by April Smyth
‘What do you think, Cassie?’ Rose’s eyes glitter with the prospect.
I stifle my elation at spending another morning running with him. It seems like the ideal way to start every day so I flash a small smile at Rose and say, ‘Sounds good.’
Discreetly, Oliver digs his elbow into my side before saying, ‘Yes, that would be nice. I’ll wake you up early and we can go for a nice, long run tomorrow if you’d like?’
‘Fine,’ I feign annoyance and Rose seems pleased with herself that she has managed to set us up. If only she knew how this works out rather conveniently for me...
There is no word from Arrow or Gabe for a whole week. With Rose’s arrival I expected to hear a lot more from them but there’s nothing and Rose assumes no news is good news so she stays with us thinking that I will be grateful for her company. I am, I suppose. I spend my days with her, chatting together, we even get the dusty boardgames from the loft and pass the time that way.
Oliver tends to leave us in peace against Rose’s wishes. I still maintain Oliver and I are too different to be good friends. I tell her we merely tolerate each other and she believes it. She can’t stop gushing about him though.
Once she goes to bed Oliver takes me to the cabin where I fall asleep in his arms and wake up in the same position. We don’t kiss again though. We don’t even talk about it. I am aching for his lips though. I miss his kisses but I can’t be greedy. We barely touch other than when his strong arms are wrapped around me as I sleep but it is enough to warm me and keep me smiling during the day. Then we wake up early to go for a run before returning to the house without Rose suspecting a thing out of place. For the whole week Gabe rarely enters my mind instead I grow more and more fond of Oliver.
November is nearly over. It is early in the morning and I have just woken up surrounded by Oliver. His body, his smell, his perfection overwhelms me. He is still asleep and looks angelic. I touch his beard and then his lips which makes him twitch and his eyelids open. ‘Morning,’ he grumbles and pulls himself up off the bed before I get carried away with my gesture. More than often I instigate something more but Oliver pulls it back. He is keeping to his word about nothing happening but is too gentlemanly to leave me sleeping alone out here with all the nightmares invading.
At night he brings his clothes for the next day. ‘Turn around,’ he says as he undresses but I sneak a peak of his boxers sliding off before doing as I’m told. My God, he is beautiful. I don’t know where we stand. Things have been so complicated ever since I met him. Are we just friends now? Can we ever be after all those secret kisses and the heated looks we give each other? We have fallen into a nice pattern, a fairly innocent one, but the time is ticking and soon one of us is going to explode.
‘Do you think you could sleep alone tonight?’ his mouth twitches as he speaks and my heart falls. It literally feels like there is a never-ending pit inside of me, my heart is hurtling down it ceaselessly and I am about to be sucked into it. A part of me knows I have no right to be offended. Oliver has been the perfect host and more than accommodating by staying with my every night because he knows if he doesn’t the nightmares of garish vampires and the tears over my family and Gabe will stop me from sleeping at all. Surely, he deserves a night off but I’m too selfish to admit that. All I can think about is what has changed? Why now?
‘Yeah,’ I need to keep my cool. ‘Sure, I don’t mind. I think I can manage.’ I speak quickly and change into my clothes while Oliver faces the wall. If it had been anybody else I would have bit my tongue and not asked why but it’s Oliver and I feel like there are no boundaries between us. He told me not to be afraid with him and that I can be honest so I say what I’m thinking, ‘Have I done something wrong?’
He turns back once I am fully dressed and he gives me a half-sad smile, ‘You’re crazy, you know that? Always blaming yourself?’
‘Well, have I?’ I ask with a simpering laugh.
He gives me a hug and I hold onto him longer than ‘just friends’ would but I can’t stand to let go of him when I fit in his arms perfectly. Okay, I’m in too deep. After the first kiss and maybe the next one there was still a chance of survival. I could still have gotten out alive but now I am fully invested in this man. If I lose him I would just die. My emotions are tightly interwound with his and right now I’m seriously scared.
‘Nothing is wrong, Cassie, I just think you are strong enough to sleep alone now. I don’t want you to become dependent of me,’ he explains but it gives me no comfort. There is something ominous about his words like he knows something I don’t. Is he leaving me? I trust that he would tell me if he knew some vital information. He wouldn’t hold anything back from me, would he?
Oliver can sense my unease so he holds me again. His hugs are more magical than any of Arrow’s spells or Maurice’s manipulation powers. The least miraculous moments in life can sometimes be the most spectacular. ‘Come on, Cass, let’s go for a run.’
He lets go of me and I don’t say anything else about his strange request that I sleep alone tonight instead I get lost in our run. The weather is wild and in true Scottish winter style. The wind is strong and along with the rain is beating ferociously against my skin. Only a Healer and a werewolf would be crazy enough to go out in it but it feels amazing. My hair and my clothes are drenched by the time we get back to the house and once I am finished pelting through the rain, once I have stopped, I have a horrible feeling that things are about to get very ugly.
TWELVE
Oliver disappears and I’m left with June and Rose in the kitchen. He is behaving bizarrely this morning. Well, he is always acting weird and is unpredictable when it comes to his feelings for me but usually he opens up to me and tells me what’s wrong. I hate not knowing what he is thinking.
There is a silence at breakfast too. Something is happening and eventually I can’t take the tension so I throw my cutlery against the table and say, ‘What is going on?’
June hurries away to wash the dishes and avoids my question meanwhile Rose stares at me with wide eyes as if she doesn’t know what to say. When I see her look so startled horrible thoughts begin to run through my mind. What isn’t she telling me? The last time she kept a secret from me I ended up hooked up to needles having my blood collected for Maurice. Are my family okay? Is Gabe safe with Claire? Is there any news from Arrow on what is happening? My mouth goes dry as I become aware of how little I am in control of my own life. My loved ones are miles away and I can’t do anything about their destiny or my own. Why am I worrying about my relationship with Oliver when people could be dying for me?
‘Arrow called,’ Rose chews at her lip nervously. This has to be bad if even Rose can’t keep her composure. I can’t believe how much faith I am putting into a witch I don’t even know. How can I trust her to look after me and the people I love? Do I have an option?
‘She has restored Claire’s memories,’ Rose says and my heart sinks. I should be relieved that everybody is still alive and safe but I can’t help but feel disheartened by Rose’s news. This means Gabe and Claire can live a happy life together. I feel like I keep losing him over and over again and the blows get harder to take every time I realise he is gone forever. ‘Claire is going to stay with the witches. She’ll be safe there.’
Gabe will be going with her too but Rose doesn’t say anything about him; she must be able to see the injury in my eyes. ‘Do they know where Maurice is?’ I ask quietly trying to avoid talking about Claire with her slim figure and endearingly goofy smile. The photograph I found of the two of them in Gabe’s wallet is at the forefront of my mind right now and so is the sound of him calling her name out in the middle of the night. He told me we would fight for one another and that Claire never fought for him yet she is winning. It hurts my head thinking about it.
‘Some witches and werewolves are closing in on him. They need a little more time to have enough energy for a vampire destruction spell but as long as he doesn’t get any Healer blood they think he’ll be dead
in the next week.’
The news that Maurice, the main source of misery in my life, will be gone forever in a week’s time is too difficult to comprehend. This entire year has been ruled by this monster and with the click of a witch’s fingers he will be gone but will all the problems he has caused disappear with him? Gabe will be with Claire and his memories won’t return unless he asks a witch to perform the spell they performed on Claire but he wouldn’t want to remember me when his life will be so sweet without me. Then I try to think about Rose and what kind of life she will have once Maurice is gone. She will be jobless and has no experience legitimate to put down on paper. She needs to fund the care for her brother. I wonder if she can be reunited with her love and they can have a happily ever after too. I sigh. I will go back to my family, back to Jonathan, back to pretending I don’t miss Gabe and Rose except it will be worse because I’m going to lose Oliver too. I can’t stay here forever. Once Maurice is out of the picture there is no need for me here. It makes sense that he doesn’t want to stay with me tonight, that he doesn’t want me to depend on him because very soon I will be going home and I won’t be able to wake up to his wonderful face every day. I’ll be hollow and we might as well rip off the bandage now.
‘Arrow wants you to go home now. They know where Maurice is, there’s no danger of him getting to you or your family so you should be with them,’ Rose smiles at me and although we both pretend that going home is what I want, we both know I won’t be satisfied. I miss my family unequivocally. I want to see Bruce, Jana and Lily grow up. I want to make sure that Shannon’s health has improved. Mostly I want to hug my dad and reassure him that I won’t leave him like my mum did. All of these things plague me but I can’t help but think that it won’t be enough for me anymore, that I will always be missing something or someone.
‘When?’ I blink at her, unable to take in the information. I can’t be going home so soon. There is so much unresolved with Oliver. I’m not ready for this story to end yet.
‘Tomorrow morning I will drive you home on my way to my house,’ she says and clasps my hand with hers. I really have taken Rose for granted since she came here. I have been so besotted by Oliver that I’ve forgotten how lucky I am to have her. I’m not ready to say goodbye again.
She senses my fear and says, ‘Cassie, if we kill Maurice then there’s no reason for us to be apart. We can be friends. I will visit you all the time.’
I feel tears bubbling up inside of me. Is this really goodbye all over again? I always knew my time here with Oliver and June would have to end at some point but I never really expected to live to see it. ‘Do you promise me?’ I say. Will Oliver visit me too? After the way he acted this morning I’m not so sure he will. He might be happy to be rid of me. I’m just a burden that stops him getting sleep at night.
‘I promise,’ she pushes my untamed hair out of my face. ‘And we can wear our bracelets so I’ll always know you’re okay.’
We put on our bracelets and hug and talk about the things we will do when Maurice is gone for a while but eventually Rose leaves me to contemplate everything. It won’t sink in for a while that in a few days time I can wake up in my own bed, alone, without Oliver. Soon this ordeal will over and I can really go back to normality. I was living a lie for the six months I was at home but I can have a proper fresh start this time.
Oliver walks in. I look up at the face I have loved for the past month and say, ‘Did you know? Is that why you won’t stay with me tonight?’
He shakes his head, ‘I didn’t.’
I don’t believe him. My jaw clenches, ‘Don’t lie to me, Oliver!’
Oliver sighs. His fingers curl into fists. ‘It’s a full moon tonight and I will be changing. That’s why I couldn’t stay with you tonight. I will be a werewolf’
The fact that Oliver is a werewolf escapes my mind most of the time. He is so human, so real to me, that I forget that he is supernatural and that when there is a full moon he sheds his perfect human form for a more sinister, toothy body.
‘Why didn’t you tell me that this morning?’ I ask.
‘You know I hate talking about this werewolf stuff.’ That is something that has always puzzled me. His aversion to the supernatural when he is so closely linked to it all. It is something I hoped I could delve into another day but there isn’t time to discover that facet of his personality anymore. I’m leaving.
‘Do you know now?’ I gulp and judging by the unfathomable expression on his face I assume he has heard that I will be leaving tomorrow.
‘Yeah, Rose just told me,’ he sits beside me at the table and places his hands over mine. I want to tell Rose to leave me here. There is a huge selfish part of me that wants to pretend to my family that I’m never coming back and live the rest of my life here with Oliver. The only way I can move on from the loss of Gabe is to be with the only person with better healing powers than me. But Rose is right. I should be at home with my family.
‘I don’t...’
‘Don’t say you don’t want to go, Cassie, it’s your family.’ His face crumples into a frown.
‘I miss them,’ I whisper. I feel like I am drowning in his brown eyes and I never want to come up for air. The way he looks at me makes me feel weightless. I don’t feel chubby or plain or weird or disappointing when he looks at me.
He raises his hand and places it at the side of my face. I have all of his little gestures memorised: stroking my cheek fondly, squeezing me tightly when we hug, the gentleness of his kisses. ‘I am going to miss you,’ he says. ‘I wish I could stay with you tonight. I wish you didn’t have to leave tomorrow so I could have one more night with you in my arms.’
Oliver and I have been dancing on the fine line between friends and something more since I got here but now we have taken the leap and have settled into the knowledge that we will always mean more to each other than ‘just friends.’ ‘I don’t know how I’ll manage without you,’ I say.
‘You are the bravest person I know, Cassie, I know you’ll manage,’ he smiles at me. He pulls me closer to him so I am sitting on his lap and I wrap my arms around his neck.
It’s not just that I need him to keep away the bad dreams and help me to sleep. The nightmares will fade with time, I know that, but I don’t know if I can cope with a life without him. It would just be sad and empty. There is no way I can go back to kissing Ayrin boys when I’ve tasted his sweet lips and I will never look at myself the same way now that I’ve felt his gaze upon me. ‘I’m not so sure I can,’ I say and stuff my face into the space between his neck and broad shoulder.
‘You’ve proved you can survive so much more. Besides if you want to still see me, I’m always here,’ he says.
‘Do you mean that, Oliver? When I go home I don’t want to stop seeing you,’ I say desperately. I can barely stand not seeing him for a few hours but now I’m going to have to learn to live for weeks without feeling his scratchy beard against my skin.
‘Of course! I won’t leave you,’ he smiles and gently grazes his lips against my cheek, giving my shivers. I trust Oliver. He would never intentionally hurt me. He would do anything to protect me even if it means not kissing me right now because we both know that will only make things so much harder.
Rose walks in and curses when she sees me cuddled into Oliver.
I jump up and look at her with startled eyes.
‘You have some explaining to do, Miss. Mueller,’ Rose says with a faint smile on her cherry red lips.
Oliver gives us some privacy and I explain to Rose that when I met Oliver, he changed everything for me, I thought I was incapable of feeling the way I do for Gabe for anybody else but there was no way I could deny the electricity between the two of us. I blush as I tell her about our kisses and how Oliver decided it was best if nothing romantic ever happened between us because I was hurting too much over Gabe but somehow we always ended up in each others arms. I tell her how he stays with me every night and I can’t sleep without him. Thankfully Oliver isn’t her
e to hear me gush about him or I would die of embarrassment.
Rose takes a minute to let it sink in, ‘I knew something was going on. I could sense it. That’s why I kept mentioning how amazing I think he is. I was trying to provoke you but you wouldn’t break. You managed to convince me that I was wrong about something going on between you but I was right! Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because I knew if you thought Oliver and I had a thing that you wouldn’t help me get Gabe’s memories back.’
Rose perfect posture sags with the mention of our old friend, ‘Cassie...’
‘I know, I’m crazy! Gabe is with Claire now and I am so lucky to have someone like Oliver in my life. I know I should just forget about Gabe and let myself love Oliver but I can’t, Rose, I can’t leave him behind. I wish I could because it hurts so much,’ I am speaking frantically. ‘It breaks my heart every time I think about his face and his cynical sense of humour and how much I’m already forgetting about him! How could I let myself get hurt again with Oliver and how could I let you give up on Gabe and I when I’m not ready to give up on us either?’
‘Cassie,’ Rose tilts her head to the side. ‘I have something to tell you...’
‘Don’t be mad at me for falling for Oliver. Don’t hate me for giving up on Gabe,’ I start to cry. Guilt is killing me now. Saying it all out loud confirms my darkest fears. I can’t be with Oliver because I still love Gabe but I can never be with Gabe because he doesn’t love me at all anymore and I can’t let go of Oliver either.
‘Listen to me, Cassie! Gabe remembers! He remembers everything!’
‘What?’ my mouth drops open and I think all my insides might fall out. Why is she saying this? He doesn’t remember me. If he did, he would call. He would be here with me. If he remembered, he wouldn’t leave me. She is lying.
‘After the extraction spell, Arrow gave him back all his memories. He remembers you but he can’t be with you, Cassie,’ Rose is panting from the exhaustion of her words.
