by Ivy Smoak
“Mhm.” I really didn’t want to walk through those doors. I’d somehow avoided doing that very thing. I wasn’t the gym teacher, so there was no reason to go inside. I even bought all our practice equipment and donated a shed to keep it in. Thinking about walking into the school made my heart start to race.
“Where are all your kids?” I asked. If someone could put a smile on my face, it was Scarlett. Or Rob and Daphne’s daughter, Sophie. She was just as funny as her dad.
“Ellen’s watching them,” James said. “Great game.”
“Thanks.” I looked over to the school. “The side doors are unlocked if you guys want to head in. I have a few things to clean up.”
Mason grabbed Bee’s hand and guided her away from the stadium, like he couldn’t wait to get out of here. The school brought back more memories, though. He’d figure that out soon enough.
Penny gave me a small wave before James put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her away.
“I’m going to stay and help Matt clean up,” Daphne said. “You go ahead.”
Penny was easy to talk to and we always laughed together. Bee was encouraging. It was hard to leave a conversation with her without feeling motivated. And Daphne? It was like she could somehow sense pain from a mile away. She always wanted to help. And she was normally really good at it. But I think I was like a puzzle she couldn’t solve. Like she knew that I needed her, but I’d never tell her why.
Rob kissed her cheek. “Hey, wait up!” he called to the others as he ran after them.
I didn’t really have anything to pick up. There were no practice balls, and Jefferson hadn’t brought snacks again this week. Because they hadn’t been well received. Another thing to add to my list of recent failures. I busied myself by looking at my clipboard even though I had all the plays memorized.
“All the guys were quiet on the drive over here,” Daphne said.
I nodded but didn’t look up.
“I’ve looked at Rob’s old yearbook from senior year. He got Class Clown. And you got Most Likely to Succeed.”
I remembered trying to get out of taking pictures for the superlative. I didn’t want to be Most Likely to Succeed. It felt like a sick joke. Being nominated for something pertaining to my future was meaningless when my real future, the only future that mattered, had been cut short the second Brooklyn took her last breath.
“You were all popular. So why does Rob never talk about his time here? Why don’t any of you guys?”
I sighed. “Because high school sucks for everyone.”
She laughed. “For people like me. Not for people like you.”
Penny had said something similar to me the other day. And I hated when any of my friends’ wives said shit like that. “You’re one of us.” I’d never gotten a chance to make Brooklyn my wife. But Daphne got to marry Rob. Bee got to marry Mason. Penny got to marry James.
“You know what I mean. I was a nerd in school, Matt. I didn’t get any superlatives. But I still have good memories of high school. It’s like none of you do.”
That was a lie. Because for just a few months somewhere lost in those years…I’d had everything I’d ever wanted. Before it was taken away.
“I know Rob’s always joking around. But he worries about you.”
I froze, even though I wasn’t doing anything. He’d told her? My heart started racing even faster. He’d fucking told her?
Daphne held up her hands like she knew what conclusion I’d come to. “He didn’t want to come tonight. He never talks about Empire High. And I have no idea why. He just brushes it off. And I’ve asked James about it too. I know they both had a rough childhood. My mother-in-law has taken…some time to get used to.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that. Mrs. Hunter was the worst.
“But Rob and James always speak so highly of your parents. Your mom told me she felt like she helped raise the Hunter boys. So I don’t really get why you and Mason don’t like talking about your childhood. It sounded like it was really great.”
“It was great.” Besides for that one thing. That one momentous thing that haunted me every day. That one thing I’d never get over.
“So why does it seem like you’re scared to go into the school?”
“I’m not scared.”
She smiled. “Fine. Apprehensive.”
I took a deep breath. “There are just a lot of memories I don’t feel like reliving.”
“Okay.” She seemed to sense that she wasn’t going to get anything out of me. “But if you ever do want to relive them? I’m here, you know.”
I knew she was. And I stupidly felt my eyes water. I blinked fast and pretended to cough. Daphne understood loss better than anyone else I knew. She’d understand. She was someone that would be so easy to open up to. But if I told someone…they’d want to help me move on. I didn’t want to move on. That was the whole point. And no one would ever understand that.
I looked over at the school and sighed. I hadn’t stepped foot into Empire High ever since graduation. Maybe walking around would help. Somehow. There were really only two things that could happen. It could make me feel farther away from Brooklyn than ever before. But I already felt her loss every day. I was more scared of the other option. That it would make me feel closer to her. If I walked through those doors and felt her presence? I’d be more stuck than ever. I’d never get away from this fucking school.
Daphne looped her arm through mine. “Come on. You promised me a tour.” She said it with a weird British accent for some reason. Probably just to make me smile.
I laughed and let her guide us up the path to the school. I ignored the way my laugh died in my throat. And how I felt physically cold as I walked up toward the school.
Going back through those doors after Brooklyn had died was hell. For two and a half years I’d had to walk around those halls and pretend she’d never occupied them. Pretend I’d never kissed her against her locker. Or pulled her into an empty classroom. I could hear her laughter ringing in my ears.
If Daphne hadn’t been holding on to my arm, I would have turned around. But there was something comforting about not having to do this alone. I wasn’t trying to move on. I swear I wasn’t. But I needed those empty hallways to make Brooklyn slip farther away. Because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could breathe when the past felt so damn heavy. The weight of it on my chest felt stifling. At least, that’s what I told myself. Because the fact that I was slowly dying of a broken heart somehow felt worse.
Chapter 13
Friday
The hallways of Empire High looked exactly the same as they always had. Shiny floors, dark wood, posters about school spirit. It even smelled the same. I swallowed the lump in my throat.
I couldn’t really place the smell. It just reminded me of…being young. And alive. I closed my eyes. God, it reminded me of Brooklyn.
“You okay?” Daphne asked.
I opened my eyes and tried to focus on anything other than that damned smell. “I’m fine. We should catch up with the others.” The last thing I needed was for one of them to break something. I was already on thin ice with the principal.
Daphne was quiet as we made our way through the empty halls. Past classrooms I remembered joking around in with Rob. Past the chem lab where Rob and I had made something explode that definitely shouldn’t have. We’d kept finding beaker glass for weeks after that. For just a second I actually smiled. I’d only had one class with Brooklyn. But pretty much every single one with Rob. And I couldn’t deny that there weren’t good memories in this school.
We found the rest of our friends in the cafeteria.
“Remember when James broke this window?” Rob asked with a laugh.
My smile vanished. Yeah, I remembered.
“What did you break it with?” Bee asked. “A football or something?”
“His fist,” Rob said. He pretended to box with the window, throwing a punch dangerously close to the glass.
Penny turned to James. “
And why exactly did you punch a window?”
James pressed his lips together.
Rob didn’t seem to notice that he was opening old wounds. “He thought Matt had slept with his high school girlfriend. But Matt hadn’t done it. Or so he claims. No one knows for sure.”
“We know for sure,” I said. “I didn’t sleep with Rachel. It was just a kiss. And she was the one that threw herself at me.” But Isabella had gotten a picture of it. And then James had believed her over me. I still fucking hated James for not believing me over that witch. I hated him for making my life a living hell when I should have been focusing on my last days with Brooklyn.
Penny was staring at me, but then she looked back at James. “Why did you never tell me about all that?” she asked.
“Because it’s ancient history.” James put his hand protectively on her waist.
It wasn’t ancient history to me. My whole fucking life had stopped right here. And I was pretty sure they all knew it.
“It was crazy,” Rob said. “I took James’ side of course. And Mason took Matt’s side. It was an epic Hunter Caldwell feud.” He laughed. “God and homecoming? That was the craziest night.”
“I’m scared to ask, but what happened at homecoming?” Daphne asked.
“James retaliated by kissing Matt’s girlfriend. And then we all got into this huge fist fight. We almost got kicked out of school.”
Daphne shook her head.
“I can’t believe you did that,” Penny said to James. But she didn’t push him away from her for literally being the worst. She didn’t move at all. She let him keep his arm around her.
“I wasn’t in a good place,” he said.
Mason cleared his throat. “I wonder if the principal’s office looks the same.”
I knew he was trying to get our group to drop the subject and move along, but no one moved. I really wished Tanner had stuck around. He’d be able to ease the tension in some way.
“That’s awful,” Penny said. “What made you guys make up?”
Brooklyn’s death.
Rob finally closed his big mouth. He wasn’t going to say it. No one was going to say it.
But my fiancée had died. And they’d felt bad for making my life any shittier than it already was. They felt sorry for me. Not because they believed me. Not because they cared.
The cafeteria was filled with complete and utter silence. I looked over the tables. They were still organized the same way they were back then. The Untouchables’ table. And then the one that Brooklyn always sat at. Before we were an us. Before I stopped sitting at the stupid Untouchables’ table for good and joined her where I should have always been.
“Because we’re family,” James said. “You don’t turn your back on family.”
I looked over at him. You just stab your family in the back? I should have been over it. And maybe I would have been if things had gone down differently. If I had Brooklyn wrapped in my arms like they all had their wives in theirs? Yeah, maybe I would have been more forgiving then.
“Well, I’m glad you all made up,” Penny said. She looked over at the window that James had punched like she was lost in thought.
There wasn’t much to think about. She was married to an asshole.
“I actually need to go check on something,” I said. “I’ll be back.” I walked away before I had to add something to my lie. I didn’t need to look at anything. And I wouldn’t be back. I needed to get the fuck out of this school. But before I could reach the front doors, my feet seemed to guide me to the auditorium.
I looked over my shoulder, like I was scared someone was going to catch me going in. But no one was following me. I pushed the door in and let it close behind me with a thud, bathing me in darkness.
Brooklyn and I had kissed for the first time right here. She said I’d stolen the kiss. So I promised her I’d steal all her firsts.
I closed my eyes, trying to remember what it felt like to have her beside me. But all I felt was…cold.
First kiss. First time. First love. She’d died before I could make good on my promise of all her firsts. I was supposed to marry that girl. She was supposed to have my children. She was supposed to be my family. My whole world.
I put my hand down on one of the chairs. Why had I come in here? Just to torture myself? I closed my eyes even tighter. No. I wanted to remember. I wanted to remember what it was like to be happy. I needed to remember what it was like to be okay. Because I wasn’t fucking okay.
And if I closed my eyes tight enough, I could almost hear Brooklyn’s laughter. Almost feel her breath whispering in my ear.
I opened my eyes and saw the darkness all around me. All alone. Yeah, I really wasn’t fucking okay.
I heard the auditorium doors open. I turned to see Penny standing there. Her hip kept the door ajar and let the light stream in. “Did you find that thing you needed to check on?”
I nodded. I was surprised she’d come after me. We hadn’t spoken since Sunday. I figured I’d done something to upset her. And it was better if I just apologized so we could move on. “I’m sorry about Sunday,” I said.
“Why are you sorry? I’m the one that practically ran out of your house.” She laughed. “I should be the one apologizing to you.”
We were both silent for a few moments. I wanted to ask her why she’d run. But I didn’t want to push her.
She looked down at her shoes. “I know James wasn’t in the best headspace in high school.”
That was an understatement. Half the time he had been drunk or high off his mind.
“But…” her voice trailed off. “I also know he meant what he said about not turning your back on family. I can’t believe he kissed one of your old girlfriends.” She shook her head. “But he’s sorry. I can tell. You can’t tell me you’re still mad at him about that after all these years?” She cracked a smile.
She’d never understand. Because I’d never tell her. “I’m not still mad at him.” I didn’t even really know if it was a lie. No matter what, I was most mad at myself. I was the one that had let Brooklyn down. Not him.
Penny stared at me like she was waiting for me to add something. But I didn’t have anything to add.
“Don’t tell me you broke up with that girl because of what James did.”
“No.” I never broke up with Brooklyn. And she still owned my heart. I’d always be hers.
“Well that’s good.” Penny smiled.
She probably just thought that meant my high school girlfriend and I broke up for some other reason. It was an easy mistake to make. Because Brooklyn wasn’t standing beside me. It was the only reasonable conclusion to jump to. And God I wished it was true. That she was still alive. It would have killed me for her to be with someone else. But it would be a little easier to breathe knowing that she was breathing too.
“And speaking of girls…” said Penny. “You have a date tomorrow night.”
I blinked. “What?” The last thing I wanted to do was go on some stupid date with some woman who wasn’t Brooklyn. Not after tonight. Not ever. Penny wasn’t an idiot. She could tell I was hurting. But she was way off base for thinking this was going to help. “I’m not going on some random date.”
“Actually, you are. Because I already made a reservation under your name at Giordano’s.”
“Then cancel.”
“But I think she’s exactly what you’re looking for.”
“What does that even mean?” She had no idea what I was looking for. Because despite her asking repeatedly while swiping through random chicks for hours, I hadn’t ever answered her seriously.
“You told me what you wanted. I found her.”
I’d only joked about wanting Penny. No one else. I didn’t want any of this. “Penny…”
“I know. You’re welcome. You can thank me when you two hit it off.”
That was not at all what I was about to say.
“And before you ask any more questions, I’m not telling you anything about her. No stalk
ing her before the date and backing out. And she doesn’t know what you look like either, because I used that picture of the tea you swore you wanted for your profile.” She looked happier and happier as she talked. “It’s the perfect blind date. I swear I have a really good feeling about this. I just need you to trust me.”
Damn it. I did trust her. Which made my stomach churn. Because she probably found someone really great. Someone in another life that might have been a perfect match for me. But there was no way in hell it could work.
“She’ll meet you there at 8.”
I found myself nodding. I couldn’t say no to Penny. Not when she looked so happy.
“And what are you doing in here in the dark anyway? Come on, we’re all going out to celebrate your win.”
I was just exhausted. I didn’t want to go out drinking with my friends. But as I rejoined everyone in the hall, I realized maybe we all needed this.
Sixteen years ago, we’d ruled this school. We were all happy. We were fucking untouchable. And now? Rob was staring at me seriously and had abandoned his jokes. Mason looked like he literally wanted to run out of the school. And James was staring off in the distance, looking almost as depressed as me.
Coming here was like stepping into a time capsule. And yes, there were a lot of good memories at Empire High. But they were tainted with what had happened. And the secret I’d made them keep. They’d promised not to ever talk about Brooklyn again. Not until I was ready. And they’d kept their promise. They’d kept the secret from all their wives. And I was pretty sure it was eating away at them almost as much it was eating away at me.
And the worst part? Brooklyn would have hated seeing us like this. She would have wanted all of us to be happy. I took a deep breath. “The first round is on me.”
Chapter 14
Friday
I took another sip of my beer. I needed to talk to James in private. It was bad enough that I’d waited this long after Poppy’s threat. But now everyone was having so much fun. Even I was enjoying some of the stories about us in high school. I hated to break up the party when everyone was smiling and laughing so hard. And I was pretty sure Bee was more than tipsy. Which was hilarious because she always laughed at everything when she was drunk.
