by Leddy Harper
But that all vanished once my eyes latched onto the words on her screen. The many, many words that created conversations between her and this other man. Syllables containing betrayal and lies, proving I’d been wrong about everything this entire time. Even if I wanted to fantasize and say she’d chosen me—or at the very least, chosen to see where things would go between the two of us—I couldn’t. Not with their conversation in front of me.
Connor: Are you in love with him?
Janelle: No.
Connor: Then what are you waiting on?
Janelle: Give me a week. I think I have an idea.
Connor: I don’t have much choice do I?
The time stamp showed a week had passed between that message and the next one. However, when I thought back to the dates around the last conversation, the one when he asked if she loved me and she told him no, it had been less than two weeks. And if my memory served me correctly, that had been around the time when she’d had a change of heart. When we’d decided to see where things would go between us before making any decisions regarding the divorce. When affection had turned from friendship to complete commitment. At least on my part. Now I knew it was only playacting on hers.
Connor: It’s been a week. I need an update.
Janelle: Be patient.
Connor: I’ve been patient. I want my money.
Janelle: So do I. Trust me, I have things I need it for.
Connor: Then what’s taking you so long???
Janelle: I can’t just walk out the door or force him to sign the papers. If I don’t play by his rules, he won’t sign, and then we’ll have nothing. So you need to chill the fuck out. OK? We still have time.
By that timestamp, I was sure we had already had the discussion. The one where she’d accepted the storefront I’d offered her for her business. Reading her words about wanting the money ate at me. They crawled into my chest and festered until I couldn’t breathe. But I forced myself to continue reading. I needed the truth.
Connor: The show wants an update.
Janelle: I know. They’ve been blowing up my phone. Figured they’d eventually reach out to you.
Connor: What am I supposed to tell them?
Janelle: IDC. We have until the beginning of July. Tell them we decided to get married in June.
Connor: Why the hell are we waiting that long?!
Janelle: I didn’t say we were…just tell THEM that.
The next text messages were random and all from the last few days. It didn’t appear she’d responded to any of them, but I wasn’t stupid. I was very aware you could delete texts. I wasn’t certain if she had, and I hoped these being left behind meant she hadn’t, because I couldn’t fathom deleting only her texts and not the others.
Connor: So what’s the progress with him?
Connor: Hello??
Connor: What is this plan of yours?
Connor: Did he fall for it?
But it didn’t truly matter if she’d deleted them. There was enough damning evidence left behind that couldn’t be ignored. I couldn’t excuse anything she’d told him, and even more so, the questions her words created in my mind forced me to reexamine everything I’d thought to be true.
She wanted the money—that had never been a secret—but the one thing I’d always refused to think about was her taking any of mine. From the beginning, we had always discussed a clean divorce. I’d sign the papers, and she’d carry on with her life. Done deal. Clean break. No arguing, no fighting over possessions. Nothing. But now, I couldn’t help but wonder if she’d had a different plan all along. One I didn’t know about.
She was aware I had money. Maybe not how much, considering I hadn’t gotten rid of my first house, the one I bought when Matt and I had first started out, before we began to actually make real money. I’d kept the house for a couple reasons; aside from it being my first home and that it held sentimental value, I’d also bought it thinking I’d one day share it with my wife—who at the time was Janelle. And aside from renting her that storefront, telling her she didn’t need to worry about it for now, I’d never flaunted what I had.
Then again, I’d practically begged her to let me be her husband and take care of her financially until she was able to get on her feet with her own business. I’d even declared she didn’t have to work. And then there were her words from a little over a week ago when she told me she wasn’t worried about being hurt—her concern was me getting shafted in the end. When I’d given her the envelope containing the lease, she’d made such a big deal about what would happen if we were divorced, that this lease would make things complicated. Now it became all too apparent why it caused concern. She’d never stopped planning for divorce.
It had basically been spelled out in front of me, if only I’d opened my eyes to see it sooner. Instead, I’d chosen to live with my eyes wide shut, fooled by her naked body in my bed every night. She’d blinded me from the start with who she was—my best friend’s sister, the girl I’d known over half my life and been in love with for years. Who would’ve ever thought someone that close to me would’ve been capable of stabbing me in the back? I never did. And even standing here now, staring at her own words—practically a signed confession—I still didn’t want to believe it.
But it was true.
And I was the only one to blame.
This entire time, I thought I had the upper hand. I thought I was safe from harm, that she’d never do anything like that to me. For some stupid reason, I had it in my head that what happened between us was more than this, more than lies and stealing and heartbreak. I’d let my guard down, but I was wrong. Then again, all I had to do was take a good look at her actions and I should’ve been able to predict all this.
This was the same girl who’d turned her back on her family. She’d taken her parents’ hard-earned money and used it to party for five years, going after a degree she didn’t need. Her dream job was to throw parties for a living. That should’ve been enough to slap me in the face, but it wasn’t.
It all fit together perfectly, no matter how badly I didn’t want to believe it. If she waited a little bit longer, she could take more from me than just my heart. I’d made all my money in the course of our marriage, which meant she was entitled to half of it. And then once she finished taking me to the cleaners, providing the given year hadn’t expired, she could marry the asshole and make even more money.
I was such a fool.
I’d asked for this, all because I wanted to bring her family back together. Well, it seemed I had succeeded in doing so, only I’d managed to ensure that my position in the family expired.
“Hey, Janelle?” I locked her phone and set it back where I’d found it. She was still in my bathroom, but rather than walk all the way into my room, I stood by the doorway and called out for her. “This is a family thing, so I think I’m gonna stay out of it.”
She peeked her head around the corner and scrunched her brow in question. “What? That’s silly, Holden. You are part of the family. He’s your best friend, and you’ve kind of been a big part in this since the beginning, right? You deserve to be there to celebrate with everyone else.”
“Nah. This is a Brewer thing. Plus, Matt and I already celebrated the other day at lunch. Tonight is for the family. I don’t think anyone has been told, and I suck at acting surprised, so it’d be best if I didn’t go.”
“That’s not what’s going on.” She stepped into the room, and I feared if she came much closer, I would lose my composure and tell her everything—which I couldn’t do until I had time to dissect it all. “What’s wrong? What happened after you walked out of here a few minutes ago?”
“Nothing. I was just thinking about this whole thing and realized I really shouldn’t be there.”
“Are you just going to stay here? If that’s the case, I’ll stay with you.”
“No. I actually think I’m going to meet up with some guys I haven’t seen in a while and hang out. I don’t want them thinking that just because I ha
ve a woman living with me it means I can’t make time for them.”
“Oh…okay.” She nodded slowly, and I knew she didn’t believe me, but I didn’t have anything else to offer. “What time will you be home? I don’t think the dinner will last too long, but I can come home whenever you do.”
I licked my bottom lip, hoping the pain in my chest would lessen. “Eh, you take your time. This is a big deal for you guys, and it’s an even bigger deal that you get to be included this time. The entire family will be together while your brother shares probably the biggest news of his life.”
Rather than wait for her to say anything else, knowing I wouldn’t be able to handle much more, I retreated and grabbed my keys off the table. She never came out of the room, and behind my closed eyes, I pictured her standing in the same spot just outside the bathroom, next to her side of the bed, confusion settling in every shallow crease on her perfect face. I didn’t want to be responsible for putting the pain in her eyes, but I didn’t have much of a choice.
And as I drove away from my house, from my wife, I reminded myself that I hadn’t been the one to make the decision. She had. I didn’t make her lie to me. She did that on her own. I didn’t make her lead me on for money. That had been her choice. The only thing I had done was give her my heart.
Foolish me…I never thought to ask her to take care of it.
19
Janelle
Dinner at Matthew’s house was good—better than good. The entire family was excited to hear the news, and even more thrilled to find out how far along they were. At sixteen weeks, they were able to find out the sex of the baby, but they’d decided to keep that to themselves for a little bit longer. I didn’t blame them. With the stress and worry over the last three months, praying every day that they’d make it to the next, fearful that saying anything or having the slightest bit of hope would somehow jinx it, they deserved to keep a little something for themselves.
So many things started to make sense. Such as why Christine never got in the pool over Labor Day weekend when we were all at the park. I noticed she had put on some weight, but I would’ve never guessed it was baby weight. She didn’t even have a stomach yet. It also made sense why she was so anxious when she had to take me to the clinic. It wasn’t just bad memories, but because she knew she had a life inside her, and when I realized that, it made my heart hurt for her. Even though it all worked out, I couldn’t help but be upset with myself and Holden for having her around me when I was so sick. Had she caught it, things could’ve been made worse.
But I refused to allow myself to think negatively. It didn’t matter what could’ve happened, the important thing was that it didn’t—which Matthew and Christine made sure of. Apparently, their previous miscarriages all happened between weeks eight and eleven. This time, when they made it to week twelve, they didn’t tell anyone because they wanted to wait until after the doctor’s appointment. Once they saw their doctor and even got to see the baby, they still weren’t ready, worrying that announcing the news too soon would cause bad things to happen. And each week they made it to the next, there was one more reason to wait. Finally, after their last appointment, in which they were able to find out the gender, they decided it was time.
I only wished Holden had been here to experience this.
Matt had asked where he was, and when I told him what Holden had said to me before leaving the house, he gave me an odd look, but I ignored it.
Something was going on with Holden, and I was afraid to say too much for fear my brother would figure things out. Then again, I began to wonder how bad that would be. I’d started to think a lot more about this at night while curled up in Holden’s arms. While he slept, his soft, even breaths dancing along my chilled, bare skin, I’d lay there with my fingers playing in the short, curly hairs on the side of his head, imagining how everyone would react if they knew the truth.
Just thinking about the curly hairs on the sides of Holden’s head made me want to rush home and climb beneath the covers with him, just so he could lay his head on my chest and I could run my fingertips through them. When he let his hair grow too long, the curls went away, and they’re only noticeable just above his ears. The top of his hair had some body to it, but rather than give it a curly look, it made it seem more like he’d just crawled out of bed. Or ran his fingers through it a couple million times. Or really, it looked like I’d taken ahold of it while he buried his face between my thighs—which was a more plausible reason than anything else, considering how much he enjoyed spending time down there.
“I’m so excited for you two. I really am. As soon as you guys decide to reveal the gender, make sure I’m included. And if it’s a party, let me plan it. I have so many ideas, and I can totally do it without knowing what you’re having. I don’t have the office set up yet, but this would be a really good reason to get my butt moving.” I hugged Christine and patted my brother on his chest. “I’m really so happy for you guys.”
After saying goodbye for the hundredth time, I finally got in my car and headed home. I’d spent hours at their house, all of us staying late, and had assumed Holden would be back by the time I pulled in the driveway, but I didn’t see his car. I wondered if he’d parked in the garage, which he used to do all the time when I’d first moved in, but now he seemed to prefer to keep his car next to mine in the driveway. I never asked, and he never explained. It just was what it was.
But when I opened the front door, I realized he still wasn’t home. I tried his cell a few times, but he didn’t answer. I figured it was noisy where he was so I switched to my text messages, thinking I had more of a chance of him answering that. But when I pulled up the app, I noticed the last message from Connor, and suddenly, Holden’s absence made sense. Connor had asked if Holden had fallen for it—whatever “it” was. If that was all Holden had seen, I wouldn’t be surprised why he took off. But it didn’t show me I had an unread message, so I assumed he’d read it all. And if he did, he’d see I hadn’t responded in a while.
Figuring he only needed a few hours out with his friends, maybe a few drinks to deal with Connor’s ignorant text, I sent him a simple message: I’m home…will be waiting for you naked in bed. I added a winky face and prayed that would be enough.
As I lay in bed all alone, I realized far more than I ever did with him next to me, and I immediately hated how that happened. The line, absence makes the heart grow fonder, is rather accurate, but I loathed that it was. We shouldn’t have to lie in bed next to a cold, empty spot to realize just how much we need the person who occupies it. We should know that every night while that person is there. But for reasons I’d never comprehend, it’d taken this long for me to see everything clearly. Either that or it was the news of Matt and Christine’s baby. Whatever it was, I had a lot to think about, but at least I had plenty of time to do it in, considering it didn’t seem like Holden would be coming home anytime soon.
I’d loved Holden almost my whole life. When I was younger, it could’ve been described as puppy love. Infatuation. It was hearts on a notebook and our names sketched in script on lined paper. As I got older, it developed into a deep friendship. He was someone I could trust, someone who would never hurt me and would protect me. He truly was my hero, and staring at the ceiling now, I knew when I had given him my heart.
Yes, I had been upset and heartbroken over the whole Justin situation, but if I stopped and truly looked back at that time in my life, I’d see how quickly I had actually gotten over that breakup. Most of my excuses for coming to see him, spending time with him on his couch, wasn’t because I was upset over some kid who probably wouldn’t have lasted longer than ten seconds in bed. I’d gone to see Holden so much because I’d wanted to. I’d wanted to see Holden and be with him, share the same air as him and feel him next to me.
The five years that followed that time had been a mistake on my part. Had I known then what I knew now, I more than likely never would’ve moved away to college. And if I did move away, I would’ve made su
re to stay more in contact with my family—all of them. But more than that, I would’ve made sure to keep Holden in my life. Because I needed him. I needed him then, and I needed him now.
It wasn’t like I’d spent all this time uncertain of what I wanted, whether it be Holden and a future with him, or the money from the show. I comprehended exactly what I wanted, even before Holden had discussed waiting it out to see how things would go. I was simply too scared to make a decision, because my entire future rode on whatever I chose. And no matter what Holden said about what happened after Vegas, how I’d disappeared and turned my back on him—he was the one who’d vanished. I had no recollection of that night, and he knew it, and rather than comfort me, fill me in on what I couldn’t remember, he ignored me. I understood his reasons for staying away, how he must’ve felt during that time and the guilt he carried around with him. But that was no excuse. The last five years could’ve been so different had he acted on it, and no matter what he said now, nothing would make that fear go away. The fear of him doing it again. Of me giving up fifty thousand dollars for him, only for him to vanish once more.
Much like he did tonight.
When I opened my eyes, realizing I had fallen asleep at some point, the morning sun bathed the room in its soft glow. I stretched, and then immediately sat up, realizing his side of the bed was still empty. It hadn’t been slept in. Fear choked me, worst-case scenarios flickering through my mind. I jumped out of bed, threw on the first T-shirt I came across, and flung the door open. I didn’t find him in the living room, but when I peered through the front window, I noticed his car parked in the driveway next to mine. That’s when I heard noises coming from down the hall.
