by Ivy Smoak
“She shows up at your games sometimes right?” Tanner asked.
“Yeah. I think she was even at my practice today. I saw her SUV hightailing it out of the parking lot this afternoon.”
“Perfect. You get the cameras tomorrow by seducing Penny. And I’ll come to your practice on Wednesday for surveillance. Maybe we can even corner her right away and just get it over with. And don’t worry, I’ll wear a disguise so that no one is the wiser. Now let’s go eat that lobster before it turns.”
“It’s been sitting in the car for a while. Maybe we should skip the spoiled seafood and just grab some drinks.”
“You can’t toss lobster! It’s a delicacy now. It’ll be fine. Come on, we’ll go back to my place so we can reheat it and wet your whistle.”
I internally groaned. Tanner had an awesome place. But his houseboy always made me feel wildly uncomfortable.
Chapter 23
Tuesday
The sound of bells made me cringe. I wasn’t sure if it was my pounding headache that was making me hallucinate them…or if there was actually something ringing.
Ring.
I definitely wasn’t imagining it. It sounded like a shit ton of bells. Where the hell was I, at the symphony? I rolled over and reached out, my fingers colliding with the softest sheets I’d ever felt. Definitely not the symphony. I blinked my eyes open to see a short little man looking at sheet music, holding a gold bell in each hand.
He lifted one of his arms. Ring.
I screamed.
He screamed and dropped the bells. “I’m sorry, Mr. Caldwell,” the man said in a British accent. “Master Tanner said you wanted to wake up to a chorus of bells. I didn’t have much time to practice.”
It took me a second to recognize the little man as Nigel, Tanner’s houseboy. I hadn’t recognized him because today he was dressed in some weird lederhosen. All the other times I had been here he’d always been outfitted in a strange Victorian era butler outfit. Tanner said it was his uniform. I wondered why the sudden change since all the outfits made zero sense anyway.
During the awkward stretch of silence, Nigel looked down at my lap.
I followed his gaze to see what he was staring at. What the actual fuck? “Why am I naked?!” I grabbed the sheets and pulled them to my chest like he hadn’t just seen my morning wood.
“Master Tanner said you liked to sleep that way. It appears as though he was correct.” He raised his eyebrows and had a silly little grin on his face.
“So you stripped me?!”
He nodded. “Yes, Mr. Caldwell.”
“What is wrong with you? Get out!”
“But Master Tanner…”
“I don’t care what Tanner said. I don’t want to be stripped. And the last thing I need right now is to be played a chorus of bells.”
“It’s actually a very peaceful way to awake from one’s slumber.”
“Nigel. Out.”
He gave me a little bow and scurried out the bedroom door.
I rubbed my forehead. Fuck. How much had I had to drink last night? It felt like there was a freight train careening around in my head.
There was a knock on the door and Nigel poked his head back in. “Sorry to bother you, but breakfast is being served in 15 minutes and Master Tanner wanted to extend you an invitation.”
I just glared at him.
“Your clothes are also freshly pressed and hanging in the closet.”
I looked over at the open closet doors. Even my socks were hung up. I was pretty sure he’d ironed them too.
“Would you like me to draw you a bath?”
“I think I can manage, Nigel.”
He nodded. “I’ll come check on you in a few minutes.”
“Please don’t.”
“Just in case there’s anything else you need. You never know when something will come up. See you shortly.” He closed the door.
Why did it seem like Nigel just wanted to see me naked again? I’d grown up with a staff, but none of them were as weird as Nigel. Where had Tanner found this guy?
I pushed the sheets off of me and practically ran to the bathroom. I showered as fast as I could and somehow managed to have a towel wrapped around my waist before Nigel came into the guest bathroom.
“Ah, you’re finished.” He sounded disappointed. “Shall I help you into your little outfit?”
Had he seriously just called my expensive suit a little outfit when he was dressed in what had to be costume lederhosen? “No, I’m good.”
“It’s no trouble, Mr. Caldwell.”
“I swear to God.” I took a deep breath, which somehow made my headache worse. “I just need a minute.”
He did a weird little bow and hurried out of the room.
I quickly changed before Nigel could get a dick pic or whatever the hell he was after. I wandered out into the hall. Just like every time I’d been here before, there were white sheets covering most of the furniture and there were even some cloths draped over what I assumed were paintings on the walls. If the décor wasn’t all so modern, it would have seemed like I was walking around in a haunted house.
Tanner had been renovating the place for years. Which was crazy because I’d completely renovated a whole house in less time. Although, this place may have had just as much square footage as my house. I walked by one of the many doors in the hall. Maybe this penthouse was even bigger than my place, because I’d just taken yet another turn in the hallway and I still hadn’t found the great room. Huh.
I looked over my shoulder to make sure that I was alone and reached out to grab one of the doorknobs so I could see just how much space Tanner had here. All I saw was a blinding white light before Nigel came out of nowhere and slammed the door closed.
He seemed completely out of breath like he’d just sprinted over to stop me. “Mr. Caldwell, you mustn’t go in there. Are you trying to get burned?”
What? “Burned?”
Nigel’s eyes bulged. “Snoopers get burned by fire. Lit up like a spark. As the old saying goes.”
Nigel’s sayings were as strange as Tanner’s. I laughed. “I was just trying to get a read on the square footage of this place.”
“It depends on the day. Now if you please, sir, the dining room is right this way.” He gestured down the hall.
“What do you mean it depends on the day?”
“Expansions.”
Was he high? I looked down at him as we made our way through the impossibly long hallway. We were on the 89th floor. The top floor of One57. Logistically it would be really hard to expand this property. And why did Tanner even need to expand? He hadn’t even properly moved in yet.
We were almost at the dining room when I had to sidestep a white sheet that was blanketing something tall and wide. Was it a tree or something? How the heck did Tanner even get something so large up here?
I reached out to push the fabric aside and Nigel slapped my hand.
“Ow.” I pulled my hand away from the cloth.
“Off-limits,” Nigel said. “Now please, Mr. Caldwell, go eat before you accidentally catch fire.”
“Nigel, I just…”
“Master Tanner, your guest has arrived for breakfast,” Nigel said super loudly.
Normally I’d be distracted by the amazing view of Central Park from Tanner’s open floor plan. But it was rather hard to look at the view when Tanner was sitting at the far end of a long dining room table being fed grapes by two topless women. His silk robe didn’t look like it had been closed properly and I wouldn’t have been at all surprised if one of those women had just had something other than a grape in her mouth.
One of them giggled as she plopped another grape in Tanner’s mouth.
It honestly wasn’t the strangest thing I’d ever walked in on Tanner doing. It didn’t even make the top ten list. I was just surprised the women weren’t decked out in weird lederhosen like Nigel.
“Good morning, Matt,” Tanner said. “Did you sleep alright?” The stupid grin on his fac
e made me think that Tanner probably had a hand in Nigel’s antics this morning. The blonde to his left ceremoniously plopped another grape into his mouth.
“That depends on if you think waking up to a terrible chorus of bells and finding out a houseboy stripped you in the middle of the night…”
Tanner started laughing. “I thought you’d find that funny.”
“My headache begs to differ.”
“Well, I didn’t give him much time to practice.” He turned to his houseboy. “Good heavens, Nigel, what are you wearing?”
Nigel looked down at his ridiculous costume. “I’m wearing what I always wear. Just like you insisted last night when you and Mr. Caldwell got lost in the wine cellar.”
“No, you’re supposed to wear the other costume when Matt…” Tanner’s voice trailed off.
Nigel and Tanner both looked like they’d been caught in some weird lie.
“How many costumes does he have?” I asked.
Tanner cleared his throat. “Just that one. Like Nigel said. He’s always wearing that.”
“No, he’s usually wearing that weird Victorian butler outfit…”
“Nonsense,” Tanner said. “Nigel always wears lederhosen. Don’t you Nigel?”
“Why, yes, Master Tanner. These are my favorite…pant. Pants? Shorts? I don’t really know what this is. And it’s rather itchy.”
“That’s quite enough, Nigel. Please leave us to eat.”
Nigel hurried off.
“And girls, would you wait for me in my room?” Tanner said. “I need a word with Matt in private before he goes to work.” He whispered something in one of their ears as he slapped the other girl on the butt. They both giggled and went off down the hall I’d just come from.
Tanner stabbed his fork into some strange looking sausage. “Help yourself to whatever you’d like.”
I looked at the huge spread of food on the table. Did he have ten more women waiting for him in his bedroom? Because this was way too much for just the two of us. But there were only two chairs. The one where Tanner was sitting at the other end of the table and the one at this end which I assumed was for me. Why were we so spread out? We were going to have to shout at each other.
“Sit, sit,” Tanner said. “I’ve been cooking all morning.”
“You made all this?”
Tanner laughed. “Gotcha. No. Of course not. Nigel’s been up for hours. He insisted that he knew all your favorites and wanted to cater to you.”
How on earth would Nigel know all my favorites? And why did this weird little man seem hellbent on catering to me?
“He even made protein pancakes.” Tanner pointed to a plate full of them.
I did love protein pancakes. I grabbed a plate and started to fill it up.
“And make sure to drink that green juice. It has a few secret ingredients to cure hangovers. Nigel’s top-secret elixir.”
I couldn’t argue with that. I grabbed one of the glasses of green juice too and sat down. One bite of pancakes and I was a little less pissed at Nigel. These were amazing. “You’ll have to let Nigel know these are great. What kind of plant protein is this?”
“I’m not sure, I’ll have to ask him. But he’ll be happy to hear that you enjoyed them. Speaking of Nigel. About his uniform. Forgive him, he’s forgetful.”
“Or maybe you are. He’s definitely never worn that before.”
“Of course he has. Because it’s what he always wears. Regardless, are you excited to execute the plan?”
“The plan?” Honestly, I’d had too much to drink last night. Nigel had said something about getting lost in Tanner’s wine cellar. Had we drank our way out of it? And how did he have a wine cellar? There were no basements in penthouses.
“Yes, the plan.” Tanner abandoned his sausage and stood up. He pulled a cloth off a whiteboard that was filled with pictures and yarn connecting them and I was pretty sure there were even words in a different language linking everything together. Chinese maybe?
I opened my mouth and then closed it again. “What the hell is all this?”
“Our plan to take down Richard of course. We spent all night on it.”
“Did we? Could you maybe just explain what it means to me? I can’t read whatever that is.”
“Oh it says…” Tanner started coughing. “I mean. Huh. I don’t know. What language is that? Maybe Nigel came in here and messed with it. I’m pretty sure he speaks whatever tongue that is. That sneaky little bastard. I told him to stop touching my things. Let’s circle back to this tonight.” He quickly covered the weird diagram back up.
“I can’t tonight. I have dinner plans with Penny, remember?”
“Right, I mean after that.”
“I have a feeling this headache isn’t going away any time soon. I’m just going to call it an early night after hanging out with Penny.”
“Right. Here.”
“No, at my house.”
“Matt, we talked about this last night. You’ll be staying here until this nonsense with Richard is sorted. Sleeping at your own home is like being asked to be murdered by a hitwoman. Trust me, this is for the best.”
“I can’t stay here…”
“Of course you can. It’s no bother. And Nigel rather likes when you’re around.”
I looked around to make sure Nigel wasn’t nearby. “Yeah, about that. Why the heck won’t he leave me alone?”
“You’re engaging with him too much. He’s a houseboy, not a friend. Just think of him like a piece of furniture. He’s there to assist when needed but invisible when not.”
“But he keeps talking to me. And trying to see me naked.”
Tanner laughed. “No, no. The stripping you thing was a prank I was playing on you. I just made him do it.”
I sighed. “That doesn’t explain him wanting to draw me a bath.”
“Were you planning on standing there nude while he did it? That’s not appropriate.”
Oh. Well. No. “Well, what about him offering to help dress me?”
“Did he do that?”
“Yeah.”
“Surely he meant for you to put on your underwear first.”
“I don’t know, he was staring at my penis earlier.”
“Why did you have your penis out in front of Nigel?”
“Because you told him to strip me last night!”
“Oh right.” Tanner laughed. “Hilarious. Well, please stop flashing the staff, will you?”
“Tanner…”
“I’m joking. I’ll speak to Nigel on your behalf and tell him you’re uncomfortable…”
“Don’t tell him I complained.” Nigel was already awkward enough around me. I didn’t need awkward angry Nigel.
“Then what am I supposed to say to rectify the situation? He doesn’t dress me and I rarely require him to draw a bath. As soon as I mention the situation he’ll know it’s about you.”
“Just don’t say anything then.”
“Very well.” Tanner glanced at his watch. “You should get going or you’ll be late for work. Do you want a bag lunch? Nigel mentioned packing one up for you.”
“I’m okay.”
“Well make sure to eat lunch. You need to make sure you’re alert just in case someone tries to murder you.” Tanner loaded up a plate and stood up. A biscuit fell off the top of the plate and rolled on the polished hardwood floors.
“Aren’t you going to work too?” I asked.
“I have company to attend to. Now don’t forget to drink that juice before you head out. Trust me. It’ll make your headache evaporate in a flash. I’ll see you tonight.” He disappeared down the hall with his big plate of food.
I stood up and took a quick sip of the green juice, expecting it to be bitter and gross like green juice usually was. But it was actually delicious. It tasted just like a strawberry banana smoothie. I wondered if those were the two secret ingredients. If they were, my headache wouldn’t be gone in a flash like promised. I quickly downed the rest. Before I even put the
glass down I took a deep breath. What the hell? I touched my forehead. My headache was gone. I blinked. Actually, I felt amazing. Like I’d just slept for days instead of a few hours. I eyed the glass. I was going to need that recipe. But not if it involved asking Nigel for it. Who knows what kind of favor he’d ask for in return.
I was about to leave the great room when a large cloth draped over something above the fireplace caught my eye. I double checked that no one was around and pushed the cloth to the side. Beneath the fabric was a portrait of Tanner in a weird Victorian outfit, similar to what he most definitely usually made Nigel wear. Someone loved history a little too much if you asked me. I looked around the room and wondered how much of the covered wall art featured Tanner playing dress up. I let the cloth fall back in place and made my way past the kitchen.
I stopped when I noticed a brown paper bag sitting on the counter with my name on it. Well, I guess if Nigel had already made me a lunch it would just be rude not to take it. I grabbed the bag and headed out the front door.
Nigel was hanging off the side of the weird little footbridge that went from the elevator to Tanner’s apartment door. Nigel had a staple gun and was stapling a tarp over top of the water. He grunted as he tried to maneuver without falling in.
“What are you doing, Nigel?”
“Hiding the…” Nigel started coughing. “Nothing. What are you doing, Mr. Caldwell?” He placed one more staple and then slid back safely onto the bridge. He was completely out of breath, but he quickly wiped off his lederhosen and stood up with a bow.
“Heading to work.” I lifted up the bag lunch.
“Good, good. I’m glad you found your lunch. Please don’t look down.”
“Nigel, I’ve been here before. I know Tanner somehow has water under this bridge.”
“Right. Of course. Just normal everyday water and nothing more. See you tonight, Mr. Caldwell. I’ll have a bath and a snifter of cognac waiting for you upon your arrival.”
If that wasn’t the weirdest sentence I’d ever heard. “That won’t be necessary, Nigel.”
