Technically, I could leave if I wanted to, and I really wanted to, but as I looked down the length of the pew where my mother stood, talking to the group of people milling about, I knew I needed to stay, if for no other reason than to be there for her.
“I can’t leave my mom,” I stated, as I plastered another smile on my face when one of my parents’ neighbors stepped up in front of me and took my hand.
“It’s a sad, sad day. But he’s in a better place.”
Fuck off! I screamed in my head as my mouth replied, “Thank you, Mr. Whitman.”
I’d been teetering on the edge of losing it the entire day, walking a fine rope that seemed to fray with every step I took, and Mr. Whitman’s words — despite the well-meaning behind them — threatened to push me over. There suddenly wasn’t enough air. I was suffocating, the walls beginning to close in around me, and no one appeared to notice. Well, almost no one.
“We’re going,” Quinn stated in a firm tone that left no room for argument.
“I can’t—” I began to protest, even as a cold sweat broke out on my forehead and my body started to tremble. My heart was beating so hard I was scared it would break through my ribs.
He cut me off. “Eliza can stay with your mother for a bit, make sure she’s okay, and explain to her where you’ve gone. You need fresh air. I’m taking you outside for a bit.”
I wanted to cry in relief at the idea of stepping outside the confining room. Feeling just seconds from fainting, I didn’t argue as Quinn took me by the elbow and led me from the sanctuary through a side door that led us out of the church completely. The typical frigid winter temperature of Wyoming came as a blessing, and once we got a yard or so away from the building, I bent in half, hands propped on my knees, and pulled the much needed air into my deflated lungs.
“Oh, God,” I wheezed. “What the hell was that?”
Quinn’s palm came down on my back and he began rubbing soothing circles. “Panic attack. Just slow down, try and control your breathing. It’ll pass.”
“That’s what a panic attack feels like?” I asked exasperatedly. “Jesus! I felt like I was dying.”
“It’ll get better. I promise.”
Once my heart rate returned to normal, and the spots in my vision cleared I was able to stand upright. “You’ve experienced these?” Even with everything that had happened between us, even though I still held a bitter resentment for him, I couldn’t help but be concerned, because I wouldn’t wish what I’d just suffered through on my worst enemy.
“Yeah. After the… accident.” That was all he gave me, but I knew what accident he was talking about. He never spoke about his wife as far as I knew, but everyone in town knew the story of what had happened. A car accident took her life and left Quinn with a long recovery.
It was then that I realized just how much of a sacrifice he’d made for me by coming here, by staying with me the past few days. My voice was thick as I spoke around the painful lump in my throat. “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged and stuffed his hands into the pockets of his slacks. “It’s all right. Haven’t had one in a while now.”
“No, that’s not what I meant.” In all the time we’d spent together, we’d never discussed his wife, his marriage. Hell, even the topic of the wedding ring he still wore was off the table, so saying what I felt I had to at that moment was so much harder than it should have been. “It’s selfish, really, but I’m only just now realizing how difficult all of this—” I pointed back at the church, “—must have been for you. And I’m sorry. Not just that you had to deal with a funeral and everything, but for your loss. You never talked about it, and I knew I couldn’t truly understand what you went through. I know it’s different, losing a father than it is losing a spouse, but I can appreciate how painful it is now. And I just…” I shrugged, feeling helpless. “I’m sorry. I know it’s ironic saying that to you when I couldn’t stand to hear it from everyone back there a few minutes ago, but it’s how I feel.”
He looked down at the dark, cracked asphalt of the church parking lot as he rocked back and forth on his heels. I didn’t have to see his eyes to know the shutters had dropped back into place. It felt like an eternity, but couldn’t have been more than a handful of seconds before he responded, “I don’t want to talk about it,” he stated with finality. “This… today, isn’t about me, it’s about you. Let’s not discuss—”
“Don’t,” I snipped, unable to control my turbulent emotions. “I’m not trying to get you to open up, Quinn. It’s like beating my head against a brick wall. I know trying to get you to talk to me is a lost cause, believe me,” I added sarcastically, because I was mad. No, that wasn’t right, I was pissed. The past few months had been full of darkness, sadness, and heartache. Quinn had given me a few brief glimpses of light during that time, only to snatch them away from me. Yeah, I was pissed, and standing in the middle of a church parking lot, after saying my final good-bye to my father, the best man I’d ever known, I snapped.
“You made it perfectly clear that I’m not enough to help you get past your loss, and I’ve accepted that. I’m not pushing you right now. Honestly, I’ve given up. You make trying to help you impossible. But I lost someone I loved with all of my heart today, and I know you’ve experienced the same thing, and for that I’m sorry. And I’m thankful that you pushed the pain aside long enough to be here for me when I needed someone. So this, right now, it’s not me trying to understand what makes you tick. I’m just acknowledging what you’ve done for me.”
“Lilly.” When he took a step in my direction, I held my hand up to stop him.
“I’m cold. I should probably go back inside.” His mouth opened, but I continued, not letting him get a word in. “And you should probably get back to Pembrooke. You’ve got your job and Sophia to see to.”
I knew he’d argue, and I was proven right when his jaw clenched and he declared, “I’m not leaving you.”
Fortunately, I’d reached my limit on pain for the day, so saying what I knew would make him leave couldn’t cause me to hurt any more than I already did. “I don’t want you here, anymore,” I stated flatly. “You’ve provided what I needed, and it’s time for you to go. I want you to go, Quinn.”
“You don’t mean that.”
Why? Why did he have to make this so fucking hard? “I do!” I shouted, my voice echoing through the snow-covered trees. “I do mean it! I want you to go. Thank you for all you’ve done for me, and I’ll never be able to repay you, but it’s done. We. Are. Done. In every single way possible. I’m staying with my mom for a few more days, and I don’t want you there. Please, Quinn, please. Don’t make this any harder than it already is. Just leave.”
“I want to help you.” His ravaged voice cut me to the bone.
“Funny,” I laughed without an ounce of humor. “That was all I wanted to do for you. Now maybe you’ll understand what I felt every time you gave me a piece of you, only to rip it away again.”
I hadn’t even noticed I’d been crying until just then. I turned and headed back toward the church, but not before issuing my parting shot. “Go home, Quinn. You would have walked away from me eventually. That’s all you’re capable of. So do us both a favor and walk away now.”
I didn’t stick around for a reply. Instead, I let the door between us close for good.
It was the only way I’d survive.
32
Quinn
I ripped another board up and hurled it across the back yard. The fact that I was sweating my ass off even with the light dusting of snow on the ground was a testament to how hard I was pushing myself. After I’d dropped Sophia off at school that morning, I’d come out on my back deck to have a cup of coffee and try to calm my mind by staring out at the amazing view of the mountains that surrounded me.
That hadn’t worked.
Three feet out from my back door I stepped on a spot that was starting to rot through. What had started as a simple task of replacing the rotted board had quickly tu
rned into me taking my aggression out and ripping the entire goddamned deck up.
In the middle of fucking winter.
I’d caught a brief glimpse of my neighbor — an old lady who’d lived in the house next door all her life — and didn’t miss the look on her face. She thought I was crazy. And as I ripped another piece of wood up, oblivious to the nails that jabbed into my work gloves, I couldn’t help but agree with her. I was so hot from working that I’d discarded my jacket twenty minutes ago, leaving me in just my jeans and a long sleeved thermal.
Half my deck now laid in a pile of rubble off to the side. It had been a week and a half since her father’s funeral. Three days since Lilly returned home from Jackson Hole, and the only reason I knew that was because Ethan had let it slip that Eliza was staying at her apartment to keep an eye on her. I guess I should have been thankful that they were both back in Pembrooke for the next several months on the tail of Ethan’s Super Bowl win, but I couldn’t stop thinking that I should be the one taking care of her.
I still hadn’t seen her. My texts and calls had all gone unanswered. I felt like I was missing a major piece of myself, a piece I needed in order to live. I had no one to blame but myself for the way things had turned out between us, but the worry ate at me until I was so consumed with it I could barely function. I needed to know she was all right. I needed to know she was coping. But I had no right, she’d made that clear.
I reached for another board and ripped with all my might. “Ah! Son of a bitch!” I looked down to see a nail had ripped clean through the sleeve of my shirt. The blood bubbling from the jagged cut on my arm oozed over onto the torn fabric, staining it a dark crimson. Using my teeth, I ripped the gloves off my hand and stomped back into the house, slamming the door behind me.
I jerked the sleeve up my forearm and held it under the faucet at my sink, sucking in a sharp hiss as the water stung the cut. It didn’t look like it needed stitches, but I’d definitely need to clean the bastard out really well. Bending low, I grabbed the First Aid kit from under the sink and tore open several alcohol pads. I welcomed the pain that lanced through my arm as I wiped the wound clean. Honestly, the burn was a welcome distraction from the intense ache I’d been living with for the past month. One pain just worked to mask the other.
My cellphone rang from the back pocket of my jeans just as I finished wrapping a piece of gauze around my arm. “What?” I barked into the phone, not bothering to look at the display.
“Uh… Quinn? This is Quinn, right?”
At the unfamiliar man’s voice, I pulled the phone from my ear and glanced at the screen to see an unknown number. I brought it back up and answered, “Yeah. This is Quinn.”
“Quinn, this is Kyle, from the dance school. I got your number from Lilly’s phone. I’m sorry for interrupting, but is there… do you think you could get down here? Soon?”
White-hot fear froze me from the inside out. “What’s going on?”
“It’s Lilly—” Before he had a chance to finish, I was moving through the kitchen, snatching my keys off the counter as I passed. “I’ll be there in ten.”
I disconnected the call and rushed out of my house into my truck, telling myself that if it were something really serious, he would have called 911, not me. But whatever was happening was bad enough for him to go through Lilly’s phone in order to find my number.
My foot sat so heavy on the accelerator that I cut the time from my house to the studio in half, breaking every single rule of the road in order to get to Lilly.
The brakes screeched as I pulled into a spot right outside the school’s doors. The blinds to the studio up front were drawn, but when I hit the main door, it was unlocked. Kyle and the other teacher, Samantha, stood in the lobby, both wearing equally anxious expressions on their faces. I could hear music playing from the first studio, but ignored it as I stomped toward them, demanding, “What’s going on?”
Kyle held up his hands to slow me down. “Calm down. She’s okay. Well, physically.”
That didn’t help one fucking bit to soothe my frayed nerves. “Will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on? Where’s Lilly? What’s the matter?”
Kyle’s face was painted with worry, and if I didn’t know he was gay that look might have set me off. “She’s not doing well,” he finally admitted. “She’s put on a brave face since she’s been back so we wouldn’t worry, but we knew it was all an act.”
Samantha nodded her head and her eyes shown bright with unshed tears. “We were fine with letting her pretend as long as we thought she was actually getting better. But then this morning…”
“What happened this morning?”
Kyle dropped his head and gave it a small shake before looking back up at me. “Just… come with me.” He led me over to the studio door. Stopping at the small window in the door, we stood side by side and looked through the glass at Lilly as she danced, but it wasn’t the same. Her body was jerky, not fluid. Her face wasn’t at peace. She looked exhausted, but kept on going. Sweat glistened over every inch of her body, her skin flushed red with exertion. I was able to recognize the X Ambassadors song even muffled through the door, and once “Unsteady” came to an end it started all over again.
“She’s been at it since we showed up around seven this morning,” Kyle said, pulling me from the sight before me. “Same song over and over. Sam and I have come in here to try and get her to stop, but it’s like she’s a zombie. She won’t even stop for water.” I looked into his eyes and saw nothing but sadness. “We didn’t know what else to do. She can’t push herself like this. Physically, it’s not good for her, but she won’t listen to us. I actually tried to shut the music off and she nearly bit my head off. She’s not our Lilly right now. It’s like she’s trapped in her own head and refuses to come out.”
I turned back to the window just as she attempted to execute a leap. I’d seen her do the same jump before, only this time she barely caught any air. She looked like she was seconds away from collapsing.
I put my hand to the knob and gave it a twist, glancing at Kyle over my shoulder as I pushed the door open. “Thanks for calling me. Let me see what I can do.” He nodded right before the door closed behind me.
Her eyes were closed as I moved a few feet into the room, rested my shoulders against the wall and just watched, trying to think of any way to get Lilly to stop. I hadn’t noticed the dark circles under her eyes, or how sunken her cheeks looked from the window, but now that I was standing closer it was obvious that Lilly had lost weight… weight that her already slight frame couldn’t afford to lose.
I’d been right to worry. She wasn’t taking care of herself. She wasn’t okay. And just as I’d feared, it looked like she was in the middle of a breakdown. The only thing I could do to help was be there when it finally hit her full force.
I didn’t have to wait long.
As soon as the man started singing to his father about trying to fight when he felt like flying she lifted up on the ball of one foot. Her body began to turn, and her leg extended out to her side. But before she could make the turn completely, her ankle gave and she fell to the floor in a crumpled heap. Rushing from my spot at the wall, I hit my knees only inches from her and lifted my hands to move the hair from her face.
“Baby,” I whispered, running my hands down her limbs to make sure she wasn’t hurt. “Are you okay?”
Her head came up and tears skirted down her cheeks in a quick rush. “Quinn.” Her voice broke on that one word, and I knew she’d finally reached the tipping point. “I miss him so much.” Then her body folded in on itself as deep, ravaged, gut-wrenching sobs tore from her. I sat on the floor and wrapped my arms around her, pulling her trembling frame into my lap and holding on tightly.
“It’s okay,” I breathed into her ear, as I rocked us back and forth. “Let it out, baby. I’ve got you. Just get it all out.”
Her body shuddered and shook violently as each anguished cry broke free, shattering a piece of me with every o
ne. I don’t know how long we sat there on the cold, slick floor of the dance studio before the tremors started to lessen. The sobs had finally quieted, but in their place, silent tears continued to fall, soaking through the front of my shirt.
At one point Kyle had peeked through the door, finding us sitting on the floor in the middle of the room, and went over to stop the music before exiting once again. It felt like an eternity had passed before she finally cried herself to sleep in my arms in the silent room. When I felt it was safe to move, I stood from the ground with Lilly in my arms and carried her out of the studio. She didn’t wake, too physically and emotionally exhausted. She simply burrowed into my neck and let out a stuttered sigh.
“Her apartment unlocked?” I asked Kyle and Sam. Kyle grabbed a set of keys off the front desk and led me through the back of the school to the interior stairs. He went up before me, unlocking the door and held it open so I could carry Lilly across the threshold undisturbed. He followed through the apartment and into her bedroom, his worried eyes resting on her as I lay her down in her bed.
“Thanks for coming. I can stay with her until she wakes up.”
“I’ve got it,” I rasped. There was no way in Hell I was leaving her. Not now, not after she’d just cried her sorrows out on my chest. I was staying, whether she wanted me to or not. I needed to be with her just as badly as she needed a shoulder to lean on. And now that I’d seen her, I couldn’t walk away. I was determined to be that shoulder for her as long as she’d allow it.
Kyle gave me a hesitant look. “You sure?”
“Positive. I’m not leaving. You can either stay here with me, or you can go down and handle Lilly’s classes for her.”
He looked from me to her and back again. “I’ll go down to help Sam. You know where to find us if you need anything.”
Welcome to Pembrooke: the complete Pembrooke series Page 61
