He gathered himself and pondered for a moment how he should respond. Finally his shoulders slumped and he nodded. “Yes, I knew her. How is your mother?” he asked me. His eyes scanned my face as if he was trying to remember every detail.
“I really don’t know. I haven’t talked to her for a couple of years.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, his eyes narrowing in concern. “What can I do for you?” His voice caught for a moment as if he was dreading the answer.
“Are you my father?” There, I’d asked the question. The thousand pound gorilla in the room could no longer be ignored. I held my breath.
He hesitated for a moment then slowly nodded his head. “Yes, I think I am. You look exactly like my mother at your age. I have a picture of her in high school in the sixties and you two could be sisters.”
A grandmother? Was she still alive? A thousand questions flew through my mind. I didn’t know which one to ask first. Instead we stared at each other across his desk. He didn’t seem upset about the whole thing, but he wasn’t overjoyed either.
“Did you know about me?” I asked. Unspoken was the issue of why he hadn’t ever tried to contact me.
He rubbed the back of his neck. Sweat stains had appeared under his arms. “Not really, your mom told me about her being pregnant but I wasn’t positive I was the father. Before I could find out for sure, your mom disappeared. I figured she’d left town to have an abortion or put you up for adoption.”
I flinched and felt as if someone had smacked me in the face. He talked about abortion or adoption like he was talking about a tractor going in for repair. Not a human being, not his daughter. He saw my reaction. His eyebrows scrunched together in concern but he didn’t say anything else.
The oppressive silence filled the room like a force of nature. Each of us looked at the other, what next, I wondered.
“Danny’s birthday is in October isn’t? Katie’s is in November. Interesting,” Scott said.
Mr. Carrs, my father, grew embarrassed, his eyes shifted down for a moment and he started to turn a little pink. He cleared his throat again and then nodded. “I didn’t know my girlfriend, Danny’s Mom, was pregnant when I was… I uh was with your mom.” He hesitated a moment before going on. This was obviously not easy. “I found out about your mom about a week after I found out about Diane.” He glanced at the family portrait on the corner of his credenza. “To say I was surprised is an understatement. We’d only been together once and she told me she was on birth control.”
“And you were in college by then and she was what a sophomore in high school?” Scott said.
“Hey she was legal. Sixteen was of age back then.”
“Does your wife, Danny’s mom know.”
He sighed and looked away from us for a moment as he was recalling something. “Yeah she knows. When you moved back to town I figured things out and wanted her to be warned. I didn’t know you’d wait two years before approaching me.”
“You’ve known for two years and never said anything, never tried to contact me.”
“Like I said, I wasn’t sure I was your father. I don’t mean to be unkind, but your mom had a bit of a reputation. I wasn’t sure until you walked in here today. You look too much look like my mother.”
The ability to speak had left me. It seemed to be happening a lot lately. The silence descended again. I didn’t know what to do next. I hadn’t thought this through.
“What now?” He was probably worried about the kind of stink I could cause in town, bringing up old stories. The shame I could heap on his family.
I looked at my father. I took off the rose colored glasses, got rid of the wishes and saw a simple small town businessman who had made a mistake when he was in college.
“I just wanted you to know, that I knew, that you knew I was your daughter. If that makes any sense. The next thing is up to you.” Smiling to myself I got up and left the office before I broke down in front of him. Scott jumped up and started to follow me out then stopped and turned back to my dad.
“She’s a special girl, you’re lucky to have such a daughter, don’t screw it up,” Scott said to him before he caught me in the hall. I fell into his arms and leaned on him as we made our way out of the building.
He immediately drove us to our spot on the bluff. It was strange looking at the valley during the daylight. The farms were broken into green and brown squares. Some of it freshly turned earth being prepared for the spring planting. Other fields were a fuzzy green from fresh winter wheat coming in. In the far distance a tractor created a small dust storm as it plowed a field. I wonder if they had bought the tractor from my dad.
“What you thinking about?” Scott asked.
I scowled at him from under my brow. “What do you think I’m thinking about?”
“Okay, you’re thinking about Mr. Carrs, the questions is. What are you thinking about him?”
“You don’t have to call him Mr. Carrs, you can call him my father, or even my dad. Just because he could care less doesn’t mean we have to tip toe around the subject. We have enough egg shells around here as it is.”
“What did you want him to do? I mean …. In a perfect world what did you hope he would do?”
“I don’t know. He’s the adult in this situation. I expected him to know what to do next.” A life time of fantasies and day dreams down the drain like yesterday’s soup. “I guess I wanted him to take me in his arms and hug me and tell me he was sorry. I wanted him to go to the top of his roof and yell to the world that he had a daughter and she was the greatest thing ever. I don’t know, I guess I wanted him to give a shit.” My voice was rising and I probably sounded like a harpy screeching for its lunch. I didn’t care. Scott went to put his arm around me but I slipped away and into the corner of his truck. The last think I wanted was to be comforted. I was enjoying being mad.
Scott wisely folded his arms across his chest and stared out the front window. Yes I was overreacting, I couldn’t stop myself.
The silence between us grew until it almost matched the drowning silence in my dad’s office. “I’m sorry for snapping at you, this isn’t your fault,” I said. He continued to stare out the window, his arm muscles bunching and tensing up. His jaw looked like he was grinding his teeth into dust. Great, now I’ve pissed my boyfriend off. It seemed I was good at making people mad at me.
“What are you thinking?” I asked him as I looked out from under my brow.
He sighed then thought for a moment. “You’ve got to let me help you when you need it.”
“Something’s can’t be helped.”
“I know,” Scott said. “That doesn’t make it any easier. When I see you hurt or upset, it drives me up the wall. I want to pound what is ever bothering you into oblivion. Of course I’m aware that is not always the best response, but …. I can’t change.”
The distance between us felt as wide as the English Channel. I scooted over and buried my head on his shoulder. “I know, I’m sorry.”
He hugged me and said how he was sorry too. Everything was fine again and I was able to breathe.
After a few minutes he said, “So basically, your mom’s in Jail, your dad’s an asshole and your brother betrayed me with my girlfriend. Tell me again why we’re together.”
I laughed into his shoulder. “Because you love me, and because I love you more.”
“Yeah, buy I love you the most,” he said.
Chapter Nineteen
Scott
Things were going good between Katie and me. We talked about her father, trying to decide whether we should tell anybody else. Did she want everyone knowing that kind of thing? She decided that she’d tell her Aunt, she didn’t want her learning from some busybody in town. Otherwise, she’d keep quiet and see what happened.
Of course that didn’t take into account what Danny would do. He chose to act like his regular jerk self and made a serious mistake.
Katie and I were walking in school on our way to first period. I’ll admit I wasn�
��t really paying attention; she had a way of capturing my full awareness. We turned a corner when Katie was pulled away from me. Danny had a hold of her upper arm in a death grip. He’d blended in with the crowd because he wasn’t surrounded by his usual clique of boot lickers.
“What have you done,” He yelled, his face inches from hers. Katie’s eyes widened in fear and her face went white with pure terror. I knew she was flashing back to her bad time. My world literally went red, crimson smog covered everything. My vision narrowed, all I could see was his hand with its white knuckles gripping her.
Without thinking I grabbed him under his arms and threw him against the lockers. A loud metallic squeech echoed from his back where he hit the metal. I knew that I’d dented it, or better yet he’d dented it. His feet dangled about six inches off the ground as my fully extended arms held him up against the lockers. I didn’t care if I’d crushed his vertebra. I wasn’t letting him go until I knew Katie was unharmed.
His eyes had bugged out like a beetles as he took a swing at me. I was able to avoid the punch while keeping him pinned. He didn’t really have a choice but had to play dirty, it was the only choice he had as he tried kicking me in the groin. I easily stepped aside. His eyebrows narrowed and his shoulders slumped with frustration. He was well and truly trapped. This was the point where I should have brought my knee into his balls. I could have ended everything right then and there. Everything was set up perfect. He had given me license.
Katie placed a restraining hand on my arm before I could finish him off. “Scott, put him down Scott.” She kept saying. “Please don’t hurt my brother.”
A gasp went up from behind us. That had to be Gina. The look on Danny’s face ranks up there with some of my all-time favorites memories. The emotional pain and sense of utter loss of hope. Plus the humiliation of being held against a locker against his will by his arch enemy. All of it in front of half the school body plus his girlfriend. Priceless. I could see in his eyes that he knew he’d never fully hold their respect and undivided admiration. His head dropped and his muscles relaxed into soft compliance.
Katie was looking at me, her eyes begging me to hear her plea. Both hands resting on my arms and gently trying to pull them down, to let him go. Slowly I started to return to this reality and realize what was going on around me. I continued to hold him there while I looked at Katie, checking out her arm and making sure she was unharmed. Her soft smile was all I needed to know.
My arms started to shake as I lowered Danny back down. He was lucky I didn’t drop him, Hell he was lucky I didn’t throw him across the hall and then drag him outside to finish things.
.o0o.
Katie
My giant was over reacting again and I loved him for it. Having two boys fighting over me was a little disconcerting. This was a long way from staying hidden, my invisibility was gone forever. I pulled Scotts arms away from Danny and stepped between them. Keeping my eyes focused on Scott’s, I gently pushed him back before he could do any more damage.
The kids in the hall were standing around in shock, their eyes bulging and their jaws open in disbelief. Gina looked like she’d seen a snake in her bed. I wondered if she’d heard me calling Danny my brother, had the others heard. So much for keeping quiet about it and letting them decide who and when to say anything. I couldn’t worry about that now, I had to get Scott away before he got in trouble.
I tried pulling him away but he refused to budge. It was like trying to push a semi-truck up hill. He didn’t move an inch. His eyes looked like they were trying to nail Danny to the wall on a permanent basis.
“Three days detention, James,” Coach Carlson said from behind us. He stood there with his legs apart and his arms folded across his chest. An extremely pleased smirk, more like a shit eating grin plastered across his face. I swear the man had been waiting for this opportunity all year. If possible he’d have given him more, but teachers were limited to handing out three days of detention without taking it to the discipline board for a heavier sentence.
Scott shrugged his shoulders and glared at Danny. “Don’t EVER touch her again, I don’t care if you are her brother, that doesn’t give you the right. Get me?” The entire crowd gasped this time. Scott smiled, he had landed a devastating blow with only a few words. The smile spread as he shot Coach a look of disgust then turned and walked away, making sure to grab my hand and take me with him.
It took me an hour to track down Mr. Thompson. I’d ditched Scott telling him I’d meet up with him later. I entered the teacher’s room between first and second period. Mr. Thompson tapped a stack of papers on his desk and glanced my way when I came in.
“What does a student have to do to get three days of detention?” I asked.
He paused for a moment and cocked his head like he was trying to figure me out. “Hello, nice to see you too Ms. Rivers.”
My shoulders relaxed, it wasn’t going to do any good to piss off another teacher I told myself. “I need to get three days of detention, what do I have to do?”
He smiled and returned to arranging his previous class’s tests. “Well this is as first,” he said, now it was his turn to shrug his shoulders. “That depends, but basically, anything that upsets school harmony or generally pisses off a teacher. Why do you need detention may I ask?”
Shaking my head in answer I scrambled in my brain to find something that would work. Maybe I should just ask for it. “Would you give me detention, three days? They won’t let me into detention hall unless my name is on the list.”
Mr. Thompson studied me for a moment. “What did Scott do this time?” he asked with a smile.
“It was totally justified, I swear, Coach Carlson has it out for him.” I knew the Mr. Thompson didn’t particularly care for Coach Carlson, Every time they were in the same room together you could tell by his body language.
“So you think going to detention with him will help how?”
“He’s going there because of me, because of something I did.”
“It’s not a death sentence, a few days sitting in the cafeteria after school won’t hurt him, it’ll give him a chance to catch up on some of his homework,” he said as he started to put his papers into his briefcase. He shut the case and picked it up by the handle ready to leave.
“Listen you damn idiot, do I need to ruin your next class, just give me the damn detention.” Sometimes it was fun to be me. Several of the students who had recently entered winced in shock. Somebody whistled in admiration. Mr. Thompson saw the reaction I’d created then nodded. “Very well, Ms. Rivers, three days of detention. I hope you have a good time together.”
I smiled as I reached out and hugged him. The world was normal again, everything would be all right. Scott couldn’t get mad at me for my crazy family and all the problems they caused him. No way could he get mad if I was sharing his punishment, right?
.o0o.
“What in the hell did you do?” Scott yelled at me when I told him about going to detention with him. He looked like I’d stabbed him in the back. My insides bunched up like somebody had punched me in the gut. I thought he’d be pleased. Why was he mad?
We were all sitting at the lunch table. I’d planned to share my good news before Mattie could start giving him a hard time for getting in another fight.
He was really mad, this wasn’t him being upset or worried. He was pissed off.
“Katie, I don’t need you trying to protect me or feeling sorry for me for a minor detention.” He stabbed at his Macaroni and cheese and shoveled a forkful into his mouth.
It was a shock, I’d expected him to be pleased. We’d be able to spend that time together. I was letting the school know that I supported him. To have it thrown back in my face like this was unbelievably hurtful. This wasn’t a mistake on his part, it was intentional, and he meant every word.
I threw my unopened yogurt and fresh orange back into my brown bag and bumped him hard with my shoulder as I stood up. Giving him my most disgusted look, I turned and stom
ped off. I didn’t care what anybody thought.
To top it off, it occurred to me that now we’d have to spend the next three afternoons together in detention.
.o0o.
Scott
Katie walking away like that made my stomach knot into a tight ball and squeezed my heart like a set of vice grips.
Mattie shook her head at me and said, “I swear Scott, you are making Kevin and frogs everywhere seem smarter every day.”
I took us to the bluff after the post school detention. Mattie had rode the bus home earlier. Katie and I hadn’t had a chance to talk all day. She seemed to be avoiding me. In detention Mr. Thompson separated us before we could sit down.
Katie sat on the far side of the truck. She hadn’t sat in the middle seat and kept shooting me expectant looks like she was waiting for something. I turned the truck off and leaned back with a big sigh.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to jump all over you like that,” I said. She relaxed then nodded her head as she accepted my apology.
“You hurt me Scott, I was only trying to help,” She said.
“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” I said with my best contrite voice.
She studied me for a moment then unbuckled her belt and scooted across the seat to sit next to me. My arm slipped around her shoulder and pulled her into a tight hug. My insides relaxed for the first time that day and I felt like all was right with the world again. It always amazed me how this young woman had become the center of my life. If she was unhappy, I was miserable.
Snuggling into my side she asked me if I’d any plans Saturday night.
“No, nothing in particular, whatever you want?” I said then wondered if I was assuming too much thinking she’d automatically want to spend her Saturday evening with me.
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