Vincent broke the tranquillity of the moment by instructing me, “Get your fill of smoking those things because the mountain areas we are going are extremely dry and it would be easy for a fire to get started.” Without thinking I burst out, “You have to be joking?” and I looked at Bethany for support. She scowled at Vincent and said, “Oh come on now, if she is careful there should be no problem.” He and Bethany started arguing. When I tried to say something Vincent quickly turned, slapped me and told me to “Shut up!” Bethany stood up and jabbed him in the chest with her finger and growled at him, “Never do that again, you hear me?” Both froze into an icy, silent stare that seemed to last an eternity. Then Vincent said “Fine! Start a fire and die – I won’t endanger myself to try to save either of your hides.” He stormed into the house. Bethany looked at me and smiled and said, “There! We gals have to stick together to have any say in this world.” Suddenly Bethany grabbed the wood column and leaned over, taking several deep breaths and coughing. I asked what was wrong but she assured me, “It is nothing, maybe a little indigestion from the roast we had for dinner and my drinking your offering before eating.” She took a couple of deep breaths before saying, “Maybe both of us should skip any cigarettes for a few days.” I shot back, “Are you joking; after the hard-fought battle to get Vincent to give in? You are going to indulge yourself anytime you wish – as long as you are careful I suppose. Don’t give Vincent any reason to gloat.” She smiled and said, “Maybe.”
That evening Bethany and I went to bed early. She wrapped her arm around me and immediately fell asleep. I expected to hear the nightly ritual of Vincent walking down the hall and locking the door but that evening was to become the first in which he left it unlocked. I wondered if he finally trusted me. As I lay there trying to get a grip on the on the family dynamics that were evolving I felt Bethany’s hand take hold of my right breast. For a split second I felt an excitement rush through my mind, until I realized she was fast asleep and was not conscious of her actions. Still I contemplated all the possibilities the future could present. And while I did not want to cause problems I found it fascinating to contemplate what might develop between Bethany and Vincent as well as my status with either or both.
Early the next morning we started packing for the journey. I had never been to this part of Oregon and I was looking forward to exploring the area. It then dawned on me to ask about what clothes I should bring so I went into the kitchen to see if Vincent was there. He was and he gave me a much more enthusiastic “Good morning!” than I thought I would get after the last night’s disagreement. He did not bother to apologize for slapping me though.
Before I could ask him what I should pack he brought out a plastic sack and laid it on the table. He commented, “I hope everything fits properly.” as he pulled out what appeared to be some green Army camouflage slacks, shirt and jacket. He asked, “Can you try these on?” I did and, sure enough, they were a perfect fit. Bethany came in and protested, “Oh come on Vincent she looks like she is heading off to war!” Vincent replied as he shook his head and stared at me, “Someday the war will head to us. Now shut up and leave her training to me!”
Bethany scowled and folded her arms and looked around before asking, “Did you forget something? Surely for this trip you have some boots for her – the last time we were up there it seemed like a really rough trail.” Vincent seemed taken back and replied, “Did you know that many of Washington’s troops at Valley Forge had no shoes in the middle of winter? She has to cultivate that same sense of endurance if she is gain the strength required of her.” Bethany seemed unconvinced but sighed, “I suppose you are right.”
While Bethany prepared breakfast Vincent went downstairs to the basement for a while. He soon returned with several backpacks and sleeping bags. He added to the things Bethany had piled up in the corner of the kitchen floor. He then started to divide everything and that is when I noticed there were only two sleeping bags. I assumed he would get more gear once we ate but in the middle of our meal he said, “Now we have everything we need except for food.”
He soon started dividing up what each of us would take on the journey. That was when I noticed that the brown back pack he had designated for me had more stuffed in it than either of theirs did as well as the tent being tied to the back. Vincent then said he was finished packing, but if I wanted to find some room for anything else that was my responsibility. Bethany sighed, stuffed a carton of cigarettes into her pack and asked me, “You think you can handle that load?” She helped me get the gear onto my back. I assured her, “It’s freaking heavy but I think I’ll be okay.” She smiled and said, “I would love to take a picture of you but Vincent is somewhat antagonistic towards photographing any activities. He’s afraid that if arrested by the government that someone would eventually use any pictures in some sort of documentary. He doesn’t want his life mocked in such a manner.”
We loaded up the truck and soon we were off to our destination. The only community of any size we would pass through would be La Grande. Afterwards there were a series of tiny towns and soon no signs of human life for as far as the eye could see. After a couple of turns and some extremely bumpy roads Bethany commented we would soon be there.
It was funny that memories flooded my mind of the time when Mark, Daniel and Nicole and I had been in an area that looked a lot like this – when we dissected Frank, the guy who killed all the female co-eds. It seemed that not only did I remember every detail but I was remembering what it felt like that day when I had dreamed of a life with Mark. I had so desperately wanted him to let me know how he felt about me. Yet when he finally did, he abandoned me forever. I wondered what our future would have been like had we married. I looked at Vincent and Bethany and wondered to myself, “Would that have been what we would have become?” It was not that I hated the thought so much, but was I the younger version of Bethany and Vincent the older version of what Mark would have become? Or, and this was an interesting thought that struck me, was I the younger, female version of Vincent? I know Bethany fancied me as being her long dead daughter but it seemed really weird that, if I did not know any better, I could envision Vincent as my real dad. While I did not really appreciate his occasional physical abuse I saw something in him that reminded me of myself. His way of looking at the world, his interests and of course his predatory habits all seemed to mirror what I was like deep down. Perhaps this is why I felt a sense of attraction to him and a curiosity for what he planned for my life.
And then it hit me, maybe one of the reasons I was so eager to grab onto this new way of life, was not really some sort of attachment to the aggressor, or anything really all that psychologically complex after all. I had what seemed like an epiphany! I had not decided to forever abandon my children and lovers due to some sort of brainwashing! I had, for once in my existence, found the ability to let someone else take charge of my life. I had spent my whole life being the one who was solely responsible for any success or failure. Now I could let someone else assume all responsibility for me – no career, no family obligations…not even any expectations from any lovers. And who knows, maybe what Vincent wanted to make of me would be something far better, more interesting, and maybe I would be happier.
So I sat there in thought, looking out the window at the arid landscape, asking myself who I would be in a couple of years. I wondered if Vincent would want to involve me in his predation on society. Would I become some sort of militant survivalist? And would I always be the child in this family unit or some sort of equal – at least once I reached the age Bethany was? Now that was a thought… twenty years from then Vincent might not be alive anymore – and that would leave me in my mid-forties and Bethany in her mid-sixties. What would our lives be like then…still mother and daughter? And even with my new health habits I might still have some time in my life, maybe in my fifties or sixties, where I would be alone. However, that was a long time away, and wondering what an old lady would be doing three or four decades in the future seemed
a waste of mental energy at that moment.
Eventually we arrived at our destination. There was a parking area, if you could call it that, and we were the only ones there. It was a nice day, a bit cooler than it had been back at the house and somewhat cloudy. When we got out of the car I certainly noticed the abundance of sharp, jagged rocks covering the ground. I walked over to the trail head though and it seemed a little less harsh on my soles. Yet when Vincent helped me get my pack on the added weight bore down on my feet, and pushed them deeper into the gravel! The pain on my feet and back was almost unbearable. But when Vincent asked if I was okay I said I was, not wanting to appear as a wimp.
Once we all got fitted up with the gear we began our journey on the trail. I felt like some sort of pack animal, with what would have been a heavy load even with nice boots! The military fatigues were hardly appealing in comfort or appearance but I suppose that was not all that important. I was anxious to see if I could withstand all Vincent had to throw at me.
Actually, it did not take long to find out what the next few days were going to entail. We had barely started the hike when Vincent seemed to get impatient and demanded, “Walk faster!” I could already feel my heart pounding, and sweat was pouring off my face, but I was absolutely determined to not fall behind. It was just too hard, and my back could barely sustain the load; not only that it was hurting so much I barely noticed the pain my feet were being subjected to on the rough, almost non-existent, trail. Thank goodness Bethany mentioned, “I need to use the bathroom!” However Vincent suggested she rush up the trail and that we would catch up soon. I continued to struggle with my load and try to concentrate on pulling all my strength together – I really hoped I would adapt and that it would get easier.
Just as I noticed Bethany disappear around a small group of pine trees I suddenly felt a blinding pain a pain so encompassing that I almost lost consciousness! Vincent had struck my left hip with a large pine branch! It was a miracle that I kept my balance but I did not dare fall down with all that weight. I screamed and then, without warning, a force of equal intensity was unleashed on my right hip. Before I could make any noise Vincent warned, “Scream again and you will get another dose, you hear?” Vincent ran in front of me holding the tree limb he had picked up off the ground. Before I could ask why he had hit me he said, “Now walk faster and tell me, what is more painful, the effort to walk or the impact of this stick?” I struggled to reply, “The stick!” He laughed, “Keep that in focus unless you want me to strike you again. And if she asks tell Bethany you fell down.”
I kept the pain of his abuse in my mind as I tried to go faster. Amazingly enough I did start to adapt to the ordeal, or else my body found it necessary to shut off as many pain receptors as possible. As we came upon an uphill portion of the journey I struggled to move as fast up the steep climb as I could. I was coughing so much that my throat was starting to hurt and I could taste blood in my mouth, but I was determined to make it up the hill.
Once at the top Vincent asked everyone to stop for a moment to rest. He approached me and said, “You showed real effort up this hill, I knew you had it in you.” I really wanted a cigarette, which I knew was not the best thing for me, but I asked Bethany anyway. She gave me one and even though I was still out of breath I took comfort in each breath I took. I must have really looked fantastic by then…I was drenched in sweat which was mixing with the dust kicked up on the trail. My lips were chapping and starting to bleed, I was in military gear and I was soon going to have my huge pack put back on. It was strange though, I was not angry with Vincent for hitting me, even though I noticed a huge black bruise was starting to form on my left side. In a way I actually felt grateful for his motivation and encouragement.
We soon started to enter an area that had more vegetation and so the trail seemed to be softer – a real welcome relief I have to say. It felt as though I was able to move faster and the pain seemed to subside the further we travelled. I was still dirty, sweaty and coughing as I tried to breathe in enough oxygen to power my muscles but this was not something I was going to lose.
Soon we came to a large clearing with a picturesque little stream and some beautiful rock formations. Vincent said, “Take a break Jennifer and explore the area if you like.” I walked over to the stream and sat down to wash off a bit but then noticed something moving in the bushes a few feet away from me. I was curious as to what it was so I walked over and examined the bushes only to discover a desert tortoise. It was a cute little specimen, about the size of the wheel on a baby carriage. I picked it up and concluded it had to have been transplanted here by someone since, at least I thought, that winters would be too cold for such an animal to survive. And I recalled a reptile display at a zoo I had taken my children to that had some tortoises that looked like this little guy and it said they were endangered. I picked him, or her, up and went over to show everyone else.
When Bethany saw the tortoise she remarked, “That is so cute Jennifer!” She said she had lived in this region for years and had never seen one in the wild. She suggested, “Let’s take it home as a pet.” About that time Vincent came over and examined it. He said, “These animals are not natural to this area. It must have been transplanted here by some idiot.” When Bethany suggested taking him home he shook his head disapprovingly and said, “If you two want it Jennifer has to take it.” Bethany reached out and said she would carry him but Vincent said that if we kept it that I had to take it – and that would be his final word. Bethany looked as though she was going to protest but I said, “Don’t worry. It’s okay as long as you help me get my gear back on. I’ll just carry him like a football since he’s curled up in his shell.”
We resumed hiking and Vincent said we had another couple of miles to go before we would reach the area he wanted to camp in overnight. I struggled to make sure I would be able to keep up although now, after having rested, my legs ached really badly, and I could feel a stinging sensation over both my hips where Vincent had hit me. I felt my left hip with my free hand and it seemed the area was swelling up and was tender to the touch. And again I was feeling every jagged rock on that trail.
After about a mile we started an uphill climb again, but the trail seemed far less defined and I was losing my footing time and time again. Vincent warned, “You better keep going or else! As he urged me on he patted me on the hip in a manner which suggested a warning he would repeat the abuse he had done to me earlier. I put all my energy into going faster, even though I could feel my heart pounding so rapidly and violently that I was worried it would finally give out…literally, since even a young person can experience a heart failure under enough stress.
Once we reached a plateau I closed my eyes and said “yes” to myself. It had been difficult but I had made it. Bethany was sitting on a rock waiting for me and Vincent was standing next to her showing no expression on his face as he looked at me. I sat the tortoise down for a moment to take off my pack – the relief of taking that burden off my back felt so good it would be hard to describe.
As I looked around for a good place to sit Vincent came up to me and, in a raised and stern voice, said, “You did a poor job keeping up! Why do you think you slowed down so much?” I looked at him, shrugged my shoulders, and replied, “I was getting tired perhaps.” His face displayed an angry frown and at that moment he said, “No, it’s not tiredness, it is because you are distracted. Give me that thing!” At that, even before I could react, he snatched the tortoise from my hand and violently hurled it against a rock, smashing its shell open! I was stunned and could only watch motionless as he then stomped his boot down on the poor creature until there was no doubt it was dead!
Bethany had noticed his actions and screamed, “What the hell are you doing?” As she was getting up he warned, “Stay out of this, you hear me?” and she reluctantly, it seemed, sat back down on her rock. Vincent stated, “Sentimentality is no virtue. You can’t be burdened down trying to help the weak. Your animal there was destined to die anyway this win
ter so if you had not found it nature would have killed it. Never, never ever form an attachment to anything that will hold you back. It is far better to let something perish than to allow it to get in your way, do you understand?” I sat there not knowing what to say. He yelled, “Do you understand?” I still did not respond. He turned around, took a few steps, and then returned, grabbed me by the shoulders, and started shaking me, “Look you stupid little…” At that moment Bethany rushed over and grabbed him yelling, “Leave her alone you monster! You killed her friend but you better not lay a hand on her! Do you understand?”
Vincent stopped, but he did not take his eyes off me, even though Bethany seemed to be threatening him. What he did next surprised me more than killing my pet. He put his arms around me and held me tight. He caressed my back and gently said, “I am sorry I had to do what I did, but you have so much to learn and this is but one lesson on your path to perfection.” He then released me, took my hand and asked me to look at the remains of the tortoise. He said, “I know it was just part of your biological and maternal instincts to have something to care for but look, that thing was not worth your efforts no matter how cute or rare it was. You have to be willing to make sacrifices – even when it hurts.”
I was still angry at what he had done but at that moment I figured it would be best to play along and pretend it did not bother me that much. So when Vincent smiled and excused himself for a bathroom break, I did not let on how I felt when Bethany came over to me to apologize for his behaviour. We sat down together and rested, yet perhaps she knew just how angry I was deep down as I nervously finished off several cigarettes and even I noticed how my fingers were shaking as I tried to hold onto them. Bethany said, “Maybe we can get a pet in the future.” That was not the issue though. I felt angry at being violated, not for losing a pet, and I vowed to myself never to forgive Vincent for what he had done to me.
Deliverance from Evil Page 14
