by Rita Black
With either of these scenarios, the Weight Struggler moves quickly to Step 5.
Step 5: Going Off “Being Good.”
Somewhere in the “being good” phase, as willpower or resolve diminishes, the Weight Struggler will inevitably eat some “bad food” (that food being whatever the Weight Struggler’s Inner Critic deems is off limits.) The explosion of sugar and/or fat in the Weight Struggler’s mouth causes a chain reaction of pleasure. It’s as if fireworks are exploding in the brain!
The fat thinking part of the brain kicks into action, and the phone starts ringing again for more of the fattening food. It doesn’t take long before the pleasure of enjoying the food gives way to the Inner Critic’s shaming admonishments. “Look at what you did! You were doing so good, and you blew it!”
Step 6: Feeling Bad.
It’s upsetting to feel like we have blown it when trying to diet. Then the need to seek shelter from the Inner-Critic-induced feelings of guilt and shame arises. That stressful ringing phone of habit now expects and wants more of the fattening and comforting food, leaving a perfect opening for the Inner Rebel to step in and begin his seduction.
The Weight Struggle Cycle: The “Being Bad” Phase
There are a few important moments between the “Being Good” phase and “Being Bad” phase. In this short but important time frame, we have a choice to get back on track or give up. Weight Masters will stop, take a breath, and get back on track. This is the key to consistency and weight mastery. (You will be learning how to do this soon—I promise!) Weight Strugglers move on to Step 7.
Step 7 Screw It, Start Over Tomorrow.
This is the most common habit that’s wired into the Weight Struggler’s brain. There’s an almost immediate sense of relief at being off the diet hook and having the license to eat without guilt and shame.
The more times the Weight Struggler falls off a diet, the more the “I blew it, so screw it!” response is reinforced in the Weight Struggler’s mind, making the cycle almost impossible to avoid. The pleasure in the release and relief from the restriction of the diet is undeniable. The problem is what follows in the next step.
Step 8 Eat: with Reckless Abandon.
The eating train has left the station and is moving forward with the powerful habit of “eat tonight because tomorrow is deprivation day!”
Without even fully experiencing the taste of food or its initial pleasure, the Weight Struggler gives oneself permission to eat “whatever,” which usually means whatever foods have been off limits.
Next, after the Inner Rebel is satiated from eating all that bad food and is groggily sitting in the corner, the Inner Critic wakes up, refreshed and ready to bring on reality. The Weight Struggler now feels guilty and anxious about being so out of control, and reboots the cycle.
WHY DOES BEING BAD FEEL SO GOOD?
So you ate something you shouldn’t have and spoiled your eating plan? You promise to start over tomorrow, and all of a sudden you feel great! Here are some reasons why:
1. The promise for future goodness absolves present badness.When our mind anticipates our being good in the future (like going on a strict diet Monday), the neurotransmitter dopamine floods our brain and makes us feel good. In our mind we feel virtuous, as if we were already being good even though it’s Sunday night and we are polishing off that last slice of pizza!
2. You pick up the agitating ringing phone of “start over tomorrow.” Remember your old friend habit and how a cue, like a ringing phone, triggers the urge to pick it up? “Feeling bad” acts as a trigger that compels us to “start over.” Pretty tricky, huh? Just like picking up the phone brings relief from the agitation of the ringing, the mind mistakes the feeling of relief for pleasure or relaxation.
3. You get to break the bonds of a restrictive diet and eat whatever you want! When surrounded by tempting high fat, sugary foods, you may feel a huge wave of additional arousal as your pleasure neurotransmitters become stimulated. Dr. David Kessler in his book, The End of Overeating, calls this phenomenon “hyper-stimulation.”
Chart B: The Weight Struggle Cycle
The entire Weight Struggle Cycle may last hours, days, or months, but it all boils down to one thing: fat thinking. It drives the perpetual weight struggle. No diet or exercise regime, magic pill, or combination of foods will cure it. Every time the Weight Struggler goes through the cycle, it becomes stronger.
Making The Shift To Weight Mastery
Now you understand that it is not necessarily your own personal shortcomings that have prevented you from long-term weight success but that over time your mind has become wired with:
Beliefs
Habits
Negative self-talk
The part of your mind that has been wired for fat thinking has grown strong over time. That is why no matter what you do, you keep coming back to the same place of weight struggle. Luckily, as your mind has been wired for fat thinking, you can now shift it to thin thinking and weight mastery.
WEIGHT STRUGGLE SUM UP: The Weight Struggle Cycle
The Weight Struggle Cycle consists of two phases: “Being Good” and “Being Bad.” These two phases are made of a pattern of steps that are driven by fat thinking beliefs, habits, and emotions.
The Inner Critic and Inner Rebel keep the Weight Struggler moving through the steps of this cycle again and again and again.
The next chapter begins the Weight Mastery part of The Orientation and examines how the mind can be shifted from fat to thin thinking and details the specific steps of DECIDING TO START THE WEIGHT MASTERY JOURNEY.
THE ORIENTATION:
Weight Mastery
Ah, mastery… what a profoundly satisfying feeling when one finally gets on top of a new set of skills… and then sees the light under the new door those skills can open, even as another door is closing.
—Gail Sheehy
CHAPTER 9
THE DARKEST HOUR IS JUST BEFORE THE “DUH!”
Deciding To Start The Weight Mastery Journey
W hen you read about or speak to a man or woman who has been successful with weight loss in the long-term, there is usually a defining moment at some point in their ”story” where they made a decision to come at their weight from a different place. Instead of struggling with their weight, they decided to take personal ownership for the changes they needed to make in order to get healthy and release weight. In an instant, he or she shifted from being a victim of their weight problem to a master of their weight release journey.
Statistics from the Bureau of Justice show that 77 percent of released prisoners eventually end up back in prison. Is this because the prisoners love prison? No, but prison is what they have become used to, so when they’re on the street with nowhere to go and no new way of thinking of themselves in the world, 77 percent get pulled into the same behaviors that landed them in prison in the first place.
Living with a weight struggle is like living in a prison of self-abuse and dysfunction. Unfortunately, painful as it may be, this relationship becomes familiar, even comfortable. Dieting seems to offer a way out, but usually the pull of the unconscious mind, which only knows the familiar beliefs, habits, and emotions of the weight struggle, exerts a powerful pull.
The Weight Struggler is a victim of beliefs that the answer to becoming thin is external. Somewhere out there, something in a pill, a diet, a combination of foods, or an exercise regime will end the struggle.
Psychologists say a person who believes the solution to a problem lies outside of them has an external locus of control.
In contrast, a person with an internal locus of control believes she has the ability to create the outcomes in life and that her destiny lies in her own hard work and determination. Therefore, the first step toward weight mastery is to make the decision to shift from an external locus of control to an inner locus of control. That is what happened to me
on that March morning in my thirtieth year when one small but powerful decision shifted my mind and my weight destiny forever.
My Life in Prison
Throughout the 20 years I struggled with my weight, many different and exciting things were happening to me. I received a college scholarship; moved from Seattle to New York; met my husband Simon, fell in love with him, and married; lived with him in London; moved to sunny Los Angeles; and finally settled down.
From the outside, my life appeared happy and normal. Inside, though, was another matter. My fat thinking mind was relentless, keeping me in a weight struggle that never let me fully participate in my life. You could say I was a fairly functional hostage of fat thinking.
My husband and I were close, but my thoughts and obsessing about my weight definitely got in the way of our being intimate. My finances were not the best, because I spent a hell of a lot of money on diet food, products, and schemes. I was obsessed: Thinking about my weight, my body, trying to fix my weight, failing to fix my weight, and then trying something else to fix my weight. At 30, my weight struggle was becoming a full-time career.
I did think I was going insane, but even going to therapy didn’t help shift me out of my fat thinking prison. After a few years in therapy, I did get to the root of why I ate. My therapist and I explored my childhood, my insecurities, and my emotions. But unfortunately, I still overate, felt bad, tried to cut back on calories, failed, and stayed in the same old rut of what I now know was a Weight Struggle Cycle.
The Overeaters Anonymous (OA) community offered some relief, but I found the first of the twelve steps of OA—“I am powerless over food”—depressing. How could I feel powerless over something I needed to do in order to live?
I believe in this first step for those with substance abuse disorder or who are addicted to gambling. You can live without drugs and alcohol and leave gambling behind completely. But it didn’t make sense to admit powerlessness over food.
I also struggled with the idea of abstinence and having to begin abstaining all over when you had a slip-up. I seemed to go even deeper into an all-or-nothing attitude. My Inner Critic and Inner Rebel must have had a heyday with that one. “I blew my abstinence! I am never going to get OA right. Oh well, I will start again on Monday and be perfect in OA. So, I might as well eat everything that isn’t on my abstinence plan until then.”
A lot of people find help in therapy and OA, but those roads to freedom were just not the ones that helped me. After trying OA, therapy, and every diet on the planet, I was convinced of three things:
I am insane.
I am a failure.
There is nothing or no one in the world that can help me.
Prison Break
I remember the day my initial “shift” happened. I awoke that morning and immediately got on the scale because I was four days into another diet. Was it going to be a good day? For me, if the scale was down it was a good day. If the scale was up, it was a lousy one. Lo and behold, it was down! Ding, ding, ding! The scale said I won! I was two pounds down!
However, instead of celebrating, I stood there on the scale as the depths of this 20-year nightmarish struggle hit me hard. I felt a wave of grief and fear sweep over me. I was awash in the loneliness of my weight struggle, self-hatred, cruel words, and feelings of deprivation. This was nothing to celebrate.
There I was, standing on the scale like a madwoman in some sort of frenzied need to find my worth in a stupid number. The truth was that even if I did reach my goal weight I knew that I couldn’t stay on the stupid diet du jour. I couldn’t do it anymore. Forget wanting the thin body part, I just couldn’t live in that head anymore, that all-or-nothing, good-or-bad head.
I sat down on that scale in my bathroom in Santa Monica and began to cry. I cried and cried. I cried for the times I beat myself up. I cried for the binges I had been on. I cried for my husband and my family and the relationships I had been “phoning in” because my relationship with my Weight Struggle Cycle had been more important. I cried because I felt alone and scared. There was no one out there who could help me. There was no diet that was going to put things right. There was no therapist or guru who was going to save me.
I cried and cried for what seemed like an hour. Then in a silent moment, a small voice arose inside of me. It was not harsh like my Inner Critic or seductive like my Inner Rebel. This voice, though faint, seemed nurturing and wise. It was coming from a place deep inside of me.
“Never again,” it said.
“Huh?” I asked, not quite sure what I was hearing.
“You are never going to diet again.”
I sat quietly and listened.
“Stop looking outside for the answer. You have to create the answer within yourself. But first you have to decide not to diet. Decide to become successful and strong instead. You have got to be the source of your own change. You have got to do this…and you can. I believe in you.”
I understood this voice from an emotional place. I felt a serenity and calm sweep over me.
This was another part of me that was coming to the front of my mind and communicating so powerfully with me. This new voice wanted to guide me, believed in me, and wanted me to embark on a new path altogether. This was the voice that I now call my Inner Coach.
My Inner Coach was urging me not to diet, not to be a victim of my weight ever again. My Inner Coach was guiding me to leave the weight struggle behind and take back my power from all the diets and other things that I had given it to. I decided to begin my own journey forward.
A few months previously, I had successfully stopped smoking with one session of hypnosis. Until then, I had tried and failed to quit for years, However, once I decided I was a non-smoker in the state of hypnosis I focused on being a non-smoker. There was no tension in being a non-smoker, just the ability to move forward into freedom.
So, I concluded, my Inner Coach was guiding me to decide to shift from my usual way of thinking, which was keeping me overweight and struggling, to a new way of thinking that allowed me freedom and health. In this new way of life, I would focus on feeding myself and moving my body in a way that allowed me to be healthy and slim. I didn’t have to be thin to love myself. Rather because I loved myself, I deserved to take good care of myself and learn to master this area of my life and be confident and free.
I needed to shift my relationship to myself, too. I moved from giving my power to diets and food to giving the power to myself. How was I going to do this? I had no idea, but I decided in that moment to begin my journey. I got up off the scale and walked out of the dark, dank prison cell of fat thinking and began my shift into the light of thin thinking.
WEIGHT MASTERY SUM UP: Decide to Start the Weight Mastery Journey
To begin making the shift from fat to thin thinking, you need to DECIDE to commit to the journey out of the weight struggle and into weight mastery. This puts the power in your hands by shifting your mind from that of a passive victim of circumstances to active creator of your own destiny. This changes how you perceive yourself and your behavior.
MAKING YOUR SHIFT In the Start the Journey section of this book. I will guide you through four distinctive mental shifts, using reading, writing, hypnosis, and visualization exercises. This will allow you to step out of the painful but familiar weight struggle, shut the door on the prison of fat thinking, and move forward on your journey to weight mastery.
“I love that I am now in control of my weight destiny. I would never think of myself as a victim of circumstances in other areas of my life, but I now see how much of a victim I allowed myself to be with my weight. The moment I decided to master my weight instead of struggling with it was the moment I knew I would succeed.” Kayesha W. (Released 83 pounds, maintaining for 6 months.)
Once you have made the decision to leave your weight struggle behind, you are going to need an inner resource to guide you to that new way of
thinking and reinforce weight mastery in your subconscious mind. Let’s look at how you will begin—THE INNER COACH.
CHAPTER 10
SHOWING UP FOR YOURSELF
The Inner Coach
W hen on a journey of change, bumping into some obstacles is unavoidable. Weight Strugglers often allow these obstacles to be stumbling blocks, and the struggler gives into the voice of the Inner Critic who says, “You failed again!” Instead of learning from mistakes, the Weight Struggler vows to start over, hoping to do better next time, without ever learning anything except to be more self-critical.
The key to success for most Weight Masters is to shift their negative “I give up!” self-talk into a problem-solving, self-motivating way of speaking with themselves. I call this more evolved self-talk communicating with your Inner Coach.
This way of communicating with yourself creates a powerful inner dialogue that is focused on creating a vision of support and respect. Having a good relationship with your Inner Coach creates a secure and stable foundation. It allows you the respect and freedom to make mistakes, learn from them, and progress forward to weight mastery.
In Search Of…
The days that followed my decision to shift my thinking were a little foggy at first. The good news was that I wasn’t dieting or obsessing about my weight. I wasn’t even struggling, because I was now coming from a different place. I wasn’t a victim anymore. I was learning and seeking answers for myself. I was, without really knowing it at the time, a student of Weight Mastery. I felt sure that the key to success was listening to this new voice I was finding inside of me.
I remembered a time when my husband Simon and I were living in London a few years earlier. Simon worked for an investment firm while writing his second novel. His boss was a charming man who had a lovely wife. Joan loved to entertain. She often invited us over to their luxury flat in Chelsea for lavish parties where we all smoked cigarettes, drank gin and tonics, and ate super-rich foods. Ah, the good old days!
