I had to admit that I couldn’t disagree. Kyle said a part of him actually admired anti–status quo thinking.
Yeah, but there’s no truth anymore, I said. Just opinions.
He pointed out that it had ever been thus. Even the idea of objective truth, as proved by science or law, was a recent invention.
All we’ve known for millennia has been hunches and impulses and opinion, he said. Who’s to say that isn’t our true nature?
I should make clear that this kind of conspiratorial thinking only ever reared its head a few times in our many meetings, and I’m probably letting future events colour my recollection of things by spending so much time writing about it here. I was deeply invested in the group, and had a genuine affection for each and every member, even if there were elements that occasionally unsettled me. Sometimes, the elements that unsettled me unlocked the most profound revelations. The most obvious example of this was the first time that all of us tuned.
We were sitting in a circle in the middle of Howard and Jo’s living room. Our eyes were closed. The older among us were sitting on decorative cushions from the couches. The furniture had been pushed back against the walls, and the coffee table had been moved into another room to give us space. The ten of us sat quietly, but not in silence, for there was no such thing as silence, as I had come to learn. We were listening to the infinitely complex aural tapestry unfolding around us, and we were giving ourselves over to it. As we became aware of a sound we named it so as to isolate it, examine it, and incorporate it into our being.
The neighbours’ wind chime, I said.
I could hear its soft, random tinkling through the bay window. It reminded me of clinking glasses being carried by a waiter. My grandmother’s garden, filled with tiger lilies. The hot summer wind.
After a long moment, Leslie murmured—Wind through the trees in the backyard.
And yes, I could hear it too. Its hushing, like the waves on a beach.
There was another long pause, in which the air was thick with concentration.
There’s a bird, Mia said.
Two birds, I think, Nora said, a few seconds later.
A dog began to bark in a distant backyard, and Emily and Kyle both noted it at the same time. After another minute or so, Damian remarked on the car that could be heard driving slowly past us, down the crescent.
It’s braking at the stop sign now, he said. And it’s turning—
Which direction? Jo asked.
Left, towards Sanderson.
We continued this for the better part of an hour, listening with exhausting intensity, until Jo said—And now I’m going to ask everyone to slowly bring their awareness inside the room. Paying attention only to the sounds they hear within these four walls.
I could feel a shift in our collective consciousness, as we began to tune ourselves to the intimate sounds immediately around us. It was as if someone was turning the manual zoom on the camera lenses of the room, and we were being pulled deeper into it.
The air conditioning, Leslie said, after some time.
Emily mentioned the clock, ticking on the mantel.
My breath, I said, and Nora echoed it back—My breath.
The cracking of my ribs, Leslie said.
We fell quiet again for a while, until Howard said—There’s a … faint whistle in my nose, when I breathe in.
My socks on the carpet, Emily said.
Shawn remarked that he could hear Kyle rubbing his hands on his pants.
I can hear that too, Kyle said, prompting some laughter from the group. They’re sweaty.
My heart, Mia said, after a moment.
Yes, Emily replied.
My heartbeat, several others murmured.
The crack of my back, Jo said.
The sound of my swallowing, I said. My saliva. My teeth in my head … clacking together when I close my mouth.
Emily’s stomach, gurgling, Damian said.
Emily laughed—I was going to say!
Several more sounds were identified, but gradually we fell quiet. Once it seemed we had exhausted the possibilities of the room, Jo guided us to listen deeper.
Go further. Can you hear your blood? Circulating inside of you? She paused. What about your nervous system? Can you hear the high-pitched whine of your own nervous system?
I tried to listen for it. I felt the others in the circle doing the same.
What else? Jo asked. Listen deeper. The Hum is there. Louder than ever. Inside the deepest part of you. I want you to focus the entirety of your awareness on it.
I was straining with every fibre of my being.
Frame out every other sound until only The Hum exists, she continued. Let it grow louder. Let it fill your body. Let it fill every space between your cells. Between the molecules and the atoms that make up your cells. Between the infinite, vibrating space between the electrons and protons. This is the only sound. The original sound. The sound that predates life on Earth. The sound that made us. The sound that will unmake us and remake us an infinite number of times. As The Hum fills all of the empty space inside you, you become more Hum than human. You become nothing but sound. Vibrating as one frequency, across the entire surface of the Earth. Infinite, expansive, resonant. Until any trace of you is obliterated and you become boundless, until there is no distinction between our bodies. Release yourself into this boundlessness. Release yourself. Release yourself from the confines of your bodies and let the sound erase you, erase you, erase you, erase you, release you, release you—
Jo incanted like this for some time, and I began to hear people breathing deeply around me. After a while, I could hear my own breath deepening. A feeling began to overtake me that I can best describe as a kind of ecstatic wholeness. It seemed to emerge from somewhere deep within my pelvis and expanded infinitely outward into a glowing warmth.
Oh my god, Leslie gasped.
What? Emily asked.
Oh god.
I can feel it, Mia said.
Damian said he could too. Jo encouraged us to keep focused.
Holy shit, Kyle muttered.
It’s happening, Mia said.
Yes, I said.
Welcome it in, Jo said.
We’re tuning.
I don’t feel it, Emily said.
Me neither, said Nora.
Once again, Jo instructed us to focus.
And then—my god—I felt it intensify even further, that ecstatic warm expansion.
It’s surging, Howard said.
Oh momma, Shawn groaned.
Yes, Damian said.
The power of all of us here combined is extraordinary, Howard said.
The Hum was getting louder but not just growing in volume but growing in every possible manner. It seemed to be penetrating every part of the room, my body, filling every available space, between every molecule, every atom. And just when it seemed to have saturated everything, it intensified further, and the space between spaces, between bodies, seemed to collapse.
Ugh my god.
The heat.
Yes.
Oh wow.
Holy shit—I can feel it now.
Good.
I think me too.
Do you feel it?
Yes.
Expanding inside you?
Yes, I think so.
I’m getting hot.
Uh-huh.
Me too.
Yeah.
Like a lot.
Ughhhhhhh, someone moaned.
Yes.
Like—
—burning, like—
Ugggghhhhhhhhhh my god.
Let it fill your stomachs now. Let it fill your lungs. Let it fill your throats and out through your mouths ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh—
And then a low, guttural hum emerged from within us, from within the circle. I wasn’t even conscious of producing the sound, but it produced itself from within me, moved through me, and through various registers, shifting like a murmuration of starlings, like resplendent light, who knew
the body—bodies together—could make such a sound. Sounds erupted from us, unleashed and orgasmic sounds, unrecognizable and inhuman sounds until I was moving, we were moving, standing now, moving through space, space moving through us, thrashing our bodies, swaying in ecstatic transport, The Hum expanding infinitely within us until it was a scorching white heat—until there was a smash, and we were ripped from our deep-state back into the room. Everyone fell silent and blinked open. Looking around, I realized that Leslie had knocked a lamp over. It lay in several pieces on the floor.
I am … so … sorry, she said, not quite fully returned.
Howard waved it away—It’s fine.
Everyone collapsed back into chairs, and onto the floor, exhausted, collecting themselves. I felt momentarily gripped by the most intense embarrassment. I couldn’t look anyone in the eye.
Okay, everyone, Jo said, let’s just take a deep breath.
Large exhales from around the room. I glanced over and Leslie seemed to be hyperventilating. Emily put her arm on her shoulder—Les?
Jo came over and sat down beside them—Deep breaths, love, deep breaths.
Leslie nodded. Gradually, she began to calm.
Wow, Mia said, as if not yet fully emerged from a dream. Her face had a sheen of sweat, and there were strands of hair in her mouth, which she gently pulled away.
That was—Shawn looked for the word.
Insane, Kyle said, in wonder.
It wasn’t insane, it was beautiful, Emily said.
I know, that’s what I mean.
It’s not insane.
Felt absolutely amazing, Leslie said, still catching her breath.
Mia motioned over her stomach—That heat.
It got super intense, Kyle said. I thought my chest was going to explode.
I felt like I was going to orgasm, Leslie said, deadpan. The group burst into laughter. I’m serious, she insisted.
No, honestly, Shawn said. For real.
Me too, Damian said, laughing. It was the first time I had seen Damian laugh. It made him look softer and younger.
Well I sure must have been doing something wrong, Nora said, crestfallen. Jo asked her what she felt and Nora shrugged.
Did you feel anything?
I wish. From the sounds of it.
But you heard The Hum?
Yes of course, I hear it always.
Did you feel it expand inside of you? Jo asked. Nora shook her head. Did it get louder?
A little, maybe. Maybe I focused on it more clearly.
It got so loud for me I almost couldn’t take it, Mia said.
Howard gave Nora a sympathetic smile—Give it time. There’s no rush.
Leslie gestured to the mess on the floor—I really am sorry about the lamp.
Honestly, don’t worry, Jo said, it was a gift from his old boss.
I still feel like I’m burning up, Kyle said. Like—here. He reached over, took my hand, and placed it on his forehead. His skin was hot to the touch.
I’m still hot too, Mia said, and Damian said he was as well.
I’m hot … and I’m wet, Leslie said, matter-of-factly, prompting more laughter.
Good god, Emily said, looking playfully mortified.
Just saying!
Amen, Shawn replied, with solemnity.
Was that the tuning? I asked, looking to Jo, and then to Howard.
It was, just for a moment, he replied.
But what exactly happened?
You just felt it.
I told him I didn’t know what I felt.
How did you do that? Mia asked Jo.
I didn’t do a thing. That was all The Hum. You just opened yourself up to it. It can give you migraines and nosebleeds or it can, well—
Make you cum, Shawn said.
Yes.
Kyle looked both bemused and slightly repulsed—Seriously?
If you let it.
Have you? he asked Jo.
I shot him a look.
I have, actually, she replied, nonchalant. Shawn burst into a braying laugh.
Just from the sound? Emily asked, astounded.
It’s more than sound, Howard said.
Shawn was absolutely delighting in all of this—You’ve honestly had an orgasm, just from The Hum? And you’re only telling us this now?
Despite all the levity, Jo remained stony-faced. To be honest, Howard and I really struggled with whether to share this—deeper aspect of The Hum with you at all.
It’s very powerful, Howard said. And very easily misunderstood.
Right, well don’t hold back on us, Shawn replied, splaying his hands. We can take it.
Well that’s our hope, Jo said, still not conceding to the general giddiness of the room. Hopefully we’ve established enough trust.
Everyone quietly exchanged glances. The group appeared a great deal more certain and enthusiastic about what had just happened than I felt, even Nora and Emily and the ever-serious Damian, which surprised me, being the more conservative three among us.
I hope I don’t freak you out when I say this, Jo began, but a few times, not often, but a few times when I’ve been able to tune, and stay in tune … I’ve had a ten-minute orgasm.
Shawn’s jaw dropped. Get the fuck out.
Hands-free.
Leslie seemed to almost choke on a laugh.
Emily shook her head in awe like a daytime talk-show audience member. I found myself wondering when Emily, buttoned-up and pushing seventy, might have last experienced an orgasm of any sort. I got the feeling there wasn’t much happening in that department between her and Tom anymore, and somehow, I struggled to picture her working magic with a suction dildo in the shower.
There was one afternoon I came eight times, Jo said. And I honestly could’ve kept going too.
You must’ve gotten nothing else done, Mia said, with a mixture of knowing and reverence.
It was a Saturday.
Clear the calendar! Shawn was laughing, full teeth and gums.
I think when you figure out how to have eight hands-free orgasms you just make the time, Mia said, sliding back in her armchair and putting her leg up over the side.
And how about you, Leslie asked Howard. Have you been able to?
I have, yes.
Hands-free?
Howard nodded, as if being asked if he flossed.
I knew we had been working towards this for some time now, towards this ‘ecstatic interconnectedness’ that Howard and Jo had been referring to, but somehow this aspect of pleasure, of tantric-like transcendence unsettled me, or at least took me by surprise. I asked them how any of this was even possible.
The Hum makes it possible, Howard replied. It suffuses everything. And it can affect us on a fundamental level.
Yes, but I just don’t understand how—
Stop trying to understand, he said, moving his hand slowly through the air as if wiping a fogged mirror. It’s about experiencing. Did you feel it or not?
Yes. Very much.
So just let yourself feel it.
For me it almost got too intense, Damian said.
Mia nodded—Same.
Damian said he didn’t think he could keep going—The sound kept expanding, I thought my rib cage was going to burst.
Goodness, Emily said.
Or my skull.
It almost hurt, Mia said, but it was also, I mean—
Incredibly pleasurable, Kyle said.
There was something about Kyle experiencing ‘incredible pleasure’ in my company that, frankly, freaked me out. Perhaps because it risked rupturing some threshold between us. The threshold that still maintained the acceptability of our continued association.
It’s very strange but I could taste iron in my mouth, Shawn said.
Nora looked confused—Iron?
Yes. At one point I thought I’d maybe bit my tongue and was bleeding but I wasn’t.
It affects everybody differently, Howard said. It’s working on a cellular level. For me, near the end
, I had the feeling of being on the verge of something. And I don’t mean an orgasm or anything, but on the verge of—of manifesting something.
I think I know what you mean, Mia said, and I noticed both Kyle and Damian nodding.
It’s hard to explain, Howard continued. But all of us together—I felt myself pushed closer towards this … thing … whatever it is … that will come. And I don’t mean—
Everyone laughed, except me. It has nothing to do with that, Howard added, with a smile.
Jo turned to me, and frowned—Claire, what’s wrong, love?
Everyone looked in my direction. I opened my mouth and closed it again, trying to find the words. I just feel a little … shook, I finally said.
That is totally understandable, she replied, which caused something in me to seize.
No, it’s not, I don’t understand, and Howard telling me not to overthink it doesn’t help me, that just frustrates me more. I digest things through logic, okay? I’m a logical person. I believe in science.
But this is science, Jo said.
It’s also more than science, Howard said.
I held up my hands—I’m not interested in more.
Because more scares you, he said.
Because I don’t need more.
But what if it’s there anyway? Whether you need it or not?
He paused and studied my face—Science is the frame, Claire, it’s not the whole picture and it’s because of that attitude, because of the worshipping of science to the exclusion of every other kind of human experience, that nobody else knows about what we’ve just experienced. There’s a reason this isn’t global news, and it’s because I don’t have a job or a platform or any credibility anymore, and that’s because I didn’t play by the rules of science. But if you must know right now, in this exact second, instead of just letting us process this with our bodies, the science, the all-important science behind this has to do with the caudate nucleus in our brain stems, okay, which controls various states of arousal. At 7.83 hertz frequency the caudate nucleus becomes hyper-stimulated. In brain scans, it just boom, ignites like a fireball.
It’s the most incredible thing to watch, actually, Jo said.
Most of us can only hit this frequency for a few moments during the peak of orgasm, Howard continued, without breaking eye contact with me. But what if we could train our brains to operate at this frequency every moment of the day?
The Listeners Page 16
