by Ivy Smoak
I pulled back. “Penny, I’ve had a really shitty day and I don’t want to pretend that everything is fine. You know I don’t want to do this.”
“I’m not asking you to pretend anything. And I thought you did want this?” She pulled her arms across her chest like she was hugging herself. Like she was trying to protect herself from my wrath. “I’m sorry, Matt. I didn’t mean to pressure you.” She shook her head. “I didn’t realize I was doing that. I thought…I just…” her voice trailed off. “I’m sorry.”
Fuck. I hadn’t meant to upset her.
She was blinking fast like she was about to cry. I’d noticed her doing that more and more recently. Like there was something in her life that was making her unhappy. She was hiding something. And her secrets drew me closer. It was one of the reasons why I’d agreed to meet with her like this. I wanted her to let me in. Even though I wasn’t the person she should be opening up to.
She blinked faster and all I wanted to do was pull her into my arms. And kiss away the tears before they had a chance to fall. I took another step back from her.
She hugged herself even tighter and forced a smile onto her face. “I’m sorry you had a bad day. It’s okay if you want to go. I have a little work I need to finish up anyway.”
I just stared at her. Because I didn’t really want to leave.
“But I’m here if you wanna talk about it,” she added.
I pressed my lips together. It was a bad idea. My breathing had finally evened out, but I still felt shaky. The last thing I needed was for Penny to see me like this. But I found myself nodding. “Okay.”
“Okay you’ll stay?”
“Yeah. I’m going to need another drink though.”
“Do you want something to eat too? Ellen made a delicious chicken casserole for dinner last night and we have some leftovers.”
Her housekeeper, Ellen, was a great cook. And the thought of a home-cooked meal made my stomach growl. I nodded.
“Great. Go sit down and I’ll warm some up for you and grab you another drink.” She turned her back to me.
I retreated to the living room. Not just because I needed a minute to calm down. But it seemed like she needed a minute to compose herself too. I sat down on the couch. I was still in my sweatpants and t-shirt from practice. I’m pretty sure I smelled from running sprints with the team. And I probably looked like death after thinking I saw the dead walking along the busy streets of Manhattan.
I leaned forward, placing my elbows on top of my knees, as I stared at pictures of Penny’s happy family on the wall. There were several framed pictures from James and Penny’s wedding day. I was standing right next to James with a huge smile on my face. A fake one. But I wasn’t sure anyone could tell.
It should have been me.
I looked down at my hands. I wasn’t a homewrecker. I wasn’t actually here to sleep with Penny, despite my wandering thoughts. The only reason she’d invited me over was because she’d offered to help me with online dating. I didn’t want to date. I didn’t date. Ever. But I couldn’t pass up spending more time with Penny. We rarely ever hung out one on one. And here she was, offering. She’d even said she wouldn’t tell anyone about it. Our little secret project. One I figured I could drag out for as long as I wanted. Because we didn’t have the same end goal.
Penny pictured me having a life like her and James. Happily married with two kids.
But I didn’t want that. I would never get married. And I’d never have kids. I’d given up on that dream when I buried the love of my life.
“Here you go,” Penny said, setting down my glass and a plate piled high with steaming deliciousness.
“Thanks, Penny.” I grabbed the plate of food instead of downing another glass of scotch. I practically sighed around my first bite. Definitely better than takeout.
“I thought you were coming from work?” Penny asked.
“I did.”
She stared at my sweatpants but didn’t say anything else about it. “So, bad day at the office?”
I shrugged. “Something like that.”
She sat down next to me and pulled her legs up beneath her on the couch. “I was really excited about tonight. Honestly, I’ve been looking forward to it for months. And when you finally didn’t ditch me, I figured it meant you were excited too. But we don’t have to set up a dating profile for you tonight. We can just talk.”
I really would prefer just talking to her. “How are you doing?” I asked. She’d been through a lot. We’d almost lost her. We’d almost lost her baby boy, Liam. And I could see it in her eyes. She was still holding on to something there. And I think maybe when we almost lost her, it reminded me of losing Brooklyn. Maybe that’s why I kept feeling like I saw Brooklyn on the streets. Like my past was somehow swirling with my present.
“I’m good.” She laughed and pretended like she meant it. “I kind of thought we’d talk about why you’re upset today.” She leaned back on the couch, resting her head in her hand. “Or why you keep postponing trying to find your soulmate.”
Soulmate. The word sounded bitter instead of hopeful. I took another bite of casserole to stall. Because talking led to the truth. I wasn’t going to talk to her about Brooklyn. One of the reasons I liked hanging out with Penny was because she didn’t know about my past. “No, let’s go ahead and set up this dating profile you’re so obsessed with.” Besides, actually going through with this was the best pretense I had to keep coming back here and hanging out with her.
“Really?” A huge, crazy smile spread across her face. Fine, she didn’t really look crazy. She was always beautiful. And I could easily imagine pushing her back on the couch. My fingers tangled in her hair. That blush on her cheeks just for me. I’d kiss that smirk right off her perfect face. And I wouldn’t need to go on some stupid dating app and play pretend. I knew for a fact that I’d never find someone. But it wouldn’t be half bad having Penny to keep my bed warm.
I hated that I wanted that. But I couldn’t deny it was true. She reminded me so much of Brooklyn. She was sweet and kind and hopeful, despite everything she’d been through. Her laugh filled a room in the same way Brooklyn’s had. Her voice even sounded similar. I wasn’t sure if it was a slight Delawarean accent or what. But when she spoke, I always found myself drawing closer to her. Like she could help me remember everything I’d lost. Even if just for one night.
Yeah, I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking about James’ wife in that way. But I didn’t feel like chastising myself right now. And I couldn’t sit there and deny that she was hot. Gorgeous with a whole lot of crazy currently directed at me.
“Stop it,” I said.
“Stop what?” she asked. But her smile didn’t disappear. If anything, it grew.
“Stop staring at me like you’re about to do something weird.”
Penny laughed. “I’m not doing anything weird. You came to me for help.” She rubbed her hands together in evil joy. “So what dating app were you thinking? I’m a little out of my depth here. James and I met before this whole online dating thing had gotten popular. I never got to experience any of that.”
“I thought you said you knew what you were doing.”
“I do.” She laughed. “Forget everything I just said. I’m a very skilled matchmaker. You came to exactly the right place. And I know which app I want to use. I saw a commercial the other day about compatibility and percentages. Apparently true love…”
True love? Give me a break. “Yeah, I’m out,” I joked and pretended to start to stand up. But I wasn’t going anywhere. Joking around with her was one of my favorite things.
“Matt.” She caught my arm and I tried to ignore the spark that her touch ignited on my skin. Again. It kept happening. And I wanted to pretend it was nothing. But it didn’t feel like nothing to me. It had been a long time since I’d felt something like that. A really long time. It was one of the reasons I’d come over here like an idiot, pretending to ask for her help.
But she felt it too, r
ight? My eyes locked with hers. We both stood frozen for just a few seconds.
I wanted to kiss her. I ran through the consequences in my head. James would hate me. Despite years of trying to forget how much he’d fucked up my relationship with Brooklyn, a part of me still hated him. So I didn’t really care about that. Our friendship was built on a foundation of rotten wood. It was doomed to collapse eventually. But if I kissed James’ wife, Rob would never forgive me either. He’d choose his brother over his best friend. Worst of all, my brother, Mason, wouldn’t even have my back on this one. There’d be nothing he could say to defend me. I was crossing too many lines. I’d lose everything. But what did I really have anyway? Some half ass friends that pretended the past meant nothing when I was fucking drowning every day? They didn’t understand. They didn’t even care.
I swallowed hard. There were two things that could happen immediately if I went for it. Penny might slap me and kick me out. Or… My eyes landed on her lips. Or she might kiss me back.
Chapter 3
Thursday
I leaned forward, my eyes glued to her lips. Every thought swirling through my mind was telling me to stop.
Penny’s eyes grew round.
But I didn’t stop. Because my heart didn’t agree with my head. It was broken, and I just needed one night to help heal it. I was so tired of feeling fucking broken.
But I didn’t get a chance to find out if kissing Penny would numb my pain. Because she removed her hand from my arm like she knew exactly what I was thinking. She quickly wiped the side of her mouth, as if I’d been staring at her because there was something there. And not because I wanted to kiss her senseless.
“Is there something on my face?” she asked, ignoring the fact that I was leaning even closer.
I swallowed hard, my thoughts still swirling with desire.
“Matt?”
I wasn’t even sure what her question had been. “Sorry, what did you say?”
She laughed. “Why do you keep looking at me like that? I have something on my face, don’t I?” She wiped the side of her mouth again. “I was eating ice cream earlier and I…” her voice trailed off as I reached out and ran my thumb right beneath her lower lip.
She didn’t have anything on her face. But I’d use any excuse to touch her. “There,” I said, letting my fingers rest along her cheek for just a moment. “I got it.”
“Thank you.” She cleared her throat.
I reluctantly let my hand fall from her velvety skin. She wasn’t mine to touch. But touching her made my heart feel like it was beating better.
“So back to the app.” She looked down at her phone. “It’s time to find you someone to settle down with.”
Why the hell did I agree to this again? I didn’t want her to download some stupid app. I just wanted to spend more time with her. I didn’t want to fucking find the love of my life on some random dating app. I’d already found that back in high school. And it had all been taken away from me. So I no longer believed in love. All I knew was that hanging out with Penny made me feel better for some reason. I was doing this to spend time with her. Not to fall in love. Not to find someone to settle down with. That wasn’t in the cards for me. Ever.
I leaned away from her. If Penny knew how beautiful she was, she would have known I was about to kiss her rather than worrying about something invisible on her face. If she was mine, I’d let her know how beautiful she was every day. Which her shitty husband was apparently neglecting to do.
“Give me a second to download the app,” she said. “And while we wait, you can tell me all about your ideal girl.”
I stared at her. I didn’t want to talk about this. “I don’t have a type.”
Penny rolled her eyes.
I loved when she did that. Like she was begging to be spanked. Stop. “Well, if you insist, I really like girls who roll their eyes at me.”
“I don’t think that’s an option,” she said as she looked up from the app.
I smiled at her.
And then she blushed and laughed awkwardly. “Stop making fun of me.”
“I wasn’t making fun of you, Penny.” I couldn’t help it. My eyes fell to her lips again.
She shook her head. “True love is serious. So you need to take this seriously,” she said, using her commanding mom voice that worked so well with her daughter, Scarlett. Sometimes. Scarlett tended to do whatever she wanted. She was freaking adorable and I was one of the people who spoiled her the most. The little girl could do no wrong in my eyes. I’d never said no to her before, and I was pretty sure I never would. Maybe it was the same with her mother.
And there was something sexy about her using that demanding voice on me. I usually liked to be in control in the bedroom, but I wouldn’t mind giving her a turn. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?
“Ideal girl,” she said. “And go.”
“Hm.” I put my arm on the back of the couch, dangerously close to touching her. “Petite. Red hair…” I stopped talking when her eyes snapped to mine.
“This is all very funny, Matt. For real though. How am I supposed to find the girl of your dreams if all you want to do is mess with me?” She pushed her red hair behind her ear and looked back down at the app downloading on her phone.
I wasn’t joking. She was my ideal girl. But she’d never be mine. I knew that. And yet…I was sitting here like an idiot anyway. “You promise this stays between us?” I asked. For some reason, I wanted this whole dating app thing to be a secret. I knew she’d already agreed. But I needed to know for real.
“I promise. It can be our little secret. Now describe your ideal girl.”
“I don’t know. Hot. Nice.”
She laughed. “Hot and nice? Did you think I was going to set you up with a mean uggo?”
Honestly I had no idea who she was planning on setting me up with. Because it didn’t seem like she had any idea what she was doing.
“You know what, let’s circle back to that vague answer later. I need some of your hobbies and interests right now.” She started typing in the app. “And by hobbies, I mean things besides sleeping with random girls with huge boobs. Actually, now that I mention it, I do know your type.”
I laughed. “That’s not my type.”
“Then what is?”
“I already told you. Petite redheads.” I winked at her.
She grabbed a pillow and threw it at me. “You’re incorrigible.”
I easily caught the pillow before it smacked me in the face. I liked when she was feisty. “Hobbies, huh? Well…” my voice trailed off as I thought about it. “I like to work.”
She shook her head and typed something into her phone. “I need more than just what you do for work. Tell me something you do for fun. Other than being the best babysitter in town.”
I smiled. I was a pretty badass babysitter for her kids. Rob’s too. But I didn’t really know what else she wanted me to say. “I like to work out.”
“Work and work out? Do you have any hobbies that don’t involve the word ‘work’?”
“I’m the head coach for the Empire High football team. It’s a volunteer thing, so you can’t say that’s work.”
She lifted her head and stared at me. “How did I not know that?”
“You never asked.”
“You sit in our living room every Sunday watching the Giants. You never thought to mention you were a volunteer football coach at your old high school?”
I shrugged.
“Interesting.” She typed something into her phone. “That’s actually really good. I can work with that. Smile for me.”
“What?”
She snapped a picture of me with her phone with my mouth open in mid-question. She looked at the picture and smiled. “Perfect,” she said.
“Are you using that as my profile picture?”
“Yup, it’ll do.”
“Let me see it.” I reached out for the phone.
She laughed and pulled it away. “No, it’s fine, I
swear.”
I tried to reach around her, sandwiching her between me and the couch. “You’re sabotaging me.”
“I’m not sabotaging you!” she said with a laugh, trying to squirm away from me. She pushed on my chest to try to shove me away.
And for just a second, I let myself relish the fact that I was on top of her. On the couch. Just like I’d pictured countless times in my head. I could smell the scent of her floral shampoo. It swirled around me, drawing me closer. Her lips were only a few inches away from mine.
The front door clicked opened and I jumped off the couch. It was one thing to dream about kissing Penny. It was another to actually do it. Especially right in front of James. I could bench press more than him, but James had always been a good fighter. I wasn’t sure I’d win that fight.
But it wasn’t James coming through the front door.
“Uncle Matt! Uncle Matt!” Scarlett darted right past her mother and jumped into my arms.
“Hey, Scar.” I kissed the top of her head. “What have you been up to today?”
“Ellie took me and Liam to the zoo. And I got to watch the red pandas.”
She’d become obsessed with red pandas recently. I was pretty sure she liked that their fur was the same color as her hair.
“That sounds like fun. Did you get to feed any?”
Her jaw actually dropped. “I can feed them? I didn’t know that was allowed! Ellie, can I feed them next time?”
I glanced into the foyer to see Ellen lifting baby Liam out of the stroller. She was the most patient person I’d ever met. She didn’t even care that Scarlett called her Ellie instead of Ellen. She walked into the living room with Liam in her arms. And she shook her head at me, giving me a pointed glare. “Only Uncle Matt is allowed to feed them. Next time you go with him, he’ll let you.”
Oh shit. Ellen could dish it out too.
“Really?” Scarlett looked up at me with her big doe eyes.
“Sure.” I’d figure it out. Anything for her. I looked over at Penny. Anything for her too.
