pounded harsher with each step I took, and as soon as I opened the door to head inside, I thought I might vomit all over myself. My nerves had absolutely nothing to do with seeing Holden and everything to do with the chances of running into my brother. No matter how many times I tried to tell myself it was fine, I still didn’t believe it. Maybe because I wasn’t simply there to drop lunch off for my roommate and friend who’d left it at home on his way out. I was convinced Matt would take one look at me and know I’d slept with Holden.
A lot.
Like I somehow had it written all over my face in black permanent marker: Your best friend has given me countless orgasms.
And then beneath that in smaller letters: with his hands, his mouth, and his very large and impressive cock.
All I wanted to do was slip in and slip back out, unseen, absolutely no attention brought to me, whatsoever. Yet I should’ve known that was an impossibility. Ever since Holden had called me this morning, asking me to bring him the lunch he’d forgotten in the fridge, my stomach had been in knots and my heart refused to beat a normal rhythm. I’d told him this was a bad idea, but he swore nothing would go wrong. He promised there wouldn’t be any issues.
It seemed he’d forgotten about the hot lesbian who sat at the desk by the front door.
“Good morning, Janelle. What are you doing here? Come to see your brother or…Holden?” The way she quirked her eyebrow and taunted me with his name rubbed me the wrong way. She hadn’t meant it maliciously, but like she’d been privy to more than she was supposed to. And if that were the case, I’d kick Holden’s ass.
I held up the brown bag and smiled. “Holden left his lunch, so he asked me to bring it up to him.”
