by Lexi Blake
“Everyone at that dinner was in on it.” Becca sat back, her hands in her lap again. “The whole thing was done to trick me.”
“The whole thing was done so I could get a feel for who you are as a person,” Ariel corrected quietly. “I really am a psychologist. I wanted to spend time with you so I could evaluate whether or not I thought you were capable of working with McDonald on a project like Tabula Rasa. You have to understand that it was important to know who you were personally. All of these men’s lives depend on who you are. On paper, I would have said no, but getting to know someone in person is important. I didn’t get the chance because Owen hustled you out. And no one changed up the assignments. Owen did that because he couldn’t keep his hands off you, and he knew it the minute you stepped on that lift. He could easily have given you his cover and that would have been the end of it. But he didn’t because he’d been thinking about you since the moment he saw a picture of you.”
He wouldn’t have put it so baldly, but the words seem to have an effect on Becca. She’d turned to him and there was a softness to her expression.
Was this what Ezra had been talking about when he’d mentioned Case and Mia? Had he been talking about letting himself be vulnerable? It wasn’t something he wanted to do, but she’d been made to feel that way and he’d had a hand in it.
“We had two pictures of you,” he began. “One was the picture you use on all your foundation informational materials. You look very professional.”
“And the other?”
He couldn’t help but smile. “You’re wearing spandex and your smile is so bright you reminded me of the sun. I think something about that picture brushed against those memories you say are trapped inside me because after I saw it, I could remember what it felt like to be in the waves with the sun on my face. I think that picture opened up a place inside me I didn’t know I had.”
“You didn’t tell me you were getting flashes,” Robert said.
“Not the point, dear,” Ari said and they went quiet for a moment.
“Captain Neuro. It’s stupid but I have fun with it,” Becca said after a long moment. “Had fun with it. I liked being around the kids. I liked showing the girls they could be doctors and talking about science with the classes.”
“I don’t think it’s stupid. I think you found a way to get them to think about science,” he replied, hating the inches between them. It felt like miles.
“Yeah, well, it’s gone now, and I won’t be allowed to do it again. The funny thing was I didn’t start it until I came here to Canada. I set up the charity years ago, but I didn’t know what I wanted to do with it. After I left Kronberg, I came back to the States and that was when my marriage fell apart. I was having terrible dreams about…about what happened in Germany. I had them for a long time afterward. I thought I was a coward for running out the way I did. I guess you could say I was compensating and didn’t even realize it.”
“Or you were trying to help a bunch of children,” Ari said, her tone gentle. “Sometimes a thing simply is. You tried to do good. Maybe subconsciously you chose the form of it as a way to empower yourself after a traumatic event, but you were still doing good.”
“My mom was a professor and my father a doctor. It was a meshing of my role models, I suppose,” Becca mused. “I thought I could help kids who don’t have role models who could talk to them about working in the medical field. Paul always told me it was embarrassing. Asshole. I changed at the office once and he told me not to do it again because it wouldn’t look good if any patrons saw me like that. I knew then and there that we weren’t going to be…he did it, didn’t he? Son of a bitch. I bet it was Paul. He’s wanted to get rid of me from the moment they hired me. He knew about the charity and he would obviously have ways to get into my accounts since his family runs the place.”
“If he’s at the heart of this, Phoebe will figure it out,” he promised. “I’ll take care of this and you’ll have your reputation back if it’s the last thing I do. When we can call base again, I’ll let Phoebe know where to look.”
“What an ass,” she said under her breath. “I can’t believe he did this to me. He’ll take over my research, too. I bet he was planning to force me to leave quietly. His father will be angry when my name gets plastered all over the news since if my name is out there, so is Huisman’s.”
It made sense. He’d worked a couple of cases while he’d been in London concerning corporate spying, and they always handled the spy with great care so word didn’t get out and cause concern among stockholders.
There was a reason Paul was willing to take that particular bullet. Levi Green must have had a field day with him. “They’re going to take down his father.”
Robert nodded as he pulled off the highway and onto a country road. They were going to use as many backroads as possible. “They’ll use the fact that he’s got ties to Chinese intelligence to do it. I bet Green himself brought in the operative. I wonder what he’s giving her for her cooperation.”
“I wonder if we can find a way to prove he’s working with her,” Ari said. “I bet the Agency would be interested in that.”
Robert said something about Levi being made of Teflon, but Owen was staring at Becca.
“I will do everything I can to get you out of this.”
She wouldn’t look at him, simply stared at the back of Ari’s seat. “It’s not your problem. I’m going to London and I’ll be safe there. You can do what you want to.”
“He doesn’t have to be with us,” Robert explained. “He’s here because he chose to. Owen could have stayed in London and worked and rebuilt his life, but he chose to come with us.”
His old partner, Nick, had tried to talk him into staying in London. They’d worked a couple of jobs together and he’d been perfectly competent, but it had felt wrong to stay. It felt like he owed these men.
Owed them? God, it hit him like a slap in the face. He’d walked away from The Garden out of guilt. Loyalty was in there, yes, but at the heart of everything was the deep desire to eradicate himself. Deep in his heart, he’d come out here because he’d thought he wouldn’t come back. Suicide by martyrdom.
“I didn’t do it for the right reasons,” he said slowly, forcing the words out of his mouth. He didn’t want to say them, but he had to. Becca deserved his honesty. So did the rest of them. “I did it because I don’t think I deserve to live. I did it because I thought if I went out in a blaze of glory saving my brother, then maybe I could make things right.”
Becca gasped and Robert’s hands tightened on the wheel, but Ari turned and looked at him, sympathy plain on her face. “I know, Owen. I’m glad you realize that. Maybe we can work through it now.”
Becca turned to him. “Why? Why would you do that? Why would you think that way?”
He should have known Ariel saw right through him. Now Becca could, too. “Because it’s true.”
“Owen, if you care for her, tell her. Talk to her about it.” Robert didn’t sound cheery now. He sounded grim and sure of himself. “Don’t hold on to this because it’s eating you up inside. If you won’t tell her, you won’t tell anyone.”
But he didn’t want to tell her. She already hated him. She already thought he was a liar and a user.
“Owen, I want to know.” She was staring at him across the seat between them. “Why would you think you would be better off…sacrificing yourself?”
“You don’t have to talk about it,” Ari offered. “But if it helps, I don’t think she’ll blame you. I think Rebecca is a sympathetic person who will understand why you did what you did. They were your family.”
“Owen, were your mother and sister really killed in a break-in?” Becca asked the question as though she already knew the answer.
He could say yes and leave it there. She would believe him. No one on the team would talk about it. The lads could be terrible gossips, but not about anything important. And then he would never give her anything of himself that was real. He’d loved every mome
nt he’d spent with her, and every moment had been a lie because he’d been playing a part, one where he was whole and clean. “No. They were murdered by Dr. McDonald. She used them as leverage to get me to turn over Theo and Erin and their son.”
A gasp escaped from her throat and she turned to face him. Her eyes shone in the moonlight that streamed in from the window. “She killed them because you wouldn’t turn them over?”
“She killed them even though I did.” He let the words sit between them, the silence lengthening like a chasm. She stared at him as though she couldn’t quite understand what he was telling her. “I lied to my whole team. I don’t know the hows and whys. I can’t remember that, but I know I did it. They tell me I refused to turn over the baby, but how can they really know? Maybe I screwed that part up.”
It was his fear, that they were all being kind or they’d misunderstood his intentions and he’d been willing to turn that child over.
“We didn’t lie to you,” Robert insisted. “You wouldn’t turn the baby over. You made sure the baby stayed with Kayla.”
Sure he had. They couldn’t know what was in his heart that day.
“She took your family? Hope McDonald took your family?” Becca asked, though he’d already told her. It was like she was attempting to make sense of the words.
“Yes. Again, I don’t know the hows. I know Mum and Hannah lived in Scotland and I was in England. I left them alone. I was in a position where someone could use them against me and I didn’t protect them. I don’t even remember if I loved them. All I feel is guilt. I look at their pictures and all I feel is despair, and I’m glad they aren’t around because I’m pretty sure those women in the pictures wouldn’t have been proud to call me kin.”
She was still for a moment and then finally she spoke, her words coming out thin and tortured. “Do you hate me for that?”
“What?”
Tears began to slip from her eyes. “I was scared. I ran and I didn’t do what I should have done. Owen, I was so scared. I didn’t even understand what truly happened until tonight. I believe I was given a dose of the time dilation drug by Steven. He wanted me to leave because he thought Dr. McDonald was going to choose me over him. He didn’t want to lose his place at her side.”
His breath caught in his throat at the thought. He knew what that fucking drug did. He’d read everything he could, every report available. “What did he put you through?”
She went quiet. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m not even certain what happened.”
“Depending on how he used it, what the dosage was and some other factors, it could have felt like a dream state,” Ariel explained.
“A nightmare,” Becca said, and he thought she was saying it more to herself than anyone else. She seemed to shake it off. “I’m sorry I don’t know where the package is. I don’t remember getting anything from her. If I had, I would have studied the material. This was right before I came to Canada?”
“Yes.” He didn’t want to talk about the mission. He wanted to drag her onto his lap and keep her talking. He wanted to assure her that he didn’t blame her for anything, but she wasn’t ready to listen. She might never be. “From what we’ve discovered, Dr. McDonald sent a package to you roughly two weeks before the raid on her compound in France.”
“I believe she knew Taggart was closing in on her.” Ariel’s voice had gone professional again as if she understood they couldn’t handle any more emotion. “She might have sent you that material in order to try to protect it.”
“Or it might be complete crap and we’ve done all of this for nothing,” Robert said with a long sigh.
“It wasn’t for nothing.” He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but he couldn’t hold it in. “Green would have come after Becca at some point. He believes there’s something in the package, and he would have figured out that Becca has knowledge he can use. If we hadn’t been here, he would have taken her one way or another.”
“But she didn’t send anything to me,” Becca insisted and then she took a long breath. “Wait. How would she have sent anything to me? She didn’t have my address at the time.”
“It was before you moved here. You were living in Boston,” he explained. “Wasn’t that your address when you worked at Kronberg? They would have known your address.”
She nodded, clearly thinking it through. “But Gary and I split up right after I got back from Germany. He had his affair while I was there and I found out when I came home unexpectedly. I moved out that day. Yes, Kronberg had that address, but Gary lived there at the time. Not me. He lived there up until a few months ago. Oh, shit. I know where it is. It’s at my apartment. About three months ago, he sent me two big boxes of stuff I’d left behind. He’d put it up in the attic but I never made time to go get it. He and Britney decided to sell the house, and I asked him to mail me the boxes. I put them aside. I was busy and I honestly didn’t want to look at anything that would remind me of that time. They’re sitting in my guest room closet. It’s got to be in there.”
He hated what he had to tell her next. “It’s not there.”
She shook her head. “If Gary got mail for me that I didn’t pick up, he would have put it in the box he sent. He even said something about having some packages I never came to get. Britney said she wanted my shit out of the place before she called a real estate agent. I would have told him to throw it all away, but he’d already shipped it. It’s got to be there. I never opened the second box.”
“But I did.” He had to put it out there. “And by now Levi’s gone through it, too. There was nothing there but some clothes, a couple of stuffed animals, and some books. There was no package.”
She stilled. “Of course you did. That’s what you were there to do. You waited until I was asleep. You did a good job tiring me out. I slept like a log when you were there.”
Because he’d fucked her so long and hard and well, he’d wanted to sleep, too. Instead he’d crawled out of her bed and gotten his job done.
“If it hadn’t been Owen, it would have been me.” That was Robert, always trying to help a friend out. “We had cameras stationed around the building so we would know when you were coming and going. If Owen hadn’t searched your place, I would have done it while you were at work. Sasha and Dante searched your office. They weren’t able to get to your lab. They were moving into those shifts next week.”
“Of course.” She was staring out the window again. “The lab would have been a bust, though they’ll take my research now. Paul will likely move forward with it on his own.”
“I’ll try to get it back for you.” He could steal it. He could have Jax hack into Huisman and take it back for her. The data would be stored somewhere. It could be a team job.
Her face had settled into a stubborn expression. “I want to tell you to fuck yourself, but I need it. It will be helpful in my new work, my work no one will likely ever know about because I’m a fugitive.”
“You won’t always be,” he replied, hoping she understood he wasn’t going to leave her like this. “I told you, I’m going to fix it. I’ll find a way.”
“You also told me you wanted to be my lover. You’ll excuse me if I don’t believe you.”
“I wanted to be your lover the minute you stepped into that lift. Maybe before. Is it really my fault you also happened to be the target?”
“Yes, it’s your fault.” At least she was looking at him again.
“I think we should take a moment,” Ariel began.
“Stay out of this.” Becca looked like she was ready to take them all on. “This is not a therapy session and while we’re discussing it, how do you reconcile lying to people? You’re a therapist and you help these guys put people into positions where they will inevitably need your services. That’s quite a racket you have going.”
“That is certainly not my plan, Rebecca,” Ariel replied primly.
Robert chuckled. “Actually it is a great business plan when you think about it, babe. Tell me you weren’t
already planning Becca’s sessions?”
Ariel frowned his way. “Of course I was. She’s going to have trust issues. She already has them, and I’ve only recently realized that they aren’t merely caused by her childhood. They’ve also got an enormous amount to do with what happened to her at Kronberg. We’ll need to work through that.”
“I don’t have trust issues.” Becca argued, pointing Owen’s way. “Well, I didn’t until I met this one.”
“That’s not true,” Owen replied. Ariel wasn’t the only one who’d made a study of Rebecca Walsh. He’d gotten to know her, spent long hours thinking about her. He’d come to some conclusions. “You don’t have friends, Becca, and you’re the type of woman who needs them.”
She seemed to think about that for a moment. “I have Cathy.”
“How much does she know about your life?” Owen asked. “Think about this. You see her at work and you talk about research and what you’re going to eat for lunch and how her children are doing. When do you tell her about your hopes and dreams? She set you up with the most boring lawyer on the planet and why? Because all she really knows about you is how hard you work.”
The tears were back in her eyes and he hated the fact that he was the one who had to point this out to her.
“I wanted to take some time after the divorce,” she said. “I guess I didn’t realize how much I isolated myself.”
“After a trauma, it can be hard to open up,” Ariel said, her tone back to soothing. “It’s not surprising that you kept to yourself. It would feel safe to keep yourself locked away, to not become intimate with the people around you.”
“I’m bloody glad you didn’t open up to that arsehole, Carter.” If there was one good thing that could come out of this, it was getting her away from Carter. “I swear if I’d had more time, I would have had a long talk with him.”
