Only a week into their relationship and he was ready to open up about something potentially devastating. A deep breath of crisp mountain air cleared her mind and restored her sense of peace.
“I’m glad you don’t want any secrets. I mean, you already know about my childhood. Not to mention my mom and her messes. I want to know everything about you, too.” She placed her palm on his forearm and squeezed lightly before sliding her hand down to entwine with his. “It seems like whatever’s on your mind is pretty big.”
“It is. And it’s a long story. But I already told you that I can see something really amazing growing between us. I can see a future here, and I already care about you in a way I haven’t felt in a really, really long time.”
She propped her chin on his shoulder, looking at his profile before leaning in to graze his rough cheek with a soft kiss. Oh, this man. God, give us both the right words here.
“I feel the same way,” she reassured him. Gina waited patiently until he returned her gaze. They held still like that a moment, and she waited for his deep blue eyes to finish searching for whatever it was he’d hoped to find in hers.
“I was married, once.”
Well, that wasn’t something she’d expected to hear, but it certainly filled in a few blanks in what she knew about him.
“What happened?”
“Uh, that’s a long story.” Jaydon inhaled deeply and exhaled sharply. “A really long story, and I’m pretty sure it’s going to wear me out. Can we hike back and head to my place? Do you mind? I hate to make you wait in suspense.”
“Obviously, I’m curious. But since I know you’re going to tell me about it soon enough, I can handle waiting. Besides,” she paused to look up at the darkening sky, “clouds are moving in and my butt’s cold here on this rock.”
“Well, we can’t have that, now can we?”
Jaydon scanned the sky as well and added, “Those clouds are moving in fast. We’d better hurry. I have a feeling it’s going to rain.”
Sure enough, half an hour later they began to feel scattered droplets and picked up the pace. Just as they broke through the tree line, it turned into a shower that set them running to the truck. They barely made it inside when a crash of thunder shook the vehicle and it started pouring.
They spent the drive back mostly in silence, Gina understanding his need for concentration. She could tell he was deep inside his own head, mentally preparing for the coming conversation, and she didn’t dare distract him from carefully navigating the twists and turns down the steep, narrow road in the pouring rain.
Her clothes were only partially damp, but there were enough thoroughly soaked areas that even the little bit of airflow from the heater only made her colder. By the time they’d arrived back at his house, she was shivering uncontrollably.
Jaydon turned off the ignition and turned to face her. His eyes widened as he took her in, and he practically jumped from the truck. Thankfully the rain was now only a trickle as he pulled her door open and helped her down.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were freezing?! Let’s get you inside.”
He wrapped his arm around her and tucked her into his side as they scrambled to the door.
“I’m—ok-kay,” she stuttered through a shiver.
He guided her to the couch and reached into the coffee table that was really a storage ottoman for a blanket. He wrapped it around her shoulders and rubbed his hands up and down her crossed arms. She loved the way he put everything else aside to take care of her.
Their eyes collided and he stilled. She could see his worry for her in the dark crystal depths of his gaze, then watched them soften as his face reflected deep affection. She pulled the oversized blanket around and motioned with her head for him to join her on the sofa.
“It’s big enough to cover both of us.”
He shook his head and rose to his feet instead.
“In a minute. First, let’s warm you up. Coffee?”
Tea sounded better, actually, but she hadn’t known a guy yet who kept anything more than plain iced tea bags on hand. Nodding, she rewrapped herself in the huge, fuzzy blanket. It made her look like a charcoal gray walrus, but it was warm. She’d finally stopped shivering by the time she’d gathered it around herself enough to follow Jaydon into his kitchen.
Gina watched him move efficiently between the water dispenser on the fridge and the coffeemaker. He had a single serve machine, so refilling and waiting for it to heat took very little time. He silently handed her a warm, nearly full mug, which she gratefully accepted and took to the refrigerator for creamer.
Moments later they were snuggled up in opposing corners of his extra-deep couch, their legs and feet tangling across the middle cushion. She grinned when he spread his long legs to tuck his feet between her tush and the back cushion and then mimicked his position.
Finally, she was warm again. Gina thought of the crazy rainstorm that had come out of nowhere. Next week would probably be shorts weather. True story.
“Thanks for warming me up.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were freezing in the truck. I had a jacket in the back I could have given you. Or I could have turned the heater up.”
“Don’t worry about it. I was mostly fine. You needed to concentrate on the drive.”
“Yeah, but I should’ve—”
“Jaydon!” she interrupted. “I’m okay. You don’t need to beat yourself up over a little bit of shivering. I’m perfectly capable of speaking up or adjusting the heater if I’d needed to.”
She felt his body relax by degrees. “You’re right.”
“What was that?” she grinned.
“You heard me perfectly well and you know it.” He grinned back. “You actually have a valid point, though. I tend to beat myself up over a lot of things I shouldn’t. It’s an old habit, and actually provides the perfect segue into what I need to tell you about my marriage.”
“All right then.” She gave a mock regal hand motion for him to continue. “You may begin.”
Jaydon ducked his head and shook it side to side, but she could see the grin on his handsome face. He dragged both hands down his face and through his semi-trimmed beard.
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Darn right.”
She loved how they were able to bring levity to one another and tease, even when they both knew things were serious or difficult. She’d never had that kind of relationship with someone. Even with Brynn, the serious things were serious, the fun things fun. Jaydon seemed to bring out the playfulness in her, and he knew just what to say to lighten the mood easily. She didn’t understand how she managed to reciprocate that with him—he just brought it out of her.
Jaydon heaved a heavy sigh and frowned in concentration, clearly unsure where to begin.
“How about you start at the very beginning. That’s usually a good place.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know.” Another deep sigh. “Okay. I met Kelly while I was still in school. I was completing my MDiv—that’s Masters of Divinity—up at Denver Seminary. I was going to this church up there and we met through some mutual friends. For a while, we were just friends, really. The whole gang of us would get together and hang out in our spare time or study together. She was a student at one of the other universities, going for her Journalism Studies degree. She had big plans to be a news anchor.
“I didn’t notice anything at first. She seemed sweet. I thought she was genuine, both in her treatment of others and her faith. She was driven, socially conscious, fashionable, and fun. We started dating and I thought I’d met the woman of my dreams.
“Anyway, before graduation, I popped the question. She spent the summer planning a huge wedding. I’ll confess, I was a little nervous at her bridezilla behavior and how demanding she became over every little detail. Being a fool in love, I dismissed it as simply wedding stress. But she was obsessed with everything being perfect.
“She put us both on crazy diets. I’m not a small guy, never have been. I’v
e had to special order most of my wardrobe since I was nineteen. It’s never bothered me—never even crossed my mind that she might have a problem with it.
“After the wedding, I thought everything would go back to normal. We stayed up in Denver so she could get her Masters while interning for a local news station. I found a position in a little church near campus. In my mind, we could finally relax and start our ‘real’ lives.
“Her behavior continued to escalate over the first couple of years. Again, I thought it was just stress. But she became increasingly critical of every little thing. When I’d call her on it, she’d fly off the handle and tell me I just didn’t understand her. She was special, she was going places, she had an image to maintain. And then, she’d start sobbing uncontrollably.
“The only way to calm her down was constant reassurance. It felt like one minute she was an arrogant, entitled, self-important diva climbing the ladder to her dreams…and then the next, she was despondent, insecure, and crippled by her need for security and affirmation.
“She began to get angry with her professors, mentors, and bosses, insisting they were trying to keep her down, denying her her ‘big break.’ I worried that she might be bipolar or would develop an eating disorder with the way she tried to control everything. Finally, I convinced her to see a psychologist, suggesting that maybe she’d be able to gain insight into managing her ‘stress.’”
Gina shifted her position on the couch. She scooted closer to Jaydon, still holding his hand in hers. He stopped talking for a moment and closed his eyes. She wanted to pour all of her heart into his to fortify him enough to keep going. No doubt he’d endured so much and it wasn’t easy for him to basically relive it in the telling.
“Do you need a break?” she asked gently.
“No, thanks. Do you?”
“I’m good. Keep going.”
“After meeting with us both, listening to each of us individually explain things from our perspective, and hearing about our first three tumultuous years of marriage, the shrink diagnosed her with narcissistic personality disorder. I’d always heard people talk about narcissists, but always as a dismissive, joking label for conceited people. I had no idea it was a clinical diagnosis. I was completely blindsided.
“We went home with a schedule for therapy and a stack of information. I poured over every page. Meanwhile, she got worse. There was Kelly Cooper-Bennett, journalist and future media darling, when we were in public. At home, there was Kelly, cruel, verbally abusive, critical, self-medicating mess. At one point I found prescription bottles with other people’s names on them—high dose anti-depressants and mood stabilizers—which she said helped her feel more even. If anything, they made her more erratic. She’d criticize my lowly pastoral job one minute, and insist I wasn’t showing her enough support the next. It was awful.
“Eventually, by about the fourth year, I’d worn out the carpet in the hall and my knees from all the pacing and prayer. I reached a point where I begged God for permission to leave her and come home to Albuquerque. I felt alone and isolated from my family—who she despised for being beneath her. I even visited a lawyer and had him draw up the papers. I couldn’t see going on like that anymore if she wasn’t going to get real help. Yet I kept praying.
“Kelly was actually the one to move out first. She just disappeared. After that, I came home and started working as my dad’s associate pastor. The timing for the transition, the position, everything felt orchestrated; like God was blessing me with permission, even though I know divorce grieves his heart. When I came home, I was half the man I’d once been—emotionally and physically. I’d lost so much weight just worrying about her and trying to make her happy. I felt like a complete failure, unable to help her and ashamed I waited so long to leave. I finally acknowledged her verbal abuse and how I’d allowed her to control me.
“Still, I wasn’t fully free. Kelly refused to sign the divorce papers. Eventually, I completely lost touch with her and had no idea what was going on in her life. And yet, I kept praying.”
He stood up then, and Gina followed him into the kitchen. He brewed another cup of coffee and cocked an eyebrow. She shook her head.
“I’m good. Any more and I’ll be up all night.”
“It’s decaf.”
She leaned her hip against the counter and didn’t let her eyes leave him.
“It’s okay, I still have half a cup here,” she raised her mug. “Want me to make yours?”
“Nah, I need to keep my hands busy.”
She could never sit still when she was talking through a big issue, either.
“So anyway,” he breathed heavily in and slowly out. Finally, after emptying half his cup, Jaydon continued.
“A few months later, she found me here,” he looked around the kitchen.
“Here, here?” she questioned, motioning to the house with her head.
“Yeah. I was tired of putting my life on hold and living in a lousy apartment. Didn’t want to live with my parents. Kind of held out hope that God would perform a miracle and bring her around. Ended up doing a lease-agreement with the owner to eventually buy the place.”
She nodded. It had been an option she’d considered at first, too, but had finally decided to wait until she could save enough and qualify on her own to buy straight off. She’d lucked out with a foreclosure that was worth far more now.
“Anyway, Kelly showed up one day out of the blue, apologetic and humble. Said she knew she’d made so many mistakes. I’d always thought we shared a faith, but she revealed that up until several weeks before, she’d been faking it. The story went, she hit rock bottom after spending our months apart in a medicated stupor, trying to escape fierce depression. She was let go from the news station and had taken some freelance jobs to make ends meet. One of her few remaining friends encouraged her to come back to church—something we’d always fought about because she’d stopped going early on—and God somehow got ahold of her.
“I let her move in while we worked toward reconciliation, and it was really bumpy. Touch and go for a good while, but I never stopped praying. I wanted to. God knows I wanted to give up completely. I was almost bitter deep in my heart, yet still fighting to do whatever it took to keep our marriage intact. She was trying, too, for the first time in nearly five years. Every week she was going to therapy and making slow progress. We finally reached a point where it felt like it had before we got married. Things were better than they’d ever been. Not perfect, but better.”
He dropped his head into his hands, then, his elbows supporting the weight right there on the kitchen table. Stunned, she couldn’t move. This incredible, beautiful, broken man. Her heart turned in her chest and she realized that it wouldn’t take much for this whole thing to blossom into full-blown love. She was already halfway there. His pain was becoming her pain, and she wanted to take it all from him. How did feelings this big happen this fast?
Jaydon sniffed loudly and cleared his throat, uncomfortable at the display of emotion and struggling to contain it. She dragged her chair noisily across the tile and forced his chair to turn toward her until her legs fit between his. He dragged his sleeve across his eyes and blinked a few times. She peered into the depths of his ocean blue eyes and felt the incredible pain there, so intense she had to hold back a gasp.
“I had a pastor’s conference one weekend, just before our fifth anniversary. We planned to celebrate with a renewal of vows ceremony in the church and a real honeymoon.”
He cleared his throat and shifted in his chair.
“Do you remember asking me if I’d ever had someone I cared about act a certain way for so long, and then they just…changed? For me, that someone was Kelly. She changed twice. Brutal both times, even when it was for the better.”
Gina knew something bad was coming next and braced herself.
“How does this story end, Jay?” She grabbed his clenched fists in her hands and rubbed them softly with her thumbs. His head was hung low, so she leaned her forehead
to touch his.
“That weekend, while I was at my conference, she decided to drive back up to Denver to officially get the last of her things and move here. She never made it home. Fell asleep at the wheel and crossed right into the path of a semi in the dark.”
Gina couldn’t hold back the gasp. It was so much worse than she’d thought. Tragic. Horrific. She wouldn’t have been surprised by a relapse, an overdose, or even a sudden disappearance. People did that all the time, especially hurting people with mental health issues.
But a tragic accident after working so hard to get her life back?
Gina felt for Kelly Cooper-Bennett in that moment. Her heart ached for the loss Jaydon must feel. To regain it all only to lose it forever.
But then Jaydon went on in a near whisper.
“The hardest part, though? What I really struggle with? It isn’t missing her or mourning her. It’s that even though we’d started to reconcile, I was still…relieved…almost. Deep down, I knew that the progress she’d made might only be temporary. I knew she still didn’t approve of me being a humble pastor, or gaining weight, which I did after coming home. She was still driven to perfection and success and would never fully give up her dreams of fame and stardom. Those things were ingrained into who she was.
“I was so happy that she’d turned her life over to God—genuinely, I hope, but I still kept a part of myself back from her. I never fully gave her my heart back. And she died, thinking I was all in.”
His eyes were rimmed in red and shadows of dark, dark blue. The guilt was tearing him apart, and she needed to help him but was clueless as to how. Gina rose out of her chair and sat sideways on his legs to be as close to him as she needed to be in the moment.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned her head on his shoulder. He slowly circled his arms around her and they just sat like that, giving and receiving comfort like oxygen. The urge to pray for him came out of nowhere, strong and undeniable.
“Father, thank you for bringing Jaydon into my life. Please comfort this incredible man. Bring him peace. Lord, you know his heart, his thoughts. You know everything he is feeling and has been feeling.”
Whatever Comes Our Way (Everyday Love Book 2) Page 15
