by Ivy Smoak
Ash’s eyes grew round when she saw me. She slapped her phone off the counter instead of simply ending the call. Then for some reason she threw the sweatshirt on the ground like it was contraband. And then she yelped and put her hands directly onto her breasts to hide her bra.
I burst out laughing. I couldn’t help it.
For a second I thought she was going to cry. Or scream. Instead she started laughing too. “This is the worst date in the history of dates,” she said, half sobbing through her laughter.
I couldn’t deny that fact. “It’s not off to a great start.”
“God, what is wrong with me? I’m half naked in a public restroom. I should be arrested.”
“Your secret is safe with me. How about you put your sweatshirt back on and meet me back out there?”
She laughed again. “Are you serious? You’re not going to report me?”
“I’m not going to report you. But I might report this place for pests. Did you just see that centipede run under the sink?”
Ash screamed at the top of her lungs and threw herself at me. “Save me!”
She almost knocked me over, but I somehow managed to catch her without slipping on the tiled floor.
She was half naked and pressed against me. Her breasts practically shoved in my face and somehow my hands had wound up on her ass.
“Is it gone?!” she shrieked.
“Um.” I tried to tilt my head to see. “I don’t see him.” Although I was very distracted by her breasts in my face.
“He could be anywhere by now. Centipedes are at the very top of my list of greatest fears. Why do they have so many legs? No bug should need so many legs when four or six are plenty.”
I laughed. “It’s fine, Ash. I don’t think he’s coming back out.”
“Okay.” But she didn’t let go of me. If anything, she gripped my shoulders even tighter.
It had been a long time since someone had needed me like this. I swallowed hard and put her down before I did something stupid like kiss this maniac.
“I’m so sorry that this date is such a disaster,” she said. “There is literally no way to come back from this unless I drop to my knees right now.” Her eyes grew huge. “Which I’m not going to do. Because I don’t even know you. I don’t blow strangers in bathrooms. I swear. I’m not that kind of girl. Unless that’s something you…nope. Pretend I didn’t offer to do that. Oh my God please say something so I can stop talking!” She put her hand on her forehead.
And that’s when I noticed the engagement and wedding rings on her freaking ring finger. “You’re married?” I said. What in the hell was happening right now?
“No! I mean, yes. God.” She threw her hands up. “I’m separated from my asshole soon-to-be ex-husband. This is the first first-date I’ve been on since college. I’m a little out of practice. And a lot a bit of a walking disaster, okay? Happy?”
There was a knock on the door. “Is everything okay in there?” said a male voice. The door started to open and Ash threw her half naked self against it, blocking whoever was on the other side from coming in.
“I need some privacy!” she yelled.
“Are you okay, miss? I heard yelling…”
“Diarrhea!” she shouted and then cringed as she looked at me. “You better stay away for your own sake!”
“Um. Okay. If you need anything…”
“No, we’re good! I mean, I’m good. Because I’m all alone in here.”
“Alrighty then,” said the person on the other side of the door.
“I’m definitely going to prison,” she mumbled. “Do you think they have cameras in here?”
No. “I’m sorry, can we circle back real quick to what was happening before you yelled diarrhea at a complete stranger?”
She pressed her lips together.
“So you’re getting divorced soon?”
“The lawyers are working on it. We no longer live together. And we definitely no longer speak. Trust me, if I could speed the whole thing along I would. I fucking hate Joe Dickson with a fiery passion.”
“Joe Dickson?” She couldn’t possibly be talking about the same prick I went to high school with. “Cupcake Joe Dickson?”
She lowered her eyebrows. “I mean he sells cupcakes. But no one calls him Cupcake Joe Dickson. Wait, do you know Joe?”
“Does his dad own Dickson and Son’s Sugarcakes?”
“Joe owns it now.” She shook her head. “Please God, tell me you’re not friends with my ex? What the actual hell is this date?!”
I laughed. “No, I’m not friends with him. I hate that guy.”
She looked significantly calmer. “I hate that guy. So freaking much.”
I smiled. This poor girl had clearly been through enough crap if she’d been married to Cupcake. The least I could do was buy her dinner. “How about we go back out there and you can tell me all about what happened between you two?”
She laughed. “How have you not run away from this train wreck of a night yet?”
I shrugged. “I’m actually having a great time. I got to see you without a shirt and almost got head in a bathroom full of centipedes. Plus you said I was gorgeous multiple times, and I’m very flattered.”
Her face started to turn red again.
“I think you said, and I quote, that I’m the definition of perfection.”
“How long were you eavesdropping on me? You’re a horrible human.” She shook her head. “Am I drunk or something?”
“I don’t know.” Honestly, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she was.
“Well, I need to be. Stat.”
“Here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to put your sweatshirt back on. And I’m going to go back out there and order you some…”
“Wine. Any wine. I usually drink it out of a box so seriously just order the cheapest thing on the list.”
I laughed. “Okay, you got it. See you in a few.”
“Nice to meet you!” screeched the phone.
“Damn it, Chastity” Ash said and lifted it up off the floor. “Why is everyone eavesdropping tonight?”
“You didn’t hang up. I thought I was supposed to stay on the phone in case he was a murderer or something. Are you a murderer?” yelled her friend to me.
“Um. No,” I said.
“That honestly wasn’t very convincing,” Ash said.
I shook my head. “I promise I’m not. I’ll let you two finish up…” I waved my hand around the bathroom. Gossiping? Getting dressed? Screaming about centipedes? I honestly had no idea what I’d just witnessed.
Ash gave me a small smile as I left.
I figured there was a good chance she’d still climb out the bathroom window and run away. But if she didn’t? I really needed to hear about how the hell she’d married an asshole like Joe Dickson.
I went back to the table and sat down. The waiter came over and I ordered a bottle of white that wasn’t the cheapest one on the list, because I actually could be a nice guy. And I went ahead and ordered us some food too. Because I was starving. And she’d told me to order something a normal person would eat. I could handle that request.
A few minutes later, there was a glass of wine but still no Ash.
I glanced towards the bathroom. Her sweatshirt had seemed mostly dry. Maybe she was still trying to get advice from her friend. This had to be the craziest date I’d ever been on. I was almost positive that Ash was nuts. But I actually was having fun. Or else I would have walked out already. I needed to hear her whole story. Plus it would be great to relay this whole disaster to Penny. The more details the better.
Several minutes later Ash sat down across from me fully clothed again. “I really wish I could say that I was drunk right now, but I am decidedly not. Give me a few minutes and we can pretend I was drunk the whole time.” She took a huge sip from her glass of wine. Then shimmied her shoulders slightly and took a deep breath. “Okay. Try two. Sorry about that,” she said very seriously. “Now, where were we?”
I just blinked. “You were telling me about your husband.”
“Soon-to-be ex-husband.”
“Right. Whatever possessed you to marry a guy like Joe?”
She sighed and took another sip of wine. “It’s a long story.”
“I have some time.”
“You are so weird,” she said.
“Me?” I raised my eyebrows. She had to be kidding me right now.
“Yeah. What are you still doing here? I basically just sexually assaulted you in the bathroom. I should have been arrested ten minutes ago. I was waiting for the cops in there…”
“I told you I wasn’t going to report you.”
“Oh.” She nodded. “I thought that maybe you were joking.”
I shook my head. Honestly I’d just found the whole scene hilarious. I would never call the cops on her.
“Well, in that case…can we just start over and pretend the last few minutes didn’t happen? Let’s pretend I just walked in and sat down. And pretend I’m wearing a nice dress too. Use your imagination.” She cleared her threat. “Hi. I’m Ash.” She offered me her hand.
At least the pit stains on her sweatshirt were gone. I reached out my hand and shook hers. “Nice to meet you. I’m Matt.”
Her smile was so big that I couldn’t help but smile too.
“So, Matt. Tell me all about yourself.”
I really wanted to talk about Joe instead. But it wouldn’t hurt to play along. I had all night.
Chapter 17
Saturday
It sounded like Cupcake hadn’t changed at all. And the innocent, yet slightly crazy, woman in front of me definitely deserved better. She’d told me the whole story of how they met and how he’d proposed. But never in her story had she said she was in love. Because it was Cupcake. How could she be? “So you married him?” I asked and shook my head.
“What was I supposed to say? No?” She tore off a piece of the complimentary bread and dipped it into the olive oil. Her eyes lit up when she took a bite and she immediately tore off another piece.
“Yes. That’s exactly what you were supposed to say.”
Ash laughed as she finished her second glass of wine and her second roll. “In hindsight, I really wish I had. But he was my first boyfriend and I used to suffer from a severe lack of self-confidence.” She seemed to sit up a little straighter to prove that was no longer the case.
But I wasn’t so sure. Most self-assured women didn’t get naked in a public restroom and offer to blow a stranger a few minutes after meeting them. I wasn’t complaining though. Ash was freaking hilarious. I was having a really great night. Just not in the way that Penny had hoped. Ash and I could be really great friends. But…nothing more. And I was pretty sure she felt the same way. Our conversation flowed easily. But there wasn’t any sexual chemistry. I was simply curious about her.
She laughed. “Matt, I take back what I said earlier, you’re an amazing human.”
“Hmm?”
She gestured to the waiter who was carrying over two trays filled to the brim. “You ordered food for me.”
“Yeah, you were taking forever in the bathroom.”
She put her hands up to her ears. “Stop. No, that didn’t happen. We started over, remember?”
I laughed and grabbed her hands, lowering them from her ears. Her eyes locked with mine for a beat. A piece of me wanted to feel some kind of spark. Some draw to her. I felt nothing. I immediately let go of her so that the waiter could serve us our dinner.
“I love when people order food for me,” Ash said as the waiter walked away. “But what the heck is all this?”
“You never told me what you wanted. And you said to just order something a normal person would like. So I ordered a whole bunch of stuff a normal person might like.”
She looked around at all the food that had just been put down on our table. Plate after plate after plate. She abandoned the free bread, reached toward the middle, and grabbed a chicken finger from what I was pretty sure was a kid’s meal. “I think this is the best date of my life.”
I raised my eyebrows.
She held up her hand with a laugh. “Don’t freak out. I know this terrible date has been one for the books. But this food?” She groaned. “So freaking good. I could get lost knee deep in a basket of these chicken fingers.”
I laughed. She was adorable like I’d assessed earlier. And also smart and funny. And pretty. But…she wasn’t Brooklyn. I wanted to feel something. I really did. But I just…didn’t. I was very aware of the fact that my heart had stopped working years ago. I never seemed to feel anything. “So what happened between you and Joe? How did it go from sort of happy to divorce?”
Ash picked up a French fry. “Sort of happy.” She sighed. “That’s the funniest part. I thought I was happy. But looking back? And hearing my friends’ analysis of him. And yours? I don’t know what I ever saw in him. I just want to be loved, you know?”
I pressed my lips together. Yeah, I knew.
“I don’t need to go into specifics about how our relationship imploded. The gist is, Joe cheated on me with an Instamodel. And even though I totally fixed his family business for him and made us a small fortune in the process, he’s trying to leave me with nothing.”
“Have you hired a good lawyer?”
“Yes but there are…extenuating circumstances.” Ash cleared her throat and took another sip of wine. A big, healthy sip that had her reaching for the bottle for a refill.
That was a very weird answer. But honestly, half the stuff that came out of her mouth was weird. Before I could ask what she meant by extenuating circumstances, she changed the topic.
“So how do you know Joe exactly? I’ve just been blabbering on and on about him. But I’m so curious about how a guy like you could possibly be an acquaintance of Joe’s.”
“I went to high school with him.”
“And what was my ex like in high school?”
“A complete asshole, much like he seems to be now. He was hellbent on causing chaos and backstabbing everyone at every turn.”
“That sounds about right.” She paused as she took another bite of a chicken finger. “Something about the fact that I might be the first person he’s ever cheated on… makes me feel terrible. Somehow I want to be one of many? If that makes any sense. I’ve always wanted to ask someone that knew him. Was he always a cheater? I hear that phrase a lot. Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
“I have no idea.”
“Oh.” She looked down at her chicken finger as she doused it with ketchup.
“But any guy that cheated on you is an idiot, Ash.”
I could see her smile even though she was still concentrating on covering her chicken finger with way too much ketchup.
“If it makes you feel any better, Joe sold drugs and even planted some in my friend’s locker to get him arrested.” I wondered what had happened to Felix. I hadn’t heard from him in years. “Joe was a piece of work.”
“He sold drugs? Are you serious?”
“Yeah, he put them in the cupcakes.”
Her jaw literally dropped. “You don’t think he still…” her voice died away and she shook her head. “He couldn’t be. I oversaw the production.” But she didn’t look entirely convinced.
“Well, you don’t have to worry about it now,” I said. “If he’s still selling, it’s on his hands. Not yours.”
“You’re right. And Joe would not do well in prison. I doubt a prison commissary would sell the fancy hand moisturizer he insists on using. It costs more than my shoes.”
I laughed.
“But his hands are very soft.” She pretended to gag.
I laughed. “So why do you still wear the rings if you’re divorcing that soft-handed prick?”
Ash looked down at her left hand. “I don’t know. Because taking them off means starting over? And I’m too old to start over.”
I didn’t know how old she was. But she looked like she was still in her twenties. If she was t
oo old to start over, then I was doomed. Not that I wanted to start over anyway.
She pulled a plate of lasagna in front of her. “Can I ask you a question?”
I nodded. I didn’t really want to talk about me. Honestly making fun of Cupcake all night sounded a lot better. I looked at the plates and grabbed some ravioli.
“I’ve been dying to know all night. And I don’t want to make you feel weird or anything. But I can’t stand it anymore. Why is your hand blue?”
I looked down at the paint on the back of my hand. And I panicked and said the first thing that popped into my head. “It’s not.”
She laughed. “Um…yes it is. It’s bright blue. Like you dipped it into a bucket of paint or something.”
I shoved a ravioli in my mouth to stall and tried not to choke on it. I took a huge gulp of water. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
She nodded knowingly. “Oh. I get it. Is it like…some kind of kinky sex thing?”
“What? No.” I looked at my hand. She wasn’t accusing me of being a freak and painting my dead fiancée. And she didn’t know any of my friends. This would in no way result in me being locked up in a loony bin. I wasn’t sure why my first instinct was to lie. But I didn’t need to lie to this girl. “I was painting earlier. I paint portraits.”
“You’re an artist? Wow. That’s so incredible. It’s so hard to make it in the arts these days.”
I laughed. “No. I’m not an artist. I’m the CEO of the city’s largest financial firm. Painting is a hobby.”
Her fork clattered against her plate. “Oh my God. You’re…you’re…”
I could see the moment of recognition before she even said my name. And it felt like the end of the night had come. One of the only reasons I’d put up with this crazy night was because she didn’t know who I was.
“You’re Matthew Caldwell? The CEO of MAC International?”
“Yup.” I tried to finish up my raviolis. As much as I wanted to get the hell out of this restaurant, I was still hungry.
“So you’re friends with James Hunter?” She gasped. “And Penny Hunter? I seriously idolize her. I want to be her when I grow up. I mean, she’s only a few years older than me. But she’s a redhead from Delaware. I’m so much like her and yet she married James Hunter and I married Joe Dickson. Such a different terrible life choice.”
