Mark But if he’s not ready.
Robbie Right. A forfeit. Something I’d like you to . . . something by way of punishment.
Mark Just leave it, OK?
Gary Shit, I don’t want to.
Robbie (to Lulu) What do you think would be a suitable punishment?
Mark (to Gary) It’s alright. It’s alright.
Gary Shit.
Gary’s tears are close to hysteria.
Mark I’ll do it. We can come back to you.
Now – ask me a question.
Robbie No.
Mark Come on – ask me a question.
Lulu Alright.
Robbie It’s cheating.
Lulu I know. My question is . . . My question is: who is the most famous person you’ve ever fucked?
Mark The most famous person?
Lulu The most famous person.
Mark Well OK then OK.
Robbie If you’re gonna . . . it’s got to be the truth.
Mark Yeah, yeah.
Robbie Or it doesn’t count.
Mark I know.
Lulu Come on. The most famous person.
Robbie No because last time –
Lulu Come on.
Robbie No because before.
Lulu Let him say it.
Robbie You made it up last time.
Mark I know, I know.
Robbie So what I’m saying is –
Mark I know what you’re saying.
Robbie I’m saying it’s got to be true.
Mark Right.
Beat.
Robbie Right.
Beat.
Lulu Well then –
Mark Well then. I’m in Tramps, OK? Tramps or Annabel’s, OK?
Robbie Which – ?
Mark I can’t remember.
Robbie Look, you’ve got to –
Lulu Go on.
Mark Tramps or Annabel’s or somewhere, OK?
Robbie If you don’t know where.
Mark It doesn’t matter where, OK?
Robbie If it’s true then –
Mark The place, the name doesn’t matter.
Lulu No. It doesn’t matter.
Robbie I think you should know –
Mark What the fuck does it matter where?
Lulu Alright.
Mark When what you said was who.
Lulu Come on. Who? Who? Who?
Mark Tramps or Annabel’s or someplace. Someplace because the place is not of importance, OK? Because the place doesn’t matter. So I’m at this somewhere place –
Robbie When?
Mark Jesus.
Lulu It doesn’t matter.
Robbie I want to know when.
Lulu Come on, you’re there and –
Robbie I want to know when?
Mark Sometime. In the past.
Robbie The last week past? The last year past? Your childhood past?
Lulu The past past.
Mark Well I don’t –
Robbie Come on –
Lulu Why?
Robbie Veracity. For the /
Mark / alright then alright /
Robbie / veracity of it.
Mark ’84. ’85. About then. OK?
Robbie OK.
Mark So I’m in this place – which is maybe Tramps maybe not – and it’s possibly 1985 –
Robbie That’s all I wanted to know.
Mark I’m having a good time.
Robbie Meaning?
Mark Meaning a good time. Meaning a time that is good.
Robbie Meaning you’ve taken –
Mark Meaning I’m having a time that is good.
Robbie Because you’ve taken –
Mark Not necessarily.
Robbie But you had?
Mark I don’t know.
Robbie Come on. ’84. ’85. You must have been on something.
Mark Well yes.
Robbie Yes.
Mark Probably yes.
Robbie Because really when can you say you’re not –
Mark What? Go on, what?
Robbie When can you say you’re not on something?
Mark Now.
Robbie Yeah?
Lulu Come on. Come on.
Robbie You’re sure? Sure that you’re not –
Mark Yes.
Lulu Let’s – the story.
Mark I’m fucking clean, alright?
Lulu Come on. ’84. ’85. Tramps. Annabel’s.
Robbie Yeah. Right.
Mark I mean, what the fuck do I have to – ? I’m clean, OK?
Lulu Please. I want to know who.
Mark Alright. Just don’t – alright. Tramps. ’84. I’m having a good time.
Robbie You’re tripping?
Mark No. And I need a piss, yes?
Lulu In the toilet?
Mark Yes, a piss in the toilet.
Lulu This is a toilet story.
Mark So, I’m taking my way to the toilet, right? And there’s this woman, OK? This woman is like watching me.
Lulu Who? Who? Who?
Mark Of course, I should have known then. I should have known who she was.
Lulu Who?
Mark But I mean I am so –
Robbie You’re tripping.
Mark No.
Robbie You should have known who she was but you’re tripping.
Mark Look, I was not tripping.
Robbie You didn’t recognise this famous person because you were completely out of it.
Mark OK, OK, I was completely out of it.
Lulu And you’re on your way to the toilet.
Mark Out of it. All I know is that this woman’s eyes are like: give me your veiny bang stick, OK?
Lulu Way with words.
Mark So I’m pissing. Urinals. I’m pissing in the urinals and in the mirror I can see the door, OK? Well, OK. Pissing and the door opens. Door opens and it’s her.
Lulu So you’re what – in the ladies?
Robbie Urinals in the ladies?
Mark Nope.
Robbie So this is the –
Mark Urinals in the gents.
Robbie So she’s –
Mark She’s there in the gents, OK? Standing in the gents watching me piss, OK? And now, we’re in like bright – we’re in fluorescent light I see.
Lulu Who? Who? Who?
Mark Not yet.
Robbie Why not?
Mark Because I’m out of it, OK. As you say, I’m on something. I should know who, but I don’t recognise her, OK?
Lulu So then bright light and you see . . . ?
Mark See what she’s wearing. A uniform. She is wearing a police uniform.
Lulu Fuck. Who? Who? Who?
Robbie A man’s uniform or – ?
Mark WPC. The Docs, the stockings, the jacket. The works. The hat. And she looks me in the eyes –
Gary A woman?
Robbie You’re pissing?
Mark Looks me in the eyes by way of the mirror, OK?
Robbie OK, OK.
Gary You did it with a woman?
Mark She looks, she, she, she cruises me and then goes into one of the cubicles but looking at me all the time, you know? Goes into one of the cubicles and leaves the door ajar. I want to race right in there, you know? Get down to it but, like you do, I count to ten. Count to ten and then like coolly walk past. And as I walk past I take a cool glance to my left, cool look into the cubicle, cubicle with the door ajar and – wow.
Lulu Wow?
Mark Wow? The skirt is up around the waist. The skirt is up and the knickers are off or maybe she never had knickers – who knows? – but the skirt is up and she is like displaying this beautiful, come and get it snatch to die for, OK?
Gary Said you didn’t go for women.
Robbie Facing / you?
Lulu Who is it?
Mark So I’m in there. I’m in and I kneel. I pay worship. My tongue is worshipping that pussy like it’s God. And that’s when she speaks. Speaks and I know who she is.
&n
bsp; Lulu Who?
Mark She says ‘Oh yah. Chocks away.’
Lulu No.
Robbie What?
Gary Is this a woman?
Lulu No – it can’t be.
Robbie I told you.
Lulu That is fucking unbelievable.
Robbie Yes, yes it is.
Lulu What? Fergie?
Mark Yup. Fergie.
Lulu Fucking hell.
Mark I recognise the voice. Get a look at the face. It’s her.
Robbie Come on –
Mark Fergie is like ‘chocks away’. Fergie is right down to it. Fergie is ready to swallow anything, you know? I mean, any chocks there might have been have been chocked away. So a couple of minutes later, I’m there and Fergie is fellating. It’s gobbledeygobble up against the cistern.
Robbie Nobody believes this. How can you believe this?
Mark Gobbledeygobble and the door, door to the cubicle starts to open.
Robbie This is ridiculous.
Mark I haven’t locked the door, you see.
Robbie We said the truth. It had to be the truth.
Mark Rule number one. Always lock the door.
Robbie No one believes this.
Mark Door opens and there’s another woman. Yes. There’s a second woman. Another policewoman like squeezes her way in.
Robbie Shut up.
Mark With blonde hair.
Robbie SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Pause.
Mark What? What I thought you wanted to know . . .
Robbie The truth.
Mark Which is what . . .
Robbie No.
(To Lulu.) Do you believe him?
(To Gary.) Do you?
Pause.
Rule number one. Never believe a junkie.
Because a junkie is a cunt. And when a junkie looks you in the eyes and says ‘I love you’ that’s when you know he’s gonna fill you full of shit.
Pause.
Gary Why didn’t you tell me you’d done it with a woman?
Robbie (to Gary) Back to you.
Gary Alright.
Robbie It’s your turn now.
Mark You don’t have to –
Gary I want to.
Lulu We’ll help you.
Gary Yeah?
Lulu Help you find the words.
Robbie Alright then. Alright. Your story. Your film, yeah?
Gary Yeah.
Robbie I think I know what it is. I see. I understand.
Gary Yeah.
Robbie Yes. These pictures in your head.
So if I help – yes? If I can help you to describe the pictures then –
Gary Yes.
Robbie Alright. Alright. There’s you yes and you’re. I see you . . . there’s music yes?
Gary Music. Yes.
Robbie Loud music. Dum dum dum. Like / techno.
Gary Techno music. Yes.
Robbie Techno music and you’re moving like – you’re dancing yes?
Gary Dancing.
Robbie Dancing on a dance floor. Dance floor in a club.
Gary Yes. Yes. A club.
Robbie And you’re dancing with this bloke.
Gary No. Not like that. He’s just there.
Robbie Dancing by yourself. But now . . .
Gary Watching.
Robbie Bloke who’s watching you.
Gary I’m dancing.
Lulu He’s watching.
Gary Yeah. Watching me.
Lulu And you smile.
Gary No. No smile.
Robbie But you know, you think: you don’t have a choice.
Lulu No control.
Gary No control.
Robbie Because he’s . . .
Lulu Because he’s . . .
Gary Because he’s gonna / take me away.
Robbie Have you. I’m going to have you.
Lulu He’s going to have you.
Mark Come on, leave –
Robbie No.
Mark This is – it’s getting heavy.
Gary No.
Robbie We’re getting to the truth.
Gary I want to do it.
Lulu Now there’s another – a fat bloke.
Gary Yes? A fat bloke?
Lulu Fat bloke who owns you.
Gary I didn’t know about him.
Lulu Owns you but doesn’t want you.
And the fat blokes says:
See that one dancing?
Robbie Yeah. Yeah. I see him.
Lulu Well, he’s mine. I own him.
Mark Fuck’s sake.
Lulu I own him but I don’t want him.
Gary Dunt want me.
Lulu You know something.
He’s trash and I hate him.
Robbie Hate him.
Gary Right. Hates me.
Robbie And the fat bloke says –
Lulu Well, you wanna buy him?
Gary Yes.
Robbie And / I say.
Gary You say.
Robbie How much?
Lulu Piece of trash like that. Well, let’s say twenty. He’s yours for twenty.
Robbie So you see the money.
Gary I see money. See you pay him.
Robbie You’ve seen the . . .
Gary Transaction. I’ve seen the transaction.
Robbie Transaction.
Gary Yes and you’ve come to fetch me. You don’t say anything. Just take me away.
Robbie Good. Take you away.
Gary Big car. Through the security gates and we’re in the house.
And now dark. I can’t see because . . . I’m wearing a, there’s like a . . .
Lulu A blindfold?
Gary Blindfold. Yes . . . like a blindfold.
Lulu produces a blindfold.
Mark pushes Lulu away and put his arms around Gary.
Mark Alright. Stop now. See? You can choose this instead. You must like that.
Just to be loved.
Gary What are you doing?
Mark Just holding you.
Gary You’ve not even fucked me.
He pushes Mark away.
You’re taking the piss, aren’t you?
Mark I’m just trying to show you. Because, I don’t think that you have ever actually been loved and if the world has offered us no practical . . .
Gary What are you?
Mark I can take care of you.
Gary You’re nobody. You’re not what I want.
Mark If you can just get out of this trap.
Gary I don’t want you. Understand? You’re nothing.
Mark Wait. I just need to get this.
Mark takes coke from Gary’s pocket and retreats.
Lulu Do you understand what we’re going to do to you?
Gary Yes.
Lulu You understand and do you want us to do this?
Gary Yes.
Lulu puts the blindfold on Gary.
Robbie Blindfold you and –
Gary Take me up the stairs.
Robbie In my house?
Gary In your house.
Lulu and Robbie spin Gary around.
Robbie And you feel . . . you know this house. Know you’ve been here before.
Gary Yeah. When have I been here before?
Lulu And now. Now a bare room.
So – you’re the new slave?
Robbie Yes. Yes, old woman. This is the new slave.
Lulu Beware. Beware. Do you now what the last slave died of?
Gary No. There’s no woman.
Robbie Now.
Lulu Sssssh. He’s coming. The master is coming. Sssssshhh.
Gary I know this house. I know who he is.
Robbie Knob. Knob on the door turning.
Silence. Gary stands very still. Robbie slowly approaches him from behind. Long pause – Robbie inches away from Gary.
Gary Go on.
Robbie Yes?
Gary Do it.
Robbie It’s what you want.
Gary Yes.
/> Robbie starts to undo Gary’s trousers.
Robbie Yes?
Gary Yes.
Robbie pulls down Gary’s trousers.
He spits on his hand. Slowly he works the spit up Gary’s arse.
Robbie Now?
Gary Do it now.
Robbie Now.
Robbie unzips his fly. Works spit on to his penis. He penetrates Gary. He starts to fuck him.
Silence. Robbie continues to fuck Gary.
Lulu Is that good? Do you like that?
More silent fucking.
Robbie (to Mark) Do you want him?
Mark I . . .
Robbie Do you know what he is? Trash. Trash and I hate him. Want him, you can have him.
Mark Yes.
Robbie pulls away. Mark goes through the same routine – spitting and penetrating Gary. He fucks him viciously.
Mark Fuck you. Fuck you.
Lulu Does it hurt? Is it hurting you?
Gary Are you him? Are you my dad?
Mark No.
Gary Yes. You’re my dad.
Mark I told you – no.
He hits Gary.
Then, he pulls away from Gary.
Gary See. See. I know who you are. So finish it.
Mark No.
He hits Gary repeatedly.
I’m. Not. Your. Dad.
Lulu Leave him. Leave him now. Finished. It’s over.
Gary No. Don’t stop now.
Robbie No?
Robbie gets into position to continue fucking Gary.
Gary Because – look – this bit. It doesn’t end like this. He’s always got something. He gets me in the room, blindfolds me. But he doesn’t fuck me. Well not him, not his dick. It’s the knife. He fucks me – yeah – but with a knife.
So . . .
Pause.
Lulu No.
Mark Gotta have something.
Gary In the kitchen. Or, or a screwdriver. Or something.
Lulu No.
Gary Got to be fucking something. That’s how it ends.
Robbie pulls off Gary’s blindfold.
Robbie No. I can’t do that.
Gary You’re not gonna finish like this?
Robbie I’m not gonna do that.
Lulu You’ll bleed.
Gary Yeah.
Lulu You could die.
Gary No. I’ll be OK. Promise.
Robbie It’ll kill you.
Gary It’s what I want.
Lulu Go home now.
Gary Just do it. Just fucking do it.
You’re losers – you’re fucking losers you know that?
Robbie Yeah.
Gary Listen, right. When someone’s paying, someone wants something and they’re paying, then you do it.
Nothing right. Nothing wrong. It’s a deal. So then you do it. I thought you were for real.
Pretending, isn’t it? Just a story.
Robbie Yes. It’s just a story.
Mark (to Robbie and Lulu) Please leave us now.
Lulu We needed his money.
Mark I know. If you leave us alone. I’ll take care of this. Yes?
Ravenhill Plays: 1: Shopping and F***ing; Faust is Dead; Handbag; Some Explicit Polaroids (Contemporary Dramatists) Page 7
