I’m in my bed and you’re in yours. One of us is in the wrong fucking place.
On the Wednesday morning, I had been out for my regular boot camp workout. As we had rounded the perimeter of the communal park that surrounded The Manor, I’d been lagging behind the others. Running was so not my forte. I had been startled as Daniel had stepped out from behind one of the huge trees and using one arm only he had pulled me into him, effectively covering us from all prying eyes. I’d squealed like a schoolgirl as his large arms had enfolded me and his hard body had backed me up against the wide tree trunk. His cologne had invaded my nostrils, offering my frantically beating heart a sense of calm. His mouth invaded mine and for a few seconds he kissed me until I was breathless. As he broke away, he had rested his forehead against mine.
‘I miss you,’ he whispered and my heart soared at his simple words.
‘I miss you, too.’ I grabbed his hoodie and pulled myself back to him, before I brushed my lips against his to check if he was real.
‘Are you sure you need this run, Amy? I mean, I could give you a more thorough all over body workout than running can.’ He smiled his cheeky grin at me and I watched the mischief dance in his eyes.
‘I know you could, but I’ve been thinking perhaps I’ve given in to you just a little too much already.’ I ducked from under his arm quickly and began to run again, albeit backwards, away from him. ‘Besides we’re about to do a squat workout soon and I need to give these thighs a good going over.’ His gaze travelled down to my Lycra-clad legs and then straight back up to my face. I watched a salacious smile break out behind his stubble.
‘Giving your thighs a good going over, huh? I’m sure I’m the man for that job.’
I blew him a kiss as he watched me turn away. My heart felt lighter just for having seen and spoken to him for a few short minutes.
‘Come on, Amy!’ shouted Alastair, our P.T instructor, from at least a hundred yards ahead of me. I saw one of the other girls turn her head to look at me and I gave her a little wave. I turned around again as I pushed myself on and, running backwards, I looked back at the large oak I had been behind with him only moments before. There was no sign of him at all, it was almost as if I’d imagined him there. I spun around to face forward once again, before I had an accident, and put a glove-covered finger to my lips.
I couldn’t have dreamt him when my lips still felt him.
It was now Friday.
The tearoom had remained at almost full capacity all week. With me running out to meet Daniel every available moment, I hadn’t seen much of Lauren or Winter, but they too seemed to be otherwise engaged. Or perhaps I was doing everything possible to avoid being in the same place at the same time? When mine and Lauren’s shifts had crossed, I’d gone out of my way to make myself busy and then had left as soon as possible.
I knew we would all catch up soon, Jack’s wedding was tomorrow and we were going to the evening reception. Christmas was the day after and we were due to have our dinner up at The Manor, courtesy of Raff and Default Distraction. It would be interesting meeting them, celebrities weren’t my favourite sort of people, not that I’d met that many. But I had come to that decision a long time ago, knowing that one very minor one in my life was way more than enough.
I couldn’t ever remember feeling as happy as I’d felt when I’d woken up this morning. I’d hardly been able to contain my excitement as I’d got on with my work. The reason behind this was that I’d never had a weekend full of plans before. I was doing what my nan wanted me to do and it seemed to be what I needed.
At long last I was living, it was exhilarating. It was bloody fantastic and it was long overdue. I wanted to share the news with the woman who had brought me up. She deserved to see that her love and care for me had resulted in me finally being able to move forward.
I had just finished the lunchtime session at the tearooms and after pocketing my tips for the few hours I’d worked, I’d waved at the staff and taken my leave, shooting up the stairs to the side of the building. I needed a quick shower and to change my clothes. Daniel was due to pick me up in twenty minutes. The two of us were visiting my nan.
I was looking forward to seeing her. I knew she hadn’t had the best of weeks and it hurt me to know I was having the best week of my life while she was struggling. Lauren and Mark had visited her on Wednesday and today was my agreed time slot. Our matriarch may be having a bad week but she still knew exactly how to keep us all under control, her previously issued instructions kept us all on our toes. Even with what was going on with her now, we weren’t prepared to go against her wishes.
I pulled my brown jeans on over my shaved and creamed legs, feeling how sensitive my skin was at the thought of seeing him. The need to be as attractive as possible for him had become my upper most thought. It was a game I was playing, and one that kept me from dwelling too much on what else was going on in my life. It seemed he had appeared when I most needed him and I would be forever grateful. I pulled my new raspberry coloured jumper over my head. It was the same style as the cream one I had worn earlier in the week. I had seen just how much he had enjoyed the slashed neckline and the view of the bare skin on my shoulder. I wanted to tease him again with the small show of flesh. Looking in the mirror, I loosely wrapped up my long hair into a messy bun and applied a small amount of make-up. My skin seemed to have a glow of its own. Lastly, I spritzed my perfume into the air and walked through it.
I grabbed my leather biker jacket from behind the door and slammed it behind me as I carefully began to descend the wrought iron staircase, grasping the handrail tightly. The cold air rushed over the bare skin of my shoulder, as like a teenager I was carrying my jacket and not wearing it. I’d wanted to give him the full effect of the effort I’d just made, especially as that effort was all for him.
Finally, as my feet found the ground, I allowed my eyes to look at where I knew his vehicle would be parked. My heart skipped a beat the very moment he lifted his head from staring at the toe of his boot as he appeared to kick thoughtfully at the snow, and our eyes found each other’s. His arms that had been crossed over his chest, opened and came down to his sides and he pushed his backside away from the bonnet. He began to walk towards me slowly, with his hands twitching at his sides. I walked slowly too, maintaining the connection between us and allowing him time to take me in. His eyes left mine as he swept his gaze up and down my body and even with distance between us, I could feel the now familiar spark ignite inside me.
We had known each other for one whole week. I knew it was absolutely no time at all, but to me it was already everything. I had known just how he would be stood there waiting for me. I already knew his mannerisms and could understand every unspoken signal of his body.
All at once, he was in front of me, gathering me up into his arms. Stood in the middle of the busy carpark, we blocked out everyone and everything around us.
‘You take my fucking breath away.’ He kissed me chastely, sealing our connection. Wordlessly he broke away and leading me by the hand he helped me up into his car. I settled immediately into the warm leather of the seat and watched as he jogged around the front of the car and jumped up beside me. The engine started and we began to pull away.
He picked up my hand nearest to him and placed it down onto where his well-fitting black jeans encased his muscular thigh, and I casually ran my hand up and down a little.
‘Did ya phone?’
I looked over at him as he expertly drove us through the narrow country lanes, loving the feeling of safety I had with him.
‘Yes, I spoke to Tina this morning, she’s Nan’s social worker. She said she’d have a chat with her. She’d warn her and the carers I would be bringing a visitor.’
I watched as his mouth twitched before he started grinning. ‘She’d warn her I was coming? I’m not that bad.’
‘Really?’ I teased. ‘Have you looked at yourself recently?’
He pulled his beanie away from his head, making his cropped hair fall untidily, an
d removed his sunglasses, revealing his beautiful eyes. Messy or not, he was simply stunning. Then he pulled down the visor and began to pull faces in the mirror. I smacked my hand on his thigh.
‘Stop it… You know what I mean.’
He changed down a gear as we turned into yet another lane, on the way back to my village. ‘Nah… I don’t, explain?’
‘Honestly? … I know that you know what you look like.’
He shook his head smiling. ‘Maybe? Or perhaps I want you to tell me.’
I sighed in exasperation.
‘When women look at you, they see a guy who looks like he’s just fallen off a billboard, or out of the latest GQ magazine, or maybe even come to life from their favourite porn channel.’ He laughed out loud at my explanation. ‘Men like you don’t just turn up at our local care home. The nurses and carers, dependant on age, are either going to have a heart attack, or a bad case of very damp knickers after they catch sight of you.’ I laughed at the look of horror spreading over his stubble-covered face and laughed at him.
‘A bad case of damp knickers? Is there such a thing?’ He laughed.
‘Yes.’ I sighed at his teasing and shot him a look.
‘Mmmm… Thing is, Amy, I don’t care what women see when they look at me. Looks are superficial, they’re only skin deep. I only care what the one woman who has access to my heart and soul sees, when she looks at me. That woman in case you were unsure… is you.’
I heard myself sigh at his words as he picked up my hand from his thigh, turned it over and kissed my wrist. All my nerve endings sparked to life at the feel of his lips on my skin.
‘So, what do you see when you look at me?’ he questioned.
‘I see you and you’re the hottest guy I’ve ever met, but you’re even more beautiful on the inside.’ I didn’t even think about the answer I gave him. The words were there ready and waiting on the tip of my tongue. No thought process was involved. I didn’t put up my guard or even filter my words, I just spoke straight from my heart.
‘Do ya know… I believe that’s exactly what you do see? I can be myself with you, Amy, and after pretending to be someone and something else for over half my life, that knowledge is fucking everything to me.’
I kissed the top of my fingers and blew him a kiss and for a few minutes I just watched him as his concentration went back to the road ahead.
‘Your nan, Amy. I wanna meet her, but I don’t want to be the cause of any problems for her.’
I looked at the serious expression on his face and felt my forehead pull into a frown at his words. ‘What? Stop joking around. You’re coming, believe me when I say you’re everything my nan has always wanted me to bring home and you’re coming in.’
‘Okay, I’m looking forward to spending time with her… she’s brought up an amazing woman and I wanna say thanks.’
I looked at him, once again speechless at his words.
‘Thank you,’ I whispered to him and then I looked ahead again. Every feeling he conjured up inside me was now caught at the back of my throat, making it difficult to speak and forcing my eyes to fill with happy emotions. I managed to clear my throat just in time to give him the last direction. ‘It’s just over there on the left.’ I pointed out of my side of the car.
He followed my pointing finger and a few minutes later he was pulling into the carpark. I started to shift in my seat as I got ready to get out, when his hand gently caught my arm to make me turn towards him.
‘Tonight, you’re staying with me. I have some things I wanna tell you about, and I want you in my arms when we talk.’ He switched off the engine and looked at me with intent. ‘Okay?’ he questioned.
‘Okay by me.’ I’d hated growing closer to him over the last few days and not being able to spend the nights in his arms. I had my own reasons for wanting to spend the night with him, I wanted to show him that I no longer needed to run.
Our conversation halted. My eyes caught sight of the doorway as Tina opened it in welcome, she lifted her arm to wave at us and stood waiting. Daniel jumped out and was quickly around to help me down.
‘Afternoon,’ she greeted us as we walked in.
‘Hi Tina, this is Daniel.’ He held out his hand to shake hers. She took his hand and as they shook, I saw her take in everything about the devastatingly handsome man I had brought with me. I recognised. right at that minute, that I would have to get used to the way women stared at him. I swallowed down the sudden need to mark him as mine in some way, just so they could all see and never doubt that he belonged with me.
‘I guessed as much. Nice to meet you, Daniel. Before you go and see Vera can you both follow me through to the office for a moment?’ She gave me a smile, trying to get me to relax, but it was in vain. Her looking out for us and taking me to the office when I visited my nan, was not normal procedure. We followed her inside the small, well used looking room. She waved an arm to gesticulate that we could sit down and I followed her direction. Daniel stood behind me, holding on to the back of my chair as if he was trying to reassure me he was still there.
‘Don’t look so worried. I have a couple of things I need to discuss with you. Firstly, unfortunately Vera has another bladder infection. As you know it makes the dementia worse.’ I nodded at her and sighed. These, like many other things, were becoming more frequent. ‘And Dr. Carpenter and I were reviewing Vera’s case yesterday, Amy. There is no easy way to say this, but we need you to prepare for the fact that her dementia has now worsened to the degree that she won’t be coming back home in four weeks’ time, as originally planned.’
I heard myself breathe in and out with shaky movements. I pulled my jumper further up my shoulder, to cover the flesh I had happily exposed earlier. I was suddenly feeling very vulnerable. If I was honest with myself, inside I had already known what she was going to say. When I had been looking after my nan, sometimes her dementia had been so bad she would let herself out of the shop at night and go wandering through the village in her dressing gown. She had at times, been a danger to herself and unfortunately to me. When I was down in the shop without her, I had to turn off the gas upstairs, so she couldn’t cook something and then find that she had accidentally left the gas on. Although I had adapted to her needs, it was always in the back of my mind that one day she would take me by surprise and do something I hadn’t worked out a contingency plan for. It was scary caring for her a times, but at other times it was so incredibly humbling and I really couldn’t think of anything I wanted more in my life than to care for the woman who had given me her all.
‘If I’m willing to look after her, surely that’s up to me?’ I pushed into her conversation.
‘I’m afraid not, Amy.’ Her voice now had a gentle tone to it as she tried to reassure me. ‘Vera has left express instructions to the contrary. She had long conversations with us about her care and when she wanted us to step in to relieve you. To be quite honest with you, several things have happened over the last few months that have caused us to nearly intervene. We know how much you love her and she you. But having her here for the last two weeks has given us the time we needed to reassess her and now we have to go with her signed instructions for her care.’
‘Yes, of course you do.’ The happy emotional tears that had welled in my eyes earlier, now spilt rapidly down my cheeks as my pain and hurt raced each other to my jaw line. I felt the rings on Daniel’s fingers as he began to rub my shoulders, trying to comfort me.
‘I’m so sorry, Amy… we both know what a cruel illness this is. She has never wanted you to put your life on hold to care for her twenty-four hours a day.’
‘But I would.’
‘She knows that, Amy and that’s precisely why she wrote down her wishes a while ago.’ Tina picked up a tissue box and offered them to me. I pulled a couple from the top and let the conversation wash over me for a few seconds, while I wiped at my face.
A week had passed since I’d closed my nan’s shop and at the time I’d had the feeling that it would be fo
r the last time. Thoughts ran quickly through my head. I knew what I had to do now. I had to come to terms with her wishes and as soon as possible I needed to put the only home I’d ever known up for sale to pay for her care.
I wouldn’t let her down.
I leant my head onto Daniel’s hand as he continued to rub my shoulder in reassurance, and let his warmth embrace me.
‘Tina, could you just give us a few minutes please?’ I heard his strong, assertive voice break through my pain-filled haze as he addressed Tina and I watched her stand up from behind the desk she had sat down at.
‘Of course, take all the time you need. I’ll go and sit with Vera. Come and find us when you’re ready.’ I heard the door click gently shut as she left us.
Daniel moved around to stand in front of me. I put my hands into his front pockets and pulled him towards me as I rested my forehead against him.
Still the tears flowed. I sniffed, trying to clear the way to be able to form words.
‘I don’t know what to say to you? All I seem to do is cry. I’m so sorry, I know you didn’t sign up for all of this. I’m high maintenance. New relationships aren’t supposed to be like this.’ I sniffed again, so I could carry on talking. ‘I’m sure they’re all fun and laughter and seeing each other in the best light, with none of life’s complications?’
‘Then those relationships are false, aren’t they? Real life is fucking complicated, painful and sometimes it’s almost too much to fucking bare. Unless you’ve got someone by your side to help carry the burden.’
I looked up at him in question and he gently held my face in his hands as he used his thumbs to swipe across my cheekbones, brushing away my tears.
‘Amy, this between us isn’t new, it’s as old as time itself. I know you and you know me. My soul recognised yours the first moment I saw you and I know that you in turn recognised mine. I know deep down that I’ve found you many times before, in many different lives. And I fucking promise you, I’d search for you a million times over again. It doesn’t matter where we live or what our names are. My only regret is not fucking finding you sooner in this lifetime… Now, come here.’ He took hold of my waist and lifted me up into his arms. Once again, he was carrying me, although his feet remained still. He was holding me up as he supported me and offered me his strength. His arms had tightened around my body until we’d moulded together, almost as one. I buried my face into the layers of clothes at his neckline, and used the warm air coming away from his body to breathe in the smell of Christmas his cologne constantly reminded me of. I began to calm down as I felt the pulse in his neck beat out its reassuring rhythm.
Brody (Default Distraction Book 1) Page 18
