by Alice White
He closed his eyes and tried to pull away, but I wouldn’t let him. “She doesn’t blame you! She’s in heaven and I’m sure she’d be so proud of you and all the good you’ve done for this town! But she wouldn’t want you to beat yourself up. She wouldn’t want you to be lonely!”
He shook in my arms and I knew he was trying to hold back tears. I held him close and swallowed hard. “You need to let yourself heal. You need to let yourself be happy. She wouldn’t want to see you like this. You’re trying to hold everything in and build up these walls because you don’t want to get hurt again, but you’re tearing yourself apart on the inside! It was not your fault that she died!”
Silence and then a soft sob as he covered his face. “I just thought maybe if I was a better doctor I could have saved her! Maybe if I’d gotten there sooner or maybe if I’d stopped her from going out there. There are so many things that I look back on and wonder what would happen if I could have done it differently.”
I sighed and held him close. “I think that, too, every night when I’m trying to sleep. All I can ever hear is the sound of all those men crying and dying and all I can think about is what I would have done differently, what I would have changed.”
Finally, he turned over and cupped my cheeks. “I know I’ve been distant and I know that Riley never would have wanted to see me so cold, but I’m just so damn scared to let my guard down. I’m scared to be weak,” he whispered.
I put my forehead to his. “It’s not weakness. It takes more strength to tear those walls down than it takes to hold them up, but if you spend your entire life trying to hold that weight up, you’re going to run out of strength eventually. Eventually your mind is going to give up. Your soul is going to be crushed by the weight of your burden and I don’t want to see that happen to you. You’re a good man.”
“You say all these things and yet I’ve been so cold to you.”
“I can see past the coldness. I can see inside your soul and I know that you are a good man, James.”
“You keep saying that.”
“Because it’s the truth.” I hesitated a moment. “Maybe God brought me here to be your nurse. Maybe I was brought here to heal the people of this town, or maybe God brought me here to heal you.”
He looked at me, eyes wide as if he were having a revelation. He stared at me and cupped my cheeks. He opened his mouth as if he were about to say something, but every time he started to get the words out they got stuck in his throat.
I smiled softly and looked at him closely. “You have to let me in. You have to let me try and help you. Can you do that, James? Can you let me love you?”
He closed his eyes a moment and took a deep breath, looking up at me. “I don’t know if I’ll be any good at it. I might shut down and I might shut you out. I can’t promise that I won’t slip up and try to keep you out, but I’m willing to try.”
“That’s all I’d ever ask of you, James.”
He looked into my eyes for what felt like an eternity and just as lightning lit the sky up overhead, he pressed his lips to mine. I was shocked at the sudden contact but I didn’t push away. I held him close and let him kiss me. My eyes fluttered closed and I felt a whimper starting to work its way up my throat. I loved the feeling of having his lips pressed against mine. It sent a wave of happiness through me that I’d never felt before.
We held the kiss until the surge of air became too great to ignore. As we parted he looked me in the eyes and stroked my hair out of my face. I was lost in his honey gaze, hardly able to believe that he was ready to accept my help and that maybe, just maybe I was going to be able to find love in the West after all.
I smiled shakily and chewed my bottom lip. “I’ll take that as a yes?”
Chapter 7
From that day on we did our best to make each other happy. James finally started opening up to me and I actually felt close to him. I felt as if we were finally making progress. He was starting to tell me things, especially about Riley. I learned more about her and about their life together and that made me feel more connected to him that anything else had. Maybe some women would have been jealous of their husband’s ex-wife, but I knew that Riley had been a very large, very important part of James’s life, and if she was important to him, she was important to me.
As we grew closer, James’s relationship with Thomas got better, too. He was far more attentive to the young boy and even started taking on a fatherly role. We stopped sleeping in separate bedrooms and curled up together every night. I felt cared for and I felt loved. It was the most amazing feeling in the world.
We were falling in love. God brought us together under strange and strained circumstances, but now we were truly falling for each other. Well, I suppose I couldn’t speak for James, but I knew I was falling for him. Every day spent with him was a new adventure.
We were running the clinic together and it seemed that we were doing more good work together than either of us could have ever done on our own. Our town was happy and healthy and we were happy for it.
It was early evening now and Thomas was in bed. We’d left one of the young town girls to watch him, though I had no idea why. James told me he had a surprise planned but he was not going to tell me anything. We were riding through a field as the sun began to set. It was a beautiful spring evening and the setting sun was casting shadows and light across the field.
We were surrounded by beautiful fir trees and evergreens. Flowers were sprouting up all over the field and the gentle breeze that wafted around us made me sigh happily. My eyes fluttered closed as we continued on horseback to the middle of the field. James finally pulled the reigns and the horse neighed and came to a stop.
“Are we finally here?” I asked, sliding off the back of the horse. I’d been on horses and was more than comfortable with the beasts.
“We’re here,” he confirmed.
I looked around for a moment, half expecting to see a young puppy or something else I’d been begging for. Instead we were alone in a field, fireflies lighting up the sky around us. It was certainly a beautiful, serene atmosphere, but I was at a loss. I didn’t understand why we were here.
I looked to him curiously and cocked my head to the side. “Why did you bring me out here?”
He reached out and took my hands, inspecting them closely. He didn’t answer my question, but said something incredibly profound.
“I love your hands. They’re beautiful.”
“You’re toying with me. My hands are full of nicks and cuts.”
“That’s why they’re beautiful.”
I blinked and looked up at him. “I don’t understand.”
He smiled and brought my fingers to his lips, kissing them tenderly. “Of course you don’t. People are always blind to their own best qualities. They never see in themselves what others see.”
I frowned a little, staring up at him. I was not really understanding what he was trying to tell me. James chuckled and looked at me, a slight twinkle in his eye.
“In the time that you’ve been here, your hands have saved the lives of so many people and I’m sure that before you came here they saved many others.”
My cheeks flushed pink and I looked away. “Well, it’s my job to save the lives of people.”
“But why did you decide to do that job?”
“Because I wanted to help?”
“Exactly,” he murmured, kissing each of my fingers. “You love people. You want to save them and make the world a better place.”
“Isn’t that what nurses and doctors are supposed to do? Isn’t that why God gave us this gift?”
He reached out and cupped my cheeks. “I never felt that anyone understood the true meaning of medicine and of healing. I have always been surrounded by others who just want to hack and slash into people to figure out how they work! But we’re different. You and I are trying to change the world.”
I looked at him with wide eyes and put my hands over his. “We are changing the world.”
“You’re right,”
he whispered. “We are, and I want to keep changing the world. Together.”
“We are together. I’m your wife, silly.”
He nodded slowly. “You’re right. God brought us together, but I know that the situation was less than ideal at first,” he said gently. “I know that I was distant and that there was no love between us. It was a business arrangement and I know that. That’s not what marriage is. It’s a partnership, not a business transaction, and I can’t help but feel like we got off on the wrong foot.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sara, I love you,” he whispered.
My heart fluttered and exploded, as if it were made of a million little butterflies. I stared at him, the words starting to sink in. He loved me. He told me he loved me! I threw my arms around him, tears already starting to pour down my cheeks.
“I love you! I love you, too!” I whispered, holding him tight.
He smiled and held me close for a moment before he gently pushed me away. He put his hands on my shoulders and looked at me seriously. “I want to do this right,” he whispered, looking at me for a long moment. “I want to start off on the right foot.”
I gave him a confused look but my heart began to beat wildly as he slowly lowered himself onto one knee, looking up at me. My heart started to pound and I put a hand to my mouth, watching as the man I loved desperately pulled a ring out of his coat pocket and held it up. The ring reflected the sunlight, glittering perfectly. I swallowed and waited.
He cleared his throat and looked up at me, seeming almost nervous. He took a deep breath and finally spoke. “Sara, we’ve been through so much together already and you’ve helped me deal with so many of my demons. You’ve come into my life and turned everything upside down and I honestly couldn’t be more grateful,” he said with a soft, almost shy smile. “Before I ask you my question, first I want to say thank you. I want to say thank you for being patient and believing in me. No one else has ever done that for me. I am endlessly thankful for you, Sara, and I’m thankful to God for bringing you into my life. Now, I want to ask you what I should have asked you months ago.” He cleared his throat. “Sara, will you marry me?”
Tears were already streaming down my face. I threw my arms around him and let out a little sob. “Yes! Yes! Of course I’ll marry you!”
He held me tight for a long moment before pulling away and slipping the ring on my finger. He smiled and looked up at me, though I didn’t give him much time to say anything. I threw myself into his arms and held him tight, my lips pressed against his. His arms felt warm and safe. The fireflies buzzed around us and in that moment, I knew I was exactly where I belonged.
Chapter 8
After James asked me to marry him things seemed perfect. We both agreed that we wanted to keep it quiet for now since we weren't quite ready to get married.
It was hard to keep it to myself entirely because I was just so excited! I loved James desperately and I wanted the entire world to know he was mine. After weeks and weeks of begging, James finally agreed to let me tell Mariana. I assured him that my friend would stay quiet and so he told me I could tell her.
Mariana was just as excited as I was and after telling her we danced and squealed like little girls. She promised to keep silent, though the excitement proved to be a little much for Mariana to handle.
Within a week, the entire town knew, but I honestly couldn't even bring myself to be mad about it. The entire town knew I was in love and that James was mine and it felt great.
The town got together, determined to throw us the biggest and best wedding anyone in town had ever seen. James was beloved by everyone in Billings and they all knew his sad past and we were just happy that he'd finally managed to move on and find some semblance of happiness.
We soon found out that bets had been placed to try and figure out how long it would take us to get engaged. Mrs. Applebottom was the one who won that bet. Maybe some people would have been angry over the towns over involvement, but I loved every moment of it. It showed how important we were to the town and how much we meant to everyone. It felt good to feel loved and appreciated.
James was mildly annoyed with everything that was happening, but he let it roll off his back with relative ease. He was just happy that we were finally getting married and that everything was falling into place. Even though the entire town was suddenly in on our wedding, nothing really changed. While the seamstresses in town went about sewing my dress, we were still helping people and saving lives. That was what was most important to us. We could never guess just how important it would soon become for the entire town.
Mariana and I were walked through the town, chatting and enjoying the warm day. Spring in Montana was beautiful and I enjoyed seeing all the new plants and flowers that weren’t familiar to me. Mariana was telling me about her youngest son and how fast he was growing and I was listening, nodding along and politely smiling. I loved hearing about Mariana’s children. They were just as beautiful as she was and I felt the same kind of pride that she felt when Thomas did something new.
“And so Jacob is walking now, and that’s a mess.” She put her hands on her hips and shook her head back and forth as we kneeled by the ricer, hiking our skirts up so we wouldn’t get them dirty.
“It’s a mess?” I asked, smiling as we started to scrub the clothing.
“He’s getting into everything!” she said, sounding exasperated, though the smile on her face told me something else entirely.
She chuckled and looked over at me, smiling almost tenderly. “But how is Thomas? How are the wedding plans going?” She paused and smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my mouth shut.”
I chuckled and shook my head. “I’m glad everyone knows,” I said simply, smiling. “It feels good, you know?” I said with a soft sigh.
“Everyone was just so happy! We knew you two were perfect for each other and everyone wanted to see the good doctor happy. And you have worked your way into our hearts!” she said with a laugh.
I chuckled as well, nodding slowly. “Yes. It seems James and I were the last people to know that we were perfect for each other.”
Mariana opened her mouth to speak but suddenly frowned, gazing into the tree line. I turned to see what she was staring at and I was shocked to see a Native American man stumbling out of the forest.
I watched the man stumble out of the woods and the second I saw him, I knew something was terribly wrong. I gathered my skirts and ran through the shallow stream, soaking my shoes, though I didn’t care. Mariana was right on my heels, following me close and calling after me.
“Sara! SARA! Wait! He could be dangerous!”
She was right to be skeptical. I’d heard of Natives setting traps like this for women, but I was not going to let someone die over a rumor. As I got closer to the man I could see a deep crimson stain on the side of his pelts. My eyes widened and I turned to Mariana.
“Go back to town and get a horse and cart! He’s injured!”
She nodded, not pausing to ask questions. She knew I meant what I said. I trusted that she would do as I said and so I turned to give my full attention to the injured man. He was on his knees, groaning and holding the spot where he’d been shot. I’d seen many bullet wounds in my time as a nurse and I knew what they looked like.
As I approached the man I held my hands up to try and signal to him that I meant him no harm. There was a good chance he didn’t speak English and I didn’t want to upset him anymore. As I drew closer he swept his hand out, grunting and panting. It was as if he didn’t want me anywhere near him.
I kneeled down and started to pull off long strips of my petticoat, tying them together. Soon the man was tumbling over, weary from blood loss. He was panting as he fell into the soft grass, his eyes fluttering closed. I knew I had to act fast. He was losing blood and if I didn’t do something quick, he was going to die.
I ran forward and fell to my knees, wrapping the strips of cotton around his wound. As I worked on this man, it occu
rred to me that if he died it would mean war. A gunshot wound could only mean that he was injured by one of the settlers.
Just as I was tying off the makeshift bandage, another man came running from the tree line, a rifle slung over his shoulder.
“I thought he was a deer! Oh God!” The man was worked up, panting with glassy eyes.
“Help! Help me!” I shouted. There was no time to be angry at this man. Mistakes happen, but this mistake just might cost settlers their lives.
The natives didn’t bother us because there was a silent agreement. We would leave them alone if we left them alone. If one of our men killed one of theirs, then there would be an all-out war. There were be no more silent agreement.
The man with the gun seemed to sense my urgency and helped me lift the unconscious man. Together, we carried him towards the town until I saw the cart in the distance. One of the local ranchers rode up to us and helped us load the man into the cart. I rode in the back, doing everything I could to stop the bleeding.
Soon we’d arrived at the clinic and James had already cleared off the table so that he could remove the bullet. Once the native man was on the table I hurried everyone else out of the room and moved to stand beside my fiancé. He looked at me solemnly and we both nodded in understanding. Both of us knew how important this patient was.
Time slipped away as we worked. As I moved around the clinic, getting everything James needed, I found myself praying silently, watching him with intense concentration and offering advice where I could. It felt like an eternity passed but soon enough the native man was stable. His heartbeat was normal and his breathing evened out.
My own heart was slamming in my chest, but that didn’t matter. We saved him, and in doing so probably saved out little town. James washed his hands and glanced at the man on the table before reaching out and cupping my cheeks.
“This is why God brought us together.”
I couldn’t argue with him. I smiled and threw my arms around his neck, kissing him happily. Whether he was right or not, I was just happy God brought us together at all. I knew we were going to change the world.
