by Ivy Smoak
“What do you mean you stopped?”
“You asked me what my last serious relationship was. That was it.”
I just stared at her. “With Cupcake?”
She closed her eyes. “He broke me, Matt.” Her voice trembled.
I didn’t want her to be sad. Wasn’t I sad enough for the both of us? “Only if you let him.”
She laughed, even though it was forced. “Right. Sorry.” She wiped at her eyes even though I hadn’t seen a tear actually fall. “We need to pick a movie. And eat French fries and ice cream.” She grabbed the remote.
“I don’t want to do any of those things,” I said.
“But it’s forbidden chocolate.”
“I don’t like forbidden chocolate.”
She looked at me instead of turning on the TV. “Right, you don’t.” She scrunched her mouth to the side like she was trying to remember what I’d liked in high school.
But I wasn’t talking about ice cream right now.
“What flavor do you prefer?”
My gaze dropped to her lips. “You.” The word just tumbled out of me. I couldn’t lie to her about why I was here. It wasn’t for food or a movie. It was to be with her. She was the only person who understood what I’d been through. And she’d just admitted it. She was as broken as me. And in some weird, twisted way, it felt like she’d been waiting all this time for me. Cupcake had been her last serious relationship. She’d never been mine back then. But we were tied together. We were both stuck. Why not be stuck together?
“I’m not an ice cream flavor,” she said, her voice barely a whisper.
I moved slowly, worried she’d shove me away. But somehow moving slowly toward her, over top of her, just made the heat even more palpable. It was like my whole body was on fire. And not in an Ash accident kind of way. I was hovering over her, my lips a fraction of an inch away from hers, when she broke the silence.
“You’ll regret kissing me in the morning.”
“Who said I was going to kiss you?”
She laughed. “Matt…”
I grabbed the side of her face. “Fine. Yeah, I’m going to kiss you.”
There were tears in her eyes now. “You can’t, Matt. We need to pick a movie and eat ice cream before it melts.” But she didn’t push me away.
I dropped my forehead to hers. “I just need to know if you feel this too.”
The sound of her light breathing was speeding up. “Matt, you’re drunk.”
“I’m not that drunk.” I pulled back ever so slightly and traced my thumb along one of her tears. “Why are you crying?”
“Because I’m not her.” Kennedy’s voice cracked. “I’ll never be her.”
“You’re real. You’re here. I can touch you.” I let my hand wander down the side of her neck. “I can taste you.” I felt tears forming in my eyes too. “I’m so sick of chasing a ghost, Kennedy. I don’t want to be stuck anymore. I want you.”
“But you still love her.”
I nodded. I knew what she was getting at. And maybe she was right. But what if she was wrong? “I don’t know if I can ever love someone else.” Why the hell did I say that?!
“Matt.” Her tears fell freely from her eyes now, cascading down her chin.
It felt like I was crying too. But I didn’t think I was. It was like I could feel her tears. Like they were somehow mine. “I’m not okay, Kennedy. I’m really fucking not okay.”
She didn’t say anything.
“But I feel less shitty when I’m with you.”
“I know.” She reached up and ran her fingers gently through my hair. “I feel a lot less shitty when you’re here too. But there’s a 50-50 chance you won’t remember any of this in the morning.”
There was no fucking way I wouldn’t remember kissing this girl.
“And I don’t gamble with my heart anymore,” she added. “I can’t.”
Is that what I was asking her to do? Fuck. It was. I was asking her to take a chance when I just told her I wasn’t sure if I could ever love someone else. And just like that, it wasn’t as easy to breathe again.
“Can we maybe just…” her voice trailed off. “Can we just watch the movie? And if you remember any of this in the morning, maybe we can talk about this more then?”
I wiped away the remaining tears from her cheeks, hating that I’d caused them. “Okay.” Instead of sitting back up though, I lay down behind her, pulling her against my chest. Because if I couldn’t kiss her, I could at least hold her. I needed this. I needed to be next to her.
A very contented sigh escaped her lips.
“Just for the record, I’m not that drunk,” I said from behind her.
She laughed, not caring when my arms tightened around her. “You are. I don’t even think you’d be here right now if you weren’t.”
That wasn’t true. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. And I had to prove that to her. “I’m going to remember to bring this up in the morning.”
“We’ll see about that.” She turned on a movie. I wasn’t sure which one, because I was staring down at the top of her head. And I was hit again with how much she smelled like…home.
She’d said Cupcake had broken her. I didn’t think that was true. But if it was, I was going to be the one to piece her back together. I kissed the top of her head.
“Matt, watch the movie,” she whispered.
I kissed the top of her head again. “Okay.”
“Okay then.”
I continued to stare at the back of her perfect head. I’d been focused on my own problems for long enough. Fixing hers sounded like a better use of time. Besides, maybe it would fix both of us. I really wanted it to fix both of us. I closed my eyes.
Despite what she thought, I would never gamble with her heart. Because I knew how easy hearts were to break.
Chapter 32
Thursday
The sound of someone clearing their throat made me slowly open my eyes.
Mrs. Alcaraz was standing there with her hand on her hip staring down at Kennedy and me intertwined on the couch. She was shaking her head back and forth like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.
Shit.
“Mama,” Kennedy groaned, stirring in her sleep. “One more minute.”
Mrs. Alcaraz raised her eyebrow at me. “Omelet?”
Was she asking me if I wanted breakfast or did that mean something in Spanish like…I’m going to kill you for sleeping with my daughter? “Yes?” I replied.
“Sí.” She turned away without another word and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Kennedy,” I whispered and shook her shoulder.
Her eyes flew open and then she smiled. “Whenever I wake up and you’re there it nearly gives me a heart attack.”
Very funny. “Um, your mom is up.”
Kennedy quickly sat up. “Good morning, Mama.”
“Mhm,” Mrs. Alcaraz said. She was already at the stove cooking.
Kennedy put her face in her hands. “Well, that’s embarrassing,” she whispered to me. “She probably thinks we’re sleeping together.” She laughed like that was hilarious.
It wasn’t funny to me. I pulled her hands away from her face. “Is that really that funny?”
“Are you still drunk?” She climbed off the couch. “I need to go freshen up. Make yourself at home.”
“Don’t leave me here…”
But she was already hurrying toward the bathroom.
This was probably the most awkward morning after ever. Especially because we hadn’t even kissed, let alone had sex. And honestly, I never did mornings after. Normally I would have been long gone…shit. I pulled out my phone. Dozens of missed calls from Tanner. He was going to kill me for staying out all night again. I wasn’t used to having a stupid curfew.
“Sit, sit,” Mrs. Alcaraz said before I could figure out what to do.
I didn’t want to tell her no. And maybe this could help me clear up whatever she thought. “We just fell asleep watching a movie,
Mrs. Alcaraz.”
She tilted her pan, sliding the omelet perfectly onto a plate, and then handed it to me.
“Thank you.”
For a second we both just stared at each other.
Mrs. Alcaraz sighed and then reached out, putting her hands on both sides of my face. “Mi amor.” She shook her head back and forth. “She just came back home to me. Por favor. Don’t break my Kennedy’s heart and send her running.”
“I won’t.”
“Bueno.” She patted my cheek before letting her hands fall. “Now eat. It’s getting cold.”
Kennedy reemerged in a dress that accentuated her long legs. And those worn boots looked perfect on her. “I’m running late,” she said. “I’ll have to skip breakfast this morning.”
“Nonsense.” Mrs. Alcaraz slid an omelet onto a plate for Kennedy. “You eat your breakfast.”
Kennedy made a funny face at me, then grabbed her plate and sat down. She started eating as quickly as possible. That seemed like the go-ahead on mine. I took one bite and it was so spicy that I could feel my throat closing up. I’d eaten here dozens of times when I was in high school. And never had Mrs. Alcaraz tried to kill me. I started coughing into my hand.
Mrs. Alcaraz laughed at the stove.
“Mama, did you put extra spices in his?” Kennedy scolded and grabbed a container of milk out of the fridge. She poured me a glass and handed it to me. “Drink that.” She turned back to her mom as I downed half the glass. “It was my fault. We fell asleep watching a movie. Nothing happened.”
“No boys sleep over,” Mrs. Alcaraz said.
“It wasn’t a sleepover. It was an accident. And it was my fault.”
Sweet hell. What was in that omelet? A whole cayenne pepper? I downed half the glass of milk.
“No boys,” Mrs. Alcaraz said.
Kennedy sighed. “Yes, Mama.”
“I’m so sorry,” Kennedy said to me. “You okay?”
I finished the milk and nodded. “Yes,” I croaked.
Kennedy laughed.
“It’s not funny.”
“It’s a little funny.” She couldn’t even hide her smile.
Which made me smile too.
“Here.” She swapped plates with me and devoured the rest of my poisoned omelet in record time.
I was very impressed. How was she not crying? I was pretty sure I’d cried after one bite. But the omelet her mom had made for her was significantly more palatable than mine.
Mrs. Alcaraz sat down at the table with her own omelet. “Lo siento,” she said and patted my cheek. “Now off to work. Both of you.”
Kennedy kissed her mom on the cheek before grabbing my hand and pulling me toward the door. She laughed as we ran through the hallway. I had no idea why we were running. But for some reason we kept going. Like we were escaping.
“I’m so so sorry, Matt,” she said as we hurried down the stairs. “She has a no boys rule when it comes to sleepovers. And obviously we’re just friends so we didn’t break it. But…” her voice got stuck in her throat when I stopped her on the stairs.
“Just friends?”
She blinked up at me. “Yes?”
“I remember everything about last night.” I took a step toward her.
She swallowed hard. “You do?”
I leaned forward slowly.
“I’m pretty sure you’re still drunk,” Kennedy said.
“I swear I’m not. A little hungover. And your mom tried to poison me…but I’m not drunk.”
“It was just a little spicy.”
“A little?”
She laughed and put her hand on my chest. “We both know that you’ll regret it if you kiss me.”
I drew a fraction of an inch closer. “I won’t.”
She seemed to realize I was serious now. “I’m not a temporary fix, Matt.”
“I know that.”
“Do you? Because I’m not so sure. You said you remember last night. Do you remember what you said to me? That you’re not sure if you could love anyone else…”
My lips collided with hers.
Her hand was still pressed against my chest. For a second I thought she was going to shove me away. But instead, her hand crept up my chest to the side of my neck, pulling me closer.
It should have felt wrong. But it didn’t. It felt anything but wrong. So didn’t that make it right?
But then she did shove me away.
“God, what am I doing?” She started blinking fast. “I can’t believe I just kissed you. I can’t believe you just kissed me. I have to go.” She started running down the steps.
“Kennedy!”
She didn’t stop, so I ran after her. She pushed through the doors of the apartment building, blasting us with the cool autumn air. The smell of fallen leaves always reminded me of Brooklyn. But for the first time in a long time, Brooklyn wasn’t the one on my mind.
I grabbed Kennedy’s hand as she tried to hail a cab. “I don’t know how to be okay with her gone,” I said. “I’ve spent the last 16 years trying to be. It’s true, I’m a fucking mess.”
She was blinking away tears. “Matt…”
“But I know you’re not a temporary fix.” I reached out and touched the side of her face. “What if you’re the cure?”
“I can’t fix you. I’m barely standing after…”
I kissed her again. Because anything I said wasn’t helping. But she had to feel this. She had to.
And again she kissed me back.
Her lips tasted salty from her tears. And all I knew was that this flavor was way better than anything in that ice cream container. I’d been right.
The soft moan escaping from her lips nearly drove me insane. I wanted her. I wanted to fucking rip her clothes off and take her right here in the middle of the sidewalk. I wanted to know what it would sound like for her to moan my name.
Instead, I just kept kissing her. And kissing her. And kissing her. I wasn’t sure whether it was for a few seconds or a few minutes. But I kept my hands firmly planted on her hips. I needed her to know that I wasn’t a shmuck like Cupcake. I needed her to know that I meant what I said. That I thought this was the real deal. That maybe we could both be okay.
Her fingers dug into the back of my neck, begging me for more. Fuck.
She felt it too.
God, I needed her. How long had I been waiting to feel like this again?
I could tell Kennedy needed this too. She needed me. And it had been a really long fucking time since I’d felt needed.
I pulled away before I accidentally did try to fuck her in the middle of a busy sidewalk.
She opened her mouth and then closed it again, tears still on her flushed cheeks.
“Come to my practice today.” I wiped her tears away with my thumbs.
“What?”
“Come to Empire High. I want to show you that you’re not stuck. That we’re allowed to live outside those walls.”
“Matt…”
“Do you trust me?”
She nodded.
“3 o’clock, okay?” I reached out my hand and hailed a taxi.
“That was stupid fast,” she said as a taxi pulled to a stop right away.
I laughed and opened the door for her.
For a second, the silence between us felt awkward. Did she regret the first kiss? The second? Both? Had I pushed her too far? I never wanted her to feel the way she had with Cupcake. Fuck. She’d told me it was a bad idea…
“I might be a little late,” she said. “I have a photo shoot at 1:30, and the client always runs over.”
“That’s fine. Practice doesn’t end until 5.”
“Okay.”
I smiled. “Okay then.”
She smiled back before climbing into the taxi.
I wanted to do some kind of victory dance as the taxi sped off. But my phone buzzed in my pocket. First I had to deal with Tanner.
***
Tanner’s apartment was pitch black again when I walked in. With all the w
indows, it should have been impossible. It was like he’d installed blackout curtains just for this occasion. I stumbled into the great room and Tanner turned on the small lamp he’d set up yesterday morning.
But this time there were two wingback chairs. One for Tanner and one for Nigel. They were both pretending to read newspapers and I cringed, wondering if there was a picture of Poppy and me plastered somewhere in there.
“You broke curfew again,” Nigel said and slammed his paper on the ground. “We were worried sick, Mr. Caldwell. How could you…”
“Nigel, please, you sound hysterical,” Tanner said and folded his paper neatly. “Matt, we were worried sick! How could you do this to me two nights in a row!”
He sounded almost exactly as hysterical as Nigel had been. “I’m really sorry…”
“Sorry? You’re…you’re grounded, young man.”
I laughed. “What?”
“Go to your room immediately.”
“Tanner.”
“Fine, I can’t ground you because you’re practically an adult.” He threw his paper on the ground. “But seriously, what the actual hell?”
I walked over to him. “I’m really sorry, man.”
“Actions speak louder than words.”
“What if I told you I have a really good reason?” Honestly, Tanner was more invested in my love life than anyone else. He was going to be thrilled when he heard about Kennedy.
Tanner sighed. “Out with it then.”
“Tanner?” a girl called from somewhere down the hall. “Are you coming back to bed?”
I laughed. “So you weren’t that worried,” I said.
“It’s better to be distracted while worried. It makes time fly.” He turned around. “I’ll be back in a minute!” he called to her.
“Isn’t the saying that time flies when you’re having fun?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, distractions can be fun. Tell me your thing.”
For once I could make him wait. Yes, I’d kept him worried all night. But he’d been busy with that girl. Surely he wasn’t that worried. And he always made me wait for stuff. “I’ll tell you tonight.”
“What, when you don’t come home before curfew?”
“Sick burn, Master,” Nigel said. He lifted up his hand and Tanner slapped it. But it seemed like Nigel was going for more of a handshake. Because he ended up awkwardly grabbing Tanner’s hand mid-high-five.
