It was a start.
If Joanna was willing…
‘What are you thinking?’ she said.
He hesitated but wanted to start afresh and be perfectly honest with her.
‘I was thinking how much we’ve both changed.’
She surprised him with a smile.
‘For better or worse?’ Joanna asked, but it wasn’t a fair question and the answer fitted somewhere in between.
‘Neither. Just different.’
‘Because it’s just you and me? No baby, no child to cement our relationship? You know, for such a long time I thought life would never be normal again. Sam was…Sam was our future…’ She took a deep sighing breath. ‘He was a gift…and I only had one shot at being a mother. I didn’t expect it to be easy but I was prepared to give it my best and I blew it.’
Richard leaned forward and kissed her lightly on the mouth, with what he hoped was tenderness and reassurance. His lips moved to her forehead then her temple. Not only was she attractive on the outside but she had an inner beauty that she guarded like a precious jewel. She had been a wonderful mother and it hurt to hear her say she was to blame.
‘You can’t mean that.’
‘I don’t know…no…I didn’t mean—’ Her eyes were moist and brimming with sadness.
Richard cut short her answer by placing his index finger on her mouth. He felt responsible for the anguish that accompanied their memories. He saw much more hope and joy in looking forward and he desperately wanted Joanna to be part of his future.
‘I’m sorry I’ve made you unhappy. If there’s anything I can do…’
She swallowed. The sadness left her eyes and was replaced by a dogged certainty. She’d made up her mind about something—something that had erased the negativity.
‘Stay tonight.’ The words were barely a whisper. He wondered if he’d heard correctly and battled to contain his surprise. He’d been expecting a rejection.
‘Are you sure?’
‘I’ve got nothing to lose, Richard.’
But he knew, in reality, how much they both could lose. Sleeping with Joanna now was a huge gamble but he didn’t know how to say no. He wanted her with a powerful passion he’d thought he’d never feel again. He stood up, reached for Joanna’s hand and she led him to the bedroom.
CHAPTER SEVEN
TO ASK Richard to stay, to share her bed and invite the inevitable consequences, wasn’t a snap decision for Joanna. From the day she’d first seen him sitting in the canteen she’d known she still had feelings for him but couldn’t even consider acting on them. She’d closed herself off from Richard and driven him away three years ago. Even if he forgave her, there was no way things could be the same. A divorce had seemed the logical solution; to cut the one remaining tie they had. She’d worked hard to make a satisfying life that didn’t involve Richard. She’d thought his return would bring back the pain of the past. Of course it had, but talking with her husband, the only person who had truly known what her grieving had been like, was a release as well as a comfort.
And she wanted…needed physical comfort, to be cradled in his arms and desired as a sensual, attractive woman. Her mantra echoed in her mind.
I’m a good nurse. I love the children I care for and that’s all that matters.
But it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t all that mattered.
She needed to be loved as well.
Richard had told her he still loved her and she was prepared to take the risk to find out if the sexual spark of their relationship was still alive. The last thing she needed was for Richard to feel sorry for her. In fact, if he’d refused her invitation, that spark would have been extinguished once and for all.
She had nothing to lose, but so much to gain if…
They reached the bedroom door and hesitated before opening it.
‘You’re beautiful, Joanna,’ Richard whispered as he cradled her face with both hands and leaned towards her.
The gentle, familiar touch of his lips on hers was an exquisite pleasure. He lingered, his mouth moving across her upper lip in tender possession. His eyes were open as he deepened his kiss and Joanna felt a swamping, pulsing heat she hadn’t felt for a long time. Her heart quickened. She saw Richard’s pupils dilate just before she closed her eyes and melted into his embrace.
‘Not here.’ Richard’s husky voice brought her back to reality.
‘No,’ she said as he opened the door, but they lingered on the threshold as if unsure whether to take the next, life-changing step.
After only a moment’s hesitation he drew her towards him, their arms entwined with every point of contact between their bodies alive with vibrant energy.
Joanna could tell Richard felt it too and they were both powerless to resist.
Her hands shook slightly as she began to explore and rediscover Richard’s body and she now realised there was no turning back. The sizzle of sexual tension that they both knew was buzzing between them was like static electricity building up in air heavy with anticipation and humidity before a thunderous summer storm.
Her hands seemed to take on a life of their own but it was her mind that savoured every sensual touch. She dragged her fingers down the roughness of Richard’s cheeks and then to his sleek, damp neck. His sweat smelled seductively masculine and she tasted it with the tip of her tongue.
‘No,’ he groaned, but she knew he meant yes. He guided her towards the bed and she showed no resistance as his hands worked their way under her top and up her back until he found the fastening of her bra. While he skilfully undressed her he sought out her errant tongue and devoured it. As the kiss progressed, Joanna felt she was losing herself in something wonderfully out of her control.
It felt so right and Joanna knew that whatever happened she would have no regrets.
* * *
Joanna, naked and aroused, was the most beautiful vision and the most sublime experience Richard had ever known. They had both matured since the frenzied love-making of their courtship and then the exhausting years of parenthood that had followed when sex had slipped close to the bottom of their priority list. It was like discovering each other all over again. He gently ran his finger tips over the mallow-soft skin of her breasts with their delicate web of veins; he yearned for the lush and secret darkness of her and he delighted in the perfect, smooth contours of her buttocks. There was no doubt she had a magnificent body.
But she was much more than skin and flesh and bone.
Up until now she’d kept her inner beauty locked away, showing only glimpses to those she felt needed it most.
Richard felt privileged she’d revealed her true self to him in their exciting and startling love-making.
He hadn’t planned it but, as he skimmed his fingers across Joanna’s belly and leaned over to kiss her cheek, he knew it was meant to be.
‘Are you okay?’ he said softly as he clasped her hand and eased his head back on the pillow. He watched the slow rise and fall of her chest with each breath and marvelled at the perfection of the human form.
The gentle pressure from her hand was answer enough.
‘I’m fine. It was good.’ She opened her eyes and looked at him. ‘Thank you, but you don’t have to—’
‘Shush.’ He placed his fingers on her lips, not wanting to acknowledge that something so precious and uplifting could be transient. More than anything else in the world, he wanted to spend the rest of his days with Joanna.
‘Let’s think about tomorrow when it comes.’
She closed her eyes and brought his hand up to her lips, kissing his fingertips one by one.
‘I don’t think it’s as easy as that.’ She reached for the sheet, pulled it up to her waist and then rolled on her side to face him. She pressed his hand to her breast as if she wanted him to feel her heartbeat, to tune in to her life force.
‘It’s as easy or as difficult as you want to make it for yourself.’ Richard knew from firsthand experience. It had been an agonising decision to leave Joanna
but he’d believed it had been the best thing to do for both of them.
‘But that’s the problem.’
Her eyes were level with his but she was staring past him. She refocused with an intensity that was mesmerising.
‘Problem?’
‘We’re still good together in bed—’
He smiled. ‘I couldn’t agree more.’
Her face was set and she wasn’t in a joking mood so he refrained from saying anything else and waited for her to continue.
‘Since you left I’ve really tried hard to keep my life as simple as I can make it.’ She paused as if deciding whether she trusted him enough to go on. ‘I’ve not let anyone get close to me since Sam died and…since you left. It’s not worth it, all that heartache.’ She took a deep sighing breath. ‘I’m so sorry if I led you on, but I needed to know.’
She rolled onto her back again. Richard understood how the intimacy of their physical closeness could make what she was revealing difficult.
‘To know?’
‘Yes. To know if…How can I explain?’
‘There’s no need to explain. Me coming back, not knowing what to expect and having to decide whether to finally end our marriage. It must be—’
‘Overwhelming. And I need to know that you are prepared to accept me for who I am now. I’m not the girl you married or the mixed-up woman who’d lost a child, a husband and a wonderful life with a future to look forward to—all in one fell swoop.’
She reached for his hand and gripped it with tense fingers.
‘I know I said I wanted a divorce but I need time. All I know is that I still have feelings for you but I’m not sure if it could work, after all that’s happened. If we try and start over we need to go very slowly.’
He appreciated the implications of what she was saying. And she’d opened herself to him. Given him something she held precious, and he realised he must be careful not to abuse her generosity.
‘And you know it’s unlikely I can have any more children.’
She said it as a simple statement of fact but he knew the words hung heavy with emotion. If anyone deserved a child—a truckload of children, in fact—it was Joanna.
He reached up and touched her cheek.
She pushed his hand away and folded her arms across her breasts.
‘I’m sorry, Richard.’
‘No.’ He felt like shouting to make it clear to her there was no need to apologise. ‘I’m the one who should be apologising.’
‘Why?’ She turned to face him again but held her body so they weren’t touching. ‘I have no regrets. About tonight, that is. It was wonderful.’ She smiled and her whole face softened like a ripe peach on a warm day. ‘Truly wonderful. But I don’t want to start something I can’t finish. I’m sorry.’ She repeated the words softly.
They lay together without speaking for several long minutes.
‘It doesn’t matter to me whether I father children. It’s you I care about.’
She sighed. ‘You say that now but I know how much you loved Sam, and that you wanted more children—that I couldn’t give you. You’re capable of fathering as many as you want, but not with me. And your career choice…To do the job you do, you have to love kids.’
He knew that anything more he said to try and make her realise his life could be complete without children would fall on deaf ears.
‘I agree, we both need time,’ he said cautiously. ‘And, whatever you decide, I’ll go along with it. If you want to give it a go and it doesn’t work out, then that’s okay with me. If you need a few weeks, or months, just to think things through and you decide being married to me is not what you want then I’ll go ahead and organise the divorce.’ She seemed to be relaxing. He grinned, feeling the unexpected evidence of his physical desire return, and he was sure it hadn’t gone unnoticed.
‘And if you decided you wanted me to move in tomorrow I’d—’
She rewarded him with a twitch of her lips and a twinkle in her eye. Her hands caressed, her eyes teased and her body flushed a deliciously sexy shade of pink.
‘Stop, I think you’ve made yourself perfectly clear,’ she said. ‘And I think you’re right. I’m not ready to make a decision.’ Her hand strayed to below his waist. ‘But for now let’s just seize the moment and let tomorrow take care of itself.
* * *
Joanna woke on Saturday morning alone and wondered if the events of the previous night had been a dream. The late summer sun streamed through her window as she basked in the heady contentment she’d always felt on the morning after satisfying love-making. But in the background was disappointment that Richard hadn’t stayed. They’d both decided it was for the best, though. It would give them time to think things through.
He’d been right in suggesting they didn’t rush into anything they’d regret and she certainly had no desire to launch into something as scary as attempting to take up where they’d left off. If they were to try to get to know each other again the process had to be a gradual one.
One careful step at a time.
Although the love-making had been fabulous, better than she remembered, she was certain that basing a relationship purely on good sex was asking for failure. She knew the statistics. One in three marriages in Australia ended in divorce.
It was something she didn’t want to think about that morning, though. She rolled over, deciding to indulge in the luxury of staying in bed a little longer on her first day off in over a week. She was beginning to doze when the phone rang and jolted her back to full wakefulness. Grabbing her robe, she hurried into the living room and picked up the handpiece.
‘Hello,’ she said, half hoping it would be Richard, telling her he couldn’t bear to be away from her, but it was a female voice.
‘Hi, it’s Lorraine. What are you doing this afternoon?’
A smile spread over Joanna’s face. Lorraine Henderson was the sort of person who tackled life head-on and definitely wasn’t one to mince words. She’d emailed Joanna a couple of days ago to say she’d received permission from the hospital’s medical director to go ahead with her plans to film the children for the concert. Apparently the request had generated the usual hefty volume of paperwork—documents to be prepared explaining the how, why, when and where; consent forms to be filled out by patients’ families; permission to be obtained from the senior staff of each ward involved; disclaimers, and so on…. Joanna thought it would take weeks to sort out.
Maybe she had underestimated her friend’s ability to move things along. She couldn’t think of any other reason Lorraine would ring her at ten o’clock on a Saturday morning.
‘Nothing, and I bet I can guess why you’re asking. Some thing to do with the concert?’
Her friend chuckled. ‘How did you know?’
‘It’s consuming all your spare time, isn’t it? What’s happening today?’
Lorraine paused as if she needed a moment to organise her thoughts.
‘Steve’s got a free afternoon to give us a hand with the camera work and I’ve managed to get all the paperwork sorted to start on Matilda Ward.’ She paused only long enough to take a breath. ‘And since it’s your patch, and you seemed pretty keen about the idea, I thought you might like to be involved in our maiden shoot.’
Joanna laughed. The woman’s enthusiasm was contagious.
‘You’ve sussed out the talent, have you?’
‘Sort of. Karen, your innovative play therapist, has already organised the littlies who are well enough to sing a couple of nursery songs. She said she’d get some costumes together for the final shoot but she’s coming in today and it would be an ideal trial run. And when we get there we’ll see if any of the older kids want to be involved.’ She chuckled. ‘If they don’t want to perform Steve said we could lure them with technology.’
‘Technology?’
‘As well as his state-of-the-art, high-tech camera, he’s bringing a couple of smaller camcorders he’s happy to lend, under supervision of course. He also said i
f any of the older patients show interest or ability they could get involved in the editing later on. We’ve actually been given a tiny room in Admin. It has a desk and is lockable so it may come in handy for, at the very least, a storage area.’
‘Wow, you’ve been working hard. And Steve’s being amazingly generous. I’d love to come and help. What time?’
‘Does around two o’clock sound all right? It’s a time that would cause the least disruption to the ward.’
‘Yep, sounds great. I’ll see you then.’
Lorraine’s invitation to go to the hospital gave Joanna a focus for her day and she was looking forward to the challenge of prising talent from the disparate group of small patients on Matilda Ward.
After breakfast she went to the nearest supermarket and stocked up with food and other essentials for the week ahead. On her way out she lingered at the newsagent and finally bought a fashion magazine. She then paused in front of a boutique displaying a new range of autumn clothing. The trend seemed to be feminine skirts, loosely flowing tops and lacy patterned knitwear in soft, warm colours. It had been a while since she’d bought any clothes, and these days she spent most of her time when she wasn’t working in jeans, or shorts and T-shirts. A feminine outfit would make a change and seemed to suit the cheerful mood she was in that day.
She decided to unload her shopping in her car and go back and have a closer look.
Half an hour later she emerged from the boutique with a bagful of purchases and headed off to seek out a shoe store.
When she got home she unloaded her groceries and then spread the new clothes on her bed. After much vacillation, she still couldn’t decide what to wear that afternoon. It somehow seemed important that she get it right. After all, she might be on camera and it made a change from her everyday uniform. She even considered wearing make-up.
How To Save a Marriage in a Million Page 11
