by April Smyth
My voice is insipid, ‘Where is he?’
I have become so accustomed to the not knowing, having kept myself in the shadows when it comes to Gabe, that I don’t know how to cope with the idea of knowing the real truth. I don’t know how he is or where he is or what he is doing with his fresh start at life. I have wondered a thousand times but that’s as far as it goes. There is something frightening about the truth. It is too physical and unavoidable. I say I want to avoid the cryptic but I need vague. Vague hurts less.
Rose looks pale and shaky. I hate seeing her vulnerable because it’s such a rare occurrence. It hurts even more think that Rose is grieving for Gabe too. I feel my pain and then I feel her pain on top of it.
‘He’s with his family right now,’ she says and I feel a sharp digging sensation in my gut. He never told me about his family, I never asked, I never got the chance. Are they nice? I can’t help but think he didn’t have a good relationship with them when I think about his moody, forlorn expression but maybe that was that all down to losing, Claire, his first love? Maybe he had a happy childhood until she was cruelly snatched from him. Maybe he has the chance to be happy again with his family. Where did they think he had gone all this time he was with Maurice? What explanation did he offer? He won’t even know where he was either.
‘Can you tell me everything? What happened to him when I left?’ I have avoided this for a long time. I said goodbye to Gabe knowing Arrow would rid him of vampirism and all of his memories. From the moment he hung up the phone the rest of his life became a mystery. Was the transition from vampire back to human a difficult one? Did he wake up with no memories and freak out? I don’t know. I hope it wasn’t painful for him, for his sake and for Rose who had to witness it.
I try to keep steady and hold back the tears while Rose tells me exactly what happened after Justin and Calhoun took me away from Toulouse and back to my home. Once they escaped the confines of Toulouse, they found Arrow who stays in a tiny hovel with six other witches - most of whom are old, smelly and speak in a completely foreign language and difficult to live with. She and Gabe hid there while Arrow helped with the protection spell for me and a removal spell for Gabe. She was lost but she stayed strong for Gabe. He didn’t stop crying at all until Arrow performed the spell. He made a good job of hiding this when he said his goodbye on the phone, I think. I am weak thinking about his tears and the pain he must have been feeling: lose everything to vampirism or stay human but lose all the things that make you who you are. Either way he had to prepare to lose his entire future. I want to break down and let all the pent up emotions come crashing out but I let her finish speaking.
‘And here’s the thing, Cassie,’ Rose gulps nervously which in turn makes me feel uneasy. Rose is always calm. She is well trained in the art of covering up raw emotions - something which I wish would rub off on me- but there is anxiety in her eyes which makes me worry about what she is about to tell me. ‘Arrow performed the extraction spell and the vampire blood was all gone. He was human then we asked him a series of questions to see if he remembered anything or if he was a blank canvas but we discovered most of his memories were still in tact. He knew his family. He knew his mum’s maiden name, the colour of his dad’s eyes, his sister’s favourite movie -’ these were all things I didn’t know about him.
My heart is stuck in my throat as I let Arrow continue. Does he remember? Do all of our heartfelt memories still exist yet he isn’t here with me?
‘He remembers dating Claire in high school, visiting Paris with her, her being kidnapped by Maurice, finding her drained of her blood and making the deal with Maurice. He remembers every minute detail. He even remembers the first time he met me,’ there is a crazed look on Rose’s face. There is half delight in all the things that remain untouched in Gabe’s mind after the fear that we would lose everything we love about the boy we both love but there is something else I can’t define. Worry? Anger? Sorrow?
‘This is great news, Rose,’ I say.
She clasps my shoulders exasperatedly and stares into my eyes, ‘He remembers all of this but that is all. The last thing he remembers is Claire leaving Toulouse. He doesn’t remember you, Cassie.’
I feel my entire world collapse around me and every fragment of hope dissipate as I consider the weight of Rose’s words. Gabe is still Gabe. His childhood and his hardships remain. He still loves heavy metal music and wears all black clothing. I imagine him brooding, frowning, filled with frustration at an unjust world but with the same ray of sunshine peering through the blackness. He is exactly how I picture him, the same man I long for, he is still the boy in the bar who I met in Spring except he hasn’t met me at all.
Why can’t he remember me? Why can’t I remember what we had? Wasn’t it important enough? He was seventeen when he lost Claire, began working for Maurice and hunting me down like I was a precious stone. Why can he remember seventeen whole years of his life but the three most important years to me have slipped away? Am I that forgettable?
‘Why?’ my voice is sharp and raspy when it escapes my mouth. ‘Why?’ is all I can say to her. Somebody has to give me an answer. I want so desperately for Gabe to remember, to rescue me from the hell I am in because frankly a world where Gabe and I aren’t there to help each other is hell to me. I need him to make me better. He needs me to show him that he is good and he is worthy and he can be amazing. He is amazing.
I bury my head in my hands but no tears appear. I am finally done crying. It has gone beyond the point where sobs can help. Everything has been torn out of me. Rose lays a hand on my back and I desperately want to shake it off. Any touch feels rancid against my skin. I want to rip the skin off of my bones but it would only replaces itself. I want to disappear completely. Even Rose can’t comfort me now.
‘Arrow reckons she can use a spell on Claire to give her her memories back when they find her. They will need to do it in order to help get her away from Maurice,’ Rose says stonily not answering my question.
I feel physically sick. He has gone to find Claire. He loves her and wants to be with her again. I am nothing to him and she will have him. Does she deserve him? He told me that she didn’t even fight to stay with him when Maurice gave them the opportunity to save her. She chose her own life over Gabe. I can’t blame her but at the same time I wonder if I would do the same thing.
‘Why did you let him go?’ I ask Rose accusatorially. Rose knows how much I love him and she knows that before he lost his memories Gabe loved me back. Hell, she helped us realise and understand those feelings. Without Rose we might never have been able to fully admit the extent of our feelings for one another. She knew how crazy we were about each other yet she let him swan off to find Claire. I’m angry at her. She should have tried to make him remember me. ‘You could have made him stay. You could have brought him to me. I could have made him remember.’
Rose looks puzzled, ‘He doesn’t know who you are, Cassie. I’m so sorry. Believe me it was so difficult for me to understand. It has taken me six months to come to terms with the fact that you two won’t be together again when you were so right for one another but he doesn’t remember and I can’t make him. I did try but he didn’t want to remember. All he wanted was Claire and eventually when we realised Maurice was after her I had to let him go find her.’
That was harsh.
Her voice raises, ‘I would love to give him those memories back, Cassie, but it isn’t fair of me to force them on him. He has a chance of being happy with Claire and who am I to deny that boy a happy ending because God knows he deserves it! You know that too! I love him to death and I know how much you care about him! Do you really want to deprive him of love and happiness and a future just because you’re too selfish to let him go?’
I have never heard Rose sound angry before even when she attacked Maurice she remained composed but she is shaking and there are tears wetting her eyes.
She is right. I wish she wasn’t. To my very core I wish she was wrong but she is totally righ
t. I am selfish. I want Gabe even if it isn’t the right thing for him. It will kill me to know she is getting a second chance at a life with him, to know that she is the lucky one that gets to kiss his lips at night and hold his fragile soul in her hands. But Rose is right. I have to let him go because I love him enough to give him the love he deserves even if I can’t be the one to give it to him. I just hope she proves herself worthy.
‘I’m sorry,’ Rose deflates and folds into my arms. She begins to sob and for the first time in our friendship I am the one comforting her. I rub her back in circles and play with her soft hair. She cries and tells me how sorry she is over and over again. Through the crackled wails she tells me how she wanted to tell me all along but she couldn’t. It’s been killing her and I regret being so angry with her. Rose is on my side and I should never question it. It’s just a shame she has had to bring me this news.
After a while of crying she pulls herself together, looks at me with her sweet eyes and gushes, ‘But we are going to win this thing, Cassie. We have some amazing witches on our side and people like Oliver helping. Maurice is going to lose and you can go home to your family and have an amazing life.’
An amazing life without Gabe. I can’t help but think the victory will be bittersweet without him by my side. So Maurice will be killed. I will thank the witches profusely. I will rejoice with Rose but at the end of the day I will return to the mundanity of the life I have been living for the past six months. I will pretend to be normal and some days I will like it. I miss my family and I love them endlessly but Gabe will be with Claire, Rose will move on and I will be empty. These people have become the centre of my universe. Even Oliver will become a distant memory. How can I go back to Jonathan now? How can I finish school, go to University, get a job and have a family like everyone else when I have had such an extraordinary year with the most extraordinary people?
‘I know. Thank you so much for doing all this for me, Rose,’ I say quietly with as much gratitude as I can muster up at this point. I really am immensely grateful for the things these amazing people have accomplished all for me, to keep me and my family safe and, well, alive. I can’t begin to describe the debt I owe them and who knows why they want to help me but I am so deflated from the news of Gabe that I can’t think happy thoughts of a bright future right now.
Rose hugs me enthusiastically but I just sag into her arms and place a meek smile on my face. While she is here I won’t show her how much it hurts. I will be brave because she and Gabe deserve me not to be selfish right now.
NINE
‘How long can you stay for?’ I ask.
‘I’ll stay here until I hear from Arrow and Gabe.’ The sound of his name makes me wince. Rose sees my jolt and gives me a pitying look; I know she won’t mention him again.
‘Why didn’t you go with them?’ I ask curiously.
Didn’t she want to stay with Gabe and watch over him? He is a ticking time bomb and it frightens me that he is off in the world on his own without the protection of someone who loves him. The sadness which swallowed him after losing Claire lead him to excessive drinking. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly as I think about that night he got blindly drunk at the hotel in Paris. The same night I lay beside him as he slept. When I met him I knew he would change my life forever but that night it was too late for me to turn back; I was in love.
Doesn’t she want to see Claire with her own eyes? I would. I remember the photograph I found of her. She is taller than me and much, much thinner. Her hair is yellow blonde and her face is smiley or at least it was when she was standing beside Gabe with his gorgeous brown eyes gazing towards her and his strong arm wrapped around her small waist. Doesn’t she want to look at the girl who broke him?
‘I wanted to see you,’ she smiles at me and reaches her hand out to squeeze mine. I’m glad. I couldn’t face the silence anymore. I don’t know why I thought I could live in ignorance. ‘They don’t need me over there. You need me.’
I nod sadly. I need her to tell me it is going to be alright. I need her honesty and her vitality. I need her to remind me of the girl she met at her house in Manchester half a year ago because I’m starting to lose sight of her. Would the Cassie she first met be jumping into something with Oliver and trying to numb the pain with something that feels entirely wrong? Maybe she could help me get back to the honorable girl I was, the girl with dreams and hopes of a fantastic life because for now I am hopeless.
‘Let’s make this happy, Cassie, I’ve missed you. Why aren’t you in the house with Oliver?’
Oh my God. In the fogginess of hearing about Gabe I completely forgot about Oliver. The beautiful man with a beautiful soul who for the past few days I have fallen for. Have I fallen for him him or the comfort he offers me in this dark world? I don’t know.
I look at Rose and words struggle to leave my mouth. I know I should tell her everything. I should tell her how he has made me laugh and how happy being with him makes me feel but I don’t know if she would understand. Maybe she would but I just don’t want her to. I don’t want to tell her that while she has been fighting for me and while her heart has been breaking that Gabe and I can’t be together I have been lusting after the man she hired to be my babysitter. I don’t want her to judge me for the things I’ve done and felt with Oliver so I lie. ‘I don’t know. We just don’t... gel very well.’
Rose opens her eyes wide with disbelief. It is a pretty difficult lie to swallow. I can’t imagine anybody not gelling with Oliver. He is effortlessly charming. He could make friends with anyone and if Rose knows him then she will know this. I pray he hasn’t said anything to her about our friendship in their phone calls. ‘Really? Oliver is a great guy. You just need to get to know him better.’
‘Maybe,’ I shrug. I don’t like keeping secrets. They always come out in the end and they only hurt people. Too many keep things hidden from me so I hate doing it to others but it’s for the best that I keep my twisted friendship with Oliver off of Rose’s radar. I don’t want it to ruin things between Rose and I. I just want to enjoy her company while she’s here and not mess it up because she could disappear too soon.
Rose looks around at the dismal surroundings. The low camp bed, the yellowing fridge, the rickety table. I wish I could be staying in the main house but it is safer here with the magic protecting me although I reckon I’d feel safer in Oliver’s arms. I sigh.
‘It’s horrible in here. Come on. I want to say hi to Olly,’ she smiles at me, takes a hold of my hand and we walk through the grounds quickly as if we are both frightened Maurice might appear.
I feel sick at the thought of this awkward little trio. Rose will be unaware of the tension; I wonder if she will sense it. June is the first person we meet when we enter the manor. I am about to introduce Rose to Oliver’s surrogate mother then she wraps her arms around her and it is evident they are already acquainted. It makes me wonder about Rose and Oliver’s relationship. How does she know a werewolf? Did they date? Surely she would have mentioned that.
‘It’s so good to see you,’ Rose says still in her embrace.
June laughs heartily. I love the sound of her laugh as it echoes through this house. She laughs even when nothing funny has happened. I wish I was always that happy. ‘Rosie Posie,’ June cups Rose’s face in her hands. They must know each other well. I become increasingly curious. I guess I just assumed Oliver was one of Rose’s many supernatural contacts through her work with Maurice but this is intimate and familial. I feel like I’m intruding on a family reunion. Then it dawns on me.
I look at June’s coffee skin, her wide grin and I think about her easy manner then I look at Rose... They are related! The resemblance is so obvious to me now. It is uncanny. June is a smaller, older version of Rose.
‘I’ve missed you, Aunty June,’ they hold each other in a sweet embrace and I feel choked up. Rose’s parents died and she was left alone to look after her disabled brother. I didn’t know she had other family and I can’t help but wonder why June h
asn’t been more involved in her niece’s life?
‘I... I didn’t realise,’ I stutter.
I suddenly realise the huge holes in my knowledge of my best friend. Over the time we’ve known each other we’ve learned a lot about each other. I know her vulnerabilities. I know how strongly she loves and worries about her brother and how much she misses her ex-boyfriend, Dan. I know that she uses materialistic objects and her sexuality to cover up these weaknesses but it shocks me to know that there is more to this beautiful woman than I already know. How does one family become so heavily involved in the supernatural? Rose worked for a vampire and is now working with witches to fight against him and her Aunt is the housekeeper and adopted mother of a werewolf. That’s got to be more than a coincidence.
There is no sign of Oliver and June just shrugs it off when Rose asks where he is. I am nervous that he has ran away because of our little situation earlier.
We sit in the kitchen together and June makes us hearty bowls of pasta with creamy tomato sauce. I’m going to put even more weight on living here. I can feel my stomach swell with every bite of June’s gluttonous food. Rose talks about her time with Arrow and the amazing things witches are capable of. I have to say I am enamored by the idea of these magical creatures.
The more time goes on the more worried I get about Oliver not making an appearance. Surely he wants to say hello to Rose, have I upset him that much? I go off into my own world and think about what happened between us. It had been so intense, so passionate, I’d gotten lost in those feelings and it was wrong of me to indulge in them if I knew my heart belonged to another but I don’t want to lose Oliver. The past few days have been so brilliant for me. I can feel the ice around my heart slowly beginning to melt. With every laugh we share I feel hope shine through the cracks. I hope I haven’t screwed that up.
