I was wondering where this was going but he then got back on track, “I did not mess around like other people – even some of my so-called Christian companions would sing about Jesus in our meetings and then break all the sexual commandments with each other that evening. I saw them as pathetic. Don’t get me wrong, I attracted the attention of lots of young Christian women wanting to sleep with their older youth pastor. These little hypocritical whores were not worth my time and I had no intention of placing my seed into them.” He looked at me perhaps to get a reaction but I kept the analytical, unwavering look of a researcher as I waited for him to proceed. He smiled and continued, “Then I met my wife while at a Bible conference in San Diego. She was different, she was innocent, the kind of girl you want to protect and care for. She was only nineteen, while I was in my mid-thirties, but we did not see that as a problem. We were married only a few months later.”
I replied, “It sounds as if you found the perfect match then.” He nodded and said he had. He continued, “My wife became pregnant on our honeymoon. She had a difficult pregnancy and almost died in childbirth. The damage to her was so severe that the doctor warned her to never risk getting pregnant again. We were devastated but we at least had the most beautiful daughter one could ask for. We named her Jennifer which means fair and smooth. She had raven black hair and pearl white skin. She was everything to us.”
I detected something significant was to follow as there was disappointment in his voice. I asked, “So what happened?” He took a deep breath and went into an angry, unfocused, speech pattern, “When Jennifer was only five years old we moved into a duplex so she could have her own room while we made plans to build our dream house in the country. On our sixth anniversary we made a dinner and just thanked God for our blessings of being together. When Jennifer was asleep my wife and I sat down on the couch. I can faintly remember how happy we were. Then we heard several shots and some glass breaking. I motioned for Bethany to get behind the couch while I took a quick look outside. I didn’t see anything, but my instinct told me to check on our daughter. When I ran up I found her in her little bed, drenched in blood, her eyes staring upwards but absolutely no movement.” He then opened his eyes wide, leaned forward, and asked, “You know why she died?” I shook my head, remaining motionless, fixated on his story, “You see, Melanie, some crack addict had come home early and found his girlfriend with another man. He started taking shots and one of the bullets flew into our bedroom window and killed my daughter.”
I told him that sounded awful and he asked, “Now, just so you understand, when my daughter died my spirituality died with her. That’s not odd, is it?” Before I could respond he continued, “Maybe I had always used my religion as a way to mask what was deep inside, or what wasn’t there I don’t know. I always reasoned that anything bad that happened it was God’s will. I had been so able to make sense of tragedy by shifting the purpose to God. Yet staring at my precious daughter’s lifeless body killed my faith…not my belief, but my faith…that’s what died. Of course from that moment on I became a new man – or maybe just let the real man come out.”
I put my pen down, took a deep breath and said I understood. Then he laughed, “Oh please, Miss Lindberg, I read your book last week – you wrote the parts dealing with the psychopathic personality didn’t you?” I nodded as he continued, “I just told you a story that should have made anyone very uncomfortable, some have even cried when I have told them about my daughter, while you never changed the patterns of your blinking or even your posture. You should be the one being interviewed, Melanie! Remember, I read your book – a regular person would see you as an intellectual and engaging writer, I could see the real you in those chapters. You are as cold as I am…you are as empty as I am.” I remained silent and he raised his voice and slapped the table, “Tell me I am wrong!”
I was not comfortable in this defensive position. I smirked and squeezed my pen so hard that my hand turned blue. He looked at me and then said, “Oh Miss. Lindberg, I am really sorry. I lost control, I apologize for making you so uncomfortable. Look, I understand you – you are like me. You also have a life nobody knows about don’t you?” I remained motionless and just stared at him. “Melanie, I congratulate you. You get to study the mind. You have a husband and family, don’t you?” I said, “I don’t think that my personal life has…” He interrupted, “No, I have no right asking that, do I? Sorry. I merely noticed your wedding ring. Also, could I ask, is he jealous?” I scowled at him wondering what he was suggesting. “Melanie, let me guess, he’s some upstanding soul who you couldn’t live without, right? Oh but alas, he isn’t enough is he? Is he too boring for you?”
Most people would have ended the conversation right there but I actually engaged him, which was totally unprofessional, but I was curious about what he thought he knew about me. I asked, “Well, why don’t you tell me who I am?” He apologized and said he had studied people long before I was born. He laughed, “You are too smart for this drab place…you should be running this project. However, you let yourself be confined. You are a caged animal yearning to be released – only then will you be happy.”
I protested, “I am sorry, I have everything that I want and feel quite content.” He shook his head and leaned back, “Ever hurt someone, I mean really hurt someone bad?” I did not respond, I just continued staring, “See Melanie? A regular person would deny it, even if they were lying, as most would be since we all hurt people on occasion. Your lack of denial, your lack of emotion, tells me you have a violent nature that nobody knows about – except some victim, and pity that poor victim!” At that I suggested, “I think it is time to end this meeting.” He calmly agreed but asked, “Do you need a mentor to help you make sense of that mind of yours? Does a part of you desire to be free of all of this…to release your true potential?” I thanked him for the offer but asked him to leave. His last words as he stood up caught my attention and caused a cold chill to run up my spine, “Sometimes even the priest, or priestess, needs an exorcist to help her come to terms with her ghosts so she can be her true self!” He then said, “Later my dear” and left. He had neither completed the questionnaire nor would I see him again in my office.
I was somewhat shaken by this encounter. I had been in the same room as some really violent criminals but never had I encountered someone like this man. Had he just been playing mind games with me? Had I fallen into his trap and provided him amusement? I got up to see if the next scheduled appointment was ready. He was and I started my interview – but I could not get my encounter with the tall, older man out of my mind.
Chapter 3
I normally did not share routine work experiences with Nicole but this week had started off differently. I would have to go pick up Matt at the airport the next day and Nicole surprised me that morning. Her mother came over and said she would watch the children if we wanted to spend the day together. We decided to go to the Japanese Gardens. We had not been there so far this year and we did have a tradition to maintain.
We were happy to arrive at the gardens and find hardly anyone was there. It was a warm day; the sun was beaming on the water and it was really quiet. We sat down on a bench and Nicole announced that she had been offered a part-time nursing job at the hospital. She said maybe we could try to schedule when I could help watch the kids once she started working. I had offered this in the past and was happy to comply. I admitted to her that I might soon be the one unemployed.
She asked what was going on and I told her about Landin and also about the encounter with the mysterious man. She looked off and said, “Well, I…” I asked, “What?” and she said, “Oh nothing, I was just thinking about the baby sitting thing.” I was a little surprised that she appeared not to have heard a word I said about my soon-to-be former job or my scary encounter. I answered her question though and suggested to her that maybe it would be easier for me to stay home with the children – I knew that I did not want my kids in day care.
She agreed and apologized,
“Sorry for not focusing better. I guess I was excited about my job offer as well as worried about how to schedule babysitting. She took my hand and looked in my eyes, “Please continue.” I told her more about my uncomfortable encounter. I sort of joked, “If I wind up with a knife in my back the owner will probably be that Vincent man.” She did not laugh at that. She grabbed me and held me tight, “Remember, you can’t leave me. You better not let anything ever happen to you.” I replied, “I love you too Nicole.” We spent the rest of the day just enjoying each other’s company. We also talked about the possibility of maybe getting Matt to watch the kids so we could take some hiking trips together that summer. She seemed really excited at that prospect.
I did not have any interviews scheduled for the rest for the week. Matt also had a few days when he was not scheduled to do any work with the local import firm, so we were hoping to spend some fun time together as a family. I was to pick him up on Tuesday afternoon. I really missed him – I wanted to share what was going on at work with him as well. He had never asked directly that I stay home full time, but I had already mentioned that maybe around Christmas we might try for a fourth child. I think maybe he had hinted that Nicole might have her hands full with six very young kids in the house. Maybe once your family size reached a certain point day care, even through a friend, might not be so feasible. Little did he know that Nicole and I had actually talked about making sure she would be expecting in the near future as Nicole had asked about arranging for another “movie night” in which we would trick Matt into being a sperm donor once more.
When I saw Matt I threw my arms around him and asked him to just hold me as tight as he could. I needed someone to take care of me and Matt was the man in my life who seemed never to bore of that privilege. I looked forward to the six weeks he would have off the next time he returned from Japan. And it was right at that moment he said, “I have a huge surprise! My sister offered to watch the children for as long as we like this summer! I was just wondering, how about we start off with you working on a total tan in California; and then we can go to the Caribbean afterwards!”
It was a dream-come-true. The research project would be on hold for the summer and besides I was not sure I would have a position when it resumed anyway – but maybe I was ready for a change in life. My work at the university was likely to be boring if Landin re-assigned me as a mere number cruncher. Matt’s sister would be fine with the kids and we could enjoy being alone with each other. I needed the break. I thanked Matt and we headed home. On the way he asked if I wanted pizza for dinner and asked if I might be into watching a children’s movie with the kids that evening. I really appreciated the simplicity of the plan and looked forward to a passionate evening once the children were in bed.
As we drove up I told Matt I had stayed almost the entire two weeks at Nicole’s both for ease with the children and her living closer to the university. He knew we often stayed together but it was rare for me to not come home for an entire two weeks. So as we opened the door we noticed a huge pile of mail on the floor. I did not look forward to paying the bills, it was tedious and I hating the feeling of shooting money off to faceless entities. I asked Matt just to put the mail on the table and we could sort through it later.
Of course, after we ate, Matt could not resist glancing through the stack of letters. He commented, “You have a letter from your publisher – looks like a check!” I was curious but I was also in the middle of changing a diaper and asked him, “Please wait a moment and I will look. Please, just leave the rest until tomorrow, okay?” He kept sifting through the mails until he froze as he came to something. He asked, “Melanie, there is a letter here that, well, do you want to open it?” I asked, “What’s up? Who is it from?” Matt hesitated, and I began to wonder what it was – I finished getting my son dressed and ran over to see what was so special. Matt took a deep breath and handed me the letter.
I saw it was addressed to my maiden name and then I looked to see who it was from. It was postmarked from Britain and when I turned it over I saw the return address and sender. It was William Johnson!
I was actually unsure what I wanted to do at that moment. My mind was flooded with, well, shock, anger and resentment! I felt hatred at that moment and no matter what Matt did he was going to be the recipient of my projected displeasure. So as he reached out to me I yelled, “I thought I told you to leave the mail alone this evening!” He apologized and asked, “What would you like me to do?” I regained my outward composure and sarcastically said, “Well, if you are so anxious to know what is in the letter why don’t you open it?” He then made the huge mistake of saying, “I understand how you must be feeling.” I stared at the letter and replied, “Oh really? How could you understand what it would be like to have the one man who should love you unconditionally, to be there as you grew up and faced all the pain of life, to leave you and forget all about you? Then, suddenly, decades later he writes a letter? How could you even say that you understand? Go ahead and read it then, I don’t think I can even focus my eyes right now.”
He slowly opened the brown envelope. I asked, “Well?” Matt read through the letter as I sat at the table clenching my fists, watching my hands go white. Matt said, “It seems your father saw your book advertised in some literary magazine.” Matt continued reading, “It also seems he has been married and divorced several times since leaving your mother and that he was wondering how you are.” I asked, “What else?” Matt replied, “He says he is proud of your accomplishments and maybe sometime in the future he might like you and the kids to come and visit him.”
I asked, “Is that all?” Matt indicated it was. I asked, “Do you mean to say he did not apologize for anything?” Matt shook his head to indicate he had not. I only became more resentful of my father. He had the audacity to take pride in my accomplishments? He could not even find the courage to apologize for how he had abandoned me? And to top it off he was trying to make me feel sorry for failures in his personal life? I could not care less if he lived or died much less whether he was hurting. And to then ask if I would come and visit him? I did not want him contaminating my life. If it had been up to him I would not even have been born so what gave him the right to want to see me or my children?
Matt asked if I wanted to keep the letter. I yelled, “Burn it!” I wanted nothing to do with William Johnson. I then asked in what was probably not the nicest tone, “Put a movie on for the kids. I need to go out for a while.” Matt seemed confused as to what to do which only made me start to build anger towards him. I needed to get out of there quick before this turned out to be our first real fight!
I rushed out the door and got on my bicycle and started riding as fast as I could. I did not care where; I just had to get away from it all. I could feel myself relaxing as I sped along but then I would remember the letter. I finally came to a stop and thought to myself that maybe the best thing to do would be to just burn the letter myself and forget about it ever appearing. Then I considered writing back to him and telling him to just drop dead! I was unsure what the best option would be. I decided to head back as it was starting to get dark, and try to just forget everything for the evening.
When I pulled up into the driveway I decided that maybe the best way to lose my thoughts would be sex. At that moment I did not care about any romance, I had to divert my mind away from the hatred of my father – besides, it would suffice as an apology to Matt since I really did not feel like I had done anything wrong in blowing up at him, but I figured he was hurt. The last thing I needed was my father causing me marital problems – which would be the ultimate irony if, after he had ruined my childhood, he now ruined my adulthood.
As I opened the door I hoped the children would all be asleep, but the baby was crying and the twins were awake. Matt was trying to comfort my baby girl. For a moment I looked at him cuddling her and, for a brief second, forgot all about my stress. Matt was such a good man and made me feel whole. I wondered how he had turned out the way he did while the man
whose blood ran through my veins had developed into such a monster. I smiled at Matt and he returned the gesture. I went into the twins and in a short time they were asleep, as was the baby.
Just as we were ready to relax Matt did something incredibly stupid – he brought up my father again. He said maybe the best thing would be to forgive him. He said that maybe this would be the healthy thing to do for me. At that moment, I could not repress anger at what he stated. I yelled at him, “You think it is that easy? Just forgive someone for years of pain and a stolen childhood? Don’t, just don’t, ask me to do this – you cannot understand what it is that I feel so don’t even try.” I stormed out of the room and threw myself down on our bed. Matt came in but I calmly asked, “Can you sleep in the nursery tonight? I need to be alone.”
The next day, while Matt was giving the children breakfast, I called Nicole and told her what had happened. She did not claim to understand how I felt but she did listen. Then she said I had been unfair to Matt and that I should try to make it up to him today. She said she would normally have offered to watch the children so Matt and I could be alone together but that she had to go speak to the personnel director at the hospital. I thanked her and said I looked forward to seeing her later.
I went into the living room, turned on some cartoons for the children, and, without saying a word to Matt I got the children positioned in front of the TV. I then went into the kitchen as he was clearing the table. I looked at him and he looked back at me. I smiled and quickly removed all my clothing. I took his hand, again, not saying a word, and led him to our bedroom. He was about ready to say something, but I motioned him to remain silent. I lost myself for the next two hours, doing my best to shut my mind off as I indulged my passions. It felt as if nothing else mattered but the sensations running through my mind, killing all thoughts, all worries – all that mattered now was my body and my quest for escape.
Deliverance from Evil Page 3
