Luke was telling a story about a childhood encounter with a ghost. He caught me up on the basics before diving in again. “I went to the bathroom in the middle of the night. It was pitch-dark, but my eyes adjusted. I made the mistake of looking in the mirror.”
One of the girls clutched his arm. “The old man in the fedora?”
“Yeah. I saw the outline of him behind me, hat and all. But the weird thing was, even though it was dark, I remember seeing the expression in his eyes.”
The girl gave a little shriek. “Was he angry at you for disrupting his home?”
“No, nothing like that. His eyes were crinkled like he was worried about me. I think he felt sympathy for me.”
“Why?” the girl asked.
His face darkened. “Those were shitty times. My mom had just lost her job and shacked up with a loser. But the worst was to come. Maybe the man in the mirror . . . he knew.”
“I think my mom came back once,” I said, surprising myself for saying it in front of these people. But Luke’s honesty inspired me. “We were packing up her things and I found an old flashlight with no batteries in it. It looked pretty crappy so I threw it in a garbage bag. But when I looked back, it was on, shining through the bag.”
“Sounds like she paid you a visit,” Luke said.
“I’d like to think so.”
I saw Luke glancing down the hallway. Following his gaze, I watched Mateo and that girl slip into the bedroom.
Luke smirked. I gave a shrug, trying to mask my feelings.
Was Mateo really hooking up with her? What the hell?
The girl beside me launched into a ghost story of her own. I spent the next few minutes pretending to listen, but all I wanted to do was cry. I went back to the living room and hung out until Feenix and Kenny decided to leave.
“You okay?” Feenix asked me in the car.
“Not really.”
“I guess you saw . . .”
“Everybody saw. It’s fine. It’s over.”
“I didn’t think it was classy of him to hook up with a girl with you there. It hasn’t been that long since you broke up.”
To get technical about it, we hadn’t actually been together in four years. But I still wasn’t ready for him to rebound.
When we arrived at my house, Feenix got out of the car and gave me a hug. Freaking supportive friend. Tears stung my eyes.
I hurried inside, flicked on the lights, and locked the door.
I didn’t think I could stand the emptiness of this house one moment longer.
Heading upstairs, I took a long, hot shower. Tears and water ran down my body. I wanted to be free of Mateo. He was nothing but an anchor on my heart. I wanted to be free of this house. Of the past. Of missing my mom.
I cried harder, until I was all cried out.
After drying off, I put on a long T-shirt and went to bed. It was a hot, sweaty night, and I couldn’t sleep with the constant clicking of the ceiling fan. I left the window open, hoping for a breeze that never came.
I jolted awake some time later. My phone was buzzing.
The screen lit up: Mateo.
I picked up. “What?”
“I’m downstairs. Let me in.”
“Are you kidding? It’s two thirty-seven.”
“Let me in, Grace.”
“Fine.”
I scrubbed a hand over my face and went downstairs. For once, I didn’t care if he saw me sleep rumpled and makeup free.
I swung open the door. “Hoping for a second booty call? Didn’t know you had it in you.”
His dark eyes burned into me. “I guess you didn’t figure out why I went to Luke’s tonight?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you wanted to search his apartment for evidence of his money laundering? Guess you got a little sidetracked.”
“I didn’t get sidetracked.”
“Sure.”
He shouldered his way in the door, closing and locking it. “I didn’t hook up with that girl. I had to search Luke’s bedroom. She was my excuse.”
“Poor you.” I splayed my hands on his chest. I was furious, but couldn’t stop myself from touching him. “Did you have to give your body to the cause? Let her put her hands all over you?”
He sucked in a breath, as if my hands burned him.
“Did she just lie there patiently while you searched his bedroom?”
“She helped me. That’s why I brought her.”
I closed my eyes, feeling dumb. “Oh. Are you saying she’s . . . one of you?”
“Yes.”
“Well, kudos to her. She put on quite a show.” I drew my hands away. “Did you find anything on Luke?”
“Tonight, no. But I’ve looked at his books, and I know for sure that the books don’t match the bank deposits. That’s all I can tell you.” He grasped one of my hands, pressing it to his chest again. “Don’t stop touching me. It feels good.”
“I told you I can’t be with you. Didn’t you say I deserve better?”
“You do. But it doesn’t change how I feel.”
The heat of his gaze melted me. Damn him. It wasn’t fair to stand here and say that to me. It was torture.
“I always thought you’d be my first, you know,” I said. “It didn’t work out that way.”
I wasn’t sure why I said it—maybe to get it off my chest. Maybe to hurt him.
Mateo didn’t look surprised. He simply tipped up my chin. “Maybe I couldn’t be your first, but you could be mine.”
I blinked. “You’re not serious.”
“I don’t publicize it, but yeah.” He blushed. “It’s not that bad, is it?”
“No, no. I’m just shocked.”
“It might surprise you, but girls haven’t been knocking down my door. This is a face only a mother could—”
“Shhh.” I put a finger over his lips. “I love your face.”
He cleared his throat. “When I had the chance to, you know, I always felt like I’d be betraying you. Any other girl would be a shitty substitute for you. So, no, I didn’t do it.”
I pressed my head into his chest. My tears were getting his shirt wet, and I didn’t care. “I can’t believe you’re saying . . . you waited for me. I wish you hadn’t.”
“Don’t regret your past. I don’t regret mine. I always planned to come back to you, Grace. You might think I should have when I got out of the Reyes, but I couldn’t. I promised myself I wasn’t gonna come back to you broken. You needed me whole or not at all.”
He was right about that. I needed him whole.
“Last year, once I’d started college, I felt like I was ready,” he said. “I finally had my shit together. But I did my research and found out you had a boyfriend. Some jock named Ben. I heard you were happy. I wasn’t going to mess with that.”
“Happy?” I laughed bitterly. “Your sources were wrong. It didn’t last with Ben. . . . You still never came back.”
“I know. Things got pretty intense with the Destinos. Still are. But when I heard it might be Luke that was laundering the money, I got freaked. I knew you worked for him. I realized I had to reappear in your life even if the timing wasn’t perfect.”
I couldn’t believe it. He’d planned to come back to me all this time. He’d never stopped wanting to be with me.
“I wish I could tell you I’m leaving the gang, but I can’t. We’ve put everything we have into this operation and—”
I put a hand over his mouth. “I’m sick of hearing about them, okay? I’m done.” I grabbed him, kissing him fiercely. He made a startled noise, but caught me around the waist, meeting my kiss and returning it, taking my tongue into his mouth.
Our mouths fused, our bodies drawn together like magnets. I broke off the kiss, breathing hard. “You saved yourself for me, so you’re mine.” I’d blurted out the words before realizing exactly what I was saying. But as his eyes narrowed in confusion, I knew I wasn’t confused at all.
I wanted him. All of him. I couldn’t even remember life before want
ing him.
Mateo was my first love—my only love. This was my chance to be with him the way I’d always craved. I knew that if I didn’t take this chance, tonight, I’d never have it again.
So what if we didn’t have a future together? I wanted to be his first. I wanted him to feel my imprint on his soul forever. It would be a first for me, too—my first time being with someone I actually loved.
I stared into his eyes. “Come upstairs.”
He was incredulous. “Are you sure?”
“I think we’ve earned this, haven’t we?”
“God, yeah.”
I went into his arms, and he kissed me like a drowning man desperate for air.
TEAM ME
MONDAY WAS JACKSON POLLOCK DAY at Compass.
It looked like a paint bomb had exploded everywhere.
Kylie was practically wearing a hazmat suit over her fabulous threads, including heavy-duty gloves to protect her manicure. I was wearing the usual ratty old T-shirt and shorts.
As I helped the kids with their paintings, I thought how funny it was that random drips and splotches could produce awesome artwork. The parents always got excited when it looked like their kids had done something genius.
“That’s beautiful, Sofia.” She sat quietly at my elbow, intensely focused on her painting. “Blue and orange is a great color combination.”
Not quite a smile, but she seemed pleased.
“I can’t believe you guys did it,” Kylie said, her eyes wide. I couldn’t have kept it from her. She saw it on my face the moment I walked in this morning. “I’m gonna have to get details.”
“What did you guys do?” a paint-smeared Cameron asked.
“Played catch,” Kylie said smoothly. “So, did Mateo catch the ball or fumble?”
My cheeks flushed. “There was some fumbling.” To get our clothes off, I remembered. We’d been so eager, almost wild with wanting each other. The memories seared me.
“Whoa, that is epic! So what does this mean for you guys?”
“I think it meant good-bye.”
“Excuse me?”
“He’s not giving me what I need, so I’m not buying in. I can’t. I want him in my life, but I don’t need him.”
I could see that more clearly than ever now. I wasn’t going to accept him being in a gang. It would be so easy to throw caution aside and be with him. But I needed a guy who’d be there for me instead of running off doing gang business. I wouldn’t settle, no matter how much I loved him. I was strong enough to stand on my own now. I’d proven it to myself time and again. I wasn’t going to compromise for a guy—even Mateo.
“But don’t you love him?”
“I love you, Kylie!” Cameron announced from across the table. “I love you in the morning and in the afternoon,” he sang. “I love you in the evening and underneath the mooooon.”
“I love you too, sweet pea,” she said without taking her eyes off me.
“I do love him. But I told you, he’s not ready to commit to a relationship.” That was one way of putting it. I couldn’t tell her the truth—that he was a Destino. I wished I could.
“It can’t end this way!” Kylie pounded a fist on the table, spilling some paint.
“I didn’t realize you were Team Mateo.”
She scoffed. “I’ve never even met the guy. But based on everything you’ve said, I figured you guys were a done deal.”
Cameron looked confused by the conversation. “What team are you on, Grace?”
“Team Me.”
“Me too!” Cameron said. “Let’s get her!” There was a sudden shriek as Cameron flung his paintbrush, which sprayed up into Kylie’s face.
“Ugh!” Kylie shot to her feet. “I f-fink there’s some paint in my mouff!” she sputtered.
“Sorry,” Cameron said, looking crushed. “Sorry, Kylie. I’m just playing. Do you still love me?”
I could tell she really wanted to bitch at him, but she said, “Of courff.”
She hurried off toward the bathroom.
Cameron giggled, the little bugger.
I wasn’t sure if I felt more like throwing up or crapping my pants.
Either way, it wasn’t going to be pretty.
The air was charged with electricity. I stood backstage with twenty-four poets from across Miami. God, had I actually wanted to be a finalist? This wasn’t some campus café—it was a huge theater. The place was already packed.
The worst part was, there wasn’t a podium for my cue card. Feenix had warned me about that. If I blanked out, I’d be screwed. So I’d memorized the hell out of my poem. I’d recited it in the shower, on the toilet, on the bus. I’d texted it to myself. I’d recited it while I was sleeping.
But that was no guarantee that I wouldn’t forget the words.
If I did, my backup plan was to babble, babble, babble. Run.
Even Feenix “the Fenom” looked nervous. Instead of watching the other poets, she was sitting in a corner backstage, earbuds in.
It was a smart strategy. Watching the other poets kill it, one after the other, was only making me sick with nerves.
I knew I was out of my league here. I had no dreams of winning. My dream was to survive without humiliating myself. If I achieved that, I’d feel so light, I’d fly away.
I spotted Luke in the front row, a girl on either side of him. Nina and Jamar were also there. It was really nice of them to show up to support us, but they shouldn’t have bothered. I was even more nervous in front of people I knew than people I didn’t know.
Uh-oh. It was my turn.
I walked forward. My knees shook—could everyone tell? Thank God I’d made the last-minute decision to wear white sneakers instead of heels. I’d be poetic roadkill right now.
The thought made me laugh aloud as I approached the mike.
If I could just get the first words out, I’d have to trust that the rest would come. I opened my mouth.
Every bit of love
I have inside of me
Is an anchor around my neck
Pulling me under
The heaving waves
Dragging me into
Your murky depths.
Every bit of love
I have inside of me
Holds me down
To your bed of nails
Drops me over
The steep precipice,
Leaves me hanging
With no guardrail.
Every bit of love
I have inside of me
Is spreading slowly
Ending my life
If only I could free myself
Of these anchors
Break the surface
Maybe then
I’d breathe again.
I’d done it. Yes. My fist clenched with satisfaction.
Applause rose up around me, filling my ears. The next thing I knew, I was backstage and Feenix was hugging me.
“Mind blown!” she said.
“You listened?”
“Of course!”
“If it weren’t for you, I would never have tried to do this.”
“That makes me so happy.” She smiled. “Hey, did you see Mateo here?”
“I . . .” My mouth opened. “I saw Luke and some people from work, but he wasn’t sitting with them. Are you sure it was him?”
She nodded. “He was at the back. I don’t think he meant for you to see him.”
“Thanks for telling me.” I was proud of what I’d done, and I knew he’d be proud of me. “Kill it, okay?”
“I will,” she promised, then retreated back into her corner, popping in the earbuds.
I slipped out a stage door and went to the back of the theater, grabbing a seat in the last row. Scanning the vicinity, I realized that Mateo had already left. I guess he’d meant what he said: I’ll always be cheering you on from the sidelines, even if you don’t know I’m there.
Feenix went second to last. Since my own nerves were gone, I found myself getting nervous on her
behalf. I knew she could do it. She was born for this.
But I also knew she’d be crushed if she didn’t do well. A lot of people were expecting her to win.
Including me.
She walked out wearing one of Kenny’s fedoras, a white cami, and baggy jeans. She was quiet for a moment, until the last of the whispers subsided and she knew we were in the palm of her hand.
I’m Feenix
As in, rising from the ashes.
I’m Feenix
As in, bless you.
I just wanted to say
By the way
That I’m biracial.
And I’ve been known to be
Bicurious
At least, at parties.
Not to mention
Bipolar
At least, when I’m hungry
Or having my period.
And possibly
Bicoastal
Or would be
If my dad kept in touch.
What I’m not
Is bipartisan
I take the side
Of the ninety-nine percent.
Those people who are struggling
I fight for them
Those who need food
Or can’t pay the rent.
Yes, I’m Feenix
So nice to meet you
Now you know who I really am.
Part liberal
Part libertine
As for you?
I don’t have a clue.
When it was over, the crowd roared. I jumped out of my seat, cheering.
I was pretty sure she smiled, though I was too far away to know for sure. But she must’ve known she’d nailed it.
She had it in the bag. At least, I hoped.
After the last performer, I went backstage to join the others as we waited for the winners to be announced.
Feenix hooked my arm in hers, bouncing in anticipation. Eventually the director of the whole thing got on stage. We closed our eyes as he announced the second and first runners-up.
“And the winner of the Miami Slam is Feenix Menzies!”
We jumped up and down. Someone grabbed her arm and pulled her onto the stage. She took a bow.
I lost track of Feenix after that. She was swarmed by well-wishers and local media. At the reception, I stood around for a while with Luke and my coworkers, then found a chance to slip out. I was exhausted, but happy exhausted, and ready to head home.
Run the Risk Page 15
