MY WORLD SPUN. “WHAT?”
“Yeah, I was pretty freaked myself. He’s been lying this whole time—letting me spill my guts about the Locos when he’s one of their enemies. It’s fucked-up. If Animale hadn’t pulled up his mask, I still wouldn’t know he was a Destino.”
“Wait a minute—he was wearing a mask? Are you sure it was even Mateo?”
“A hundred percent sure. And yeah, the Destinos wear ski masks. That’s their MO. They wear them because they don’t want people to know who they really are.”
I had no words. No coherent thoughts. “He . . . he told me he wasn’t in a gang.”
“He lied.”
But had he lied to me? Had Mateo said he wasn’t in a gang or just that he wasn’t in Los Reyes?
“The guy’s slick,” Alex said. “I don’t know why he started hanging out with me in the first place. I guess because he was into you. The Destinos hate the Locos.”
I was the one who’d asked Mateo to hang out with Alex. I’d forced him to, not knowing he was in a rival gang. Why didn’t he just tell me he was a Destino? I would’ve let him off the hook with Alex. I wouldn’t have ratted him out to Luke.
Mateo had seemed so genuine about having turned his life around. How could he have forgotten his experiences with the Reyes and joined another gang?
Or was everything he’d said since he came back into my life bullshit?
My stomach felt sick. I pushed my plate away.
Alex was watching me, regret on his face. “I’ve been debating all week whether to tell you or keep my mouth shut. But even though Mateo helped me out that night, somebody needs to look out for you. You don’t want to be with him if he’s a Destino. They’re a bunch of psychos. Everybody’s scared of them.”
Somehow I’d thought Mateo and I would end up together. Deep down, I’d even convinced myself that helping out my brother was an act of love . . . for me. But if Mateo was in the Destinos, we were over before we’d begun.
I pictured my arms around him in the hospital room, pictured him grabbing my hand. I’d never felt as connected to him as in that moment.
I remembered the night he’d refused to come into my house. I knew he’d wanted me, physically anyway, but he’d held himself back. I understood now. He knew I’d never agree to be with a Destino and that I’d feel betrayed if I ever found out.
“Are you okay?” Alex asked.
I almost laughed. I couldn’t remember the last time Alex cared about how I was feeling. Had the head injury knocked some feeling into him? “I don’t know if I’m okay, to be honest. I guess . . . it’s over with me and Mateo.” There was no use in explaining to Alex that we weren’t actually together since we’d let him believe that we were.
“I’m sorry, Grace. I thought you should know.”
“Of course. You did the right thing.”
I wondered if I should tell Alex that I’d blackmailed Mateo into hanging out with him. But I didn’t want him to think that Mateo hadn’t cared about him. Obviously he had, or he wouldn’t have stepped in when another Destino was beating him up.
“I feel like shit about this, but you’re better off,” Alex said.
I nodded. Logically, I was better off. But I wanted to run to the bathroom and cry.
“I promise, I’m done with the Locos. I see who they are now—especially Animale.” He shuddered. “You saw through him right away, but I wouldn’t listen. I’m sorry I was such an asshole to you.”
His words undid me. In a million years I would never have expected an apology from him. Was the old Alex back? That loving kid who’d been crushed by Mom’s death?
I burst into tears.
My dream was coming true. Alex was really turning around.
But Mateo was gone.
Again.
I ran to the bathroom and shut the door, running the tap to muffle my sobs. Why did it have to hurt so much? Why was losing him now just as painful as when I’d lost him back then?
I was supposed to see Mateo tonight at work. He was planning to come over later. I couldn’t handle it. I took out my phone and texted Luke. I’m sorry I’ve missed so much work, but I don’t feel well tonight. I can’t come in. Sorry again.
One night when I wouldn’t have to see Mateo. But what about tomorrow?
The doorbell rang around ten.
Alex cursed and paused his video game. We both knew who it was. I got up, checked the peephole, and opened the door.
Mateo took in my face. “Everything okay? Luke said you called in sick.”
“I’m not sick.”
He moved as if to come in, but I didn’t step out of the way. He frowned. “Your dad still here?”
“Left this morning.”
He saw the coldness on my face. “What is it then?”
“I heard you’re a Destino.”
“What?” He took this in, then shouldered past me and stalked toward Alex. “You little shit.”
“I had to tell her,” Alex insisted. “She has a right to know.”
Mateo looked like he was about to whop his ass. “You don’t know anything about the Destinos. I would’ve explained everything to you if you’d given me the chance. You haven’t been answering calls all week.”
I got between them. “Doesn’t sound like there’s anything to explain. You can do what you want, Mateo. It’s your life.”
“There’s a lot to explain,” he said between gritted teeth.
“I appreciate you helping me out,” Alex said. “I’m sorry Animale tried to shoot you. Yeah, it’s fucked-up. But you never told me you were a Destino. The whole time I was talking about the Locos, I had no idea who I was really talking to.”
Mateo’s lips tightened. “So you think I was spying on you, delivering information to the Destinos? Sorry to break it to you, but you didn’t know shit about what the Locos were doing. You didn’t even know it was a gun shipment until you got there. Am I right?”
Alex’s face reddened.
“I texted you and tried to get you not to go. Don’t you remember?”
Alex hung his head, not saying anything.
“Your boy Animale shot at me and my friends. Lucky he can’t shoot for shit.” He stood in front of Alex, who refused to look at him. “If I’d left you there, you know what would’ve happened? You’d have been arrested. With all the guns and coke in that truck—yeah, there was coke, too—you’d have gotten locked up. You think anybody would care that you’re fifteen? With charges like that, you’d have done time in juvie, then moved to adult. You’d be rotting away in prison just like my brother. Didn’t I show you his letters about his sorry-ass life? I saved you from that. And you repay me by talking shit about me to Grace.”
Alex’s eyes welled up, and he put his hands over his face.
“Leave him alone!” I grabbed Mateo’s arm, trying to pull him away from my brother, but he wouldn’t budge. “You’ve made your point, okay? Just go.”
His head whipped my way, eyes flashing. “I’m not going anywhere. Not until you hear me out.”
The intensity in his eyes made me take a step back. “Fine.” I turned to Alex. “Go upstairs. We’re going to talk.”
Alex ran upstairs.
“It’s your life, Mateo.” I wrung my hands. “It’s my fault, this situation. I’m the one who made you help Alex. But if you’d just told me you were a Destino, I would’ve let you off the hook.”
He looked at me steadily. “The Destinos are an underground gang. We’re not like the Locos, who go around bragging. Nobody knows who we are. I couldn’t tell you. Besides . . .” He took a breath. “I knew I could help Alex after that first night. I wanted to try. I felt bad about walking out of his life, you know. I wanted to make it right.”
I nodded, blinking back tears. “I know.”
“The Destinos aren’t some street gang full of criminals. We do good out there. You can’t compare us to the Locos.”
“Can’t I? So you don’t use violence to get what you want? Because I hear
the Destinos are pretty talented at kicking the shit out of anyone who messes with them. Wasn’t it one of your guys who knocked Alex out?”
His nostrils flared. “Don’t blame my guy for what happened. We were stopping a shipment of guns and drugs that would’ve made its way to the streets. Alex should never have been there in the first place. It’s on him. He’s no victim.” He was standing in front of me now, gripping my shoulders. “Why are you crying?”
“Because . . . you’re a Destino.”
I saw the raw emotion on his face. “And you don’t want me anymore, now that you know,” he said quietly.
My heart was dying in my chest. “You’re killing me, Mateo. Don’t you know that?”
“I know how it feels.”
He hugged me, squeezing me tight. His arms felt as right and perfect as they always had. I loved him—in spite of everything.
I sobbed. “You know I can’t do this.”
He pulled back, searching my eyes. “Can’t you?”
“Of course not! I can’t be with someone in a gang! I want a better life than that. I’ve spent the last year worrying about Alex. Every night I worried that he’d get arrested or end up dead in a ditch somewhere. I can’t do the same with you. I can’t. Didn’t you tell me I should protect myself?”
“I did.” He took a breath. I expected him to argue. I wanted him to. “You’re right.”
I looked at him. So that was it then?
“Please keep my secret,” he said softly.
“I will, but . . .” My words trailed off. Please don’t go. I can’t lose you again.
His lips brushed my forehead, a last good-bye.
Then he moved away, as my heart shattered into a million pieces.
Two nights later, I stood in front of a packed house at Oz Kafé. I scanned the crowd. They were artsy types, cradling specialty coffees, organic teas, and flutes of beer. Nerves coursed through me, but they felt good. It was nice to feel something other than grief over Mateo.
I cleared my throat before stepping up to the mike.
Shut your eyes
Shut your mouth
Shut off the voice
Spinning in your head
Shut the blinds
Shut me out
Find another girl instead.
Shut me down
Shut me off
Snuff me out like a candle flame
Shut the door
Shut your heart
Give me something, just once, instead of pain.
Drive a nail through my hand
And a stake through my heart
Drive yourself, and me, crazy
You have it down to an art.
Take down your walls
Cut off your pride
You always promised
This crazy life
Is a misery ride.
You were right.
By Saturday night, Feenix had had enough. “I wish Mateo would quit,” she said. “Isn’t he a paramedic yet? Can’t he go save some lives?”
Although Feenix didn’t know the details, she knew something serious went down between Mateo and me last weekend. My poem was a dead giveaway, not to mention the fact that we avoided each other like a nasty stomach flu. I was determined not to spiral down a well of sadness like I had when we broke up four years ago. But there was a hole in my chest now. I just couldn’t accept that he belonged to another gang after what the Reyes had put him through. It made no sense.
“Are you gonna tell me what he did to you?” Feenix asked. “That poem of yours was harsh—though undeniably awesome. You guys don’t even talk.” She shuddered. “It’s damn uncomfortable.”
“He didn’t do anything bad. We just decided it wasn’t going to work. Well, I decided.”
“Ah, I get it,” she said, nodding. “And now he thinks you’re a snob for writing him off?”
“I don’t know. But you’re right—it would be nice if he quit this job. I was here first.”
Mateo had said he needed this job. I doubted he’d quit before he started getting paid as a paramedic. Cold turkey would be better than having to avoid him at work. I knew I’d hurt him. But did he have any clue how much he’d hurt me?
I’d lost him to a gang.
Twice.
I’d wanted him to be the hero who could help Alex, but I hadn’t bothered to find out who he really was. My idea that Mateo had reformed had been a fantasy. He’d never put his past behind him. He might’ve been forced to join Los Reyes all those years ago, but he was obviously in the Destinos by choice.
I’d gotten what I wanted, though. Alex had finally turned around. He’d cut off the gang completely. He’d even gone back to school this week without any nagging from me. My prayer had been answered. Losing Mateo was the price.
But why did there always have to be a price?
The one thing he’d asked was that I keep his secret. Being a Destino meant any number of people would want him dead. How could he want that for himself, especially when his brother was spending his life in prison?
“Whaddaya say we go to Luke’s tonight?” Feenix said. “You need to party out the pain.”
“I would, but I want to be home with Alex. He’s pretty lonely.”
Alex had gone from being with the gang daily to being on his own. He wouldn’t be getting back with his pregang friends—not after what he’d done to Leon. Alex confessed to me that he was nervous about going out at all. He was worried about running into Animale.
“You could bring him to Luke’s if you want,” Feenix said. “Kenny could swing by and pick him up.”
“Some time, maybe. I don’t think he’s up for it yet.”
Neither was I. No amount of partying could kill the pain of losing Mateo.
“Wanna watch another one?” Alex asked several hours later.
The clock on the TV said: 12:34 a.m. We’d just seen two episodes of Game of Thrones, and I was so tired I wasn’t sure whose head had been chopped off in the last episode.
Alex was wide awake. He was used to staying up late and wasn’t trying to break the cycle. On weekdays he stayed up half the night, went to school, came home and slept for two hours, then he’d do it all over again.
“I’m zonked.”
“Aw c’mon. It’s not that late. Just one more?”
“All right. One more.” I was stretched out on the couch, and I figured if I drifted off during the show, he’d hardly notice.
At least Alex had found a show that he was into. He was obviously in a funk, and the fact that he still got headaches from the head injury didn’t help. Anything that lifted his mood was a good thing.
Looking over at him, my heart filled up. He still had the baby pudge that made me want to pinch his cheek. I was so happy that he was home and safe—I’d stay up all night with him if I had to. I knew that Mom, wherever she was, would be relieved that he’d gotten away from the gang.
Although I fought to stay awake as the new episode started, my eyelids felt heavy.
A pounding at the door made me burst awake. Thank God we had a deadbolt, or the door would’ve flown off the hinges.
Fear on Alex’s face. “Don’t answer it!” he mouthed, putting a finger over his lips.
The Locos.
I grabbed my phone and turned it on. We didn’t have a landline, and my cell was taking way too long to power up. I had to call 911.
More pounding at the door. Alex grabbed my arm and dragged me behind the couch. “Don’t get near the door. They could shoot through it.”
Finally my phone powered up. I was about to dial 911 when I saw several missed calls and texts from Mateo.
Where are you? 911
Alex in danger.
I’m at your house.
“It’s Mateo,” I said, running toward the door. Confirming it through the peephole, I swung it open. “What’s going on?”
“We don’t have time,” Mateo said. “The Locos are coming for him.”
Alex jumped to his feet. “Now
? They’re coming now?”
Mateo nodded. “We have to go. Get in the car.”
Alex didn’t argue or even stop to put on his sneakers. He grabbed them and ran out the door.
“Are you sure?” I asked Mateo.
His look answered my question.
RUN
MATEO PUT PEDAL TO METAL. He glanced in the rearview mirror at Alex. “They think you’re the snitch.”
“What? What do you mean?”
“The Locos think one of their own snitched about the shipment.”
“And they think it’s me?” Alex shrieked.
“Since you left the gang right after, yeah.”
“Is it because you helped him that night?” I asked, horrified. “If they think he was hanging with a Destino . . .”
“Nobody saw me help him. It was a total shitstorm. No one could be sure.”
“Oh God,” Alex said. “I knew Animale was pissed, so I cut him off. I knew they’d wanna kick my ass but . . . they’re gonna kill me.”
“No, they won’t,” Mateo said. “We’re not gonna let them near you.”
“Where are we going?” Alex asked.
“Atlanta.” Mateo checked his mirrors and changed to the fast lane. “To your dad’s girlfriend’s. You’ll have to lay low there until things calm down.”
“Okay,” Alex said. “Whatever you think.”
“You should contact your dad,” Mateo said to me. “Let him know we’re coming.”
“I don’t know if he’s on the road or at Carol Ann’s for the weekend.” I called Dad, but his phone was off. I left him a message saying we’d decided to take a spontaneous road trip to Atlanta. We’d tell him the truth later.
“Can you get me her address?” Mateo asked.
“I’ll find it,” I said, looking for an Atlanta phone book online. I didn’t know how Carol Ann would react when we showed up on her doorstep, but it was probably our best option. Dad didn’t have much family, just some cousins scattered all over the country. My mom’s family, the Hernandezes, were mostly in Jacksonville, but that would be the natural place for the Locos to look for Alex. All they’d need to do was glance at his Facebook page to spot our Jacksonville relatives. I was suddenly glad I’d never added Carol Ann as a friend.
“What if they find me there?” Alex said.
Run the Risk Page 11
