I turned off the tap and pulled a blue paper towel from the dispenser and patted my fingers dry.
‘Enough, Amy. Stop thinking about it, because whatever the answers are, they don’t matter.’
Refusing to allow my head to turn once more towards the clock, I began to pick up the mess from the floor. I threw the pastries into a waste bag and then set about cleaning up the sticky residue.
‘Right, that’s it.’ I spoke firmly, trying to convince myself.
As I started to wield the steamer around the kitchen, I decided right then and there, with a determined nod of my head, that I had other things to do today. Other things to sort out and yes, I had other things to look forward to.
As I steamed away the last of the mess off the floor, I finally heard the heavy clunk of his boots coming quickly down the stairs to the side of the kitchen and the slam of my bedroom door behind him. I held my breath and lifted my head, waiting for his engine to start. I caught sight of myself in the small vanity mirror above the sink, and offered my reflection a small smile, as I tried to convince myself I had done the right thing.
The smile never reached my eyes.
I heard his engine start and ducked my head so I wouldn’t see the few tears that silently rolled down my cheeks, obviously in response to the pain in my finger.
The tearoom was once again bustling. Every table was full of people rejoicing the onset of the Christmas holidays, celebrating milestones with friends and family, or catching up with best friends in the warm ambience. I stood in the doorway to the kitchen taking it all in.
I looked all around the room several times, but my eyes always came back to table sixteen. Set back in a recess next to one of the huge arched windows, it had four comfortable armchairs set around a low, oval table. One man was sat there all by himself. He wasn’t a local. I loved to people watch and he interested me. He was another good-looking guy who had the saddest eyes I think I had ever seen. He had medium brown coloured hair and a full, well-kept beard that appeared to have flecks of red in it. Every time the tearoom door opened he and I quickly glanced in its direction. I looked away in relief when I didn’t find Daniel standing there and when it seemed his eyes didn’t find what he was looking for, he looked back down to the condiments that he was fidgeting with. Finally, a young woman who was well wrapped up against the cold walked in and looked hesitantly around.
‘Morning,’ I heard Kirsty greet her.
‘Good morning, I’m meeting a Mr. McKenzie here?’ she questioned.
‘Oh yes, follow me. He’s waiting for you.’
I watched her pull off her bobble hat as she walked behind Kirsty. Long, thick strands of jet black hair fell beautifully down her back. Mystery man leapt to his feet, shook his legs to make his ripped jeans fall and extended a bare, tattooed forearm, towards her in greeting.
Blind date? How sweet. I managed a rather sarcastic smile.
‘Amy, are you taking your break soon?’ Debbie touched her hand to my shoulder as she asked the question, making me jump and taking me away from my thoughts.
‘Yeah, but I’m just going to make a couple of calls first, so probably in about thirty minutes or so.’ I looked at her questioningly.
‘Okay,’ she nodded. ‘I’ll wait until you get back to take mine.’
I tore my eyes away from the blind date couple and smiled my thanks at Debbie. The tearooms needed at least two of us women at any one time. The teenagers working here over the holiday were great, but the ship needed a steadying hand to run smoothly.
The phone in her room rang twice before the recognisable voice picked up. I closed my eyes and exhaled as I appreciated the warmth in my nan’s tone.
‘Hello, Falham 209278.’
It was our shop telephone number. Despite the fact she had got that wrong because of where she was, the enthusiasm in her voice lifted me. Today was obviously a good day. Like many other people, her dementia came and went like the rise and set of the sun. There was no formula or equation that would enable you to work out what sort of day or even what sort of hour you would get with her. But I had worked out months ago, she seemed to know when I really needed her to be her and not the confused old lady that was gradually consuming her vibrancy and personality. I could only assume that it was the strength of her love for me and the rest of our family that made her fight with everything she was to still be the matriarch we all needed and loved.
‘Morning, Nan,’ I answered, immediately feeling my heart grow a little lighter at the thought of talking to her.
‘Amy, how lovely! I was just thinking about you.’
I closed the door to the office, letting the hustle and bustle around me disappear. I wanted to let her voice wrap around me like a comfort blanket. It had always had that effect on me as a child and it was still the same now that I was a grown woman.
‘You were?’ I sank a little further into the office chair with relief.
‘Yes. How’s the tearoom? Is it as busy as you and Lauren thought it would be?’ She really was on the ball today, remembering a previous conversation we’d had.
‘It’s SO busy. I think even more than Lauren hoped for.’ I pushed away the pain in my heart and tried to lose myself into our small talk.
‘That’s good. I’m really pleased.’
‘My baking went well today, you’d have been proud. Well, apart from the complete tray load I dropped all over the floor when I burnt my finger,’ I laughed.
‘Oh, no! Are you okay?’ she questioned, the concern in her voice making it rise in tone.
‘Oh, don’t worry. I’m fine.’
Then I heard it, that tiny moment when she had time to think. The instant when she had put two and two together and probably knowing my nan had come up with fifty.
‘That’s unlike you, Amy. What’s going on?’
There it was, her opening question. I could lie to her, but it had never worked before, she saw right through me.
‘I met someone yesterday.’
‘Someone?’ she came straight back with.
‘Yeah…’ I stopped talking when I became aware that my breathing rate had quickened. I could hear it echoing into the mouthpiece of the old-fashioned telephone in Lauren’s office. ‘Just a guy here for Jack and Lily’s wedding,’ I finished off after speedily composing myself.
‘What’s his name, this young man?’ I smiled at the phone knowing her interest had suddenly increased.
‘Daniel.’
‘Ooooo, I’ve always liked that name, tell me more,’ she probed.
‘There’s not much more to tell, Nan.’ A small laugh left my mouth.
‘Amy. I wasn’t born yesterday, if the two of you had just had a conversation, you wouldn’t have even mentioned him. Something has happened, I can feel it in my water.’ I crinkled up my face in amusement at my nan’s terminology. ‘Now tell me what happened and just what it is that’s upsetting you enough to call me from a quiet room away from others. You don’t normally throw food all over the floor either, so I know it’s something.’
The woman who had brought me up hardly ever missed a thing, even with her dementia.
I took a deep breath and carried on. ‘We spent the night together.’ I squeezed my eyes together tightly, leaving the words hanging on the line.
‘Oooooo, go on… and make it quick, you know I need to know more. I’m with you today, Amy.’ I heard her sigh with acceptance. ‘I might not be next time you speak to me or come to see me.’
I mulled it over, and not for the first time either, just what it must be like to be our nan. Vascular dementia had been diagnosed shortly after her suffering a stroke just over two years ago. Rehabilitation had enabled her to regain the strength the stroke had robbed her of in her right side, but as those weaknesses dissipated, the weakness within her brain reared its unwanted ugly head. She had never smoked, or drank to excess, the only contributing factor that doctors had said went against her, was that she was overweight. She had one vice, her love to cook. To spend
time with her family around the overly large dining table that took up most of the room in the living area we had above the shop, was her idea of perfect.
Nan had led a life that was fully involved with her family and the community around her, and watching from the side lines as that life was gradually chipped away was excruciating. Sometimes it absconded in tiny pieces and then on occasions in great big, very unwelcome chunks. My heart felt heavy, I knew I was losing her and I was nowhere near ready to let her go. I gave her what she was asking for.
‘He’s beautiful, Nan. He’s tall, a few inches over six foot, and like one of those men we used to sigh over on the covers of the books we read.’
‘Well…’ She pushed into the conversation and I could picture her with her eyes closed, with a beautiful smile on her face and her hand over her heart like she did when she was overwhelmed. I carried on, letting her live vicariously through me.
‘He has fairly short, dark hair that curls over his ears.’ I stopped short of telling her that when he had exerted himself and his hair was damp, it curled even more. ‘He has the most unusual coloured eyes I have ever seen, I can only describe them as like a teal colour. His whole body was covered in tattoos, colourful, artistic tattoos.’
I stopped, not really knowing what to say.
‘He sounds breathtaking, but how did he make you feel, Amy?’
I knew it was coming, I knew she would ask. I thought back to how I had felt when he was holding me close, and to how he had made love to me, with his eyes capturing mine and how he had refused to release them.
‘He made me feel… cherished and appreciated. Almost like we were meant to be.’ My voice got quieter as I came to terms with the words I was speaking
‘Oh, Amy,’ she whispered down the phone.
I could feel stirrings of panic welling up inside me. What have I done?
‘I can’t wait to meet him, he sounds wonderful.’
‘Nan, it was a one-night stand, he won’t be back. He left this morning after I came down to work.’
‘I don’t understand. If there was the level of connection between you that you just described to me, why would he just up and leave? Your grandfather and I knew the moment his fingers found mine, the very first moment he took my hand.’
‘That’s just the way it is these days.’
‘Don’t you come that with me.’ Her voice strengthened, as she began in her way to tell me off. ‘Finding someone you connect with is the same now as it has ever been. It’s the same as it was in my day, or as far back in time as we can both imagine.’
‘We slept together, Nan. It was just sex. Admittedly very good sex, but just sex nonetheless. This morning I gave him a way out, Nan. I gave him the way out, before he came up with his excuses.’
‘If you were one of those sort of women, Amy, that might be true. But you’re not like that. You don’t spend the night with every Tom, Dick, or even Harry. This must stop, Amy. Please, you must stop pushing everyone away, stop trying to keep everyone at arm’s length… for me.’
Although we’d had the same conversation many times before over the years, this time the last couple of words resonated deeper within me.
‘I’ll try, Nan… for you.’
‘When he comes back, which I’m certain he will, you make sure you do just that. Now, there was something else, hold on let me find my piece of paper.’ I closed my eyes and grimaced. I concentrated hard on my breathing, making sure I didn’t sigh with what sounded like impatience at the delay in our conversation. I could hear her searching her handbag for the exact scrap she was looking for. It had become one of her coping mechanisms, to write everything down. Her hope was that she would be reminded of it later. The only problem was her handbag was very often full, with varying pieces of paper all with things she felt she needed to remember written on them. Sometimes it made the whole situation worse. I had found her before with her bag emptied out, her lap completely covered in pieces of screwed up papers. She had been in tears as she tried so desperately hard to sort through them all. The same night I had emptied the lot in the bin, knowing that if I didn’t we would be bound to go through the process again from start to finish.
‘Oh yes, that’s it.’ She finally spoke and I smiled at the happiness in her voice. ‘When are you going to tell me about Grandad’s car and the fact you had an accident? You did, didn’t you?’
I didn’t question how she knew, we lived in a small village. Everyone knew each other’s business around here. ‘Your piece of paper is correct,’ I reassured her, after I heard the doubt creep in momentarily. ‘I was going to… I’m sorry. There was nothing I could do. She slid on the ice. I’m not sure whether the insurance company will pay out enough to cover the repair bill. I’m so sorry. I know how much that car meant to you. I know it’s the last thing that Grandad bought for you.’
‘Just as long as you’re not hurt, that’s the main thing. We really should have got rid of the car years ago, but it’s always held a special place in my heart, because your grandad gave it to me… Unlike some of the other things he gave me.’ I heard her sigh and knew she was talking about my mum. She took a deep breath and continued. ‘But I still remember the way he loved me and what it felt like to be held in his arms, I don’t need the car to remind me of that. I have all of you, and it’s enough, its more than enough. Gradually we all learn to let go. It’s one of life’s lessons. We have to learn to let go of the people we love, when they can no longer be with us, whether it’s taken completely out of their hands… or by their choice to leave.’
‘I’m trying, Nan…I am trying.’ I closed my eyes and whispered into the phone.
‘Not hard enough, Amy. I want to be around long enough to see you happy and settled. You need to let go of the negative feelings that are eating you up inside, feelings like pain and resentment. Those can consume you and twist you. They can bring you down and stop you leading your life to the full. Stupidly, we all fight to hold on to things that are of no benefit to us at all, because we can’t bear the thought of change. So, we push people away because we’re scared.’ I heard her take in a deep cleansing breath. ‘Let it go, darling, let it all go and please learn to love yourself. Then and only then can you be loved fully and completely in return. You deserve that, I want that so much for you.’
More silent tears fell down my face as I listened to her words. She had a lifetime of experience to share, but no longer a lifetime to share it.
I missed her already.
‘Wipe those tears away, Amy. If he has a connection to you, like you felt, he’ll be back. Mark my words. You are far too beautiful to ignore.’
I wiped my face with the back of my hand and sniffed to clear my nose.
‘We’ll see, Nan. I love you.’
‘I love you too, bye for now.’
‘Bye.’
I didn’t want to put the phone down on her, not knowing if she would be my nan next time we spoke. I wanted to be in the same room as her, so I could fly into her warm comforting embrace. But hearing the click and then the dead tone that followed, I placed the receiver gently down in its cradle.
After spending a few minutes mulling over her words, I picked it back up to call our local garage. Luckily the guys there already had my nan’s car in hand and were just waiting on the insurance company’s visit. Thank goodness, it was one less thing to deal with.
Letting out a deep sigh, I pushed open the heavy door to my bedroom. I was utterly exhausted, but two twelve-hour days, two nights with no sleep, one of those with unlimited orgasms, would do that to you. As if to punish myself just a little bit more, the first thing I did as the door closed behind me was to inhale deeply, just to see if Daniel’s cologne had left its presence, but I found nothing. The room was tidy and the bed had been expertly made, almost with military precision. It was as if he’d never been here at all.
I was physically and mentally spent, but first I had tonight to get through, before I would allow myself to dissolve into a bedridden
, emotional heap. All I would need would be my own morose company, my duvet, a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and a large spoon.
I kicked off my heels and after making a brave attempt to ignore the leather chair in the corner and just what I’d done in the said chair with Daniel, I sat down on the end of the bed and flung myself backwards. I stared up through the skylights at the clear, dark sky as one by one the stars began to appear.
I could only allow myself ten minute’s rest. I had approximately one hour’s reprieve before I was due to be picked up to help at The Manor this evening. Although I was mainly going to be behind the scenes, just making sure that the kitchen ran smoothly, I knew I needed to look the part. I was going to have to shower, re-do my make-up and rummage through Lauren’s wardrobe for something suitable to wear. I stood up on throbbing feet that genuinely felt like they were on fire and could barely take anymore. But, I had promised Lauren and Winter, so I drove myself on. I really needed their company, I had spent far too long today in my own head. Tonight, after a job well done, I was going to have a couple of drinks to unwind and have a much-needed laugh with them.
One hour later, I was standing in the carpark waiting for my ride. Physically I felt revived, but mentally I felt fragile. At least I looked the part. I’d found a knee-length, black lace cocktail dress and it fitted like a glove. I’d made up my face, paying special attention to my eyes as I tried to camouflage the building emotion behind them.
A dark, expensive looking car pulled up in front of me and I got in.
The sleek vehicle swept up the main driveway to The Manor and I saw for the first time just what a superb job Winter had done. The long driveway had been transformed. This evening it had been lit with flaming torches. It was showy and very effective, casting the red brick of the Victorian manor with contrasting lights. The old building looked stunning. I knew that today a separate opening had been held for the corporate guests, which included hotel reviewers and national newspapers. She had explained that this evening would have a completely different feel to it. Apparently, the band had wanted it to be more relaxed and they wanted an evening to share with their families and extended group of friends. Winter had said that Raff had even hinted that Default Distraction were going to play a few popular covers and some of their best-selling hits
Brody (Default Distraction Book 1) Page 10
