“Maybe I should rent a room here,” Gwyn said in a measly attempt to make a joke, as he analyzed the doors he walked by.
The woman gave a little fake chuckle and replied, “We'll arrive shortly. The office of the doctor is in the middle of the second wing.” They passed yet another corridor with the same color scheme and another junction at the end.
“Wow, I really have to admit that I'd be lost without you. These floors look identical to me.”
“Well, kind of. It took me forever to memorize until I got used to all the little differences. Now they stick out like a sore thumb. Just like when it comes to people, right?” She laughed it off with another innocent chuckle. “But, we're already here. In case you need something, don't be afraid to call us.”
“We will do just that, thank you,” Gwyn calmed the woman.
“We?” she asked surprised while walking away.
“Ehh,” he mumbled. “I mean Dr. Alfons and me… hehe-”
A smile, while being at a loss for words, drew itself on Gwyn’s face.
With a halfhearted nod, she seemed to accept his behavior and vanished into the seemingly endless corridors.
“Phew,” he felt relieved. “Let's do this,” he said before knocking on the door.
“Come on in!” he heard someone yelling from within. Though just as Gwyn was about to enter through the door, he was already greeted warmly. This time it was Dr. Alfons himself.
“Ahh, Mr. Viridas, I presume? How nice to finally meet you again, after all this time. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard you'd pay us a visit. I just couldn't sit still anymore,” he proclaimed full of enthusiasm, as he started to shake Gwyn's hand exuberantly.
“Come, let us not get older than we already are. I'm sure we can discuss your concerns while taking a walk. Two birds with one stone, ain't that right, heh?!” Dr. Alfons chortled and put on his white lab coat as he moved outside.
The doctor was a strange bird in Gwyn’s eyes. He had only heard the stories that his parents were telling him after one too many glasses of wine. He felt like he was sent back to the time of his dearest childhood memories. His parents were old colleagues of Dr. Alfons when they studied together at their university. He was someone they still stayed in contact with after all these years. Gwyn was always told that he was still a little runt when they last met, yet he could still remember the laughing words of his mother.
“He may be a bit weird and quirky, but he is a good person at heart. He knows what's right. You better listen to him when he decides to give you any advice, you hear me Gwynny?!” He could hear her voice as if she was standing right next to him. “The right thing, huh? If only it were this easy,” he thought.
The doctor didn't seem to have changed much, or at all. He still looked way older than he actually was, maybe even too old. Perhaps because of the gray hair that was beginning to emerge victorious on his bolding, round head. Even though he should've been only around the age of forty-five by now. A long, and bushy mustache graced his chin. His round, squishy face with the raisin-like eyeballs was complimented by glasses with lenses that were way too thick for him. This was only topped by his gigantic nose, almost resembling the form of a potato. Which was more charming than anything, if Gwyn had anything to say about it.
“Doctor Alfons,” Gwyn spoke to him as they trudged along the empty corridors, with Delirias by their side.
“Oh please, call me Justus,” the doctor interrupted him quickly. “Formalities are useless when they’re not absolutely mandatory.”
Gwyn had to suppress another smirk, as his parent didn't exaggerate. “Too kind of you, but I would prefer Dr. Alfons in this case,” Gwyn responded with respect.
“As you wish, young man,” the doctor smiled.
Gradually the trio stepped into a hall that looked like an exhibition room. Decorated with stools, plants, and walls that were replaced with glass, giving him a full view of the courtyard and some of its patients. The man in the white coat stopped at one of the glass walls.
“Would you just take a look at them? All of our fine patients enjoy the early autumn breeze, just before the cold winter completely grips us with its icy claws. Wrapping itself around our fragile, tiny hearts,” he said in a melancholic voice.
It was just like he said. Gwyn could see the people aimlessly wandering around while wildly gesticulating with each other. Some sat on the ground and stared into empty spaces, while others rolled around between the trees and bushes.
“They look so peaceful, don't they?” Dr. Alfons let out a sigh eventually.
With a sense of curiosity, Gwyn watched them, getting closer to the glass, just before he could touch the cold surface of the wall with his skin.
Without warning he felt a sharp, pinching pain as if his heart were to stop any second. Everything around him started to lose its color and began to desaturate. It was not like he couldn't breathe, it felt more like the life around him started to freeze up. Neither the people outside, nor Dr. Alfons would move, as if they were frozen in time as well.
“Please, no more woolgathering! MAKE IT STOP!” It shot through his mind. His fingers clawed into his face.
“Calm down, shrimp. Everything is A-OK. You're still alive, if that is what you would call your life up until now.” There it was again, that voice that he wished would stay silent forever. “This is the Pansarum, Gwyn.”
“Pansarum? What the hell is that supposed to be?!” he asked, annoyed.
Delirias started to relax on one of the chairs around them and gracefully crossed his legs.
“Hmm, how should I explain it to someone like you,” he was deep in thought, folding his arms behind his head. “It's like a standstill, but only for the two individuals involved. Individuals that are connected – like you and me – A human and his aspect.”
“You already lost me at standstill…”
“Do you still doubt me?!” Delirias asked him furiously, after suddenly reappearing next to his shoulder, looking outside. “You and me, we are one. I'm your aspect, born from the very depths of your soul. Your deepest desire given form. We became inseparable the moment you freed me, and you laid eyes on my beautiful countenance. So please, please tell me. What do you plan with this whole charade?”
“If you insist,” Gwyn was shaken, but also resilient. “We are in the sanatorium called 'Path of the Mountain Deer.' An institution for admission and care of mentally unstable people.”
“Oi, Oi, kid, you're playing with me, aren't you?!”
Gwyn didn't have an answer for that, but also because he was slowly making his way towards Dr. Alfons, who really looked like he was made out of stone.
“Fascinating…” Gwyn mumbled, almost forgetting his troubles.
“I can't believe it. You are meeting a part of your inner self, and you already plan for admission to a mental hospital. It seems like I really do have some rotten luck with you,” Delirias moaned, imitating to faint.
“That's not why I'm here,” Gwyn objected.
“Ho? What are you here for, little lamb? Shall one of the mentally challenged become your new playmate, huh? Kikiki,” the aspect started his usual giggling.
“No. I'm here to put an end to my hallucinations of yo-” before Gwyn could even finish his sentence, the guffaw of Delirias intensified, who already rolled on the floor laughing.
“You really…” He tried to calm himself, but couldn't because his manically laughter wouldn't stop, “thought that you could… fufufu.”
Delirias lost all control. His hands pressed against his stomach he wiped away the first tears that were starting to come out.
“In all seriousness though, my battle-ready companion,” again Delirias appeared behind Gwyn and put his hand on his shoulder. “It seems like you still think I'm nothing but a cruel joke of your imagination. Have you not asked yourself yet what 'aspect' means in this context?”
“Why should I take anything seriously that comes out of your mouth?” Gwyn answered.
Delirias p
ut up his index finger and oscillated it back and forth in front of him.
“Because we are a unit, you big dummy. I know you, your feelings, your memories, your hopes, your fears. Everything. I am here to help you.”
“Help me? You are my problem,” he hissed back at the aspect.
“Kiki, are you really sure about that? That I've seen the light of day seems to contradict your statement, my little Gwynneth.” Delirias seemed to come closer to his human counterpart, until Gwyn felt a warm breath on his neck, while the white-haired man whispered in his ear.
“Trust me. The faster you get that into your thick skull, the quicker we can end this farce and take care of more important matters.” Delirias let him off and gracefully walked across the room.
“The Pansarum was made for this sole reason. To unite the thoughts of the human and his aspect, in this case - my humble self and you,” he explained with pride.
Gwyn just stared at him in shock as he asked himself if he was still intoxicated from last night.
“Of course both of us can call onto the Pansarum if we so desire. It is possible with just your thoughts alone. Assuming you start to accept your situation and fate already.”
“You can't be serious with all of this. I've completely lost it. How do you know these things? Haven't you just been born, as you phrased it?” Gwyn yelled flabbergasted.
“That's true, but it is in our blood. Just as you humans like to flounce around on two legs, we know about the person that brought us into this world. Though unfortunately, it's true that we can't read your thoughts, but I'm pretty sure I could guess them quite accurately. How about a little test?” Delirias formed another malicious smile on his face.
“NO!” Gwyn continued his disbelief. “Just great. A safe space for me and my hallucinations. Is this my fate? Being the biggest loser ever? Good going, Gwyn,” he sighed.
“One more thing, partner,” the aspect objected. “All of this is real. Which is why you are hopefully aware that neither you nor I can truly stop time. Every outsider will think you are delusional or simply daydreaming. Not really suited for heated situations, if you catch my drift,” Delirias smirked. “But enough with the boring explanations. It had to be done, but any longer and your friendly doctor will think you are just as mentally challenged as his patients.”
“B-but…” Gwyn started to stutter, but it was already too late. In slow motion, he could barely recognize how the laughing figure raised his arm and snapped his fingertips with a loud bang so that the ghastly spectacle could begin once more.
Chapter 4 – Escapism
Within the blink of an eye, he had returned.
“Is everything all right Mr. Viridas?” Justus worried. “It felt like you were spacing out there for a moment.”
“Ahah-- ...please excuse me, Doctor. Sometimes I get lost in my own thoughts,” Gwyn awkwardly explained.
“Hoho,” the doctor hooted back. “It really is a form of relaxation to watch them. Strange though, isn't it?” He pointed at the people behind the glass wall.
“Indeed…” Gwyn nodded.
“Come, let us not waste such a beautiful day indoors. I'm sure you have a sound reason for your visit,” Justus said, as they both went through the door leading into the courtyard.
“It really is remarkable what your institute accomplishes here. I’m sure I would just give up after a while,” Gwyn remarked as he admired the white pavilions and benches being embraced by the soothing sound of whistling leaves.
“My boy, this is not the time for flattery. I've come to terms with my inability to achieve something glorious for my medical field or humanity a long time ago.” Dr. Alfons seemed melancholic as he mentioned the subject. He avoided Gwyn's gaze and adjusted his glasses that managed to slip of his big nose.
“Is it that bad here?” the young man asked unknowingly.
“Just have a look around.” The doctor stretched his arms towards the straying patients. “This is no place for healing. All these people are here because they have nowhere else to go. Most of them are not even responsible for their condition, though it’s understandable that nobody has the strength to care for them forever.” His voice started to sound more and more cheerless as he continued on.
“We may test theories and different practices on them, but after all these years I'm just not sure anymore whether we will ever be able to handle it. Sometimes I ask myself if we simply wait for them to die just so that they are no longer a burden on society.”
“Fufu, finally a doctor after my taste,” Delirias chuckled perfidiously behind them.
“Shh,” Gwyn fizzled into his direction.
“Hm? Did you say something Mr. Viridas?” Dr. Alfons asked.
“Ahaha… you know, it's nothing. I was just taken aback by your honesty and your ability to freely share your feelings,” he replied, while being stumped and rubbing the back of his head.
“You're totally right, and someone like that dares to calls himself a doctor,” the elderly man tried to put on a cramped smile, but to no avail. “I'm sorry that I'm troubling you with my problems as well.”
Gwyn tried to interrupt to comfort him, but Dr. Alfons already picked himself up and continued.
“It may be because of your parents who always deeply believed, that I'd be a great scientist one day. Someone who will render an even greater service to humanity, you know?” he sighed. “And what happened to that? I betrayed their feelings and feel sorry for myself, right in front of their only son. This simply can't be the right way to go.” The doctor wanted to go on, but it was already too late.
Gwyn couldn't hold himself together any longer and rushed towards him in such an abruptly fashion that it even caught Delirias’ attention.
“It's not over yet by a long shot!” he unexpectedly raised his voice, clawing his fingers into the shoulders of the kind doctor. “Dr. Alfons! No, Justus! Stay strong!” he continued to shout even though he was standing right in front of him
“All these people have been left to themselves, without someone to help them. Without even able to help themselves.” Gwyn's voice started to crack a little, as he spoke his mind. “If not even their doctor cares about their fate then nobody ever will,” his eyes nearly teared up.
“I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, but please do not despair. No matter how hopeless it may feel, please, please,” he got louder and louder while pinching his eyes together as hard as he could.
“DO NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!” he yelled. “If I were to be one of your patients, this would the only wish I'd ever have. Someone who believes in me until the bitter end, even when I've already given up myself!”
“Oh shit…” Gwyn suddenly crawled back into his own head and let go of the doctor. “WHY THE HELL AM I SAYING ALL THESE THINGS? Don't tell me that I'm afraid to be one of them soon enough?” he thought to himself, scared and shaken to his core. Delirias, who watched the whole scene play out, drew his hood over his head. Underneath it, a wide and confident grin became visible. Gwyn's grand speech had put the courtyard into deep silence, and the patients started to notice them. Dr. Alfons hadn’t answered, as Gwyn tried his best not to hyperventilate until the silence was finally broken.
“Hoho, you speak with much courage, my boy,”he cheered loudly once again, and Gwyn felt the big, rough hand of Dr. Alfons patting his shoulder.
“You're completely right. Looks like the spirit of your parents is very much alive in you. For that, I'm very grateful. It's not always easy to do the things you hold dear in your heart,” he nodded in a heartfelt motion.
“Don't be alarmed Mr. Viridas. I may come off as melancholic from time to time, but my conviction will never change so easily. Even if there is only one person I could help, then it was worth every second of it”, he laughed with his deep voice and pulled at his bushy mustache.
“But enough of me, what brings you to us, my boy?”
“Oh, yeah,” Gwyn uncomfortably remembered. “The real reason for my visit is that I've r
ecently regained my interest to write. The case of the young couple that supposedly killed each other ten years ago peaked my curiosity. Do you remember hearing about that?”
“Hmm, unfortunately, I did,” Dr. Alfons answered despondently as he starts to twirl his mustache. “I remember it all too well. A perfectly happy couple on the outside, suddenly struck by such a tragedy. What exactly makes you curious about it?”
“Well there was much speculation about this being a case of something like schizophrenia or other psychological disorders,” Gwyn followed up.
“Hm, how shall I put it for you? You’re thinking of a multiple personality disorder? True, it's a terrifying thought to lose control over your own mind and body. The human brain is very complex and fragile scaffold at the same time,” he explained calmly. “It's very likely to lose oneself in the depths of your inner mind Mr. Viridas. Most people today might even still call it 'Insanity.' Truly saddening is that we have no cure or any kind of treatment for it.”
“I don't' think I even want to imagine how it's like,” Gwyn added.
“Exactly. It's an eerie experience, but it doesn't stop there, there are many unanswered questions. Do you want to know something in particular?”
“Well, I thought a glimpse into the field would help me find what I'm looking for,” the troubled man replied.
“Then come with me before I indulge in even more boring terminology and therapy options. It might be best to simply show you, if that's okay with you.”
Gwyn nodded, and the doctor took him by his shoulder, showing him the way.
“Witnessing such disheartening cases may lead to traumatic situations or memories, so please proceed with caution,” Dr. Alfons explained.
“Please don't worry about good ol' me. Today I'm ready for almost anything,” Gwyn promised, as he was sure, it couldn't get any worse for him from this point forward.
On their tour they visited the same droopy facades and corridors Gwyn has seen before, with the only difference being sturdier framework on the doors. Equipped with more locks and metal tablets engraved on them. Also, each of them had a little acrylic glass embedded onto it to allow for a small sneak peek. While passing the doors, Gwyn read some of the tablets “Number 42. Patient B. K.; Number 36, Patient E. C.; Number 22, Patient H. T.…”
My Insanity Page 5
